[Standard Disclaimer]
"Misato, how can you be so cruel?" Misato looked at Shinji and sighed resignedly. She looked at him for a couple more minutes and started to head back to the car. He didn't follow her.
~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~
Shinji sat there and stared into the distance. His mind was a blank. He couldn't think about anything. He didn't *want* to think about anything. Movement next to him brought him back down to earth.
Rei was sitting there with her knees brought up to her chin. The moonlight gave her skin and hair an unearthly glow. She too was gazing into space.
Silence pressed all around them - it was uncomfortable, to say the least.
"Do you know why the Fifth Child gave his life up for you?" Rei asked, not turning to face him. Not facing her either, Shinji shook his head - then her words sank in.
"For me?"
"For all of us - but now I ask 'for you'," corrected Rei. Shinji shook his head again. The Fifth Child - Kaworu - did not give up his life for anyone - Shinji had killed him. Rei interpreted his silence correctly.
"Ikari, he would not have wanted you to feel guilty - but for you to get over your guilt, you must first know why he has made you go through this." Shinji stared at her. When was the last time Rei ever said this much?
"He had broken your trust, and because of that, he feared being hated by you - so he ran away from you." She gave him her well-known intense look. Shinji squirmed a bit - that *was* the general summary of Kaworu's actions. But it was also the general summary of Shinji's throughout the year.
"But as you state, he had deserved to live.despite his follies. He had shown you that running away makes the problem so much worse." Shinji, despite himself, knew that she was right - but Kaworu didn't have to die!
"He didn't have to die..."
"You are right...he did not have to die - he did not have to run away," Rei replied...with a hint of sadness? Shinji turned his gaze back to the stars.
"I killed him."
"Ikari, you are unhappy because you feel that you have done wrong - but his purpose was fulfilled, he would not have been needed anymore, he would be like me, neglected and ignored. He would have had to live with the guilt of hurting the one that he loved... although it did not have to turn out like this, you have given him the ultimate freedom, he would have been deeply grateful to you..."
Before he could say anything, Rei stood up and walked away, leaving him to fully absorb her words and their meaning...
~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~
_be like me, neglected and ignored_
Did Rei really think of herself that way? Shinji was walking home and contemplating her words - mainly, those words. He thought about her apartment and started to realize what she meant.
What about Gendo? No, he just used her. She was like everybody else - a tool in his ultimate plan that nobody really knew much about. She had no parents that he was aware of, no friends, and no one to talk to...
If Shinji were in her position, he would have gone loopy - even more so, if he had made a revelation like Ayanami's. She allowed herself to be neglected, to be ignored, to be used, and yet, she was so cool, calm, and composed whenever he saw her.
It made him feel for her even more than when she went out to the battlefield and died for him. The feeling could have been called an emotion, if he had known what it was. What ever it was, it reminded him strongly of what Kaworu had felt for him.
"Why did you make me kill you? You were my friend, the only one left I could call my friend." He whispered as he tried to remember what Kaworu had told him.
_You are like glass - at least your heart is...this is worth earning my empathy...I'm saying 'I love you'..._
Shinji's eyes widened as realization dawned on him. Kaworu had felt Shinji's pain, had confessed to feeling the same heartbreak, had comforted him, had loved him...of course, Shinji ignored the final act of their relationship.
Was this the same way Shinji was feeling for Rei? Reaching his bed he decided that he did, he did love Rei, no matter what her feelings for him were...too tired to think, he flopped and fell asleep, almost missing the mattress.
===dream===
Shinji found himself on top a hill, a cool breeze stroking his face, looking up at the stars, the moon at her fullest, casting a divine glow to the night.
Rei was there, next to him, her arms wrapped around him, head resting against his shoulder...her beautiful eyes up at the sky, her mind probably with the stars. Her skin glowed, her hair a shock of ice blue.
Her mind though was with the pain of the terrible battles against the Angels, thinking about how everybody thought that she was nothing but a dispensable tool. Shinji ran his fingers through her hair.
"Don't say that Ayanami."
"Say what?"
"You are not neglected, you are not ignored."
She stayed silent, but now her eyes were fixed on him. He couldn't help but marvel again at the depth, the knowledge behind those ruby orbs. She was just like Kaworu...
"Don't ever say that Rei...because I care for you."
===end dream===
Shinji woke up and swore colorfully when he found out that it was just a dream. Ah well, dreams were dreams, and according to Asuka, should be ignored. Shinji felt that this one wasn't one of those ordinary dreams, so he kept it on his 'to think about' list.
He didn't even yell out to Misato that he was going outside - she wasn't worthy of his attention or trust at the moment. Closing the door behind him, he set out wondering aimlessly...
Around sunset, Shinji found himself walking along the crater/lake caused by the 16th angel. By some unknown force, he found himself turning around to look at the piece of rubble where he first met the enigmatic Kaworu Nagisa.
Instead of seeing a white shirt, black trousers, silver hair tinted orange in the sunset, Shinji saw a figure wearing the girls' uniform with a shock of ice blue hair tinted violet.
"Ayanami?" The figure turned her head around to face him. Indeed, it was Rei Ayanami perched upon the rock. She registered the person to be Shinji and smiled.
"Good Afternoon Ikari-kun."
"You can call me Shinji if you want." She kept on smiling and remained silent. _She looks beautiful like that...no - she always looks beautiful. She looks divine like that, amongst the sunset..._
"You are less upset?" Shinji nodded.
"You know what Rei? You were right." Rei felt a jolt through her when Shinji had called her by her first name. It made her feel almost special. "I don't think Kaworu would want me to wallow in my own self-pity."
//Up in Heaven, napping on a big, fluffy cloud, Kaworu woke up upon hearing his name. Seeing that Shinji was ok, the silver-haired Angel smiled and went back to sleeping\\
Rei jumped off the rock, and with her toes brushing against the water, floated to over where Shinji was. Shinji stepped back at the sight but remembered the last time he had seen that happen - the person hadn't meant any harm toward Shinji, so he assumed that this was the case as well.
"I am pleased to hear that."
"Rei, you shouldn't think of yourself like that - neglected and ignored." Shinji had sounded like he had finally grown a spine - having one, was another matter to be considered(^_^). Rei blinked.
"You shouldn't think like that because...because it's not true!" Shinji had lost all courage under her soft but intense stare. She blinked again. She was confused.
"You shouldn't think about how Gendo thinks about and uses you...he's not human!" Rei smiled at Shinji's little outburst. She couldn't have described the commander any better [I can, but we'll ignore me for the time being].
"Misato cares for you - she was really worried when you died and she was really mad when she found out what they were doing to you. Uh...Hikari, Toji, and Kensuke care for you too - they always wonder why you're gone and uh...yeah."
"And Asuka's just really jealous of you. But she wanted to be you friend remember?" Rei nodded. Shinji could see that he was having an effect on her. He smiled slightly.
"I really, uh...I think about you a lot. You're always willing to defend me, even when you know you'll get hurt. You're always there when I wake up in the hospital ward thingy. And you don't thwap me like Asuka does.
"I don't care that you're not normal - because if you were really gone than I would've felt really bad. I don't care that you're an Angel - Kaworu was one and he wasn't bad. Just because you hit me once isn't a reason for me to be angry at you for the rest of my life either."
Shinji felt a blush creep slowly towards his face but he still kept his head up. He felt Rei hold his hands in her own. That ruined all chances of his face cooling down because it had turned a nice shade of maroon.
Rei stared. Was a person capable of going so dark a color? She ignored the silly question in her head and gazed deep into Shinji eyes. They were a deep, liquid sapphire. "What are you trying to say Ik...Shinji-kun? Do you have affections for me?"
"Uh...well...erm..." Shinji was stuttering again. Rei sighed with what seemed to be affections of her own. If possible, Shinji went a darker shade of red.
"Yes - in your words, I do have affections for you. I care about you Rei, and seeing you put yourself down like that really upsets me."
"I do not understand - you also put yourself down," Rei thought for a moment, "watching you do so perplexes me also."
"It does?"
"Yes - I do not like seeing you hurt." Their faces were only inches apart. "I do not like seeing you in pain."
A warm sensation washed over Shinji - Rei cared for him! He tightened his grip slightly while thinking of something to say to that unexpected (but not unwelcome) declaration.
"If you do not like seeing me in pain, say that you love me." He whispered, knowing that it was a *very* long shot. Rei stared, although it was not her usual cold and analytical eyes that were piercing into him. They were warm and shimmering with an inner flame.
"If these affections...no, these feelings," Rei shook her head and tried again, "this emotion - if this is what you call love, then..." Her voice had dropped to lower than a whisper - a whisper that was meant for Shinji and Shinji only.
"For eternity."
//Up above in Heaven, Kaworu smiles, knowing that Shinji will not be subjected to heartbreaking pain any longer...that Shinji has found a beam of happiness in a cold and uncaring world.\\
"Misato, how can you be so cruel?" Misato looked at Shinji and sighed resignedly. She looked at him for a couple more minutes and started to head back to the car. He didn't follow her.
~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~
Shinji sat there and stared into the distance. His mind was a blank. He couldn't think about anything. He didn't *want* to think about anything. Movement next to him brought him back down to earth.
Rei was sitting there with her knees brought up to her chin. The moonlight gave her skin and hair an unearthly glow. She too was gazing into space.
Silence pressed all around them - it was uncomfortable, to say the least.
"Do you know why the Fifth Child gave his life up for you?" Rei asked, not turning to face him. Not facing her either, Shinji shook his head - then her words sank in.
"For me?"
"For all of us - but now I ask 'for you'," corrected Rei. Shinji shook his head again. The Fifth Child - Kaworu - did not give up his life for anyone - Shinji had killed him. Rei interpreted his silence correctly.
"Ikari, he would not have wanted you to feel guilty - but for you to get over your guilt, you must first know why he has made you go through this." Shinji stared at her. When was the last time Rei ever said this much?
"He had broken your trust, and because of that, he feared being hated by you - so he ran away from you." She gave him her well-known intense look. Shinji squirmed a bit - that *was* the general summary of Kaworu's actions. But it was also the general summary of Shinji's throughout the year.
"But as you state, he had deserved to live.despite his follies. He had shown you that running away makes the problem so much worse." Shinji, despite himself, knew that she was right - but Kaworu didn't have to die!
"He didn't have to die..."
"You are right...he did not have to die - he did not have to run away," Rei replied...with a hint of sadness? Shinji turned his gaze back to the stars.
"I killed him."
"Ikari, you are unhappy because you feel that you have done wrong - but his purpose was fulfilled, he would not have been needed anymore, he would be like me, neglected and ignored. He would have had to live with the guilt of hurting the one that he loved... although it did not have to turn out like this, you have given him the ultimate freedom, he would have been deeply grateful to you..."
Before he could say anything, Rei stood up and walked away, leaving him to fully absorb her words and their meaning...
~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~
_be like me, neglected and ignored_
Did Rei really think of herself that way? Shinji was walking home and contemplating her words - mainly, those words. He thought about her apartment and started to realize what she meant.
What about Gendo? No, he just used her. She was like everybody else - a tool in his ultimate plan that nobody really knew much about. She had no parents that he was aware of, no friends, and no one to talk to...
If Shinji were in her position, he would have gone loopy - even more so, if he had made a revelation like Ayanami's. She allowed herself to be neglected, to be ignored, to be used, and yet, she was so cool, calm, and composed whenever he saw her.
It made him feel for her even more than when she went out to the battlefield and died for him. The feeling could have been called an emotion, if he had known what it was. What ever it was, it reminded him strongly of what Kaworu had felt for him.
"Why did you make me kill you? You were my friend, the only one left I could call my friend." He whispered as he tried to remember what Kaworu had told him.
_You are like glass - at least your heart is...this is worth earning my empathy...I'm saying 'I love you'..._
Shinji's eyes widened as realization dawned on him. Kaworu had felt Shinji's pain, had confessed to feeling the same heartbreak, had comforted him, had loved him...of course, Shinji ignored the final act of their relationship.
Was this the same way Shinji was feeling for Rei? Reaching his bed he decided that he did, he did love Rei, no matter what her feelings for him were...too tired to think, he flopped and fell asleep, almost missing the mattress.
===dream===
Shinji found himself on top a hill, a cool breeze stroking his face, looking up at the stars, the moon at her fullest, casting a divine glow to the night.
Rei was there, next to him, her arms wrapped around him, head resting against his shoulder...her beautiful eyes up at the sky, her mind probably with the stars. Her skin glowed, her hair a shock of ice blue.
Her mind though was with the pain of the terrible battles against the Angels, thinking about how everybody thought that she was nothing but a dispensable tool. Shinji ran his fingers through her hair.
"Don't say that Ayanami."
"Say what?"
"You are not neglected, you are not ignored."
She stayed silent, but now her eyes were fixed on him. He couldn't help but marvel again at the depth, the knowledge behind those ruby orbs. She was just like Kaworu...
"Don't ever say that Rei...because I care for you."
===end dream===
Shinji woke up and swore colorfully when he found out that it was just a dream. Ah well, dreams were dreams, and according to Asuka, should be ignored. Shinji felt that this one wasn't one of those ordinary dreams, so he kept it on his 'to think about' list.
He didn't even yell out to Misato that he was going outside - she wasn't worthy of his attention or trust at the moment. Closing the door behind him, he set out wondering aimlessly...
Around sunset, Shinji found himself walking along the crater/lake caused by the 16th angel. By some unknown force, he found himself turning around to look at the piece of rubble where he first met the enigmatic Kaworu Nagisa.
Instead of seeing a white shirt, black trousers, silver hair tinted orange in the sunset, Shinji saw a figure wearing the girls' uniform with a shock of ice blue hair tinted violet.
"Ayanami?" The figure turned her head around to face him. Indeed, it was Rei Ayanami perched upon the rock. She registered the person to be Shinji and smiled.
"Good Afternoon Ikari-kun."
"You can call me Shinji if you want." She kept on smiling and remained silent. _She looks beautiful like that...no - she always looks beautiful. She looks divine like that, amongst the sunset..._
"You are less upset?" Shinji nodded.
"You know what Rei? You were right." Rei felt a jolt through her when Shinji had called her by her first name. It made her feel almost special. "I don't think Kaworu would want me to wallow in my own self-pity."
//Up in Heaven, napping on a big, fluffy cloud, Kaworu woke up upon hearing his name. Seeing that Shinji was ok, the silver-haired Angel smiled and went back to sleeping\\
Rei jumped off the rock, and with her toes brushing against the water, floated to over where Shinji was. Shinji stepped back at the sight but remembered the last time he had seen that happen - the person hadn't meant any harm toward Shinji, so he assumed that this was the case as well.
"I am pleased to hear that."
"Rei, you shouldn't think of yourself like that - neglected and ignored." Shinji had sounded like he had finally grown a spine - having one, was another matter to be considered(^_^). Rei blinked.
"You shouldn't think like that because...because it's not true!" Shinji had lost all courage under her soft but intense stare. She blinked again. She was confused.
"You shouldn't think about how Gendo thinks about and uses you...he's not human!" Rei smiled at Shinji's little outburst. She couldn't have described the commander any better [I can, but we'll ignore me for the time being].
"Misato cares for you - she was really worried when you died and she was really mad when she found out what they were doing to you. Uh...Hikari, Toji, and Kensuke care for you too - they always wonder why you're gone and uh...yeah."
"And Asuka's just really jealous of you. But she wanted to be you friend remember?" Rei nodded. Shinji could see that he was having an effect on her. He smiled slightly.
"I really, uh...I think about you a lot. You're always willing to defend me, even when you know you'll get hurt. You're always there when I wake up in the hospital ward thingy. And you don't thwap me like Asuka does.
"I don't care that you're not normal - because if you were really gone than I would've felt really bad. I don't care that you're an Angel - Kaworu was one and he wasn't bad. Just because you hit me once isn't a reason for me to be angry at you for the rest of my life either."
Shinji felt a blush creep slowly towards his face but he still kept his head up. He felt Rei hold his hands in her own. That ruined all chances of his face cooling down because it had turned a nice shade of maroon.
Rei stared. Was a person capable of going so dark a color? She ignored the silly question in her head and gazed deep into Shinji eyes. They were a deep, liquid sapphire. "What are you trying to say Ik...Shinji-kun? Do you have affections for me?"
"Uh...well...erm..." Shinji was stuttering again. Rei sighed with what seemed to be affections of her own. If possible, Shinji went a darker shade of red.
"Yes - in your words, I do have affections for you. I care about you Rei, and seeing you put yourself down like that really upsets me."
"I do not understand - you also put yourself down," Rei thought for a moment, "watching you do so perplexes me also."
"It does?"
"Yes - I do not like seeing you hurt." Their faces were only inches apart. "I do not like seeing you in pain."
A warm sensation washed over Shinji - Rei cared for him! He tightened his grip slightly while thinking of something to say to that unexpected (but not unwelcome) declaration.
"If you do not like seeing me in pain, say that you love me." He whispered, knowing that it was a *very* long shot. Rei stared, although it was not her usual cold and analytical eyes that were piercing into him. They were warm and shimmering with an inner flame.
"If these affections...no, these feelings," Rei shook her head and tried again, "this emotion - if this is what you call love, then..." Her voice had dropped to lower than a whisper - a whisper that was meant for Shinji and Shinji only.
"For eternity."
//Up above in Heaven, Kaworu smiles, knowing that Shinji will not be subjected to heartbreaking pain any longer...that Shinji has found a beam of happiness in a cold and uncaring world.\\