An alarming amount of advertisements exist, even in space. Alarming, because a good million or so adverts have been or soon will be, valiantly observed by the crew of the Red Dwarf. There have been exactly seventeen pouts of boredom which thoroughly consumed Dave Lister and Arnold J. Rimmer at precisely the same instance. Such moments consisted of the two sitting in their corresponding bunks, and watching informercials together, without so much as an acknowledging grunt. The following passage describes what was broadcast during the eighteenth instance of inexplicably dense boredom that plagued Lister and Rimmer simultaneously.
A glimmering picture of space. Fancy lettering imprinted onto the screen in a dazzling white hue - 'Centaurus Crafts proudly present' it read. A flash of light and an upturn of music revealed 'the latest and greatest multi-demenison faring vessel: The Quirinus featuring Janus, masterfully reprogrammed Artificial Intelligence, NOW IN ANDRIOD FORM!'.
Janus was roughly six feet tall, structurally built like a human male, with blue-grey skin, quivering burgundy hair and teal fiber-optics. His circuity which ebbed with a deep red light, was visible along his various joints, and along his back were a series of half-toned rivets that were fleshed out when Janus needed to directly pilot the Quairinus.
'Janus!' the advert screamed, as if the viewer had already forgotten, despite the three and a half spiel about the modeling of the droid. 'Janus brings other droids to their knees, travel the galaxy with ease!' the advert announcer gloated, as a long list of defensive and offensive capabilities were shown one after the other. 'Whether on the ground, or in the sky, Janus is a loving protector to any and all shipmates!' the announcer gushed, showcasing Janus hugging a blonde-haired child, with a soulless smile flexing upon his mouth. Subtext appeared beneath the heartwarming embrace - *Janus runs on a dual personality matrix of Passion and Aggression. Vigorous maintenance is required to prevent the personality matrixes from meshing. Results of meshed personality matrixes vary, but typically consist of psychological warfare. In times of physical combat, enforcing the Passive inhibitor is highly encouraged to avoid friendly fire. Centaurus Crafts cannot be held liable for any grievous injuries or agonizing deaths caused by Janus; this includes but is not limited to the byproduct of a behavioral development such as a god complex. *
'The Quirinus complete with Janus!' the announcer yelped giddily. 'Sold only from NGC 5139 [Omega Centauri]!'
Cat, who had walked in mid-way through the informercial gave a meek shudder. "That thing is creepy with a capital Cree! Going into battle with nothing but wiggling hair and pulse-rifle fingers. Egh. How's he ever going to seduce a lady bot with that repertoire?" Cat complained.
Lister inhaled a laugh. "I don't think that's exactly on his agenda Cat. I mean he lacks the proper equipment doesn't he? Makes sense he'd be more interested in flying the ship and shooting things." he reflected, reclining into his bunker.
"Well," Rimmer put his hands on his knees, pivoted into a standing position and declared. "I for one think it looks like a marvelous bit of machinery. A proud, glory-bound droid hellbent on destroying its adversaries..whether on the battlefield or in the midst of a heated romp of Risk!"
"Yeah..and from the sound of it, if you beat him and he decides to take it personally - his Aggressive inhibitor goes off and you'd find yourself with a gapping hole where your head used to be." Lister retorted.
Rimmer ignored Lister's rebuttal. "Just think of it Listy, a droid that could perfectly navigate time and space. We'd never be lost!"
Kryten entered the room. "If you're talking about Janus, Mister Rimmer Sir, I can assure you, his twitchy trigger finger far outweighs his galactic memory core."
"You've encountered one of him before Kryten?" Lister asked, his face and voice bright with surprise.
Kryten gave half a nod, then his mouth soured at the memory. "Ugh, he was the most vain, reckless droid I've ever had the displeasure of seeing. He corrupted Cynthia991 and then went right back to greasing the circuit-boards with Dahila773. Of all the nerve!" he blanched, with a disapproving shake of his head.
"Hold on, you're talking about that television show again aren't you?" Cat piped.
"Of course. Why you didn't think I actually met a Janus before? Bwha!" Kryten chuckled. "Sirs the only way I could possibly see that happening would be in silicon heaven! The Janus class are legendary, in fact despite popular television, few droids have ever interacted with one. Many feeble-minded bots even consider Janus a myth."
"A myth?" Rimmer repeated.
"Yes sir. They summarize that Janus is a fictitious ideal that all droids strive for. Why what with his suave commanding voice and neigh indestructible platform, Janus is quite the circuit-shaker..." Kryten chuckled again, but noticing the blank expressions of his shipmates, he potently added. "Think of Janus, if you will, as a metallic James Bond."
"James Bond?" Cat repeated, glancing skeptically at the screen. "Then where's his tuxedo?"
A sharp robust voice, new to the crew of Red Dwarf responded accordingly. "Clothing is a superficial attempt at blending with humanity. Clothing also presents a fire hazard." Janus answered, barely flicking an optical lid at the gawking group.
"Where the smeg did you come from?!" Lister blurted, looking past the droid to the corridor.
"Question irrelevant. Emotional analysis in progress. Standby." Janus responded bluntly, bowing his head, his optics flashing white.
Kryten gave himself a little shake. "Oh the blip on the screen! It must have been his Quirinius I saw, Sirs. Well let it never be said that the speed and agility of those vessels aren't as superb as advertised. Why, it couldn't have been on our radar longer than six milliseconds before it vanished."
Rimmer let out an irritable sigh. "Wonderful. The universe emits a googolplex of false advertisements and the one time we're shown a factual one, we're faced with a six-foot, battle-ready android who's light on conversation."
Lister edgily flexed and unflexed his palms. "I don't understand, how did he beam aboard Red Dwarf without setting off the teleportation alert?"
"Oh sir, you know that program has always been a bit melancholic. Besides which, the sheer magnitude of a Quirinius teleportation field, has no known comparison. Wonderful for marketing, but horrendous for business." Kryten said hurriedly.
"What do you mean?" Rimmer pressed.
"Word soon caught on that the Quirinius could zap anyone into anywhere faster than previously thought possible and even better, the ship's VI Janus was highly corruptible. This hailed a whole new era of airship larceny. Naturally the Quirinius model was outlawed, but Centaurus Crafts determined to remain a key competitor in the marketplace, swiftly created a new generation. Janus was upgraded from being merely the ship's interface, to being an actual member of the ship - an android, a morale compass, as all droids are meant to be." Kryten explained.
"So he can't hurt us." Rimmer mused.
"I'm afraid that's only partly true Mister Rimmer. Janus is sworn to uphold protection of his crew, but anyone or anything that threatens said crew are fair game. Also the 'morale compass' I mentioned, largely is his own, seeing as the Janus class run on DPM or Dual Personality Matrix that favors both peace and war equally. Whatever his reason for being here, let us try to remain on his good side Sirs." Kryten responded, worriedly.
With his gaze still fixated on the floor, Janus, lifted his head which had buckled slightly during his processing. "Emotional analysis complete. Affection levels minimum, annoyance levels vary. Retracting bribe protocols. Retraction complete."
"What are you on about? Why are you here?" Lister demanded.
Janus blinked, his fiberoptics focusing on Lister. A thin smile seeped onto his even thinner lips. "The feline sapient and myself will be promptly departing." he stated.
"You want Cat? What for?" Lister pressed.
"Take him." Rimmer blurted, earning an instant outcry from Lister.
"Confidentially protocols active, inquiry ignored. Permission counterproductive, this topic is not up for debate." Janus responded.
"Oh no?" Lister gaffed, crossing his arms.
The teal eyes of Janus turned solely on Lister to assess the magnitude of the challenge, but his attention immediately rerouted when Cat stepped forward with his chest puffed out.
"Now you listen here Jeeves, I'm not going anywhere with you, 'cept maybe a scrap yard!" Cat told the bot with a dignified scoff.
"Don't-threaten-him." Rimmer hissed heavily from behind clenched teeth.
"Mister Rimmer is right, the DPM generates a very miniature 'mutual' status with a haphazardly short shelf-life." Kryten fretted.
The meek smile that had remained on Janus's face had melted into oblivion, his attention never varying from Cat. "Cooperation is encouraged. Sufficient time will be allotted for the collection of personal belongings." Janus informed.
"Would take more than a light-year for Cat to collect all his clothes." Lister snickered, walking up beside Cat, less than eight inches away from Janus. "Why do your masters want Cat?" he questioned steadily.
"For God's sake Lister!" Rimmer mumbled fearfully.
"You mentioned what 'confidentially protocols' being active..that must mean you're here on the behest of someone from your ship. They aren't feline fetish smeggers are they?' Lister corralled.
"Oh really Mister Lister, haven't you listened to a word I said?! It's as if you're begging him to annihilate you! Janus, if I might get a word in.." Kryten rambled worriedly, nudging between Lister and Janus. "Surely even with your vast capabilities, locating us must have required some effort. Now without naming names, may we at least know the nature of whomever it is, that dictates the company of Cat?"
Janus regarded Kryten in a manner that almost shadowed contempt. "The 'nature' of which you ask, is one of peace. Cat will not be harmed. Do you intend to interrogate me further Cry-tin?" Janus glowered, the corners of his mouth tightening into a sneer.
In the short course of five seconds, Kryten blabbered cautiously, Lister's dander flared up, and Cat made a show of sitting down on the table. The heightening tension was all too much for Rimmer, who anticipating bloodshed, found himself yammering aloud. "Parlay!" Silence immediately gripped his shipmates, who each looked at him blankly. Rimmer cleared his throat, tugged at the ends of his padded polyester top and arched his back as straight as his cowardice would allow. "Parlay." Rimmer repeated again, staring boldly into the gaze of Janus.
-*Meanwhile aboard the Porta Belli, Quirinus Class Freighter*-
The hard-light Hologram of Moxie Barrie-Craigles, repressed an eight-ton sigh, her blue eyes rolling to the back of head with the strife. "You can mew as long as you like Sierra, it won't change my mind." she said, the semi-transulant sleeves of her black blouse coiling up her arm as she drew a card from the deck. Playing poker with the mid-thirities Moxie, was a black-haired twenty-something named Pierre Jules, who watched feverishly as Moxie crossed and uncrossed her long legs, largely unconcealed by a pair of shorts disguised as a skirt. Noticing Pierre's downward stare, Moxie smirked. "Are you hiding an ace under the table I should know about?" she asked, flicking a stray strand of her auburn hair free of her heart-shaped face.
Pierre mirrored her smirk, his gaunt cheeks reaching up toward his even gaunter cheekbones. "Funny, I was about to ask you that..but then again," Pierre paused mid-sentence to stretch his legs. "If Ace were down there, I could use his bright shiny ass as a foothold. Alas." he finished smugly, his green eyes alight with laughter, his flaccid voice alive with cynicism.
Sierra sauntered up to the poker table, resting her elbows on the space between the two card-players. "Waste of a perfectly perky ass if you ask me...for a human anyhow." she declared, her devious gaze swinging from Pierre to Moxie, eager for a reaction. Sierra was an evolved Felis Margarita, a decedent of the last-surviving sand-dune cat clan. Her skin was tawny, her dirty blonde hair ended shortly past her ears, with underlying black strands tufting against the underside of her jaw. The red eyeliner she wore surprassed the corners of her grey eyes, drawn diagonally up to her hairline, to coincide with the red clan markings embellished along her neck. An immense fan of sleeveless shirts and dresses, Sierra also regularly wore blackened leather bands around both arms that trailed down to a single finger on either hand, where Sierra naturally painted her claws black to match. On this day in particular, Sierra's attire was a royal blue dress with silver ringlets around the waist and a pair of grey pull-up boots.
When Moxie at last gazed up at Sierra, Sierra's bow-shaped mouth parted into a toothy grin. Moxie also smiled, but with ill-content. "If you think marveling over Ace's ass, is going to rattle me to the core, rattle me so very badly that I issue Janus a full cease and decease order..well..than you really are a bigger blonde than I gave you credit for. My apologies." Moxie retorted, switching her focus onto her cards.
Sierra hung her head in defeat, and a groan rumbled in her throat. "There's a cat saying Mox - I want what I want when I want it because its what I want." Sierra slowly straightened from her hunched position, her claws digging into the felt tabletop in the process. "I. Like. Dogs." she emphasized haughtily. "So this plan to hijack some guy cat for me to romance is about as useless as Pierre ogling you." she finished irately, gesturing unnecessarily, before crossing her arms. Pierre's jaw tightened, and his green eyes darkened into a steely leer that Sierra was oblivious to.
Moxie bit back a laugh, and drew another card from the deck. "Your species are few and far between Sierra..."
"And?"
"And you've already said that you want kittens someday."
"Yeah when I start to lose my sass! Not now. No way no...hey..are you calling me old?" Sierra scowled, her dusky voice rising in anger as she rested her hands on her hips.
Moxie resisted the urge to roll her eyes, but the same couldn't be said for Pierre. "No Sie. All I meant was, what's the harm in experimentation?" Moxie said cordially.
A soft snigger threshed from Sierra's lips. "I'm sure one of Pierre's ancestors said the same thing, and look what came of it. Two quarters polymorph...esh." she retorted, perching on the stairs to the upper level once again. Pierre flopped his cards onto the table, and turned to leer at Sierra, but before he could utter one word, Sierra throttled on. "If you're really going to make me go through with this Moxie, then maybe you should try experimenting too."
"How do you propose I do that?" Moxie wondered, resting an arm on the back of her chair to better glimpse her feline friend.
"Simple. Date a little. Because really Mox, what's more unnatural? My taste for dogs, or your unwavering devotion to a glory-hound like Ace Rimmer?" Sierra challenged.
PIerre cleared his throat, earning Moxie's exasperated attention. "I hate to agree with the clawed one, but she's right in this case. Sierra barks when she's in heat, and you..well you do alot of howling over someone you didn't even bed for smeg's sake..." Pierre chortled.
The surprise on Moxie's face swiftly faded into contempt as her blue eyes revolved onto Sierra once again. Sierra merely shrugged. "What? I warned you when we first met, never tell me anything in confidence, even if we're both drunk! I always remember my drunken escapades and I always babble to everyone who's anyone, first thing in the morning." Sierra replied firmly in her defense.
"Miss Barrie-Craigles?" called Janus, his voice ricocheting from every corner of the ship.
"Yes Janus? How goes the retrieving of Sierra's future Liter-Laborer?" Moxie inquired, rising from her seat with a smirk.
"Amid the increasing temptation of slaying non-feline personnel aboard Red Dwarf, a standstill has occurred madame." Janus confessed.
"Standstill?" echoed Moxie and Pierre.
"The Hologram has declared 'parlay', Miss Barrie-Craigles and Mr. Jules...Permission to activate Aggressive mode?" Janus responded, sounding hopeful about the notion of carnage.
Pierre answered first. "Permission denied Janus, you can't kill every little thing that annoys you."
"I ran an emotional analysis as Miss Barrie-Craigles instructed. The crew holds minimum affection for the feline in question, and that feeling is mutual for him. Yet they all displayed defiance. Perhaps I shouldn't have retracted the bribe protocols so quickly Mister Jules." Janus marveled.
"Bribe protocols?" Sierra repeated, nonchalant to the stare-off ensuing between Moxie and Pierre. "I thought Moxie erased those..."
"She did. Miss Barrie-Craigles deemed my bribery code unstable, she worried it could trigger an unverified Aggressive stance. Mr. Jules however, re-installed them for this mission, out of presumed necessity." Janus explained.
"Janus?" Moxie began.
"Yes madame?" Janus piped.
"Pierre is hereby cut off from any sort of "recreational" television, until I state otherwise." Moxie ordered.
"Processing..Pause. Define 'recreational' please Miss Barrie-Craigles." Janus pressed.
"Anything with naked women. Also anything with men being pleasured by women." Moxie clarified.
Sierra slunk up to Pierre, snickering. "She's barring your porn! Janus make a note, in the coming days I'd like to say an ode to poor Pierre's unprivileged pecker." she giggled wickedly.
Noticing Sierra's incorrigible glee, Moxie decided to make a revision. "One last thing Janus, block Sierra's inter-species smut too."
"What?!" Sierra cried, her face stricken with horror. Pierre began to laugh aloud, his head lulling back.
"You won't be needing it, I'm about to acquire you a delicious new friend remember?" Moxie jeered, with a wide grin.
"And you really expect me to rely on him? He could be into other guy cats for all you know!" Sierra fretted agitatedly.
"Janus, your input." Moxie ordered.
There was a brief pause. "...Madame must I really...?' Janus protested.
"Janus." Moxie insisted.
Janus sighed, causing the entire ship to grumble. "My emotional analysis confirmed feline sapient is heterosexual and very very frisky."
Sierra's shoulders slumped and a small whine whistled from her mouth. "And he can keep it that way too! I bet he's all clean, proper and pretty. Ugh."
"Don't worry, if he's prettier than you, we'll just find another cat." Moxie jeered.
"Awe do you mean that?' Sierra purred, failing to note Moxie's sarcasm.
Moxie squared her shoulders, repressing a sigh throbbing in her throat and announced. "Janus, beam me in."