The only sound filling the apartment was the ticking of the clock. It ticked over and over, reminding me how long I sat there waiting for anyone around the table to say something. The silence was interrupted by my coughing, but even then no one spoke. I glanced at the loud clock to see that it had been 3 minutes. 3 perfectly silent and excruciatingly painful minutes. I looked at each person around the table individually, hoping that if I made eye contact with one of them they might actually speak, but it was as though they had all made a silent agreement to just stare at the table in front of them and cry. All of them were crying their silent tears, apart from Rachel who was too dramatic to cry quietly. When it hit 5 minutes I couldn't take it anymore and pushed my chair back from the table, screeching it across the wooden floor of mine and Dani's apartment. It made everyone's head shoot in my direction, their eyes puffy and red from the crying.
"Tequila. I need tequila," I mumbled quickly before walking over to the cupboard and grabbing the first bottle I could reach. I grabbed as many glasses as I could carry, set them in the centre of the table when no one moved to grab one, and resumed my seat at the end of the table. As I unscrewed the top and poured some into the glass I heard the first sound come from someone. It was Quinn clearing her voice, and when I looked up I was thankful that she was actually looking at me for once.
"How do you- I mean uhm, are they sure?" She stuttered as she scratched her finger along the table and grabbed one of the tissues from the box that I had placed on the table before everyone arrived. I had placed them there for me, and found it strange that not only was I the only person not crying, but that I felt like I didn't even want to. What was the use in crying, it didn't change anything, that was my opinion. I knocked back the shot of tequila and felt it burn down my sore throat before setting the glass back down and nodding at Quinn.
"Well, I'd like to hope so. It would be pretty shitty if they called me up tomorrow and told me they had the wrong person and that I don't actually have cancer," I laughed awkwardly, trying to break the tension in the room that was becoming so thick I could barely breathe. When no one even cracked a smile my laugh faded and I grabbed the bottle faster than I ever had before.
"When did you find out?" Tina asked softly, grabbing the box of tissues and throwing them at Rachel who was drowning in her own tears at the other end of the table. I couldn't help but smirk before dragging my eyes back to Tina. Before I had a chance to answer Dani had finally found her voice as well.
"I don't get it, I mean, when did this all happen? When did you visit the doctor and get all the test and stuff? Why didn't you tell me you thought something was wrong?"
"I went to the doctor at the start of the month because of my cough. They thought it was just allergies and other stuff, so it took a while to actually come to this. I had a CAT scan and then the doctor rang me and said the oncologist would ring me to explain something. So he did," I shrugged my shoulders, and looked at all of them staring at me with their sympathetic, heartbroken eyes. I don't know whether it was their eyes that shot the fear through me right then, or the fact I hadn't been feeling the fear before. But right in that moment, I felt like the ground had disappeared from under my feet and I was falling. I was falling and there was nothing or no one there to catch me.
"I have Hodgkins Lymphoma. I have a malignant tumour in my chest, between my heart and my spine, it's pushing against my lungs and they think that's what's been causing the cough," I coughed right then, as if my body wanted to ironically prove the point, "They say that's inoperable, which I'm actually quite thankful in a weird twisted way because I think I've watched too much Grey's Anatomy in my life for that, but of course I'll need chemotherapy. On the plus side, Hodgkins Lymphoma reacts really well to chemo, and 97.9% of people survive."
"Holy shit I can't believe this is happening. This can't be happening," Quinn muttered as she pushed back from the table slightly, leaning her hands on it and putting her head down as if she was having a panic attack. It reminded me of I reacted when I found out, so all I did was wait as she began to cry again and had to take deep breaths to calm herself down. As I knocked back another shot I could feel my head becoming slightly clouded now, and reached for the bottle again, except this time Dani grabbed it.
"Jesus Santana, would you stop knocking back tequila and fucking speak to us!" As she slammed the bottle down on the table it skidded slightly before dropping and rolling off the table. The sound of the bottle smashing on the floor made everyone flinch except me, all I could do was look at Dani who was staring at the same spot on the table.
"What do you want to know? Ask away, I'm an open book," I sat back in the chair and crossed my arms, waiting for her to actually ask something.
"Do you know how serious this is? Because you're not acting like it, you're sat here getting drunk and trying to make jokes about it. Why the hell didn't you tell me?"
"I feel like you're angry at me because I didn't let you in on the secret that I have cancer," I frowned at her and watched as she scoffed. I watched as Rachel stood up, the first movement she had made, before walking over to the kitchen and grabbing something to clean the bottle up with. "Rachel, you don't need to do that," I said quickly, but it was like I hadn't even spoke as she carried on doing it, lifting the large pieces of glass and placing them in the bin.
"How could all of this be happening, and I didn't even know?" Quinn asked, but when I looked up it looked more like she was asking herself, so I decided to stay quiet for this one, waiting for someone else to speak, but no one did.
"I have cancer. I'm 20 years old, and I have cancer. One day all I had was a really bad cough, and the next I'm being told that I have cancer. Cancer is sort of a silent killer, there aren't any symptoms that are blatantly smack-you-in-the-face obvious. When you have the flu, you have a runny nose, or headaches, or you're even sick. When you have cancer, all those symptoms are hidden by the expectation that the cough was a cold, a small bug I had just picked up. How were any of you supposed to know? Hell, I thought I just had some weird lung infection, at worst. No one expects a healthy 20 year old to get cancer, but it happens. So please, all of you, don't sit here and ask yourself how you didn't notice. Because I'm living in my body, I'm the one with the tumour in my chest the size of a baseball, and I didn't even notice."
The room was completely silent again, apart from the sound of Rachel picking pieces of glass up off the floor. When I heard her sob, I pushed back from chair and walked round to her. The tears were streaming down her face as she grabbed at the smashed glass as if it was cotton. The fear hit me again in that moment as I watched Rachel cry hysterically on her hands as knees, grabbing at glass to try and clean as a distraction. "Berry," I said softly, kneeling next to her when she didn't stop, "Rachel, please," I begged. I grabbed her hand to stop her from picking at the glass more, knowing it could only lead in one direction of a cut hand. I pulled her hand away and tugged it slightly to make her look at me.
"I'm looking at 97.9% survival rate. In my eyes, those are pretty good odds. No one has 100%, because I could walk on to the street right now and be hit by a taxi for I know. I'm going to survive this, I swear to God I'm not going to let this beat me. I will be one of the 97%, I promise. But it's not going to be easy, and part way through I might hate every single thing on this planet, but at the end of the day I have no choice. I'm sick and there's no way of going back to change that, so I have to deal with it. So, we can sit here in a puddle of tequila for the rest of the day and cry over it, or we can order a pizza and watch some movies. It's up to you."
…..
My eyes snapped open when the sound of a glass being banged on a table rang through the room. From the burning of my eyes I could tell I hadn't been asleep very long. I clenched them closed hoping I could drift back to sleep, but I knew as soon as I closed them again I knew I was awake for good. I pushed myself up on the couch and stretched for my phone that was sat on the coffee table, noticing I had only been asleep for 40 minutes.
"Oh great, well done Rachel, you woke her up," Tina snapped as she walked back into the room, handing me a cup of coffee and flopping down on the couch next to me before I had time to move my legs. I pulled them out from underneath me and pushed myself up so I was sitting properly on the couch. Rachel mumbled a quick sorry as she shuffled into the room, taking a seat across from us.
"Sorry I keep falling asleep every single time I come round here. I guess I miss this couch," I mumbled, patting the couch as if it needed to feel the praise. I noticed Tina raise her eyebrow at me and bite her lip to stop her smirk, making me stop patting the couch.
"You know, the bed is still in your old room. I don't get why you don't just sleep in there,"
"Because… I don't plan on sleeping when I come round here. I come to spend time with you guys, I don't see you as much since I moved in with Dani," I shrugged my shoulders and sipped on the hot coffee that burnt my sensitive throat.
"I think she's trying to tell us she misses us," Rachel laughed, but stopped immediately when she noticed my glare. As I leant forward to set the mug down on the table, I felt the same exhaustion I felt every second of every day hit me again. I groaned out loud and couldn't help but notice how both of them lunged forward slightly as if I was fragile. I decided to ignore it for now, but knew that if it carried on much longer, there was only so much 'baby in a hot car' routine I could take.
"So when we got home yesterday after, you know… We were talking, and we decided that instead of going to the bar from now on we could just stay in and have like a move night," Rachel sang cheerfully, but the look on my face must have been more obvious that I thought because she stopped bouncing in her seat and her grin fell to a weak smile.
"We have been going to that shitty karaoke bar every single night since we moved in this apartment, we're going tonight,"
"I know, but do you think you're up for it?" Rachel asked cautiously, setting her mug down and pushing herself back in her seat, eyeing me warily.
"Of course I'm up for it,"
"Santana, you can barely come round to the apartment for half an hour without passing out on our couch," Tina interjected. I clenched my jaw and let out a slow, steady breath before plastering a smile on my face.
"I'll be fine. I didn't get much sleep last night, that's all. I'll head home now and have a quick nap, and then I'll meet you guys at the bar."
"A quick nap? As opposed to what you were just doing?" Tina grunted, silence filled the room as I looked at her annoyed, "I know you don't want us to treat you differently, and I really am trying. But when got home yesterday after you told us, we were all talking like Rachel said. So I know you don't want us to think about why we didn't notice anything, but I can't help being pissed off that I didn't say anything sooner. Of course I noticed something. Everyone noticed the weight loss, I mean look at you, you're nearly half of what you used to and even then that wasn't a lot. We all thought you were on one of your stupid diets like in high school, like that one were you ate baby food for 3 months straight," I couldn't help the laugh that came out of my mouth, and when Tina kept a stern glare on me, I slouched further down into the couch, "And then there was the sleeping. I can't believe we didn't notice that for the past 10 times you've come round here you've ended up asleep, but again, we put that down to the new apartment, or work, or staying up all night with Dani for God sake. So yeah, I'm pissed. So yeah, I want to stay in on a Friday night because I don't want you getting so tired you make something worse, just so we can keep up a freaking tradition!"
When Tina finished she looked quite flustered, and when I noticed Rachel give her a nod as though to say 'good job', I couldn't help but burst out laughing. After a minute of laughing with them sat staring at me, I cleared my throat and grabbed my coat from the side of the couch.
"I'll see you at the bar tonight," I said softly, giving Tina a quick kiss on the cheek and making my way for the door.
….
The air had become considerably colder in this past week, and I couldn't help but notice that today felt like the coldest day yet since the end of summer. I shoved my hands into my pocket and put my head down, wanting to get home as fast as possible. My eyes felt heavy already, and despite not wanting to worry anyone, I knew I needed to have another nap if I was going to be able to go to the bar tonight. As I approached our street, I slowed down. It was mostly empty with just a few cars scattering the road. I glanced down the street to see Walt sat on the ground like he was every single day, except this time he was speaking to someone.
"It might be a little big on you, I tried to get one from a while ago when he was smaller, but even then Sam's bigger than you. Try it on," The young blonde spoke as she handed Walt what looked like a jumper. Walt beamed up at her before pushing off his old coat which had holes all along the sleeve, and taking the blue jumper from her hands. As he pulled it over his head the blonde played with Walt's dog, Casper, flapping it ears and scratching behind them. I stopped walking and leant against the building next to me, watching as she rolled the sleeves up for him and took a step back to look him over. When she smiled down at him I noticed how big her smile was, how it filled her whole face. It was infectious almost, so I wasn't surprised when I saw Walt grinning back up at her.
I was about to cross the street and carry on walking when Walt noticed me and screamed my name, loud enough for everyone on the street who was passing by to turn and stare at him as if he was insane. I rolled my eyes, but couldn't stop my smile as I turned and made my way back over to him. When I got over to him I spotted the blonde wearing gym clothes almost, her hair tied back away from her face, only drawing attention to how perfectly blue her eyes were. I smiled softly at her before looking down at Walt who had his arms stretched out for me to look at his new jumper.
"Looking hot Walt," I laughed, he beamed back as he cuddled Casper closer and eyed me up and down, making me tug my coat closer to me.
"Wish I could say the same for you. You not been eatin'? Doesn't she look like she wastin' away?" He asked the blonde in his thick Brooklyn accent, reminding me just of how he once told me he had been living on these streets for nearly 20 years now. The blonde just smiled softly back at me, and I looked down at Walt and glared. "Santana, this is my girl Brittany,"
"I thought I was your girl?" I muttered before turning to Brittany and taking her hand to shake it, she laughed softly and I felt a tingle up my spine at the way it sounded.
"You are my girl as well. You bring me my lunch sometimes, and she brings me some clothes. She steals them from her roommate," He laughed as he pulled an apple out of his coat pocket and shinned it on the cuff. As he took a bite from it, his face lit up as if he had a light bulb moment, and before he spoke I knew what I was going to be. "You're my two favourite girls right, so I think maybe you two should go on a date or somethin'. Remember how I told you I was a perfect matchmaker Santana?" He winked at me, as though Brittany couldn't see, and when she laughed again I just smirked down at him.
"Walt we've been over this. You met Dani, my girlfriend, the other week remember?"
"Oh yeah, the moody one who looked at me as though I was going to murder her for her necklace," I cocked my head to the side and sighed, wanting to defend Dani but unable to save this one. I remember how I had dragged her across the road, wanting her to meet Walt who I had met the first time I had come to visit Dani. She had looked at him exactly the way he just described, and I remember in that moment feeling ashamed to be stood with her. "Well I think you should get rid of that one and date my Brittany here. She's definitely nicer, and I think she's prettier. You're single right Brittany?"
I glanced at Brittany who was blushing slightly and looking between the two of us as she chuckled. I don't know why I was so intrigued for her answer, and I definitely don't know why I wanted the answer to be yes so much. The relief I felt when she nodded made me puzzled.
"Listen Walt, even though I think Santana is also really pretty too, she has a girlfriend, and I have a job interview to go get ready for. I'll come by and see you again sometime soon," She said quickly as she leant down and gave him a quick hug, Walt looking over her shoulder at me and winking again as he nodded his head at her, I laughed to myself as she pulled back and gave Casper and quick scratch. "It was nice to meet you too Santana, even if Walt did make it slightly awkward," She stretched her hand out and when I took it I felt her finger tips tickle against my palm, making goose bumps rise on my arms. When she turned and headed down the street it took me a moment to realise I was watching her leave, and when I dragged my eyes away to look at Walt he was grinning up at me, too proud of himself.
"I don't know much about her. Her name's Brittany and she goes Julliard, dancer I think. She steals jumpers from some Sam guy for me, and even though I've only known her for maybe a month, and you've only known her for 10 minutes, we both know she's nicer than what you're going home to." Walt spoke as he looked up at me, looking his age more than ever now as he spoke words that were wise, maybe too wise for me. I mumbled my goodbyes before skipping across the road and heading for the apartment.
When I got in I noticed a note from Dani saying that she got called into work and wouldn't be home until late, explaining she would try and meet us at the bar. I didn't have time to care that I had hardly seen her recently, instead I flopped down on our bed and was asleep before I had a chance to take my shoes off.
…..….
As I walked into the bar I pulled my coat off as fast as could. On the walk over my heart rate had picked up and the result was a high temperature and the feeling of being constantly terrified. I hung my coat up on the rack and made my way over to the table, taking the seat next to Quinn who was watching Tina up on stage, singing her heart out as if she was trying to make up for the lack of it in Glee Club. Quinn glanced at me quickly and looked back at the stage before turning her head back to me.
"Shit, are you feeling okay? You look like you're about to pass out," she shouted over the music, stretching her hand up to place it on my forehead. "You're really hot,"
"I'm fine. It's just a symptom, my pulse goes up and down like a yoyo, and whenever it goes up I always end up sweating. It'll go down in a minute," I ignored the concerned looks from Quinn, and the glances passed between her and Rachel, and instead watched Tina throw herself about on the stage. As she climbed on top of the piano I could see the pianist looking slightly disturbed, trying his best to keep focused. I grabbed a handful of the peanuts from the bowl in front of me and began to discard of the shell and throw them back in the bowl, just wanting something to do to stop Quinn from staring at me.
"That was fun, who's up next?" Tina puffed as she fell back down into her seat, picking at the de-shelled nuts I had thrown back into the bowl. "I need a drink, anyone?"
"I'll get them," I shouted before anyone else had the chance to even answer, and had bolted from the table and out from Quinn's stare before anyone had time to then protest. I walked over to the bar and climbed into one of the stools as I waited for Jerry at the other end to finish with a group of guys.
"Okay what can I get yo- Hey, it's you," I looked up to see Brittany grinning at me as she wiped a glass with a cloth and placed it on a shelf before leaning against the bar on the other side of me. I frowned confused before laughing slightly.
"This was the job interview then?" I asked, lifting my hand and waving around the place. I rallied off a drinks order and watched as she slowly lifted 2 beers and struggled to get the caps off.
"Well it was meant to be an interview, and then they decided they want to see me actually behind the bar for the night. But I don't think I'll get the job," She mumbled as she concentrated on cracking the next beer and setting it on the bar. I watched as she frowned and stood still, clearly trying to think of the last drink I had ordered.
"Is that because you're not very good at opening beers, or because you can't remember my order?" I laughed as she bit her lip and blushed again, giving me the same effect it had before.
"I've never worked behind a bar before, I'm a dancer, not a bar tender,"
"I know, Walt told me. I think I might have to find a new way of getting home if he's going to badger me every single time see if I've asked 'his Brittany' out on a date yet," Her blush deepened and I felt my heart flutter, a clear sign to me that I needed to walk away from this blonde, but instead I stayed on the stool.
"Sex on the beach!" She yelled as she remembered my last order, ducking her head in embarrassment when a group of guys at the other end of the bar whooped like a football team. I watched her shuffle round the bar, looking at different bottles and setting them back down.
"You don't know how to make a sex on the beach do you?" When she bit her lip and shook her head I chuckled, before sliding out of my stool and heading round to the side of the bar to let myself in.
"Santana, out!" Jerry roared from the other end of the bar, but gave up when I carried on grabbing the stuff needed.
"How do they know you? Do you work here or something?" Brittany asked puzzled as I set the bottle down in front of her and grabbed her wrist to pull her over to me and force her to pay attention. "How do you know how to make drinks?"
"I'm a really good drinker," I shrugged my shoulders, before shoving the bottle of vodka and peach schnapps at her. As she poured it in and waited for me to say stop, I couldn't help but look into her blue eyes that were concentrating on not spilling the drink and waiting for me to say stop. I had never seen eyes as blue before, and was certain that if I started into them for too long I would get lost in them. As she added the orange juice and cranberry juice, the look of accomplishment on her face made a large smile work its way onto my face, even though since I had been stood with Brittany it had been there.
"Santana, why are you behind the bar?" I looked up to see Rachel and Quinn stood there looking confused, and glanced over to see Dani walking in through the doors.
"Guys this is Brittany. Brittany, this is people that you don't need to know," I muttered before lifting the sex on the beach and handing it to Rachel, "There you go Berry, knock yourself out, go wild. You are officially Brittany's first customer," I laughed, turning round to wink at Brittany who was laughing as she put the bottles back into their places. We were interrupted by Dani flopping down at the bar, slamming her purse down and groaning out loud.
"I hate that diner. I swear to fuck, when I have enough money to pay for rent, I'm actually quitting," Dani moaned as Quinn just stared at me, her attention occasionally flicking to Brittany who was stood next to me now. I could feel her arm grazing mine, and when it sent shivers down my spine I shuffled away slightly. "I'll have a double vodka and coke," Dani mumbled, throwing her money down on the bar before grabbing her purse and slouching over to our table.
"I'm guessing that's the moody girlfriend?" Brittany whispered, her breath tickling my ear and making me flutter my eyes closed. When she pulled back I smirked when she cocked her head to the side and wiggled her eyebrows, "I have no idea why Walt thought she was moody. I think she's a delight," I bit my lip to stop my laugh, noticing Quinn narrowing her eyes as she looked at us. I grabbed the cloth Brittany had been using to dry glasses with and whipped her quickly, making he squeal slightly and skip away from me down the bar, but we both jumped when Rachel slammed the now empty glass down on the bar and screamed that she wanted another.
…
The bar was now slightly emptier as it was later, and it had gotten to the time in the night were the stage was now filled with drunk people trying to sing heartfelt ballads and ending up crying. Dani had left about an hour ago, muttering something about how she was tired and asking me to be quiet when I was coming home. Quinn and Tina had carried Rachel out of the bar about 10 minutes ago, Quinn muttering something about how it was my fault Rachel was so drunk, and that she wanted to speak to me in the morning. I knew it was either about the Big C, or Brittany, but either way it was a conversation I didn't want to have.
I was sat at the bar, telling Brittany how to make drinks whenever someone came over and asked for something she hadn't done yet. As she finished serving someone she shuffled back over to me and leant on the bar so she was face to face with me. I was right about the eyes earlier, because as I looked into them I felt myself sinking, so had to push back slightly to recover.
"So tell me, if you're a dancer, why are you working in bar?"
"I had a job working at a studio, teaching dance to a younger class and then a work out class for adults. The couple who owned it got a divorce and I think the company got fought over in the divorce and ended up going under. So here I am, having to find a new job," Brittany mumbled as she leant against her hand, looking at me tired, "My roommate Sam came here with a friend the other week and noticed they were looking to hire so he told me about it. I'm surprised he wasn't here tonight actually, he has a thing for your friend,"
"Berry?" I scoffed.
"No, the blonde one who spent the whole time glaring at me for some reason and staring at you as though your some delicate piece of furniture. Does she have some undying secret love for you or something?"
"I wish that was it," I mumbled softly. I pushed back off the bar and leant back in my seat, rubbing my hands over my eyes. It annoyed me how with this whole Big C thing the exhaustion hit me like a train. One minute I was perfectly fine and the next I felt like if I didn't get to a bed soon I would have to curl right up on the bar. I stretched quickly before jumping off the stool and pushing it to the bar. "I better go before Dani freaks out. I'll see you another time," I flashed a quick smile as she nodded and smiled back at me, before grabbing my coat and heading for the door.
….
As I walked along the street I saw Walt curled up, sleeping in his box, just like he did every night. The amount of times I had offered for him to sleep on our couch, only to be rejected was too many, yet every night I thought the same thing. I tried to walk past as quiet as could, and nearly died from heart failure when he sat up and spoke.
"You look happier," He mumbled as he looked me up and down and pulled his blankets up around him, "What got you smiling?"
I didn't know how to answer that, because he was right. For the first time since the first doctor's appointment I wasn't thinking about my cancer. I wasn't thinking about my chemotherapy or how I'm going to tell my parents. I wasn't bothered by my sleepiness or my cough. I had a clear head, and it felt amazing. So when Walt asked what it was down to, it scared me that the only possible answer was Brittany. I had known her less than one day, yet she had made me forget about everything. It scared me even more because as I shrugged my shoulders and carried on walking, Brittany was the only thing in my head. Even when I got the apartment she was, and when I crawled into bed next to Dani, Brittany was still right there, in the front of my head.