Injustice For All
Every muscle Harley Quinn had was strained and tense as she looked carefully around the room, breathing softly.
A shape suddenly leapt out at her from the shadows, grabbing her from behind. She elbowed it in the ribs, and then flipped it over her shoulder, sending her attacker hurtling into the wall. She backflipped, kicking out at the figure, and heard him grunt in pain. She didn't have time to savor her triumph, however, as her leg was seized and she was thrown into the wall. Winded, she tried to struggle to her feet before the shape was on top of her, but it was too late. It had its hands around her throat, choking her and slamming her head down onto the floor. Harley kicked up suddenly, making the figure grunt in pain again and release her. She kicked him in the stomach and then slammed her fist down on his neck, making him fall to his knees. She continued to punch him across the face repeatedly.
"Take that!" she shrieked. "And that, and that!"
He kicked at her ankles, tripping her up. She fell back and he jumped on top of her, but she rolled out of the way, causing him to land on his stomach, gasping in pain.
She sat on his back, ripping his bowtie off and tightening it around his throat, pulling his neck back and choking him.
"Ok, ok, I give!" he shouted. "Uncle!"
Harley released him immediately, and the Joker lay on the ground, massaging his throat. "And that…pooh…is how you beat up a guy who attacks you from behind!" he gasped. "Although most of 'em probably won't have bowties. And of course in real life, you kill them, even if they say uncle."
Harley beamed, helping him to his feet. "I did good, huh, puddin'?"
"Yeah, you did all right," he agreed, nodding.
"And I am getting better, huh? I wanna be the best little fighter ever, so you can be proud of me," said Harley, cuddling against him.
"Oh Harley, I'm already proud of you," he said, smiling. "Though I'm more proud of myself than you, of course. I took an ordinary shrink and changed her into a lean, mean, killing machine! I'm incredible!"
"You sure are, puddin'," she purred, kissing his cheek. "Now let's get you some painkillers."
"What? And waste all that lovely pain?" he said, grinning. "Not on your life! Besides, you know what it does to me. We should take a roll in the hay while the sun shines, so to speak," he murmured, pulling her into his arms and kissing her tenderly.
"Mmm, but you're bleeding from your mouth, puddin'," said Harley, gently.
"Don't pretend you don't love it, you naughty little minx," he breathed, kissing her again.
"Oh…Mr. J!" she gasped, as he pressed her down on the floor. "Should I get the whoopie cushion?"
"Leave it for round two," he murmured, grinning. "When we're gonna play dunk the clown."
Things were beginning to heat up when the telephone suddenly rang.
"Let the machine get it," murmured Harley, as he looked up, distracted. She pulled him back down to her as the phone rang, and at last the Joker's answering machine message clicked on, beginning with an insane burst of his trademark maniacal laughter.
"Boy, did you get a wrong number! Leave your message at the sound of the shriek!" This was followed by begging and a long, drawn-out scream from an unfortunate victim. When it was over, they heard a different voice.
"Joker, it's Lex. Pick up."
Silence followed, and then the same voice said. "I know you're there – just pick up. It's important. Pick up the phone."
More silence. Then a deep sigh. "Joker, I'm calling about a surprise, a fun surprise. But I can only tell you what it is if you pick up the phone."
"Did somebody say fun?" chuckled Joker, climbing off Harley instantly and hurrying over to the phone. "Lexy, old kid! What's this about a fun surprise?"
"There's no fun surprise –I'm actually calling about the Injustice League conference, Joker," retorted Lex Luthor. "But you wouldn't have picked up if I told you the truth."
"You mean you lied to me?" gasped Joker. "Is there no honor among thieves?"
"It was the only way to get you to answer the phone – I'm more concerned with efficiency than honor," said Luthor. "It's my philosophy for life, generally."
"If that were true, Lexy, you'd have picked someone else to help you organize this conference," chuckled Joker.
"I didn't pick you," snapped Luthor. "I didn't have a choice. You're the only member of the Injustice League who has never had the responsibility of organizing – it's about being fair and balanced, which you have to be, in a league."
"Nah, not in the Justice League," said Joker. "How is it fair and balanced to have Batsy working with all those super-powered freaks? Of course my money's on him for being able to kick all their asses if it ever came to it. Stupid bunch of alien weirdos and their superlamewad powers…"
"Look, we can schedule in some Justice League bashing for the afternoon of the conference," interrupted Luthor. "But we really need to discuss practicalities now. We can use one of my buildings for the venue, but I've got forms here for catering and speakers and decorations, and we need to fill them out."
"Aw, but Lex, paperwork is so boring!" groaned Joker.
"A necessary evil if you wish to succeed in the world of business," retorted Luthor. "And life. Society is based on bureaucracy and red tape – learning how to cope with these things is the only way to master society and eventually dominate it."
"You could always just blow it up," said Joker. Harley was gazing longingly at him, but he winked at her as he said this, and she grinned, giggling, as she came over to him and knelt down, unbuckling his belt.
"So for catering, I'm looking at a diverse spread – I think we should start with some light hors d'oeuvres, maybe some of those cocktail sausages…"
"Mmm, oh yeah, that's nice," whispered Joker.
"Glad you approve. For the main I thought maybe a buffet, with a selection of choices – vegetarian option, non-vegetarian option for Poison Ivy, alien cuisine for the non-human among us…"
"Oh, so good!" gasped Joker, breathing heavily. "More, c'mon, gimme more!"
"More? Uh…ok," said Luthor, studying the menu. "I guess we can have varieties like Italian or Tex Mex or…"
"That's it! Oh yes, baby, yes!" cried Joker.
"Tex Mex? Didn't know you were a fan," said Luthor. "Ok, and for dessert I was trying to decide between a selection of cakes, or a cheese platter, or a chocolate fondue…"
"All, baby, take it all!" hissed Joker. "I don't care if you choke! Take it all!"
"Joker, we can't take it all – who's gonna get stuck with the bill for this stuff?" demanded Luthor. "Me, that's who! And I may be a billionaire, but I didn't get that way by wasting my money on five different desserts! I'm not blowing a fortune on…"
"Blow it! Just keep blowing it!" gasped Joker. "Oh yes, Harley!"
"Harley?" repeated Luthor, and as Joker moaned in pleasure, the realization hit him. "Oh my God, what are you doing?!" roared Luthor. "Why are you doing that when you're on the phone with me, you sick freak?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Well, it's your fault for calling…in the middle of things, Lexy," sighed Joker, catching his breath. "Here, I'll put you on speaker."
"Hi, Lexy!" called Harley, standing up and waving at the phone.
"Hello, Harley," growled Luthor. "Thank you for giving me an image that nearly made me sick."
"No problem!" said Harley, happily. "Hey, this conference thing sounds great, especially if you're gonna have a chocolate fondue fountain, which is my recommendation, by the way. Can I come?"
"Once we've hung up the phone, pooh, you will," growled Joker, nuzzling her neck.
"I meant to the conference, puddin'," said Harley, giggling.
"Absolutely not," retorted Luthor. "It's for Injustice League members only."
"Well, can I join the club?" asked Harley. "I think I've got all the requirements – I'm a supervillain. Isn't that the only criteria?"
Luthor laughed without humor. "It certainly is not. Our members are screened through a rigorous process that tests not only their intellect, but their ability in combat…"
"Hey, I'm a good fighter!" said Harley. "I just beat the crap outta Mr. J – it's the only way to get him in the mood! And I think I'm smart enough to pass a test – I used to be a psychiatrist, y'know. C'mon, Lexy, gimme a chance!"
"I'm sorry, Harley, but sidekicks to supercriminals are ineligible for membership," said Luthor, firmly.
"Sidekick?" repeated Harley. "I ain't a sidekick! Just because I'm a girlfriend of one of the members don't make me a second-rate villain! I'm just as bad as you or Mr. J, ain't I, Mr. J?" she asked, turning to Joker pleadingly.
"Uh…look, Harley, it's mostly just a guy thing…" said Joker, slowly.
"That's not true – Red's a member!" said Harley. "Why don't you want me joining, Mr. J? What happens at these conferences?" She paled suddenly. "Wait, is it like Vegas? Does what happen at the Injustice League conferences stay at the Injustice League conferences?! Are there loose women around?! Is that why you don't want me there, because you wanna cheat on me?!"
"No, pumpkin pie, calm down!" said Joker, trying to stop her from growing hysterical. "It's mostly just a really boring conference!"
"And, I repeat, it's for members only," said Luthor, firmly. "I'm sorry, Harley, but now is simply not the time or place to discuss your membership."
"Well, when will be the time and place?" asked Harley. "Can Mr. J bring it up at the conference?"
"We'll see," said Luthor. "Although we already have quite a full schedule, so we might not have a lot of time for new business. And, as I've already said, sidekicks are not able to gain membership."
"I ain't a sidekick!" cried Harley. "I'm Mr. J's partner, and equal! Ain't I, Mr. J?" she asked.
Joker didn't know how to respond. On the one hand, Harley was most definitely not, in his mind anyway, his partner and equal. She was his henchwench, nowhere near his intellectual greatness, and certainly not worthy of being a supervillain in her own right. He definitely didn't want to give her the ego, or the boost of self-esteem in thinking she was his equal by granting her equal membership in the Injustice League. On the other, he hated to bow to Luthor's stupid rules and regulations. But on yet the other hand, if anyone had three hands, he did enjoy the conferences as time for himself on his own, away from Harley. If she got membership, she would never leave his side. They would go everywhere together. And he simply couldn't let that happen – he couldn't let her tighten the noose around his neck any further.
"No," he said, firmly. "You ain't at all my equal, Harley, and you ain't equal to anyone in the Injustice League. You're my little henchwench and sidekick, who I created, to serve me, and so you can't join the league because you ain't a supervillain. You're just Daddy's little pet," he cooed, patting her head.
He had thought that last sentence would please Harley. It didn't. She punched him hard across the face. "You jerk!" she shrieked. "I'm every bit as good as any member of your stupid league, and I'm gonna prove it!"
"Harley! Harley, get back here!" he called after her. "Harley!"
But she ignored him, racing off and slamming the door behind her. Joker sighed heavily. "Well, at least this day can't get any worse," he grumbled.
"Not quite," said Luthor, dryly. "We still have about fifty more forms to get through."
Joker groaned. "What have I ever done to deserve paperwork?" he sighed. "Gimme a fight with the Bat anyday."