The song If I Were a Boy by Beyonce inspired me to write this piece. I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of sadness when I watched the music video, and I thought to myself how much the song seems so true. Hope you enjoy this because I didn't study for my finals to write this. Sorry if there's any confusion or grammatical errors and remember to review! Hope you have a Happy Holidays and a Happy New Years!

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho!

Playing the Game

I've watched and seen you do things that I could never do. Things that if I were to try and pursue would condemn me and label me more unjustly than it would you. You are allowed to play these games just because you're a boy…

To whom this may concern,

I've thought of doing things that would be labeled as scandalous. Thinking that perhaps I should play the game just to see why it appealed to you so much, why it appealed to all boys so much.

I've always been told that the life boys live is much harder than that of a girl, but that isn't true. They aren't conformed to the strict regulations and rules that appear to girls, yes they do more dangerous and labor intensive jobs but that doesn't mean anything anymore. Not when most machines take away the need for muscle in today's society.

Boys don't have to obey the rules and ideals of the media propaganda, which scatter across pictures of magazines and televisions. Boys don't starve themselves to fit into a size 5 dress. Boys don't have to wake up hours earlier to endure the hot rods of a curling iron and the plucking and priming of early morning toiletry routines. Boys don't have to walk around in three inch heels just to make their legs like longer and their butt look better. Boys don't' have to stand in front of their closets and plan and contemplate what clothing they should wear, for if a girl didn't rotate her clothing and wore an item too much people start to take notice. If only my life was that simple.

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go

I remember waking up early to find myself sleeping in an empty bed. I remember wondering if you came home last night. I find myself worrying myself into a state of panic on your behalf.

Then I find myself questioning whether I should have worried or not. If you even cared anymore whether I too went out and didn't come home days at the time. Whether you would let me go and meet with friends that I haven't seen recently because you deemed that I wasn't committing to our relationship. I wonder if you would allow me to have meaningless conversations and flirt with men. I wonder if you would even care anymore.

Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
Because they'd stick up for me

I question if you even remember the promises and loving words you use to whisper in the dead of the night in the beginning years of our relationship. If you even understand how much pain you cause me now that you're not around as often anymore. I use to know and understand you, but I don't think I can listen to your careless promises of love and eternity anymore. Not unless you change.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

But you can't change. It's not in your nature to change. You're stubborn and prideful and you refuse to see the truth. You don't see the destruction and pain you're causing me because you refuse to see it. It never even crossed your mind that I was thinking about leaving you, tossing away the years that I've dedicated and cultivated with you because you never listen to any of my problems. You don't see any difficulties, you stop seeing me as a girl that needed love and affection but rather as a live in caretaker that looks after your every whim.

I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

I lost count of how many times over the past year that I phoned you and the only thing I receive would be your voicemail. All the times where I would call just to have the busy signal sent my way. You act like I'm not important enough to talk too, like you're ashamed of me.

I would wonder if I'm fooling myself into believing all the lies that you told me. That the brand new phone that I bought you would conveniently have technical difficulties when I called you. That all the time you came home late was due to business and not anything else.


If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they think
that I was sleeping alone

I remember the times I would call to ask if you would be coming home for dinner. I think of all the uneaten meals that I cooked, all the burnt out candles and forgotten plans. The list just goes on and all. In the beginning they happened rare enough, but as the months past the incidents when you would forget become more and more frequent.

I remember sitting on the couch for hours, dolled up from top to bottom waiting for you to come home to celebrate our fifth anniversary, only to have you stumbling home past 2 A.M drunk and smelling like another girl's perfume.

I would always find myself angry, no furious, beyond belief. Only to wake up to find small gestured that indicate that you was sorry: breakfast in bed, flowers and chocolate or even jewelry.

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home (to come home)

Every time I think you understand the damage you inflict upon me you would prove me wrong. You would follow the same routine again after I start to heal. You would stumble home late; you would drink and fool around with girls. The cycle would than begins again, the pain, the hurt and the forgiveness. I can never gather enough strength to pursue an escape; I can't bring myself to leave the only boy I ever love.

I remember when you use to do anything in your power to make me happy, to solve my problems and ease my burden. But as the years stroll by the boy that I once knew changed into someone that didn't care anymore, someone who refused to better themselves for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

How much pain must a girl endure before she becomes numb to her surrounds? How many times must I fool myself into believing that you'll come home in time to sit down with me for dinner? Why do I keep torturing myself by staying with you? Am I a sadist that I find pleasure in the pain that you're causing me? Why can't I just pick up my broken pieces and find a safe haven in which to slowing try to fit back the shards of my heart?

I can't because I'm too in love with you. I can't because I don't know how I'll ever live without you in my life. I can't because I know you need me. I know that it's not healthy for me to keep undergoing this but I just can't conjure up the strength or will power to leave you.

I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted (wanted)
Cause he's taken you for granted (granted)
And everything you had got destroyed

I know all this but I must try. I need to try to stand on my own two feet again, who needs a perversion of love anymore. I can only take so many apologizes, all of your pleas and groveling wouldn't make an impact on my decision to leave you. I can't take anymore of the heartache that seems to enter regularly into my life.

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong


I remember the first time I ever met you. You smiled that endearing smile when we were introduced by our friends, the grin that nearly melted my heart and cast me to a puddle at your feet. The gentlemanly way you captured my hand and brought it to your lips. They way your emerald eyes gleamed in amusement when I blushed.

I remember the first time you asked me out. The nervous look on your face as you pulled forth a bouquet of red roses and thrust it forward, the manner your eyes couldn't meet mine as you asked for me to go out to dinner with you. I recall the look of pure physical relief when I accepted, the sigh of liberation that escaped from your mouth.

But the day would be forever engraved in my mind was the day you whispered you loved me, the look of torture when I started crying after your confession. I recalled how you rushed forward to say that it was okay if I didn't feel the same way, that you just wanted me to know the feelings in your heart. I remember the look of confusion on your face when I threw myself on you and shyly whispered the same words back. You had the most ecstatic appearance on your face as you picked me up and twirled me around.

You were so anxiousness when you asked me to move in with you. The look of determination that appeared on your face as you kneeled down in front of me and pulled out that velvet box. Your face full of boyish charm when you jested about the pathetic size of the diamond, the love that emerged on your face as you asked me to marry you.

But you're just a boy
You don't understand (yea you don't understand)
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you'll wish you were a better man

The years go by so swiftly, and how fast people change. The perfect life and relationship we once had corroded and deformed itself into this ambiguous piece. I'm not even sure if we have the right to call what we have a relationship anymore, all I know is I can't stand it anymore.

It seems I'm always living in the past. I can't picture myself going on anymore, not with the person you've become. Not when you refuse to grow up and become a man. Not when I know that you litter our pathetic relationship with lies. Not when you can't bring forth the courage to accept that I've changed as well, not I'm not that naïve girl that believed in fairytales and happily-ever-after.

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you've taken her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

I may love you once upon a time, but I can't sit around waiting for you to change yourself back into the gentle and loving person I fell in love. I can only accumulate enough strength to say I loved you and goodbye. You need to open up your eyes and see that this relationship can't be salvage anymore, that whatever love that was ever felt between us has died and withered away.

Sincerely yours,

Botan

I need a man that can fulfill my emotional needs. I need someone that makes me feel needed and wanted. I need someone that loves me. I need someone new, but just remember that I loved you. I'm not that girl anymore that you once knew. I grew up and I need a man who knows how to take care of me…

But you're just a boy…

Well hope you enjoy this story, I'm planning to make a second installment in Kurama's point-of-view. Sorry that there isn't really any Botan and Kurama interaction but it's supposed to be a sad breakup story. Actually it's a work in progress and I'm halfway through so it should be up soon. Remember to review and tell me what you think!

EDIT: Somehow I didn't notice that I replaced the first chapter with the second...so now that's fixed.