Title: Like I pretended I didn't

Rating: G

Summary: From the Cyndi Lauper episode where NUKE was "separated" Noah's Thoughts while Cyndi sings.

At first, I just wanted to get out of there…I even asked "him" i.e. Tony to leave with me…but something made me go back. At first I didn't know why I was even back inside…but then Cyndi Lauper started singing THAT song. I have heard that "True Colors" is the official "gay" anthem. When I read the lyrics later, I could totally understand. But When Cyndi started playing, the words did not matter. All I cared about was this blonde haired, doe eyed boy that apparently became her best friend.

Cyndi apparently loved Luke as much as I pretended I didn't. She called him her "new best friend". I watched Luke go up on stage with her. That's when I really studied him. He looked so sad; like he had just lost his best friend…or lover. But I shook that thought from my head. Cyndi was singing directly to him and clearly thought he was special…like I pretended I didn't. Any other gay boy would have been all smiles because Cyndi was singing to him. But Luke was clearly distraught, depressed…he clearly hated his life!

I swallowed heavily at this thought. Oh GOD. Had I done this to him? Had I driven him to the point that even the "gay man's dream" didn't make him happy? Why couldn't I just tell him that he meant as much to me as I clearly did to him? How could I let this amazing man go? I am ruining him!

Luke is polite to her…but Cyndi must know that he is not totally happy to be on stage with her…wait….I think she does! As she sings, Cyndi has this look of deep sympathy and understanding. Oh. my. God. She KNOWS!

Even as Luke is on stage with her, and while I'm in the back, I begin to feel this awful heaviness in my chest. Am I not doing the right thing? Cyndi wraps her arm around Luke as he gives a halfhearted smile. (1) "and I can't remember, when I last saw you laughing," Cyndi sings as Luke has a pained countenance. And that's when it really hits me as if Cyndi were making an actual statement. I have heard that Luke has been miserable. He has even told me. And yet, I do nothing about it…God what kind of person am I? Here I am…I'm BLESSED beyond belief with this amazing guy, and I am virtually throwing him away…damn.

Cyndi's song is like a beacon. I can feel my heart finally beating my mind. It breaks away. It gives me a strong slap in the face as I watch Luke and Cyndi. I want Luke. But more than that…I want to BE WITH Luke. How could I have been so stupid? I want to kiss him, hug him, lay with him, eventually be "with" him. What was I thinking?

"So don't be afraid!!!!!!!" Cyndi suddenly sings loudly. The rest of the lyrics to that sentence don't matter. I suddenly know what I've done wrong…and what I must do. How could I have been SO mistaken???? God. I love Luke. Who cares what has happened? Luke showed me who I am. Luke showed me I didn't have to be afraid. Luke showed me….how to be me.

The song ends, Luke steps down. She blows him a kiss. I didn't know I was doing it…but I had already started walking towards him. Luke is applauding with his back to me. I walk up and grab his shoulder. He turns and his face is actually surprised. I'm so ashamed with myself that I almost don't know what to say. All that comes out is, "We need to talk." It's so gruff and not at all how I wanted to address him…but it works. He readily agrees and follows me as I lead him outside.

I don't know what I'm going to say to him….

I don't know how I'm going to express myself….

All I know….

Is that the only thing want….

To be with him….

As much as I pretended I didn't.

She really has her arm around him already but I thought it was a good touch at this point!