A/N:

This is just one of those stories that I am writing in between my other stories and I feel that my inspiration's running dry :-P Therefore, this story is unbeta'd, and all the mistakes are mine, and mine only.

It's also the first time I'm attempting pure comedy, so hopefully, it'll be up to your standard.

The pairing is E/B, but it will take a little while for them to get there, so be open to both of them flirting with other people, okay? :-D

Good!

Title: Three's a Crowd

Author: MarieCarro

Genre: Comedy/Romance

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Bella and Rosalie are roommates and best friends. When the third friend of their BFF trio moves out to live with her boyfriend and her newborn baby, the girls need to find someone new, and it appears that someone just happens to stumble into their laps.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER 1

The apartment was a complete mess, and the evidence suggested the reason was a very successful party the evening before. On the couch, in the middle of everything, Bella and Rosalie were sleeping

Bella's dream was beyond awesome and she was smiling, but Rosalie was fidgeting, which made it obvious her dream wasn't as pleasant as her roommate's. Her restless moving accidentally knocked the stereo's remote off the coffee table, and when it landed on the wooden floor, the stereo started blaring out ear-deafening rock music from its speakers.

Both Bella and Rosalie jumped up, awakened by the shock of the sudden music. Disoriented and hungover, the girls started screaming until Bella scrambled down onto the floor for the remote. She finally found the off-button and shut off the music with a relieved sigh.

"Oh god," Rosalie groaned and threw her arm over her eyes.

Bella pressed her cheek against the cooler floor and moaned. "Fuck, my head..." She wanted to rub her aching temples, but her arm was too heavy to maneuver.

"Bella?" Rosalie croaked.

"Yeah?"

"Are you alive?"

Bella let out another moan. "Yeah, I'm alive, but my liver ain't..." She laughed at her own joke, but it worsened her headache. A fragment from the night before pushed its way to the forefront of her mind, and another, more undignified sound left her. "Fuck. Rose, you know that obnoxious, vulgar chick last night?"

"Uh-huh," she answered and removed her arm an inch to look at her friend on the floor.

"The one who stripped while dancing on the counter...?" Bella continued, and this time, Rosalie let out a giggle.

"Yeah..."

"And grabbed every guy's ass..."

"You mean, the guys' for starters," Rosalie filled in, and her smirk was wide as she waited for Bella's conclusion.

Bella lifted her head with a mortified expression. "That was me, wasn't it?"

Rosalie exploded in laughter and nodded. "Absolutely!"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Bella mumbled. "Alice probably hates me now. The party was for her!"

"Don't worry about it," Rosalie reassured. Her own headache was slowly subsiding, but she wasn't fully ready to get up from the couch yet. "She barely had enough time to see you roll yourself into the carpet with Jasper. She had to leave for the hospital right after that."

Bella's eyes flew open and she shot up into a kneeling position. "What? Last night?"

The smile on Rosalie's face grew. "Yeah. We rolled Jasper out of the carpet and got them into the same cab." Her smile softened as she dug her phone out of her pocket to show the photo of a red-faced baby resting against an exhausted-looking Alice sent from Jasper. "An eight pounds and completely healthy little boy."

"What?!" Bella gasped and grabbed the phone to look closer. "Oh my god, that's just—" she was so excited for her friend, but her exclamation made her more aware of her head and the pounding behind her eyes. She pressed her thumb and forefinger against her eyes. "Ouch." When she opened her eyes again, she spotted the bowl of Rosalie's punch. Immediately, she stood up and handed Rosalie the bowl. "Just throw this brew from hell out," she grumbled and walked over to the mirror to examine herself and the mess she was in.

Rosalie sat up on the couch and looked at the bowl in confusion. "My special punch? What's wrong with it?"

"Ask the ladle," Bella retorted.

Rosalie fished the ladle out of the bowl and noticed the plastic tool looked distorted as if something had melted it. She made a sheepish face toward Bella.

"And my numb tongue," Bella continued and checked her tongue in the mirror. It looked normal, but her mouth felt as if it was filled with cotton. "Ugh, it must have been pure vodka in that."

"Yeah, it was vodka, gin, tequila, Galliano, Campari, brandy, pear-flavored cordial—"

"Stop, stop, stop," Bella begged and grabbed a hair clip from the dresser to get the haystack out of her face.

Rosalie laughed and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth, but she immediately comes back out with wide, uncertain eyes. "Uh, Bella?"

"What?"

"There's a guy in our tub."

Bella whirled around in shock. "What?"

Rosalie pointed over her shoulder. "He's in there, sleeping."

Bella hurried into the bathroom with Rosalie right after her, and she immediately saw the guy in the tub. He was kind of hard to miss because his tall frame didn't really fit the size of the tub, so his legs were dangling over the edge.

"Do you know him?" Rosalie asked as she had no idea who he could be. She thought he was cute, though.

"Hard to say. He's got all his clothes on," Bella joked and let out a snort, but Rosalie hit her lightly on the arm.

"Stop it. We need to get him out of here. There's a girl coming to look at Alice's old room today. She could be here at any moment."

Bella didn't really want to wake the guy up as she knew it would be very awkward. "We'll just close the door."

"What if she wants to see the bathroom?" Rosalie countered.

"I guess we'll just have to say he's an unusually large rubber duck." Bella laughed again, but Rosalie wasn't amused.

"He needs to be gone when she gets here. Just wake him up!"

With a sigh, Bella leaned over and poked the guy's shoulder, but all it did was cause him to turn his head to the side and continued to snore, so she experimentally turned the faucet on. Even as the tub slowly filled with water, the guy didn't wake up. Bella gave Rosalie a resigned look, and Rosalie turned to fill up a glass with water which she then threw right in the guy's face.

With a gasp, the guy shot up into a standing position and looked around the room with bewilderment. His hair, wet from the water, fell across his eyes, and when he spotted Bella and Rosalie staring at him, he tried to regain some of his dignity by smoothing the wet strands away.

He placed a foot on the edge of the tub and played it cool. "Good evening," he said calmly.

"More like 'Good morning'," Rosalie replied, and the guy looked sincerely confused.

"It's already morning?" he asked and moved to take a step, but his foot caught on the edge of the tub and he fell forward. Before he knocked his head on the toilet seat, Bella and Rosalie caught him.

Tangled in their strange position on the bathroom floor, Bella gave the guy a wide-eyed look. "I have a more interesting question for you. What are you doing in our bathtub?"

The guy cleared his throat. He didn't have a clear answer to the girl in whose arms he was currently lying. "Uhh, my name's Edward. Edward Cullen." He turned and saw Rosalie's smile. The light-haired young woman was one of the most beautiful he had ever placed his eyes on. "Hey," he said to her flirtatiously with his own smile, but as he shifted his weight, the girls' hold on him slipped, and he landed with a thud on the floor. He looked himself over as if he hadn't noticed he was soaked until just then. "And I am wet. Could I borrow a towel?"

Rosalie reached out and gave him the requested towel with her smile still in place. He was even cuter awake. "I'm Rosalie," she introduced herself.

Edward nodded as he dried himself. "Oh yeah, I remember you. You were at the party last night." He offered her his hand to shake.

"You mean our party," Bella clarified, not as taken with the guy as her friend was even though she couldn't deny his attractiveness.

"This is Bella." Rosalie gestured toward her. "My best friend and roommate"

Edward turned to offer a handshake to her as well, and while Bella accepted it, her smile was a little tighter and less open than Rosalie's. Edward got the message loud and clear. "Right," he said. "Well, I was one of your guests last night."

"Really?" Bella replied with a hint of both sarcasm and confusion since neither she nor Rosalie had any idea who this guy really was.

"Yeah, well, I came with a friend of a friend who had a girl who knew one of those who'd gotten lost," Edward explained, and as he did, he realized how stupid it sounded. "Or something like that," he finished, embarrassed.

"You were also lost then?" Rosalie offered helpfully.

"And ended up on our bathtub," Bella said and gave Rosalie a questioning glance. Not a minute before, she wanted the guy out, but now she was flirting unabashedly with him.

Edward blinked and took a deep breath. "God, I don't know. Last thing I remember was drinking from that punch. Then everything went black."

Bella instantly felt relieved. "Oh good! Then you don't remember the half-naked chick dancing on the counter, right?"

Edward gave her an intrigued look. "Sadly, no. Is she still here?"

Rosalie turned eagerly to Bella. "Yeah, it was—"

"No!" Bella stopped her with a pointed look. "She went home." She turned back to Edward. "Shouldn't you also get home?"

"Yeah, I guess I should," Edward agreed and started to stand.

"Wait," Rosalie said. "You can't go home in wet clothes," she insisted.

"But you just said—" Bella started, but this time, Rosalie stopped her.

"Well, he can't." She met Edward's somewhat nervous eyes. "Take it all off. You can borrow something from one of us while it dries."

The girls left the bathroom, and Edward understood he didn't really have a say in the matter, so he shrugged and removed his garments.

A couple of minutes later, Bella knocked on the door, and when Edward opened it wearing nothing but his underwear, she really had to hide the surge that went through her stomach. The guy had quite the body. She held out the fabric in her hands toward him. "I'm afraid we don't have any guy's clothes lying around, so you'll have to settle for this."

Edward held up the flowery silk robe which wouldn't even reach mid-thigh on him. "Are you kidding?"

Bella shrugged. "Nope. It was either this or tights and a tube top. Your pick." She held out her hand again. "Just give me the wet clothes. I'll hang them up close to the radiator."

Edward discontentedly put on the robe and gave her his own clothes, but Bella had to bite her lip to hold in the laughter bubbling up from the sight of him in her pale-yellow silk robe.

Rosalie exited her bedroom looking much more put-together than before, and when she saw Edward, she didn't even try to hold in her laugh. "Well, look at you! Aren't you cute."

Bella cleared her throat and nodded with a serious expression. "Very manly."

Edward narrowed his eyes at her. "If the guys on my basketball team saw me like this, they'd start showering with their clothes on," he said and gave the both of them a tight, unamused smile.

With a roll of her eyes, Bella walked away from him. "That's their issue, not yours," she said. "It shouldn't be a problem for a guy who's secure in his own sexuality."

"I am secure in my sexuality!" Edward protested her implication loudly.

"Then wear the robe and stop complaining."

Edward grumbled and scratched his jaw which was covered in stubble. He wanted to shave, but he didn't dare ask these girls for anything because he had the feeling there was no guarantee what they'd offer him to use.

Rosalie disappeared into the kitchen, and Edward looked after her with interest. Bella noticed and made a face before she followed her friend.

She was immediately met with the smell of something burning, and she saw smoke coming out of the toaster. "Shit!" she exclaimed and ran to pull the plug. The two pieces of bread jumped up looking like coal. Bella looked over at Rosalie who was standing by the stove, stirring in a pan. "Why are you cooking?" she asked.

Rosalie shrugged. "I don't want to be a bad hostess."

Bella shook her head. "Rose, you're not a hostess, that guy isn't a guest, and you can't cook."

"Then you do it," she said, but Bella scoffed.

"I can't cook either, which is why we always eat cereal in the morning."

Edward entered the kitchen and wrinkled his nose, but he arranged his face to a more polite expression. "Smells like breakfast."

Rosalie offered him a sweet smile. "Yes. We're having omelet," she said and started to divide up a crumbly, lumpy mass on three plates. When she placed one in front of Edward by the table, he did his best to not look disgusted.

"Mm," he said. "This will be great." He nervously took some of the abused eggs on his fork. "This tastes"—he started to prepare a compliment, but as soon as the 'food' hit his tongue, he couldn't pretend anymore—"disgusting."

Bella and Rosalie, who'd both had the same experience with the failed omelet, didn't want to show they agreed with him.

"Then maybe you, Mr. smart-ass wants to fix something better," Bella challenged Edward, and he stood up from his seat with the plate in hand.

"Yes," he nodded. "I am positive." He put the plate in the sink and turned to the fridge to rummage through the contents. "What do you have? Alright, bell pepper, onion, tomato, some ham, and a cucumber. I should be able to whip something together with this."

Rosalie sidled up to him. "Really?" she asked sultrily.

Edward smirked and held up an onion. "Rosalie, could you be a sweetie and chop the onion for me?" he asked, obviously responding to her flirting.

She nodded. "I could do that."

Bella deftly stepped in between them as she wasn't interested in seeing the display between the two. She exaggerated a cough. "By the way, asking Rosalie to do something in the kitchen is like asking her to perform bypass surgery." She laughed, and Rosalie gave her an indignant look. Bella shrugged. "It's true."

Rosalie had to give her that one and rolled her eyes before turning back to Edward. "So you really know what you're doing?"

"I should hope so," he replied. "I'm a senior at Udub, and my major is culinary arts." He impressively flipped the knife in his hand and winked at her.

"Well, isn't that fantastic," Bella interjected to once again douse the heat between her best friend and the guy they barely knew.

Edward, who was quite fed up with Bella's negativity, turned to her. "I could use a dash of wine for this. Would you mind getting some for me?"

"Yeah, I guess I can collect it from the bottles from the party," she replied and grabbed one of said bottles from the counter. "Does it have to be the same color?" she asked while looking at the label, but when she didn't get an answer, she looked up only to see the other two giving each other lustful gazes again. Bella walked closer to the couple and wolf-whistled to get their attention. They immediately jumped apart. "Does it have to be the same color?" she repeated her question.

"Preferably," Edward replied with annoyance. He didn't enjoy this girl continuously cock-blocking him in the least.

Bella left the kitchen even though she didn't like leaving those two alone. Rosalie had a tendency to end up in bed with every guy she thought attractive, and the last thing Bella wanted was to accidentally walk in on the two doing the nasty with each other. She also tried to dismiss the hint of jealousy she felt over her friend receiving all of Edward's attention.

She knew she wasn't always the most pleasant person, especially in the mornings when she was sporting a hangover, but she'd been convinced they were trying the throw the guy out. Then Rosalie did a full one-eighty on her, and Bella was left looking like the vinegar while Rosalie was the honey.

In the kitchen, Rosalie and Edward were sitting by the table as he chopped up the bell pepper.

"So you're a full-time student?" she asked and nicked a piece of pepper from the cutting board.

Edward nodded. "Yeah, but I have a few gigs on the side at different pubs. It's always good with a bit of extra money when my student loan needs to be paid off."

Rosalie nodded and supported her chin on her hand. Neither of them had noticed Bella had come back.

"So what do you do?" Edward asked.

"I'm a meter-maid," Rosalie replied happily.

"No," he responded incredulously. "A meter-maid? Don't you think that's a bit of a waste of your"—he looked her up and down—"resources?"

Rosalie leaned forward and gave Edward a good look of her cleavage, which made Bella roll her eyes. "Well, what do you suggest I do then?"

"I don't know." Edward gave her an appreciative smile. "Modeling or dancing, or something like that."

Bella walked over to the stove where the onion was being softened. "I think you're burning the onion," she commented loudly, but it took a few seconds before Edward registered what she said.

When he did, he shot up from his seat and flitted over to the stove. Bella hopped up on the very counter she'd danced on the night before and watched while Edward worked. Rosalie joined them and patted Bella's thigh.

"Bella's also a student. Part-time though, and she also works at the local florist."

Edward nodded without taking his eyes from the pan. "How interesting," he said, but his tone made it clear he really didn't think so.

The doorbell rang, and Bella made a move to answer it, but Rosalie stopped her. "I'll get it," she insisted and left the kitchen in a hurry.

Edward gave her backside another lustful glance, but Bella snapped her fingers in front of his eyes.

"Keep your eyes on the onion, dude."

Rosalie opened the front door and was greeted by the wide smile of a young woman.

"Hi!" the woman said enthusiastically before entering the apartment.

"Uh, hi," Rosalie said, and her confusion was clear.

"I'm Jessica Stanley," the woman continued. "I'm here to look at a room."

"Right." Rosalie suddenly felt uncertain and called for Bella over her shoulder.

Bella came out from the kitchen, and Jessica shot forward to shake her hand.

"Hi, I'm Jessica Stanley! Nice to meet you," she said just as enthusiastically as before. "I heard your roommate was moving out. I heard it from a friend of a friend. I think the first friend was hers, the second was mine. Anyway, here you have me!" she spewed out and ended it with a giggle.

Bella blinked, somewhat taken aback by the girl in front of her, and she exchanged a look with Rosalie. "Yeah, there we have you..." she mumbled.

Jessica started to give herself the tour of the place and headed for the kitchen. Before either Bella or Rosalie could stop her, she stepped into the room and saw Edward standing by the counter in his borrowed silk robe. "Oh!" Jessica exclaimed in surprise. "Hello."

Rosalie and Bella quickly directed her out of the kitchen. "Yeah, we found him in the tub," Rosalie said as she didn't know how else to explain Edward's presence, in his particular state of dress, in any other way.

Jessica opened her mouth to ask, but Bella stopped her. "Yeah, the exterminators left him behind when they were here last week."

A squealing laugh left Jessica which caused Bella and Rosalie to jump in fright. "The exterminators! Aren't you funny!"

Bella exhaled and tried to keep her dislike of the woman off her face. "Look, Jessica, we—"

"Oh, call me Jess. All my BFF's call me that," she insisted with a wink.

"How nice," Bella commented. "So, Jessica, we have a lot of girls coming to look at the room, so—"

"We have?" Rosalie whispered in her ear.

"We better have," Bella hissed back.

Jessica held up her hands. "Say no more. I'll leave my number with you, and I'll wait for your call." She wrote her number on a piece of paper which she gave to Bella.

When the door had closed behind her, Rosalie and Bella gave each other a look before both shook their head. Jessica would have to wait for that call for a long time.

Edward exited from the kitchen, a dishcloth draped over his arm like a fancy waiter. That fact that he was still wearing the silk robe made the image even more comedic. "Madams, breakfast is served," he announced in a snobbish manner.

The girls walked into the kitchen, and Edward pulled out chairs for both of them, which sort of impressed Bella. When they were seated, he placed a plate in front of them, and the amazing aroma made Bella want to moan.

"Dig in," he said, and with slight caution, they started to eat.

As soon as the flavors melted in Bella's mouth, she did moan, and all caution was thrown to the wind and she started to eat in earnest. "Mm. Oh my god." She looked up from her plate for a second and noticed Edward was looking at her this time with the same interest he'd shown Rosalie earlier. To distract herself, Bella took another bite. "This is actually edible!"

"Not too bad, huh?" Edward said with a pleased smile. "Even though I never get the chance to really practice since I live on campus."

"You do?" Rosalie asked with her mouth full of food.

"Yeah," he said disappointedly and sighed. "Tiniest room with access to a hotplate, and that's the way it will continue to be until I can afford something else, or find someone to share an apartment with." He shrugged and didn't notice the girls had stopped eating simultaneously to share a look.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Rosalie asked carefully.

Bella swallowed. "I think so."

"Good!" Rosalie turned to Edward with a wide smile. "Hey, Edward. What would you think about mov—"

"Whoa!" Bella interrupted. "Time-out!" She stood up and motioned for Rosalie to do the same. "Committee meeting."

Rosalie looked at her questioningly. "Why?"

"Now." Bella grabbed her arm and dragged her out in the living room, and also made sure to close the door to the kitchen.

"There's nothing to talk about," Rosalie insisted. "He would be the perfect roommate."

"True," Bella agreed. "But we still need to go over the pros and cons first."

"Fine, then." Rosalie threw herself down on the couch. "Shoot."

"He's a perfect cook," Bella started.

"Pro," both said in unison.

"It would feel kind of safe to have a man in the house," Bella continued.

"Pro," both said again.

"He's hot."

"Pro," Rosalie said at the same time as Bella said; "Con."

"Con?"

"Yeah, of course," Bella said and climbed up on the backrest of the couch. "Didn't you see how he checked you out before? And I know you, Rose. You have zero restraint when it comes to guys like him."

"So?"

"So? If you get into bed with him while he's living here and it doesn't work out between you two, we'll have to start looking for a new roommate again."

Rosalie sighed. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right. Do you remember how things went with Nick?"

"Nick was nice," Rosalie protested. "And he said he only wanted a friend."

"Right," Bella said. "And later that night, that friend tied you up to his bedpost?"

Rosalie started laughing as she remembered that particular night. "Yeah, that was a very pleasant surprise." Bella joined in her laughter. "But I promise, I will be strong this time."

Bella shook her head. "Sorry, babe, but it's not gonna work."

"Why not?" Rosalie whined.

"Because you don't have an immune system." Bella climbed off the couch. "There's only one thing to do."

"Yes," Rosalie agreed and stood up as well. "You'll have to be strong for the both of us." She opened the door to the kitchen and caught Edward eavesdropping.

He smiled, embarrassed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to … uh … actually, I was—"

Rosalie shrugged. "Okay, well you obviously already know what we're gonna ask, so what do you say?"

"Do you really want me to move in here with you two?" he asked with a hopeful smile. "Are you serious?"

Bella knew she had lost, so she nodded silently along with Rosalie.

"But we share everything here, just so you know," Rosalie said, and Edward looked both of them over with a suggestive grin.

"I'm fine with that."

Bella crossed her arms and got up in his face. "She's talking about food, rent, bills, electricity."

"Yeah, yeah." Edward waved her away. "I get that."

"So what do you say?" she asked and waited without uncrossing her arms. Edward didn't understand why she was so defensive.

"I'll have to think about it," he said even though he had already made up his mind. He just enjoyed building up the tension. "Alright, then," he finally said.

"Great," Bella said and grabbed his arm. "Then we'll just lay down some ground rules." She dragged him into the sparsely furnished bedroom. "This is your room." She pushed him down on the bed and he almost landed face first. When he looked back at Bella, he was somewhat scared and disoriented. She pointed toward the two bedrooms across the living room. "Those are our rooms"—she leaned down over him and pointed at his chest threateningly—"and if you get any bodily fluids in the wrong territory, we'll have to take you to the vet." She finished off her threat by making a scissor motion with her fingers. "Got it?"

He nodded. "Loud and clear."

"Perfect," she said much more sweetly than before. Rosalie came up behind her. "Then the only thing left do is to say: Welcome to your new home, Edward Cullen."

A/N:

This is a multi-chap so this is definitely not the end; only the beginning xD So what did you think of it? Are you interested in reading more, or should I stop right here?

Fair warning, updates on this story will be slow and sporadic because as I said on top, I'm only writing on this story in between my other ones and I need to jolt my inspiration a bit ;-)