So, I'm sure you guys have noticed after reading my stories- I'm not a huge fan of angst. Most of my stories don't have much of it and whenever they do, it doesn't last long. I don't know, it's just not really my thing. I don't feel like I write it very well and to be honest, I just like happy McSwarek stories.
BUT I've been getting a good amount of reviews requesting some angst, so I decided to give it a shot and this story was born….
Hopefully it doesn't suck lol.
Fair warning, while this story does have angst, it's still just angst according to my standards, so don't expect anything too crazy. Also, this story won't be as long as mine typically are. So far, I've written five chapters and I'm planning for maybe three more, but we'll see. Maybe I'll end up adding a couple more if inspiration strikes.
Oh and if anyone has a better idea for a title, I'm all ears
Anyway, hope you like it!
=========Expecting=========
Every morning it's the same.
Every morning, she wakes up and for a moment, she forgets. She forgets her reality. She forgets what her life has become recently. The overwhelming mixture of anxiety and sadness and stress that completely consumes every minute of her day.
And then she remembers.
She remembers everything that's happened. She remembers everything that's going to happen. She remembers what she has to do. And she tells herself that today is the day. Today she will do it.
But she's said that same thing each and every day since she found out. And yet, she still hasn't done it.
And then she thinks about how she'll do it. She thinks about where she will do it and the actual words she'll use. And then she thinks about how he'll react. She thinks about the look he'll have on his face and the words that he'll use. And she wonders if he'll be angry or if he'll blame her or maybe he'll just try to fix everything. Or maybe he'll be absolutely wonderful and understanding and… perfect.
She isn't sure which would be worse.
And that's about the time that she starts to really freak out.
And after about five minutes of hyperventilating, she dashes to the bathroom to throw up. Repeatedly.
And then she brushes her teeth, takes a shower, tries to keep a few pieces of toast down and heads to work.
It's become a ritual these past few days. Every single morning she comes to the station and throws up. It's so much like clockwork to the point that she would laugh if she actually could laugh anymore. Usually she's able to sneak away to the bathroom and vomit in private, but not today. Nope. Today she's running a few minutes late, so the garbage can right outside the door will have to do.
And at first, she thinks the coast is clear and nobody will see her, but then when she lifts her head, she sees him. Of course.
There he is, walking towards her with this concerned look on his face, obviously wondering what the hell is wrong with her. And she really just wants to go run and hide because she's seriously not ready to do this yet. She just needs a few more days to wrap her head around all of this before she can even try to talk to him about it. But no, he's coming right for her and he's obviously seen her and he's going to ask her if she's okay and how is she supposed to lie to him? She's a terrible liar, especially when she tries to lie to him. Somehow he just always knows. No matter how convincing she thinks she is, no matter how many other people she can fool- he just knows. He always has.
So yeah, she's going to have to do this. Today is the day. She's going to do it.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asks, the concern evident in his voice.
Okay. No. She can't do this. Not yet.
"I'm fine," she barks. She figures that maybe he'll just go away if she acts angry. Not that she really has to act. She is angry. She's pissed… She's devastated.
"You want some gum?" He offers, pulling a piece out of the pack that was in his pocket, seemingly unfazed by her attitude.
"Sam, I told you. It's not your job to take care of me anymore," she reminds him, still not letting go of that attitude. She really just wants him to leave her alone.
He lets out a sigh. "Andy, it's just gum," he tells her. And that look on his face- she almost feels guilty for snapping at him. Almost.
"I'm fine, I'll just go brush my teeth," she declines with a wave of her hand.
"You're keeping a toothbrush at work now?" He asks, curiously.
"Um…" She begins as she swears under her breath. Yeah, she's been keeping a toothbrush at work ever since the first time she barfed while on duty.
"Andy?" He asks, trying to catch her eyes. She meets his gaze and she can see the immense amounts of worry in his eyes. She knows that the way she's acting is freaking him out. She is never one to be discreet with her feelings. And he just knows her too well.
Yeah, she has to do this now. Today is the day.
She briefly looks at her watch and then she grabs his arm and starts pulling him away from the door.
"What are you doing?" He asks, but she doesn't answer. She just pulls him all the way back to his truck and then stops to look at him.
"Actually, I think I'll take that gum," she says, holding her hand out.
He stares at her for a minute, completely confused by everything that's happening, but he eventually pulls out a piece of gum and hands it to her. She carefully unwraps it, pops it in her mouth and chews on it for a minute before speaking up.
"Can we talk? In there?" She asks, pointing to the truck.
"Uh… sure," he shrugs as he continues to eye her with an expression full of confusion and worry. He unlocks the truck and opens the passenger door for her before watching her hop in. Then, he goes to the driver's side and gets in himself.
"So…" he says, when she doesn't say anything.
She takes a deep breath and looks up at him. This whole thing is so completely weird and she has no idea how to even begin.
"Sam, there's um…. there's something I need to tell you. I've been trying to figure out a way to tell you for about a week now and I just… well, I don't really think there is ever a good time to say something like this so uh…" she rambles.
"Andy, what is it?" He asks, sounding impatient. Now he's seriously worried. "Are you okay?"
She takes another deep breath and closes her eyes for a moment, attempting to mentally prepare herself for what she's about to say. "I'm pregnant," she blurts out before she slowly opens her eyes again.
"What? You're…" He begins, completely bewildered. Yeah, she's pretty sure that was the absolute last thing he was expecting to come out of her mouth.
"Yeah," she nods. "And before you ask, I haven't been with anyone else."
"I wasn't going to ask that!" He exclaims. The thought alone makes him absolutely sick. Yeah, he definitely wasn't going to ask her that.
"Okay…. Look, you should know that I'm… that I'm keeping it, but I… I don't expect anything from you, I just… well, you're the father and you have the right to know, but like I said, I don't expect anything. You don't have to be involved," she assures him.
"Wow… that's… that's really what you think of me? That I would just let you do this by yourself?" He asks, in complete shock and more than a little insulted.
"I don't know. I'm just giving you an out," she shrugs.
"Andy, I don't want an out," he tells her, adamantly.
She gives him a look and he knows what she's thinking. That if he doesn't want an out than why aren't they still together?
"I don't, okay? I'm here. Whatever you need. I want to be involved… in all of it… everything. I'm not letting you do this by yourself," he assures her by putting a hand on her knee and giving it a little squeeze. When she looks down at his fingers squeezing her leg, he realizes that maybe it wasn't the comforting gesture he intended and quickly pulls away.
"Okay uh… well, we need to get to parade, but we should probably talk about how this is going to work," she says, gesturing between the two of them.
He nods. "You wanna come over after shift? We can eat dinner and talk," he offers.
"Um. Fine. Sure," she decides.
"Okay. Meet me at the truck tonight?" He requests.
"Okay. Yeah," she says as she reaches for the door handle.
"Andy," he says, grabbing her arm to stop her.
"Hm?"
"It's going to be okay," he tells her with what he hopes is a reassuring smile.
She laughs. "Yeah, I'm pregnant with my ex-boyfriend's baby, but yeah sure, everything is going to be just wonderful," she says with an obviously fake smile and condescending tone.
Ex-boyfriend. He cringes at the word and for the millionth time in the past three weeks he chastises himself for being such an idiot. Letting her go was the stupidest thing he ever did and as much as he tries, he can't even begin to remember why he thought it was the right thing to do in the first place.
"Andy, I'm… I'm sorry," he tells her.
"Sam, it's fine. You don't have to be sorry. It's just that… I'm finally starting to accept the fact that you just don't want to be with me and then of course, the universe has to go and play a cruel joke on me and knock me up. I mean, seriously, this kind of thing would only happen to me," she says, shaking her head.
He opens his mouth to say something, but she holds her hand up to stop him. "Sam, it's fine. We'll talk tonight. I'm fine," she says before getting out of his truck and speed walking to the station.
Sam just sits there for a second, trying to digest what the hell just happened. Andy is pregnant. Andy is pregnant with his kid. He's going to be a father. And the mother of his child, the woman he loves more than anything- hates him. God, he is such an idiot.
=========Expecting=========
"Hey… You okay?" Traci asks when she sees the look on Andy's face. Andy looks around the locker room and seems satisfied that it's empty.
"I told Sam," she confesses.
"Wow. What did he say?" Traci asks.
"That he wants to be involved," Andy replies.
"I told you he would step up," Traci says.
"I know… I just… I guess a part of me was hoping that he wouldn't want to be involved," she admits. "I know that makes me absolutely horrible and selfish and… surprise, I'm already the worst mother on the planet," she sighs. "I just… how am I supposed to be do this? With him? I still love him, Trace. I still think about him all the time. I still miss him. And now? How am I supposed to get over him if he's going to be there all the time?" Andy asks.
"I don't know, Andy, but you know I'm here for you," Traci offers, before pulling her into a hug. "I know it seems impossible now, but you'll figure it out."
=========Expecting=========
For the rest of the day, Sam is completely in his own world. His mind just won't turn off. He can't stop thinking about his conversation with Andy this morning and how everything in their lives is about to change. He thinks about how they're going to do this and what the next few months will look like. He thinks about life beyond that and what their kid will be like, what kind of father he'll be and what kind of mother Andy will be.
He's spent a good portion of the day absolutely freaking out, but there's also this small part of him that is… happy? Really happy, actually.
He knows it's crazy. They obviously didn't plan this and Andy is seriously less than thrilled. He knows it's going to be complicated and difficult, but a small part of him is kind of excited to be a father. And a part of him wonders if maybe this could be his second chance.
It's been three weeks since he left her in that parking lot and for the past two, he's been chastising himself for being so stupid. He's still grieving, of course, but each day it becomes a little easier. And with that, he only misses her more. Now that he's not so unbearably overcome with grief, he can think a little more clearly and he knows he made a mistake.
Every morning, he wakes up and for a moment, he expects her to be sleeping right beside him. But she isn't. And that's when he remembers what a fool he's been.
And all he wants to do is run to her house, beg her to forgive him and ask if they can just start over, but he doesn't. She's just so mad at him and he doesn't even know how to explain. And that's when he tells himself that she deserves so much better than him, so he talks himself out of it and goes on with his day.
But now everything has changed. She's pregnant with his kid, so they will always be in each other's lives. And the thought of being connected to her forever is something he seriously wants.
And that's when he tries to tell himself that maybe someday, he'll actually be able to make it up to her and gain back her trust. Maybe someday, she'll forgive him and they can start over.
And if they can't- well then, at least she'll be in his life. That'll have to be enough.
=========Expecting=========
"Look, I know this is uh… complicated, but I meant what I said this morning," he begins as they sit down at her kitchen counter to eat dinner. "I'm here for you, okay? Whatever you need. Anything you need. I'm here," he tells her with what he hopes is a reassuring smile.
"Okay," she says with a nod.
He frowns at the tone of her voice. He knows she's not saying something. "What is it?" He asks.
She looks up at him and takes a deep breath. "Listen, I really appreciate you saying that you'll be here, but I just…"
"What?"
"I don't know… I just… I know you feel guilty about hurting me and-"
"Andy, I'm hurt, too, you know," he interjects. "Do you think this is what I wanted?" He asks, gesturing between the two of them. "This is the last thing I wanted…. All I wanted was to be with you. I really just wanted us to work," he tells her.
She snorts at that. "Seriously? You wanted us to work? Sam, you barely gave us a chance," she accuses.
"What?" He asks, completely taken back by her words.
"Almost every morning, you were out the door with some ridiculous excuse. And do you realize that I still barely know anything about you? I mean, you refused to talk to me or open up about pretty much anything. You never fully let me into your life. And then… then you bolted the second things got real… I thought… I thought you were showing me how you felt with your actions. I kept telling myself that you holding my hand at the station or going to my dad's on his birthday or holding me when I had a nightmare meant that you loved me, but now I know that I was just kidding myself," she tells him.
"Andy…"
"No Sam, it's fine. It's better that you ended it before things went any further with us. It was just… it was probably never going to work. Now, we just need to figure out a way to… I don't know… I guess be friends and raise this kid together," she says with a hand on her stomach.
There's so much he wants to say to her, but his mouth isn't behaving. He wants to tell her that he does love her, that he's loved her for longer than he'd ever care to admit. He wants to tell her how much he misses her, how he never stops thinking about her. He wants to tell her that he made a huge mistake. But he doesn't.
"Yeah, okay," is all he can say.
=========Expecting=========
The second he leaves her place, his brain is screaming at him.
God, he is such an idiot.
Everything she said tonight was the truth. He did all of those things. He ran out on her in the morning. He kept her at arm's length. He never told her how he felt.
He really thought he was trying. God knows he tried harder with her than he ever had with any other relationship, but it still wasn't enough. She deserved so much more from him, but honestly- he was just terrified.
After everything that happened between them and all of the times she'd run from him before, he was still half convinced that one day she'd wake up and change her mind. And so yeah, he may have just been preparing himself for that and in turn, he's the one that ruined everything between them.
That's when he thinks that maybe he can just be better. Maybe he can be the man that she deserves to be with. Maybe he can fix himself. For her and their baby.
So, he tells himself that he's going to do everything he can for her. He's going to be there every single step of the way throughout this pregnancy and beyond. He's going to be the best father he can be and he's going to show her that he'll do whatever it takes to make it all work. He's going to change. He's going to be more open with her. He's going to let her in. He's going to stop being so completely terrified of his feelings for her.
Because, seriously- what does he have to lose?
=========Expecting=========
Well, there is chapter one. Please let me know what you think!
And as always, definitely don't hesitate to give me ideas and suggestions for what you'd like to see happen. I always love to hear what everyone thinks.
And of course, if you have a better idea for a title, PLEASE let me know!