I watch him now from a distance, as it is as close as I will ever really get to him. He is so close, yet so far away. Every time that I try to get to him, fear holds me back. He has been here for about a year and he has done surprisingly well. When he first started, I honestly didn't think that he would last. It wasn't necessarily that he was a bad doctor; it was just the entire package as a whole. He appeared completely immature. He has grown up at this hospital though. Sure he still has the black nail polish and he still tries to occasionally get out of work when he has a gig. He has learned though that medicine is not a day job and he is always there when needed. I still haven't figured out why, but he puts on masks around other people. No matter what he says, he really does care about his patients. That helps to truly make him a good doctor. He has helped me a lot since he got here. When I lied to get HIV medication for a patient, he was the one that helped me. I never asked how, but he used his connections to cover it up. He has helped me in other ways too. Some things that he's done for me, he doesn't even know about. I have a lot of demons, problems that nobody knows about. Luka knows some of it, Carter knows even more. However, nobody knows everything. Nobody knew, and nobody knows that I was on the edge. How close I was to just giving up on all of it. I used to love being a nurse so much. I figured that if I could actually be a doctor, then maybe that would give my life renewed purpose. I had planned to go to medical school in the first place, but that didn't work out because of my ex-husband. The only problem with going back to medical school was that I couldn't afford it. I only knew one person that I could ask to co-sign my student loan. So, I asked Richard (he owed it to me anyway after everything he put me through). Once I actually became a med student though, it wasn't as fulfilling as I would have thought. There was still something missing from my life. That was until he showed up. Somehow, just being around him gives me a better feeling. I don't know what it is, but there is something so intriguing about him. I know that he must have demons; I haven't met anybody that didn't. I also know that he uses his image to try to hide those demons. Even still though, he is a free spirit. A bad boy on the outside, but a child at heart. I was intrigued by him the moment that I met him. I don't really know when he went from being simply a co-worker to an actual friend. More importantly, I couldn't tell you when I stopped looking at him as just a friend. Looking at him now though I know that I have. I have crossed that line from intrigue to love. Though I will probably never say it aloud, it feels good to finally admit it to myself.
'I am in love with Ray Barnett.'
"Hey Abby, can you give me a hand with a patient?" he asks, suddenly in front of me.
"Sure Ray." I reply
I follow him now. That's the way that it will always be. I can never admit any of this aloud. I can only love him from a distance.