Life in Small Doses
By:GoldenSilence
A/N=Wow, six months of no writing whatsoever, and then I just sit down and start writing this. It's weird. Guess you never can get writing out of your blood. It's like an addiction.;) This is kind of sappy, but yet it's not in that.well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret now, would it? ________________________________________________________________________
I guess, looking back, it was probably my own fault. Most things that happen to me are that way. I like to think it's from being spontaneous more than from being clumsy. Spontaneous just sounds better than clumsy, anyway. I mean, it's not like I go out looking to get in trouble, you know?
Actually, well...hmm, nix the above statement. Life would be pretty boring without all the spontaneous trouble stuff. Though, admittedly, the trouble I'm in now isn't purely sprung from living for the moment.
It all began when I decided at two in the morning, to go out on the terrace of my room for a breath of fresh air. Oh, I know what you're thinking (or would be thinking, as a diary is inanimate and has no feelings. Besides which, of course, no one is actually reading this diary, NOW ARE THEY??!!!) How do you just decide to do anything at two in the morning? Aren't most people usually in state of drooling incomprehension long before two o'clock rolls around?
Good point. Unfortunately, I happen to have the sleeping cycle of a..well, actually, I can't think of a single analogy. Possibly a bear, who save all their sleeping for when the really need it, i.e. =when they get bored, except for the fact that I have a good deal less body hair. What all this means is that, generally, unless I have nothing better to do (i.e. = the door and windows to my room are bolted shut and I am stuck inside without the key, basically) I don't end up getting all that much shut-eye. It's the curse of being hyper.
So, at two a.m., the point at which I am just beginning to start thinking of maybe-just maybe- being a less than vertical position in my room, all hell breaks loose (figuratively speaking, you understand. If all hell broke lose, I sure wouldn't be dawdling around in my room like lazy bum, attacking swizzle-sticks with my boomerang.)
I don't even have to go outside to see what's causing the entire racket, because it's pretty obvious. Gilder is chasing Clara (or more to the point Clara is chasing Gilder) all the animals are involved in some sort of contest to decide who can make noise the loudest, and Brahm has chosen on top of all this to start hammering at objects, possibly the animals themselves by the sound of things.
I went outside, anyway, to see if the noise was driving anyone else as insane as it was driving me, and if they, in their insanity, wouldn't mind some company. I don't like being alone much, and I especially didn't want to be alone right then. My thoughts weren't exactly comforting, and having a friend with you helps to straighten things out sometimes. Or confuse them more, in the case of Vyse, but I'd rather not go into too much detail on that just yet.
I didn't even bother to check to make sure the coast is clear before I headed out in my nightgown, as it's pretty obvious from the racket that it's not. 'Sides, being overly cautious of company is not something that concerns me, especially as I tend to attract company wherever I go.
Wait a second. Not *that* kind of company! I can practically see Gilder snorting as he reads this. Not that he ever will, mind you. (No one else better, either! Or I'll get you, I swear it! A kindly word of caution: If you've gotten this far, you better turn back while you're ahead. This applies especially if you're a certain red-haired child under the age of seven. Yes, Marco, that means you. Don't think I didn't know all about your little discovery. You left chocolate smears all over the edges of my pages, and the fact that my diary was currently blank at that time does NOT excuse it, do you hear me?)
Yes, well, now that that's taken care of, moving on. I knocked on Vyse's door only after I had stamped my way loudly and purposefully across the terrace, like an elephant on a mission. This is not to say I go around every day sounding like a group of fifty people stampeding. Honestly, how good a pirate and thief would that make me? By the time I snuck up to steal anything, (I should stress, by the way, I steal only what has already been stolen,*ahem*) the person would already be miles away, unless they chose out of sheer stupidity to stay and laugh. It's amazing the distance a person can cover when they hear loud footsteps approaching them from behind.
Anyhow, this habit of mine comes from when I was little. I would always just barge in to Vyse's room, figuring my feet pounding the stairs as I ran up would give him sufficient warning. Why knock when a little purposeful stamping around can have exactly the same effect?
Apparently though, Vyse was sleeping sounder that night than usual (or so I thought). So I knocked first, gently and then louder when I get no response. This doesn't surprise me all that much. Vyse sleeps like a rock, thanks to snoring that occurs with the regularity and loudness of a train.
What does surprise me, though, is that when I decided to listen at the door before trying the door knob, I heard not a peep. This, for someone whose snores do all but shake the earth, is an alien occurrence. I opened the door and it's as I suspected, completely empty.
Figuring perhaps Vyse was just enjoying the fresh air; I headed outside again. I leaned over the side of the terrace, heedless of splinters, and peered into the darkness. After trying to discern which inky shadow looked the most like a seventeen year old boy with bed head, I gave up.
So, with no one to talk to, I leaned my head on my hands, enjoyed the scenery, and just thought. This is an incredible feat of willpower coming from someone who would rather communicate with actual people as opposed to voices in her head. That's just the way I work, no communication, no good. Not as if everything between my ears comes up air (people like that get on my bloody nerves). I think and all, I just don't prefer to dwell on stuff. I like being busy, preferably on a daring adventure, and when you're busy you usually aren't thinking about things too much.
Still, a chance to just put aside everything is definitely to my benefit now and then, and that day I took it. I remember the color of the sky that night because it seemed to feel like I felt; murky and confused. The sky was a swirl of somber blacks, grays, and violet that mixed with clouds that covered the moon. A storm was brewing.
Being a pirate, the sky, the moons, the winds; I have to understand them. When my dad died, they were there, when my mom died, they were there. They've been with me through everything.as Vyse has. To me, the sky, the moons, and the winds all have personalities of their own. Maybe it's silly and childish, I know they aren't people, but I don't care. I'm attached to them and believing in nothing but fact; it kind of makes them seem more remote and not the familiar elements I've come to know.
Ugh, how come what's in your head always comes out so different on paper? It's hard to write this down because it's so personal. I've got words for everything in my life, but I try to find words to describe that night and poof! It's like my brain flies straight out my ears and makes a bee-line for the sugar.
I've always liked nighttime. It's the time for magic, for excitement. While other people are off snoozing, the rest of the world is still awake. It's kind of spooky when you think about it like that, but spooky in a good way, like anything could be around the corner just waiting to happen.
I guess it is good I didn't know then what the rest of the night would contain. If I had, I could have reacted different, but I don't regret what I did. Living life for the moment is better than holding back, but sometimes to really live; you have to feel pain as much as any joy. Hmph, you know, writing that statement doesn't comfort me any more than saying that out loud. I know it's the truth, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
It never used to bother me, that taking risks meant getting hurt sometimes. I'm pretty tough. When bad stuff happens, you just sort of pick yourself back up and keep on going and trying. I need to do that now, it's the only way to move on, but I'm not sure for once that I can.
Okay, so take a deep breathe, Aika. Calm, I am calllllm. I can write in this diary, and I'm going to. Maybe writing will make it easier to stop.loving him. There, I wrote the l- word. That's a start.
Sorry, diary, I know I am going in circles around what happened that night. I think it'll be easier if I just get to it, write it in one short sentence: I saw Vyse kissing another girl.
Not any other girl, actually, Fina. See, what happened is in the midst of enjoying the night sky; I saw this weird yellow light near the ground. It turned out to be Cupil, bouncing ahead of Vyse and Fina, who were coming back from a walk or something evidently, holding hands. Then, they stopped and he kissed her. I think if I had seen their faces, I could have understood why more. I mean, I'm not naïve, I know obviously they're attracted to each other, but Vyse's explanation to me...well. If I had seen his face maybe I would have known more how exactly he felt at that minute.
Over the years I've learned Vyse's face expresses a lot more than what he says. Not that I believe he lied to me, it is just that Vyse, sometimes he's selective about the truth. He doesn't like seeing people get hurt or suffer, and because of that, he protects people.
No matter how hard he tried, though, he couldn't blind me to what happened. I yelled as soon as I saw him kiss Fina, I couldn't help it. When I saw him kiss her, I realized something I hadn't before. I love Vyse. I don't know if it just evolved from our friendship, or if I have always loved him as I feel I have.
I'd always flirted with him, yes, but I figured it was just a sort of temporary attraction thing; I just took it as it came and acted on my feelings, figuring the hazy emotions I felt would eventually straighten out. I never took it seriously before I saw him kiss her.
I knew then, because it hurt so badly. I've been in my fair share of relationships, and probably beyond that. It may have been said a gazillion times before, but it's easier to fall in love than to fall out of it. Definitely. When I fall in love, I fall hard, and I fell hard. Down, down, down, down.
"So do you love her, then?" is what I shouted.
"Aika?"
"No, it's Marco on a pogo stick, wearing a sheet around his middle," I said sarcastically. Who else could it possibly be but me? You have red hair that sticks out in two braids, you forget ever being inconspicuous. I might as well have a sign with an arrow constantly lit over my forehead.
The pair of them looked up at me as if I was the apocalypse come itself, ready to strike them down where they stood. I can't say they were entirely wrong in that presumption. I was so angry. Would I have been doing what Fina was in my place? Yes, up until that moment, until I realized how important what I felt, Fina felt, and Vyse felt was. Everything felt like it was on this giant teeter totter going endlessly up and down while our friendship hung in the balance. Actually, the teeter totter's not a half bad analogy, as I was sick to my stomach then, too.
I was sure Fina had come to this same conclusion as I had.While Vyse's face was half hidden in shadows, hers was clear, lit by the close light of Cupil. She looked so sad, as if she knew what she was risking and had gone ahead anyway, but felt guilty about it. Fina's not like me. She thinks way before she acts. For her to do something like kiss Vyse, she must have thought of how it would affect me, and him. It was strange, but when I looked at her sad face, I felt proud of Fina in a way. She'd taken a risk, something she never ever does. Fina analyzes stuff so much; I swear she analyzes her way right out of ever taking big chances.
Vyse's voice was quiet. "Aika, don't do this."
"Don't do what?"
"Don't make me choose, damnit. You know I can't."
"Wasn't that what that kiss was about, choosing?"
"No!"
"Then what was it? Look Vyse, I want you to be honest. HONEST. I don't care how much more it hurts. It hurts already, anyway, seeing you two like this."
"Aika.you should know, I didn't mean for.I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you, either. You should know how important your friendship, and Vyse's friendship has been to me. I've never had friends before. I didn't want to ruin it."
Fina trailed off, her eyes looked suspiciously wide and watery. She tried to keep from crying by blinking rapidly. Love triangles are always portrayed as being glamorous, but in real life, they aren't. In the end, one person wins and another loses, one becomes the enemy and the other the hero. I can't see Fina like that, though. That's what makes it so hard. No matter how angry I am at Vyse and at her, I can't bring myself to hate either of them. It would be so much easier if Fina were horrid, or cruel, or stuck up, but she's not. She's quite possibly the sweetest girl I know and she's the epitome of a best friend for me and Vyse, always there supporting us, giving us courage and strength.
I can't hate Vyse either. I know him like I know the winds, not that I can predict or read everything he feels like he's a book, but I can understand where he is coming from because I understand him. How can you ever hate someone that's been your best friend since before you can even remember? Every memory I have, Vyse is a part of it. Hating him would be like hating a key piece of me.
"I know Fina. I don't want to ruin it, either. You love him, though, don't you?"
Fina hid her face behind her hands. When Vyse moved to comfort her, she backed hurriedly away.
"It's okay if you do," I added.
Fina nodded quickly. "I tried not to, I know it's not right, I know you love him and I want him to love you, but I can't stop.."
Fina started furiously scrubbing at her face, tried to stop the tears that were falling. I wanted so badly then to go and give her a hug like old times, tell her everything was alright like she'd always done for me. But this wasn't old times anymore, by kissing Vyse, she'd changed all that. Or maybe I'd changed all that by loving him.
This was getting ridiculous. Suddenly, I just wanted the whole thing to be over with. You know when everyone's mouth just seems to be moving in endless motion, like a fish's, and all you are aware of is how totally silly it all is? Yeah, that's what the situation seemed like. It seemed fate had heard my complaints of boredom earlier that night and decided to pluck me in the middle of some strange alternate universe.
Ever since I was born with red hair, I never doubted that fate had a sadist side. I spat in fate's face too much for me to actually be a believer in it. History is what happens when no one is prepared for it. I like people who go for what they want in life. You want to be a belly dancer? Great. You want to be a belly dancer and you're a guy? Okay, admittedly a little weird, but still great.
That was what attracted me to Vyse in the first place when we were kids. Not the wanting to be a belly dancer, I mean, the determination he had. The kid couldn't even fly a paper airplane, and yet he was so set on being a captain. We always used to sneak on his dad's ship and mess with the controls.
This is why Vyse confusion irritated me. It just wasn't like him. I knew what I wanted, and so did Fina, but Vyse couldn't even begin to state what he felt.
"Vyse, you have got to chose. How hard can it be to make one decision? Can't you just make up your mind? Close your eyes, spin around, and see who you end up pointing at. I don't care how. Just chose!"
"I can't!"
"Why not?!"
"Because if I end up choosing one, I end up losing the other. You of all people should know that I value my friends more than that, Aika."
Using our friendship for an excuse didn't work. You couldn't make love go away just because you wished it to for the sake of friendship. I know that now and I knew it then, that Vyse was trying to blind himself to whatever he felt, and though he said it was for me and Fina, it was just as much for his sake.
"And WHAT? You think that by not deciding, you save our friendship? You think I am just going to forget you and Fina and go around with a smile on my face? You think Fina's going to do that?" I demanded.
"I risked it," Fina's voice started out tentative and then got louder and louder until a exclamation marks wouldn't have done it justice. I was shocked to her Fina yelling. It was like bunny growing seven inch razor fangs. "I risked it because you asked me too, and because I love you, but now-I shouldn't have ever let you kiss me. Ever. I thought you felt the same, and I'm sorry I was mistaken. If you didn't feel the same, I guess I was just embarrassing myself."
"Fina, please, just listen. And you too, Aika. I love you, Fina, but-"
"-but?" I echoed moronically.
"-but Aika, I love you as well."
I threw up my hands. "Well, so much for the genius comment of the evening. In case you haven't noticed, Vyse, we"-here, I gestured towards Fina- "aren't twins. Just because we love you doesn't make us the same person. Look, I have got a life and a damn good one, and I don't intend to spend half of it pining around waiting for you to make up your damn mind." The amount of swear words in that sentence alone is more than I would normally use for stubbing my toe. I say them because I am nervous, because for the first time I am thinking of what I want to do, because for the first time I want to do more than just feel.
I jumped off the balcony. Any future hope for my nightdress was ended the minute my feet hit the ground, causing dirt to spiral up around me in a miniature whirlwind. I might as well have been a miniature whirlwind myself. For once, I knew what I was doing, and the people around me didn't. I kissed him, then. It wasn't a particularly nice kiss. Trust me, I could have just as easily kissed my pillow and got the same response. Only thing is, at least my pillow couldn't look at me afterwards like I'd suddenly grown a beard down to my toes.
I wasn't going to let him run away, not yet, not unless he decided to after what I told him. He would have to make his decision one way or the other. I reached out one hand to his cheek, the one with the scar and said, loudly, praying that Fina would understand," I love you."
It was so scary, staring into his eyes. Everything about them was familiar, the color of medium brown, the glimmer that came from pride, and from courage. His eyes were nutmeg and cinnamon, my favorite spices, spices of adventure, of laughter, and of friendship. What scared me was the foreign expression that lurked beyond the familiar components; it was frightening to think there were parts to Vyse I couldn't make sense of. I stood frozen in place like a puppet on strings, waiting for a hand to jerk it one way or the other, or for the hand to leave it all alone to sink to the ground.
Vyse was silent, so I chattered on. "There, I've said it. I've always hinted at it, but I've never actually said it. So now I've said it and you can do with it what you like."
It took him awhile, but then he spoke. "Aika, love isn't the solution. It's more like the problem. I..Aika, don't make it any harder. I don't want to say it and I know you don't really want to hear it."
Vyse couldn't look me in the eye. He couldn't even look me in the eye. The truth was there, and he was trying to save me from it. That's the problem with Vyse, always trying to bloody save everyone, like some dough shaped by a stereotypical hero cookie cutter.
My hand fell like lead from his face. I couldn't move back fast enough. In my haste to get away, I tripped and fell, scraping my knees roughly against the pavement and feeling more and more immature by the minute.
"Aika?" both Fina and Vyse ran to help me up. They hurt me so badly, yet I could not blame them. I had asked for it. I could have gone on not knowing, choosing not to see what they felt, but I had wanted to know, even if it hurt. And I knew. Vyse loved Fina and Fina loved Vyse. It was like a circle that kept going round and round, the words bleeding into one another.
Vyse squeezed my hand on one side, Fina on the other.
"I still do love you, you know," said Vyse.
"As a friend," I added bleakly, feeling like a piece of porcelain that had to be rescued before it shattered to pieces.
Fina frowned. "Don't say it like that, Aika. If I've learned anything from you and Vyse, it's that the word friend isn't something that can just be tossed out. Friendship lasts forever, beyond even love."
"Just because I love you as a friend doesn't mean that I don't love you with all my heart. It's just a different way from how I love Fina."
"Why?"
"Why?" Vyse ventured a hint of a smile. "Because you are different people, that's why."
What that boiled down to, was, Vyse didn't love me because I wasn't Fina. Oh, maybe he didn't mean it that way, but that's the way it ended up sounding to me, what with me being already on the defensive anyway. It didn't shock or upset me, though. I realized then that I could not be Fina in order to make Vyse love me, and I didn't really want to be, either. Besides, if Vyse did love Fina for the way she was, possibly he wasn't the guy I loved anymore. Usually a prime requisite for loving someone is that they love you back. And if Vyse can't love me for how I am they way I love him, well, I would rather he admits that and goes with someone else, then he loves me for something that's not my personality.
Fina put her head on my shoulder. "I don't want to be with him if it hurts you too much."
This was it. Where I was supposed to be the self effacing friend, the one that says oh that's fine, go ahead and walk right over me, just make sure you wipe your feet off in the grass first. My mouth was set to say no, but somehow between looking at her and Vyse, and the concern they had for me, I couldn't do it. They loved each other, and breaking that up wouldn't make me feel any better and it wouldn't make him love me, either. So, yeah, I said yes. Not to mention that I gave Fina a word on why she should never let any tell her what she should or shouldn't do.
They looked so relieved and happy (though they were trying hard not to, for me), it made me smile. Actually, no, it didn't. That's sarcasm again there. They looked so relieved; I felt a sudden urge to puke. Still, what Fina said next put me at ease.
"Thank you, for putting our friendship as a group first. You are a real friend and I want you to know that I, at least, will always try to be just as true a friend to both you and Vyse, no matter what happens."
"What do you mean, 'I, at least?' Look, Aika, I know you aren't going to forgive me for what happens easily, and that we can't just all go back to walking around with smiles pasted on like old times. This has changed our friendship, but I'm not going to let it ruin it, even if you want to give up on it."
I thought of anger, confusion, and love, all the emotions I was experiencing. Could I ever just put them behind me? Forgive maybe, but forget? "I don't know---"
"Then we should make a promise," said Fina. "To always put our friendship first, through all odds."
"I second that."
Fina peered at me. "Well, and how about you? Is that a promise you can agree to?"
I nodded my head, overcome. Don't worry unduly, though, all you readers, (admittedly nonexistent, as I already stated my warning at the beginning of this entry, you would have to be an absolute IDIOT to continue reading) this disturbing mute gesture of appreciation does not led to me becoming a mime at any point in the near future. That is the first and last time I actually chose not to convey myself with words.
What happened during the rest of that night isn't important, except, suffice to say, everyone and their mother heard our little soap opera from earlier. (It was pretty easy to figure out from the many guilty faces gathered around the breakfast table, overeager in pretending not to pay any attention to us, while at the same time listening in a way that suggested they could have heard Vyse scratching his nose from a mile away.) I never knew that so many people cared, or that so many people had so much advice. I have decided that nothing makes people feel more important than to pretend they possess immense knowledge other people don't.
I have never depended fully on anyone except Vyse since my parents died. I had never allowed myself another family. Now in Fina and Vyse's promise, I see support. I might not always need it, but it is there just the same, just in case I ever fall back, there to catch me. What I was most worried would happen, that Fina would take my place in Vyse's eyes and that she would suddenly come to know him better than I did, never came to pass. I decided my fears were unfounded when I realized that Fina may know sides of Vyse I don't, but that certainly doesn't mean she knows him better. (I should add, if I do say so myself, she definitely does not. Why, just the other day, she didn't even know where Vyse's ticklish spot was, when it's soo obvious that it's..
Oh yeah, like you think I'd write something as important as that down? HAH!)
Don't think I'm going to just buck up and pretend nothing ever happened, though. I can't forget what happened, and after writing this entry, diary, I really don't want to. It's made me part of who I am.
Yes, I loved him, and yes, I didn't know if I will ever stop, but there was comfort beyond the pain. The comfort that, even though Vyse loved Fina, she would not take the place of me, that maybe there was hope for our friendship. After all, when things break, they get mended so they're stronger than they were in the beginning. I'm not friends with Vyse and Fina yet like I used to be, it's still difficult to be so soon, but Vyse and Fina make an effort to say friends with me.
After all, as we always say, friendship comes first.
Fine
A/N=Wow, six months of no writing whatsoever, and then I just sit down and start writing this. It's weird. Guess you never can get writing out of your blood. It's like an addiction.;) This is kind of sappy, but yet it's not in that.well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret now, would it? ________________________________________________________________________
I guess, looking back, it was probably my own fault. Most things that happen to me are that way. I like to think it's from being spontaneous more than from being clumsy. Spontaneous just sounds better than clumsy, anyway. I mean, it's not like I go out looking to get in trouble, you know?
Actually, well...hmm, nix the above statement. Life would be pretty boring without all the spontaneous trouble stuff. Though, admittedly, the trouble I'm in now isn't purely sprung from living for the moment.
It all began when I decided at two in the morning, to go out on the terrace of my room for a breath of fresh air. Oh, I know what you're thinking (or would be thinking, as a diary is inanimate and has no feelings. Besides which, of course, no one is actually reading this diary, NOW ARE THEY??!!!) How do you just decide to do anything at two in the morning? Aren't most people usually in state of drooling incomprehension long before two o'clock rolls around?
Good point. Unfortunately, I happen to have the sleeping cycle of a..well, actually, I can't think of a single analogy. Possibly a bear, who save all their sleeping for when the really need it, i.e. =when they get bored, except for the fact that I have a good deal less body hair. What all this means is that, generally, unless I have nothing better to do (i.e. = the door and windows to my room are bolted shut and I am stuck inside without the key, basically) I don't end up getting all that much shut-eye. It's the curse of being hyper.
So, at two a.m., the point at which I am just beginning to start thinking of maybe-just maybe- being a less than vertical position in my room, all hell breaks loose (figuratively speaking, you understand. If all hell broke lose, I sure wouldn't be dawdling around in my room like lazy bum, attacking swizzle-sticks with my boomerang.)
I don't even have to go outside to see what's causing the entire racket, because it's pretty obvious. Gilder is chasing Clara (or more to the point Clara is chasing Gilder) all the animals are involved in some sort of contest to decide who can make noise the loudest, and Brahm has chosen on top of all this to start hammering at objects, possibly the animals themselves by the sound of things.
I went outside, anyway, to see if the noise was driving anyone else as insane as it was driving me, and if they, in their insanity, wouldn't mind some company. I don't like being alone much, and I especially didn't want to be alone right then. My thoughts weren't exactly comforting, and having a friend with you helps to straighten things out sometimes. Or confuse them more, in the case of Vyse, but I'd rather not go into too much detail on that just yet.
I didn't even bother to check to make sure the coast is clear before I headed out in my nightgown, as it's pretty obvious from the racket that it's not. 'Sides, being overly cautious of company is not something that concerns me, especially as I tend to attract company wherever I go.
Wait a second. Not *that* kind of company! I can practically see Gilder snorting as he reads this. Not that he ever will, mind you. (No one else better, either! Or I'll get you, I swear it! A kindly word of caution: If you've gotten this far, you better turn back while you're ahead. This applies especially if you're a certain red-haired child under the age of seven. Yes, Marco, that means you. Don't think I didn't know all about your little discovery. You left chocolate smears all over the edges of my pages, and the fact that my diary was currently blank at that time does NOT excuse it, do you hear me?)
Yes, well, now that that's taken care of, moving on. I knocked on Vyse's door only after I had stamped my way loudly and purposefully across the terrace, like an elephant on a mission. This is not to say I go around every day sounding like a group of fifty people stampeding. Honestly, how good a pirate and thief would that make me? By the time I snuck up to steal anything, (I should stress, by the way, I steal only what has already been stolen,*ahem*) the person would already be miles away, unless they chose out of sheer stupidity to stay and laugh. It's amazing the distance a person can cover when they hear loud footsteps approaching them from behind.
Anyhow, this habit of mine comes from when I was little. I would always just barge in to Vyse's room, figuring my feet pounding the stairs as I ran up would give him sufficient warning. Why knock when a little purposeful stamping around can have exactly the same effect?
Apparently though, Vyse was sleeping sounder that night than usual (or so I thought). So I knocked first, gently and then louder when I get no response. This doesn't surprise me all that much. Vyse sleeps like a rock, thanks to snoring that occurs with the regularity and loudness of a train.
What does surprise me, though, is that when I decided to listen at the door before trying the door knob, I heard not a peep. This, for someone whose snores do all but shake the earth, is an alien occurrence. I opened the door and it's as I suspected, completely empty.
Figuring perhaps Vyse was just enjoying the fresh air; I headed outside again. I leaned over the side of the terrace, heedless of splinters, and peered into the darkness. After trying to discern which inky shadow looked the most like a seventeen year old boy with bed head, I gave up.
So, with no one to talk to, I leaned my head on my hands, enjoyed the scenery, and just thought. This is an incredible feat of willpower coming from someone who would rather communicate with actual people as opposed to voices in her head. That's just the way I work, no communication, no good. Not as if everything between my ears comes up air (people like that get on my bloody nerves). I think and all, I just don't prefer to dwell on stuff. I like being busy, preferably on a daring adventure, and when you're busy you usually aren't thinking about things too much.
Still, a chance to just put aside everything is definitely to my benefit now and then, and that day I took it. I remember the color of the sky that night because it seemed to feel like I felt; murky and confused. The sky was a swirl of somber blacks, grays, and violet that mixed with clouds that covered the moon. A storm was brewing.
Being a pirate, the sky, the moons, the winds; I have to understand them. When my dad died, they were there, when my mom died, they were there. They've been with me through everything.as Vyse has. To me, the sky, the moons, and the winds all have personalities of their own. Maybe it's silly and childish, I know they aren't people, but I don't care. I'm attached to them and believing in nothing but fact; it kind of makes them seem more remote and not the familiar elements I've come to know.
Ugh, how come what's in your head always comes out so different on paper? It's hard to write this down because it's so personal. I've got words for everything in my life, but I try to find words to describe that night and poof! It's like my brain flies straight out my ears and makes a bee-line for the sugar.
I've always liked nighttime. It's the time for magic, for excitement. While other people are off snoozing, the rest of the world is still awake. It's kind of spooky when you think about it like that, but spooky in a good way, like anything could be around the corner just waiting to happen.
I guess it is good I didn't know then what the rest of the night would contain. If I had, I could have reacted different, but I don't regret what I did. Living life for the moment is better than holding back, but sometimes to really live; you have to feel pain as much as any joy. Hmph, you know, writing that statement doesn't comfort me any more than saying that out loud. I know it's the truth, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
It never used to bother me, that taking risks meant getting hurt sometimes. I'm pretty tough. When bad stuff happens, you just sort of pick yourself back up and keep on going and trying. I need to do that now, it's the only way to move on, but I'm not sure for once that I can.
Okay, so take a deep breathe, Aika. Calm, I am calllllm. I can write in this diary, and I'm going to. Maybe writing will make it easier to stop.loving him. There, I wrote the l- word. That's a start.
Sorry, diary, I know I am going in circles around what happened that night. I think it'll be easier if I just get to it, write it in one short sentence: I saw Vyse kissing another girl.
Not any other girl, actually, Fina. See, what happened is in the midst of enjoying the night sky; I saw this weird yellow light near the ground. It turned out to be Cupil, bouncing ahead of Vyse and Fina, who were coming back from a walk or something evidently, holding hands. Then, they stopped and he kissed her. I think if I had seen their faces, I could have understood why more. I mean, I'm not naïve, I know obviously they're attracted to each other, but Vyse's explanation to me...well. If I had seen his face maybe I would have known more how exactly he felt at that minute.
Over the years I've learned Vyse's face expresses a lot more than what he says. Not that I believe he lied to me, it is just that Vyse, sometimes he's selective about the truth. He doesn't like seeing people get hurt or suffer, and because of that, he protects people.
No matter how hard he tried, though, he couldn't blind me to what happened. I yelled as soon as I saw him kiss Fina, I couldn't help it. When I saw him kiss her, I realized something I hadn't before. I love Vyse. I don't know if it just evolved from our friendship, or if I have always loved him as I feel I have.
I'd always flirted with him, yes, but I figured it was just a sort of temporary attraction thing; I just took it as it came and acted on my feelings, figuring the hazy emotions I felt would eventually straighten out. I never took it seriously before I saw him kiss her.
I knew then, because it hurt so badly. I've been in my fair share of relationships, and probably beyond that. It may have been said a gazillion times before, but it's easier to fall in love than to fall out of it. Definitely. When I fall in love, I fall hard, and I fell hard. Down, down, down, down.
"So do you love her, then?" is what I shouted.
"Aika?"
"No, it's Marco on a pogo stick, wearing a sheet around his middle," I said sarcastically. Who else could it possibly be but me? You have red hair that sticks out in two braids, you forget ever being inconspicuous. I might as well have a sign with an arrow constantly lit over my forehead.
The pair of them looked up at me as if I was the apocalypse come itself, ready to strike them down where they stood. I can't say they were entirely wrong in that presumption. I was so angry. Would I have been doing what Fina was in my place? Yes, up until that moment, until I realized how important what I felt, Fina felt, and Vyse felt was. Everything felt like it was on this giant teeter totter going endlessly up and down while our friendship hung in the balance. Actually, the teeter totter's not a half bad analogy, as I was sick to my stomach then, too.
I was sure Fina had come to this same conclusion as I had.While Vyse's face was half hidden in shadows, hers was clear, lit by the close light of Cupil. She looked so sad, as if she knew what she was risking and had gone ahead anyway, but felt guilty about it. Fina's not like me. She thinks way before she acts. For her to do something like kiss Vyse, she must have thought of how it would affect me, and him. It was strange, but when I looked at her sad face, I felt proud of Fina in a way. She'd taken a risk, something she never ever does. Fina analyzes stuff so much; I swear she analyzes her way right out of ever taking big chances.
Vyse's voice was quiet. "Aika, don't do this."
"Don't do what?"
"Don't make me choose, damnit. You know I can't."
"Wasn't that what that kiss was about, choosing?"
"No!"
"Then what was it? Look Vyse, I want you to be honest. HONEST. I don't care how much more it hurts. It hurts already, anyway, seeing you two like this."
"Aika.you should know, I didn't mean for.I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you, either. You should know how important your friendship, and Vyse's friendship has been to me. I've never had friends before. I didn't want to ruin it."
Fina trailed off, her eyes looked suspiciously wide and watery. She tried to keep from crying by blinking rapidly. Love triangles are always portrayed as being glamorous, but in real life, they aren't. In the end, one person wins and another loses, one becomes the enemy and the other the hero. I can't see Fina like that, though. That's what makes it so hard. No matter how angry I am at Vyse and at her, I can't bring myself to hate either of them. It would be so much easier if Fina were horrid, or cruel, or stuck up, but she's not. She's quite possibly the sweetest girl I know and she's the epitome of a best friend for me and Vyse, always there supporting us, giving us courage and strength.
I can't hate Vyse either. I know him like I know the winds, not that I can predict or read everything he feels like he's a book, but I can understand where he is coming from because I understand him. How can you ever hate someone that's been your best friend since before you can even remember? Every memory I have, Vyse is a part of it. Hating him would be like hating a key piece of me.
"I know Fina. I don't want to ruin it, either. You love him, though, don't you?"
Fina hid her face behind her hands. When Vyse moved to comfort her, she backed hurriedly away.
"It's okay if you do," I added.
Fina nodded quickly. "I tried not to, I know it's not right, I know you love him and I want him to love you, but I can't stop.."
Fina started furiously scrubbing at her face, tried to stop the tears that were falling. I wanted so badly then to go and give her a hug like old times, tell her everything was alright like she'd always done for me. But this wasn't old times anymore, by kissing Vyse, she'd changed all that. Or maybe I'd changed all that by loving him.
This was getting ridiculous. Suddenly, I just wanted the whole thing to be over with. You know when everyone's mouth just seems to be moving in endless motion, like a fish's, and all you are aware of is how totally silly it all is? Yeah, that's what the situation seemed like. It seemed fate had heard my complaints of boredom earlier that night and decided to pluck me in the middle of some strange alternate universe.
Ever since I was born with red hair, I never doubted that fate had a sadist side. I spat in fate's face too much for me to actually be a believer in it. History is what happens when no one is prepared for it. I like people who go for what they want in life. You want to be a belly dancer? Great. You want to be a belly dancer and you're a guy? Okay, admittedly a little weird, but still great.
That was what attracted me to Vyse in the first place when we were kids. Not the wanting to be a belly dancer, I mean, the determination he had. The kid couldn't even fly a paper airplane, and yet he was so set on being a captain. We always used to sneak on his dad's ship and mess with the controls.
This is why Vyse confusion irritated me. It just wasn't like him. I knew what I wanted, and so did Fina, but Vyse couldn't even begin to state what he felt.
"Vyse, you have got to chose. How hard can it be to make one decision? Can't you just make up your mind? Close your eyes, spin around, and see who you end up pointing at. I don't care how. Just chose!"
"I can't!"
"Why not?!"
"Because if I end up choosing one, I end up losing the other. You of all people should know that I value my friends more than that, Aika."
Using our friendship for an excuse didn't work. You couldn't make love go away just because you wished it to for the sake of friendship. I know that now and I knew it then, that Vyse was trying to blind himself to whatever he felt, and though he said it was for me and Fina, it was just as much for his sake.
"And WHAT? You think that by not deciding, you save our friendship? You think I am just going to forget you and Fina and go around with a smile on my face? You think Fina's going to do that?" I demanded.
"I risked it," Fina's voice started out tentative and then got louder and louder until a exclamation marks wouldn't have done it justice. I was shocked to her Fina yelling. It was like bunny growing seven inch razor fangs. "I risked it because you asked me too, and because I love you, but now-I shouldn't have ever let you kiss me. Ever. I thought you felt the same, and I'm sorry I was mistaken. If you didn't feel the same, I guess I was just embarrassing myself."
"Fina, please, just listen. And you too, Aika. I love you, Fina, but-"
"-but?" I echoed moronically.
"-but Aika, I love you as well."
I threw up my hands. "Well, so much for the genius comment of the evening. In case you haven't noticed, Vyse, we"-here, I gestured towards Fina- "aren't twins. Just because we love you doesn't make us the same person. Look, I have got a life and a damn good one, and I don't intend to spend half of it pining around waiting for you to make up your damn mind." The amount of swear words in that sentence alone is more than I would normally use for stubbing my toe. I say them because I am nervous, because for the first time I am thinking of what I want to do, because for the first time I want to do more than just feel.
I jumped off the balcony. Any future hope for my nightdress was ended the minute my feet hit the ground, causing dirt to spiral up around me in a miniature whirlwind. I might as well have been a miniature whirlwind myself. For once, I knew what I was doing, and the people around me didn't. I kissed him, then. It wasn't a particularly nice kiss. Trust me, I could have just as easily kissed my pillow and got the same response. Only thing is, at least my pillow couldn't look at me afterwards like I'd suddenly grown a beard down to my toes.
I wasn't going to let him run away, not yet, not unless he decided to after what I told him. He would have to make his decision one way or the other. I reached out one hand to his cheek, the one with the scar and said, loudly, praying that Fina would understand," I love you."
It was so scary, staring into his eyes. Everything about them was familiar, the color of medium brown, the glimmer that came from pride, and from courage. His eyes were nutmeg and cinnamon, my favorite spices, spices of adventure, of laughter, and of friendship. What scared me was the foreign expression that lurked beyond the familiar components; it was frightening to think there were parts to Vyse I couldn't make sense of. I stood frozen in place like a puppet on strings, waiting for a hand to jerk it one way or the other, or for the hand to leave it all alone to sink to the ground.
Vyse was silent, so I chattered on. "There, I've said it. I've always hinted at it, but I've never actually said it. So now I've said it and you can do with it what you like."
It took him awhile, but then he spoke. "Aika, love isn't the solution. It's more like the problem. I..Aika, don't make it any harder. I don't want to say it and I know you don't really want to hear it."
Vyse couldn't look me in the eye. He couldn't even look me in the eye. The truth was there, and he was trying to save me from it. That's the problem with Vyse, always trying to bloody save everyone, like some dough shaped by a stereotypical hero cookie cutter.
My hand fell like lead from his face. I couldn't move back fast enough. In my haste to get away, I tripped and fell, scraping my knees roughly against the pavement and feeling more and more immature by the minute.
"Aika?" both Fina and Vyse ran to help me up. They hurt me so badly, yet I could not blame them. I had asked for it. I could have gone on not knowing, choosing not to see what they felt, but I had wanted to know, even if it hurt. And I knew. Vyse loved Fina and Fina loved Vyse. It was like a circle that kept going round and round, the words bleeding into one another.
Vyse squeezed my hand on one side, Fina on the other.
"I still do love you, you know," said Vyse.
"As a friend," I added bleakly, feeling like a piece of porcelain that had to be rescued before it shattered to pieces.
Fina frowned. "Don't say it like that, Aika. If I've learned anything from you and Vyse, it's that the word friend isn't something that can just be tossed out. Friendship lasts forever, beyond even love."
"Just because I love you as a friend doesn't mean that I don't love you with all my heart. It's just a different way from how I love Fina."
"Why?"
"Why?" Vyse ventured a hint of a smile. "Because you are different people, that's why."
What that boiled down to, was, Vyse didn't love me because I wasn't Fina. Oh, maybe he didn't mean it that way, but that's the way it ended up sounding to me, what with me being already on the defensive anyway. It didn't shock or upset me, though. I realized then that I could not be Fina in order to make Vyse love me, and I didn't really want to be, either. Besides, if Vyse did love Fina for the way she was, possibly he wasn't the guy I loved anymore. Usually a prime requisite for loving someone is that they love you back. And if Vyse can't love me for how I am they way I love him, well, I would rather he admits that and goes with someone else, then he loves me for something that's not my personality.
Fina put her head on my shoulder. "I don't want to be with him if it hurts you too much."
This was it. Where I was supposed to be the self effacing friend, the one that says oh that's fine, go ahead and walk right over me, just make sure you wipe your feet off in the grass first. My mouth was set to say no, but somehow between looking at her and Vyse, and the concern they had for me, I couldn't do it. They loved each other, and breaking that up wouldn't make me feel any better and it wouldn't make him love me, either. So, yeah, I said yes. Not to mention that I gave Fina a word on why she should never let any tell her what she should or shouldn't do.
They looked so relieved and happy (though they were trying hard not to, for me), it made me smile. Actually, no, it didn't. That's sarcasm again there. They looked so relieved; I felt a sudden urge to puke. Still, what Fina said next put me at ease.
"Thank you, for putting our friendship as a group first. You are a real friend and I want you to know that I, at least, will always try to be just as true a friend to both you and Vyse, no matter what happens."
"What do you mean, 'I, at least?' Look, Aika, I know you aren't going to forgive me for what happens easily, and that we can't just all go back to walking around with smiles pasted on like old times. This has changed our friendship, but I'm not going to let it ruin it, even if you want to give up on it."
I thought of anger, confusion, and love, all the emotions I was experiencing. Could I ever just put them behind me? Forgive maybe, but forget? "I don't know---"
"Then we should make a promise," said Fina. "To always put our friendship first, through all odds."
"I second that."
Fina peered at me. "Well, and how about you? Is that a promise you can agree to?"
I nodded my head, overcome. Don't worry unduly, though, all you readers, (admittedly nonexistent, as I already stated my warning at the beginning of this entry, you would have to be an absolute IDIOT to continue reading) this disturbing mute gesture of appreciation does not led to me becoming a mime at any point in the near future. That is the first and last time I actually chose not to convey myself with words.
What happened during the rest of that night isn't important, except, suffice to say, everyone and their mother heard our little soap opera from earlier. (It was pretty easy to figure out from the many guilty faces gathered around the breakfast table, overeager in pretending not to pay any attention to us, while at the same time listening in a way that suggested they could have heard Vyse scratching his nose from a mile away.) I never knew that so many people cared, or that so many people had so much advice. I have decided that nothing makes people feel more important than to pretend they possess immense knowledge other people don't.
I have never depended fully on anyone except Vyse since my parents died. I had never allowed myself another family. Now in Fina and Vyse's promise, I see support. I might not always need it, but it is there just the same, just in case I ever fall back, there to catch me. What I was most worried would happen, that Fina would take my place in Vyse's eyes and that she would suddenly come to know him better than I did, never came to pass. I decided my fears were unfounded when I realized that Fina may know sides of Vyse I don't, but that certainly doesn't mean she knows him better. (I should add, if I do say so myself, she definitely does not. Why, just the other day, she didn't even know where Vyse's ticklish spot was, when it's soo obvious that it's..
Oh yeah, like you think I'd write something as important as that down? HAH!)
Don't think I'm going to just buck up and pretend nothing ever happened, though. I can't forget what happened, and after writing this entry, diary, I really don't want to. It's made me part of who I am.
Yes, I loved him, and yes, I didn't know if I will ever stop, but there was comfort beyond the pain. The comfort that, even though Vyse loved Fina, she would not take the place of me, that maybe there was hope for our friendship. After all, when things break, they get mended so they're stronger than they were in the beginning. I'm not friends with Vyse and Fina yet like I used to be, it's still difficult to be so soon, but Vyse and Fina make an effort to say friends with me.
After all, as we always say, friendship comes first.
Fine