Mending Broken Souls
By Morganperidot
1.
Avery was writing again. When it got dark and the house was quiet, he would take out a notebook and write music and lyrics. It wasn't a song as much as a way to make the aching stop, or at least quiet down, for a little while.
He hadn't slept well in weeks, not since Juliette's implosion, the divorce, and her entry into rehab. Legally and physically she was out of his and Cadence's lives completely. But the memory of her – of them – never left him. It filled his mind and his heart with such terrible sadness that he might have been too crippled to function if it weren't for Cadence. He knew that for her he had to keep it together and keep going.
After the failure of his short-lived producing gig with Markus Kane for Highway 65, Avery had set aside the idea of producing for the immediate future. In his current condition, the potential for him guide anyone on developing their sound was nonexistent. So he returned to being a bar-back at The Bluebird Cafe, where he could just do work and not have to think. The Bluebird Cafe was haunted with Juliette too, but he could make it through that for Cadence. He could do anything for her.
Avery couldn't do much for himself though. He had tried therapy, but trying to talk about it – about her – just made him feel worse. He didn't want to recount and explain their relationship, because none of it made any sense to anyone but him, and that just made him want to go back to her despite the fact that the bridge back there was nothing but ashes.
Avery told Cadence it would just take some time for everything to be OK, but he didn't really believe that. He had given more than just his heart to Juliette; he had committed his soul to her. And now that part of him was just…broken.
Avery shut the notebook he was writing in, and was about to put it away, when he looked down at it again. Earlier that day Gunnar had asked Avery if he thought he would ever perform again. Avery had told him the truth: He didn't know. He had no desire to; he hadn't even picked up a guitar in over a month. But if he was writing a song there was the possibility that he might perform it – if it were even anything worth considering performing.
He sat down on the bed again and opened the notebook cover. The music had come first, and as he scanned the notes, he heard it play in his mind, smooth and slow, but powerful; it had some urgency to it. While the music flowed, the lyrics he had written for it came to him. His lips moved without sound; he didn't want his voice around the words as, eyes closed, the imagery of them formed in his mind. The song was about Juliette, for her; of course it was. Avery felt the backs of his eyes sting with fresh tears. He opened his eyes and threw the notebook across the room. He stared at it there as the tears rolled down his cheeks. He could see himself going to it, kneeling on the floor, and tearing out the pages before tearing them up. He almost did it; he could feel the muscles in his legs tensing. But then he saw how his hands were shaking, and he didn't move.
I have to see her, Avery thought, and was immediately shocked by the brazen betrayal of his own mind. He shook his head at himself, told himself that couldn't happen; it wouldn't be a good thing for either them. But that thought had already set its claws in the soft tissue of his brain, and it wasn't letting go. "No," he whispered aloud, and he shuddered. He had to let her get better, and he had to leave her behind him. He could not see her, talk to her, touch her, let her touch him. "No," he said again. He retrieved the notebook, thoughts of its destruction banished, and put it away. He checked on Cadence and then lay down on his bed, eyes open, looking at the ceiling.
He would call there in the morning. Avery knew he would. Even if it destroyed whatever pockets of peace he had managed to accrue in the corners of his mind, he would call there and find out if he could see her.
2.
Juliette wasn't thrilled with the accommodations at the rehab facility. She had her own room, thank God, but it wasn't at all the kind of luxury suite she was used to away from home. It had a bed, a dresser, a closet, and a closet-sized bathroom, all in shades of beige. She missed her house, but thinking of being there without Avery just made her feel empty. He was gone, and this time he wasn't going to come back…ever. He had finally learned that Juliette Barnes was too damaged even for him. As much as they had loved each other, they hadn't been able to make it work. Juliette still loved him, but she knew that didn't matter anymore. There was no longer anything between him, not even the child she had chosen to given birth to because it was his, the child with whom she had legally cut all ties the same as she had with Avery.
I miss you both, Juliette thought, knowing how pointless that was. She was around people all the time in that place, but she had never felt so lonely in her life. Avery had been her best friend pretty much since he joined the band as a guitarist, and then he was her boyfriend and then her husband and then he was the father of her child…and now nothing at all, just gone, completely gone, by his choice. And she had given him everything he asked for in the divorce, because what did it matter? She had no desire to fight with him over anything, not even their child. It was just over.
She knew she would go on. She would be Juliette Barnes, country superstar, for as long that lasted, and then she would be whatever came after that. There would be other men – she knew that too; there would be men she slept with and didn't care about. There would always be plenty of those. She would never love any of them; after all, her heart was dead, and her soul was…broken.
The landline phone rang, and Juliette looked at it from where she was sitting in the room's one beige chair, paging through an old gossip magazine. The light for the front desk was lit up on the phone; Juliette sighed and set the magazine aside. Most likely it was something about another therapy appointment. She would ignore it, but they never let anything go. "Juliette," she said.
"Hi, Juliette!" the overly happy receptionist said. "There is someone who wants to visit you!"
Juliette rolled her eyes. Yeah, probably a reporter, she thought. "Who?" she asked.
"An…Avery Barkley," the receptionist said. "The doctor wants to know if…"
"Avery wouldn't come here," Juliette said. "It had to be someone else using his name."
"I'm super sure the doctor confirmed it," the receptionist said.
I'm not, Juliette thought. Then she thought, maybe it would be a good idea to talk to a reporter – let the world know that the newly minted clean and sane Juliette Barnes was on her way back to the spotlight. "OK," Juliette said. "I'll see him."
"Is tomorrow morning OK?" the receptionist asked.
"Yeah, that's great," Juliette said.
"Super!" the receptionist said, in the tone of someone who had just won the big jackpot at a casino. "I'll let you know when he's here."
"Thanks," Juliette said and restrained herself from slamming down the handset of the phone. She wondered if this prick really thought she was dumb enough to believe that Avery would come to see her. She would use the guy to her own ends, but she had no intention of giving him anything more than that.
The next morning Juliette woke early and took her time getting ready to meet with whoever this Avery imposter was. It still burned her that someone would use his name and that the doctor bought it. What the hell kind of place were they running anyway? Juliette knew it was getting to be time that she left. She had no more desire to drink or do drugs. All she wanted was the stage and the audience. All she wanted was Juliette Barnes Superstar.
A small voice in the back of her mind asked: But what if it is Avery? Juliette had a flash of memories of sweet, gorgeous Avery – ending with him handing her his lawyer's card and saying good-bye. That was good-bye forever, she told herself. It isn't him.
Juliette put on full make-up for the first time in a long time and dressed in a teal blouse, body-hugging blue jeans, and her favorite worn cowboy boots. She couldn't do much with her hair other than brush it straight and shiny and pull it back out of the way. She didn't have much in the way of jewelry there, just a gold chain with a diamond pendant…and her wedding ring. She put on the necklace and left the ring in the dresser drawer where it had been since she came to this place.
The phone rang, and Juliette answered it. The cheerful receptionist said, "He's here!"
Juliette rolled her eyes again. Yes, she needed to start the paperwork to get out of here. "Send him up," she said. While she waited she paced the floor and thought more about her story for the reporter. She was looking forward to the look on his face when he realized he hadn't tricked her into believing he was Avery. No one messes with Juliette Barnes, she thought.
There was a knock on the door, and she strode over and pulled it open.
3.
Avery stood in the hallway, holding the notebook with his music and words, and looked at Juliette. She was so beautiful that he couldn't breathe.
"Avery?" Juliette said. He saw surprise and confusion on her face.
Avery took in a breath. "I thought you knew I was coming," he said.
"I thought it was a reporter using your name to…"
"Do you want me to go?" Avery asked, although he wasn't entirely sure he could if she did.
"No," she said softly. "Please don't go." She stepped aside, and he walked inside.
The room was amazingly bland looking. Avery didn't think he had seen so much of one color in one place in his lifetime. "Why is there so much beige?" he asked
"Right?" Juliette said.
Avery looked at her silently for a moment. "You really didn't think it was me?" he said.
"I didn't think I'd ever see you face to face again," Juliette said.
"Neither did I," Avery said. He set the notebook on the bed. "This place is really awful," he said. "I hope the treatment is better." He turned back to face her. "You look good," he said.
"So do you," Juliette said. She was silent for a moment, but he waited for the next part. He needed to hear it. "I've missed you," she said.
"I've missed you, too," Avery said. He walked over to her and put his arms around her; after a brief hesitation she completed the embrace and pressed him firmly against her. Avery closed his eyes and wished the world away. He felt free of pain for the first time in a long, long time.
The room was silent for nearly a minute as they held onto each other. Finally Juliette whispered, "Thank you."
Avery moved back a bit and saw that her eyes were filled with tears. "I'm sorry," he said. "If…"
"Close the door," Juliette said. Avery pushed it closed. "Why did you come?" she asked.
Avery couldn't get the machinery in his brain to work, so instead of answering he put his hands on her waist and kissed her cheek softly. His whole body was aching again, but he moved back. "I couldn't get you out of me," he said. "You were everywhere."
Tears slid out of Juliette's eyes. "I didn't want you to keep hurting," she said. "I gave you what you asked for, for you and for Cadence. Why didn't you let go?"
"I can't," Avery said. "You're in my cells." He wiped some of her tears away with his fingertips, and then, with his palm against her cheek he brought his lips to hers, and she responded to his kiss by pulling him in deeper. But shortly after that he felt her hands on his chest pushing him away.
"Is this why you came here?" Juliette asked.
"This?" Avery said, his mind in a soft, warm fog.
"We've never had a problem with the physical…"
Avery took an unsteady step back. "Physical?" he said. "Do you think I came here for sex?"
"I'm not saying that's a bad thing," Juliette said.
"No, you're saying I'm a shallow ass," Avery said. "How really screwed up am I, how awful a person, that I would go to a treatment facility just to sleep with you?" Juliette stared at him and didn't respond. "This was a mistake," Avery said. He walked over to the bed and picked up the notebook. "I came here because I wrote you a song," he said. "But I see now that…"
"What?" Juliette said.
"I should go," Avery said. He headed to the door.
Juliette crossed in front of him. "What song?" she said.
"It's nothing," Avery said.
"It's not nothing," Juliette said. "You said you wrote me a song. You brought it here, so let me see it."
"It was a mistake," Avery said. "This was all a mistake. I got turned around, and I forgot…"
Juliette grabbed the notebook out of his hand and walked away. Avery just stood there and watched as she paged past the music notations to the lyrics. When she started to read them he went over and sat on the one ugly beige chair, which was surprisingly comfortable, and closed his eyes. He wanted to fall asleep and wake up a couple of years ago, but with the knowledge of where not to go wrong.
Juliette said. "You wrote this for me?"
Avery opened his eyes. "You don't have to take it," he said. "I just started writing and…that happened. When I read it I thought it was for you."
"I…"
"You can throw it away if you want," Avery said. "I don't care."
"Right," Juliette said. "Like I would ever throw away a song you wrote." When he didn't respond she sighed. "Look, I'm sorry about before. I just…I don't know. I misjudged things. But I never thought you would be back like this."
"Like what?" Avery asked.
"Like…us," Juliette said. "I thought the divorce was it for us."
"So did I," Avery said.
"Then why wasn't it?" Juliette said. "Relationships end, especially bad, hurtful ones. You left; you ended it. So, why isn't it over?"
"Because I can't stop…feeling it," Avery said.
"But you want to," Juliette said. Avery didn't respond. "Just say it."
Avery thought deep down, past the pain and the need. He knew he could be alone, with Cadence, and he knew Juliette could be alone. Life would go on, and he would be…whatever came next. He didn't have to be part of this, part of her. He could be something else – something after. There was that big, emptiness out there just waiting to swallow him up. "I want you to do the song," he said.
"That…"
"And I want to be in the band," Avery said, warming to it. "Lead guitar."
"But…"
"Cadence will be with me on the road," Avery said.
"Avery…"
"And one other thing," Avery said. "I don't want to be referred to as 'the ex-husband'."
Juliette leaned against the wall. "What does all this mean?" she asked.
"All this means I don't want what I'm feeling to stop," Avery said. "If I can be with you, I don't want it to stop."
"How is that possible?" Juliette asked.
"I love you," Avery said. "Despite all of the incredible flaming BS, I do."
Juliette smiled. "Not all of that has been from me," she said.
"I know," Avery said.
Juliette walked over to him, and he stood up. "You know I've always loved you, right?" she said.
"I had my suspicions," Avery said.
Juliette slid her arms around him. "I agree to your demands," she said.
Avery laughed. "Is that what they were?" he said. Juliette brought her lips to his, and they kissed softly and deeply. Avery broke it off. "I have to go," he said.
"Play me the song," Juliette said.
"When you come home," Avery said, picking up the notebook.
"Do we have a home?" Juliette asked.
Avery was silent for a moment. Then he said, "We'll work on that."
"OK," Juliette said.
Avery pulled the door open. "Take care of yourself," he said.
"Thank you for coming," Juliette said. "And for the song, our song." He stood in the doorway a moment longer, and Juliette walked over to him. A moment later they were wrapped up together in another tight embrace. After far too short a time, Avery stepped back, smiled, and silently walked away.