I don't any of the characters, only the dorky storyline of this fic.
"I'm going to kill you," Iwaizumi declared, crossing his arms across his chest and leaning back into the plastic chair he is currently occupying outside of the mall manager's office.
"You always say that, Iwa-chan. And that's if the manager doesn't kill us first," Oikawa responds.
"Or our parents," Iwaizumi added solemnly.
"True."
Oikawa stared at the checkered floor in between his legs for a second before looking up with a look of realization and a sharp intake of breath. "But it's not everyday you can say you got arrested as Santa, right?" he added cheerfully, nudging Iwaizumi's elbow with his own and glancing at him.
"Stop talking right now before I hit you so hard your elf ears fall off." Iwaizumi didn't even turn to look at him. He merely craned his head back and stared at the speckled ceiling tiles instead.
"M'kay, Hajime," and with that Oikawa resumed staring at the floor.
I only came to the mall to buy presents and now I'm sitting outside of the mall manager's office in a Santa suit, Iwaizumi thought to himself. I hate the mall, I hate Christmas, and I definitely hate Oikawa Tooru.
Iwaizumi Hajime hates the mall. He also hates Christmas at the mall, but not Christmas in general. He actually liked Christmas. He likes the lights and decorations, but not the overly tacky ones like Oikawa does. He likes simple. He also likes giving gifts to people that he likes. However, he doesn't like feeling obligated to give presents to people that he has no clue what to get them. Iwaizumi always worries about whether or not the person will like it, or whether they will think he put too much thought into it, or not enough, and all of this kind of sucked the joy out of gift giving for him. Oikawa knows that - I mean, they have known each other since they were kids.
He was even there when they were fifth years in elementary and Iwaizumi drew his crush in Secret Santa. He thought it would be nice to get the girl something she would like and he overheard her talking about how much she loved flowers, especially tulips. Instead of cute, she found it creepy when he told her about how he overheard her talking with her friends about flowers and made her a pendant with a pressed yellow tulip. She had turned up her nose at the gift and declared she wished she had gotten a cute teddy bear like all the other girls. Eleven year old Iwaizumi was just as crushed the flower in the necklace. That had pretty much ruined Iwaizumi for Secret Santa.
You would think that someone you've known for entirely too long would remember that you don't do tacky Christmas stuff, let alone stuff that involves gifts for random people? That's exactly why their team was doing a Secret Santa exchange, per the captain's orders.
Iwaizumi grumbled to himself as he weaved through the crowd surging through the mall and arrives at the central courtyard. He hadn't been to the mall in so long that he had come in the wrong entrance and was at the opposite side of the building from the store he wanted. He just wanted to go, get this damn present, and leave because he was sick and tired of being hit with shopping bags and elbows.
Iwaizumi saw a mass of people in a line jutting out into the flow of traffic and followed the progression of people forward only to spot another reason why he hates the mall at Christmastime – the Santa Village. The Santa Village, just like Secret Santa, did not yield good memories. The Santa Village incident was again something that Oikawa was there for. In fact, he was the reason it happened at all.
Oikawa was the one who convinced their moms to take them, or more take Oikawa and drag Iwaizumi, to the mall to sit in Santa's laps and pose for pictures. After standing for several hours in the world's longest line, Iwaizumi had to stand even longer while Oikawa rattled of his list of requests. He then watched his friend put Tyra Banks to shame in a damn mall photo. Then it was his turn to say he wouldn't mind a DS and blink when the flash shuttered. The alligator tears had only started when Iwaizumi suggested maybe not so subtly that Oikawa was acting like a spoiled brat. Then Iwaizumi was admonished by both his mother and one of the elves on duty that what he said wasn't in the spirit of Christmas and Oikawa was awarded a candy cane. He had wanted to argue that neither was being greedy and throwing a fit for attention but he kept his mouth shut. He would smack him for that later.
That scene played out year after year, until one year Iwaizumi finally snapped when Oikawa disappeared as they were standing in line. He had finally given up the idea that pictures with Santa were worth anything but his mom had insisted upon bringing them years after. Oikawa's solution to his boredom at standing in line was to simply leave and go talk to a group of girls at the frozen yogurt shop around the corner. Of course, instead of letting anyone know where he was going, he just wandered off and only had a missing child alert out for him for 20 minutes. And yet, he was only told off while Iwaizumi was grounded for the week because he hit Oikawa upside the head when they found him.
Okay, so maybe I'm a little bitter, Iwaizumi thought. He shook his head and cleared the memory. He started to dogleg around the Village in the center of the courtyard and continue on his way when he heard something that stopped him in his tracks. Oh please no, he prayed to himself. Not today, not right now.
"Iwa-chan! Iwa-chan, c'mere!" Iwaizumi rolled his eyes but didn't turn around.
"I know you can hear me, Iwa-chan, because you stopped walking." Iwaizumi turned to face the increasingly loud Oikawa running towards him.
"What the hell are you wearing?"
"It's an elf costume, duh."
"It's an atrocity is what it is."
Oikawa was now standing in front of him wearing tomato red pants, an evergreen jacket, and a green and red striped cone-shaped hat. As if that was horrifying enough, he had elf ears covering his actual ones and when Iwaizumi looked down, he noticed he had on shoes with curly toes. It took Iwaizumi a minute to process the visual assault and he stared at Oikawa, who was standing there wearing an ear-to-ear grin, before responding with, "Why?"
"Oh, didn't I tell you?" Oikawa waved his hand at Iwaizumi, who was shaking his head no. "The volleyball club I volunteer at was helping out with this and I decided I would help too. It's for the children, Iwa-chan!"
"Since when have you cared about children?" Iwaizumi retorted.
Oikawa looked offended. "I'm hurt, Iwa-chan. I do care about other people, just not you." Iwaizumi glared at him and Oikawa followed with a quick, "Just kidding, just kidding."
"Besides," Oikawa continued, "doesn't this costume look cool?" He struck a pose in the absurd costume and looked at Iwaizumi expectantly.
Iwaizumi arched an eyebrow at him. "Seriously? You want me to answer that?"
"Whatever. Actually, are you busy?"
"No."
"Great! We actually need somebody to help out for just a bit and you-"
"I meant no to whatever you are suggesting."
"Oh come on, Iwa-chan. It's for the children. Don't be such a Grinch, Hajime," Oikawa pleaded.
"I'm still saying no to whatever it is," Iwaizumi reaffirmed.
"I'm going to start calling you Bah Humbug Hajime! Or maybe Iwanezer Scrooge !" Oikawa had a look of pure concentration on his face as he tried to think up of more awful 'Iwaizumi hates Christmas' themed names.
"Okay, okay, whatever it is I'll do it, just as long as you stop with the stupid names."
"Oh, Iwa-chan, it's like your heart just grew three times bigger!" Oikawa gave him a shit-eating grin and Iwaizumi just sighed and resigned himself to his fate.
"I don't actually hate Christmas, you know," Iwaizumi mumbled to no one in particular as Oikawa happily dragged him towards the Santa Village.
"No way in hell, Asskawa."
"It's for the children, Iwa-chan. Think of the children!"
"No. Absolutely not. Never in a million years. Not a chance. I don't care how much you beg and plead, I'm not doing it."
"Hajime, please~" Oikawa whined, directing his best puppy-dog eyes at Iwaizumi.
"You really think that's going to work on me?"
Damn.
"One, it itches. Two, I'm seventeen, not seventy-five. And, three – Oikawa Tooru, if you take a god damn picture I will kill you here and now. Delete it!"
"Oops. Too late, it's already on Twitter and Instagram. You're good though, 12 people have already liked it!" Oikawa fluttered his eyelashes like he hadn't just condemned Iwaizumi's social life.
"How am I supposed to explain to everyone at school why I'm wearing a Santa suit with a pillow stuffed down the front at the mall to go hold small children on my lap?"
Oikawa just shrugged and laughed at the scowling Iwaizumi, who looked ridiculous in the costume. The cherry red suit was far too large for him, considering he was a fit teenager and not an overweight elderly man. The pillow wrapped around his front made his stomach appear lumpy and uncomfortable rather than likely to shake like a bowl full of jelly. The snow white beard that was stuck on his face clashed with his dark hair and didn't look natural at all and to top it all, the hat made his ears itch to no end. Overall, Iwaizumi looked very little like the Santa Claus he was supposed to be and mostly just like the angry teen that he was.
Oikawa grabbed his shoulders and directed him out from the backstage area behind the Santa Village and out in front of the crowd gathered for pictures with Santa. He pushed the reluctant Iwaizumi towards the gaudy red velvet and gold chair more suited for a position as a throne and forced him down into the seat.
"Remember to smile and be nice. Just think, you'll be done in two hours. They'll fly by!" Oikawa whispered to Iwaizumi before running off to deal with customers.
Two fucking hours? You've got to be shitting me. Iwaizumi looked at the line that snaked its way through the rope stanchions in the mall courtyard and seemed to continue on forever. Come on, Hajime, you can do this. Just channel every ounce of Christmas spirit you've got.
Iwaizumi quickly realized he had almost no Christmas spirit to channel, or at least, not enough to be able to deal with bratty children and impatient parents. After struggling through an hour and a half of listening to the millionth request for a pony he had heard that day, Iwaizumi thought he was almost in the clear.
While Iwaizumi, posed for pictures and subtly tried to readjust the beard that was slipping from his face almost every other child, Oikawa had been rushing back and forth from the front of the line to the stage of sorts where Iwaizumi sat. His job was to usher the children to "Santa" from the line and then guide them along with their parents to the photo desk to receive their pictures and proceed along to some other part of the mall. He had apparently been doing this long enough throughout the day to be able to recognize possible problem children and signal Iwaizumi a warning.
Previously, this had been a grimace as he was walking the kid up to him or a slight nudge as he introduced the kid to Santa. This time, however, as Oikawa escorted three siblings to Iwaizumi, there was a look of sheer panic on his face. "If you'll excuse me for a moment guys, this elf just has to talk to Santa about a little something," he quickly reassured the three before rushing to Iwaizumi's side.
"Their mother has just informed me that the youngest one is terrified of being out in public and being around strangers, but she refused to accompany him for this because she claims, "he needs to learn to do things himself one day." I'm just suggesting you maybe brace yourself for a nuclear meltdown from him." Oikawa whispered rapidly in Iwaizumi's ear, smiling the whole time.
Iwaizumi responded with a hearty ho ho ho and quickly glanced at the boy in question, who was currently fixing the ground with a wide-eyed blank stare. He looked at Oikawa and hoped that he would understand the panic mixed with a tinge of fear in his eyes. How the hell am I supposed to deal with a panicking kid? Oikawa started to skip away to return to the kids and bring them up one at a time when he stopped and turned around.
"Oh, and she said the girl sometimes bites." Perfect.
The first child to go, the oldest, who was boy around 6 or 7 years-old, was an absolute angel. He sat quietly on Iwaizumi's lap and simply requested a new bike and for his family to be happy. He was perfectly still for his individual photo and then quietly back to wait for his two siblings' turns. The girl was not as much trouble as she was made out to be. She only punched Iwaizumi in the chest but he hardly felt it considering the massive pillow in the way. After that, though, she was as well behaved as her brother, who seemed to be the same age as her. Then came the moment of truth…
The youngest child of that family was about 4 years old and was glancing all around as Oikawa gently held his hand to bring him to Iwaizumi. He looked nervous, but no more nervous than some other kids that day. Oikawa had to lift him up and set him in Iwaizumi's lap. Once there he sat quietly. Iwaizumi could barely hear him whisper his requests for presents but could still detect the slight quiver in his voice. He was fine through his individual picture and once that was over, Iwaizumi leaned close to him and whispered, "It's okay to be nervous, but you did a great job!" That brought out a small smile on the boy's face and he just looked at his knees. That wasn't so bad.
All that was left was the group picture and the two older kids came up and stood on either side of Iwaizumi while the youngest stayed on his lap. They smiled and waited for the cameraman to count to three when they heard a loud crash from the food court. Someone had bumped their shopping bags into several trays set on the edge of a table and sent them clattering to the ground. The noise was louder than expected as at least a dozen or so utensils hit the ground amidst the contents of a bag that had ripped. They bounced and rolled across the floor as the trays clattered to a rest on the tile. Iwaizumi jumped slightly and noticed that the three kids had done the same.
They quickly resumed their previous poses for the picture and waited for the cameraman to count to three again when Iwaizumi felt a warmth in his lap that was not previously there and that was quickly met with a damp sensation on his thighs.
"Shit. I mean—sugar cookies?" Iwaizumi clamped his hand over his mouth, trying to cover up the fact that he just cursed in front of the little kids. Oikawa had seen the shock on Iwaizumi's face and come over from the side of the stage to see what was wrong. Just as he came over, the older boy to Iwaizumi's right stated, "Santa Claus just said a bad word."
"Iwa-chan! I mean- Santa! You know better than to use silly words like that!" Oikawa admonished, still oblivious to the situation at hand, or rather, lap.
"I'm sorry, we've just had a little accident here," he said, indicating to the dark circle of urine on both his and the little boy's trousers.
"Dam-asher. Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen," Oikawa tried to avoid cursing as well.
"Um?" he wondered out loud.
Oikawa ran through a list of possible solutions to the problem as he picked up the youngest from Iwaizumi's lap. There was no way they could leave the Santa pants like this because, after Iwaizumi's two hours, the regular Santa had another three and a half hours that day. They had no other pair of pants because no one was expecting them to be soaked in pee to begin with. "I guess I'll just take him back to his-"
"If he's Santa, why did you call him Iwa-chan, Mr. Elf?" the girl demanded, tugging on the hem of Oikawa's jacket. He still had the younger boy in his arms and shifted him more to the side so he could look down at the child yanking on his clothes.
"Umm, well, you see, we elves have these special nicknames for Santa that we call him. I've known Santa for a long time so I can call him that," Oikawa covered clumsily.
The girl didn't seem satisfied with that answer and stared at him for a second before blurting out, "If you're an elf, then why are you so ugly?"
"Excuse me, what?" Oikawa and Iwaizumi blurted out at the same time, Oikawa upset and Iwaizumi amused.
She then turned to Iwaizumi and pointed solemnly at him and declared, "You're not even the real Santa anyways."
The older boy still standing to Iwaizumi's right leaned over to Iwaizumi and silently stated, "Santa also spells Satan. Merry Christmas," and then leaned back away.
Iwaizumi blinked and looked back at the girl who was still standing, pointing her finger accusatorily.
"You're not the real Santa," she repeated.
"Yes, I am," Iwaizumi assured her.
"No, you're not."
"I am."
"You're not. You're not! You're not!" she repeated, growing louder each time.
"Listen here, I am Santa, okay?"
"You're not Santa! You're a fake! You're a liar!" she started screaming at the top of her lungs.
"Let's just all calm down here, shall we?" Oikawa interrupted, attempting to silence her piercing shouts while still holding onto the youngest.
"He's not Santa! He's a fake!" she continued as she started to turn red in the face.
Oikawa looked frantically for their mother but couldn't find her anywhere near the Santa Village. He whipped his head back and forth scanning for her, but it was to no avail. Meanwhile, Iwaizumi was trying to argue with the girl and prove that he was Santa. She wasn't listening and continued to shout and refuse to listen to anyone.
Iwaizumi was growing more and more frustrated as Oikawa was growing more and more panicked in his search for their mother. The two boys were calm but the girl continued to scream bloody murder and wouldn't stop.
"Alright, I'm not Santa. Okay? You know why? Because Santa's. not. real!" Iwaizumi exploded.
The girl stopped instantly and stared at Iwaizumi before turning to Oikawa and letting out a broken-sounding, "What?"
"What?" she repeated softly to herself as tears started to pool in her eyes. Her older brother leaned over to Iwaizumi and quietly told him, "Way to go, Satan."
Their mother chose this moment to return with a shopping bag and met them with a confused look.
"Why are my son's pants soaking wet? And why is my daughter crying?" she demanded, putting her hands on her hips and looking expectantly from Oikawa to Iwaizumi and back again.
"Well, you see ma'am-" Iwaizumi started.
"Well, considering you forced your son with anxiety issues to deal with someplace like the mall around Christmastime by himself since you left your kids to go shopping and weren't here to comfort him when he needed you, instead leaving him to two teenage boys who are not here to be babysitters, he wet his pants in fear. Your daughter is crying because she just learned the hard way that Santa is, in fact, not real." Oikawa spat out the last two words and walked over to hand her her son, who was still wearing his urine soaked pants, just as Iwaizumi was.
The woman was taken aback. "You told my daughter that Santa wasn't real and then you have the nerve to talk to me in that tone?" she retorted.
"Technically, Santa over there," Oikawa said, pointing at Iwaizumi, "told your daughter that Santa wasn't real. And yes, I do have the nerve to take that tone with you. I don't hold back for people who don't give a shit about their kids, especially when they're obviously uncomfortable to begin with. You don't just walk off and leave your kids with fucking elves at the Santa Village. Excuse me, fudging elves."
Several parents in the line gasped at Oikawa's speech and a few started to quietly clap. Oikawa's smug grin started to falter when he saw the mall manager standing behind the woman.
"I'm going to kill you," Iwaizumi declared, crossing his arms across his chest and leaning back into the plastic chair he is currently occupying outside of the mall manager's office.
"You always say that, Iwa-chan. And that's if the manager doesn't kill us first," Oikawa responds.
"Or our parents," Iwaizumi added solemnly.
"True."
Oikawa stared at the checkered floor in between his legs for a second before looking up with a look of realization and a sharp intake of breath. "But it's not everyday you can say you got arrested as Santa, right?" he added cheerfully, nudging Iwaizumi's elbow with his own and glancing at him.
"Stop talking right now before I hit you so hard your elf ears fall off." Iwaizumi didn't even turn to look at him. He merely craned his head back and stared at the speckled ceiling tiles instead.
"M'kay, Hajime," and with that Oikawa resumed staring at the floor.
I only came to the mall to buy presents and now I'm sitting outside of the mall manager's office in a Santa suit, Iwaizumi thought to himself. I hate the mall, I hate Christmas, and I definitely hate Oikawa Tooru.
No, that's not right. Oikawa had stood up for him when the mall manager first asked what happened and the woman started accusing them of not taking care of her children. He pointed out that it wasn't their job to be taking care of her children since they weren't a daycare but a business just like all the other shops in the mall, albeit, a seasonal one. He also pointed out that they did the best they could at taking care of her children while she left them considering that the worst they did was break it to them early that Santa was a lie.
I smell faintly like urine, and I am forever ruined for the Santa Village, and I still hate the mall. But I don't hate Christmas, and I definitely don't hate Oikawa Tooru.
"Technically we weren't arrested," he noted out loud.
"Yeah. I guess you could argue that," Oikawa replied flatly.
"We were just sternly reprimanded while wearing a Santa suit and a horrendous elf costume," Iwaizumi chuckled.
"Oh, boy, this will be a story to tell later on," Oikawa started giggling. "At least the manager let us buy you some dry underwear before we had to sit here and wait."
Iwaizumi had been allowed to change back into his jeans and a recently purchased pair of dry underwear, but Oikawa was still wearing his costume.
They both started laughing hysterically, leaning into each other.
Iwaizumi realized that, as embarrassing as this day had been, he wouldn't change anything about it because they were there now because of it all. They now had this ridiculous memory to look back on, and, for the most part, Iwaizumi had gained more Christmas cheer than he would have thought from going to the mall. In the end, just watching Oikawa's eyes light up while making fun of their day and being able to giggle right alongside him was almost worth getting peed on by that little kid.
Almost.
Any feedback is greatly appreciated! I hope you enjoyed the story and Merry Christmas!