Disclaimer: I own nothing.
AN: This is a gift to my four favorite authors, who are all eventually named in this fic. They are all amazing women and I love them all. Happy Birthday, Happy Valentines Day, and Happy Something Else ;)
For all you regular readers out there, if you don't like it, please feel free to flame, I won't care. This story is absolutely terrible, because it makes absolutely no sense. It was written to do just that. Oh. There will be lots of Edward bashing.
Without knowing exactly how, or exactly why, or even exactly when, several people found themselves standing in the midst of what appeared to be, on casual inspection, absolutely nothing. They were standing in a vast expanse of empty white space. There was a floor. They could feel solidity of some sort beneath their feet. When they walked, however, their feet made no sound whatsoever. It was as if the ground itself were muffling their footsteps despite being as hard as wood or stone.
And they were all clothed almost identically. All three of them, two boys and one girl, wore black shirts with writing on it, faded gray jeans, and white shoes. The tallest, a ruggedly handsome young man between six and seven feet, who looked to be in about his early to mid-twenties, had short cropped black sitting atop a face set with murky brown eyes warily surveying their monochromatic surroundings. He scratched his russet cheek before turning to the pale young woman, about eighteen, who addressed him as soon as she saw him.
"You're actually wearing a shirt," she said, her tone hiding a chuckle as her clear brown eyes twinkled merrily at her friend's discomfort. She was short, slightly over five feet, with wavy brown hair falling down her back that framed a face that was remarkable for its astoundingly plain beauty.
The russet skinned man looked down at his chest.
Name: Jacob Black
Race: Shapeshifter - Werewolf
Universe: Twilight
Features: Complicated Buff Savior
The words were printed in bold clear white writing that stood out very clearly against the black background. Jacob snorted before waving to the girl's chest with faux nonchalance, "You're wearing one too, he said, and yours looks more ridiculous than mine, just so you know. I think you should get docked a few years for it."
The girl's brows furrowed as she gazed down at her own chest.
Name: Bella Swan
Race: Human - Unremarkable
Universe: Twilight
Features: Indecisive Marry Sue
However, much to Bella's dismay, the words were painted over her bosom in bright pink. "Don't think much of it, Bella dear," the third said. The third was, for no obvious reason, sparkling. He was lanky and tall with a mop of unruly coppery hair that somehow managed to be attractive in its unkempt state. Classic Sex Hair. He was wearing a shirt with sanguine lettering.
Name: Edward Cullen
Race: Vampire - Vegetarian
Universe: Twilight
Features: Emo Mind Reader
Jacob let out a derisive snort while his eyes crinkled in the corners, a sinister light entering his eyes, "Well, at least they got your description right, leech," he growled.
Edward narrowed his eyes at Jacob, "You'd be wise to remember that wherever we are, we're nowhere near the safety of your Pack. Without their help..." he let the tough trail of dangerously as he began to square off with Jacob.
Bella quickly ran to intercede, "Now look. We should be trying to find out where we are and why we're here, not fighting each other, she implored. Do either of you remember what you were doing before you showed up here? I don't."
Jacob and Edward took a moment to calm down before both replied in clipped tones, telling Bella that neither of them remembered anything immediately preceding their current predicament. Not that they had much time to discuss their predicament, for as soon as they paused, they noticed another group had joined them.
Four young men had appeared from nowhere. A shorter Hispanic boy with a lopsided grin and a tool belt slung underneath his orange shirt, a blond haired blue eyed young man with a small scar on his lip and a calm look on his attractive features, a boy swathed in olive toned skin that still seemed pale somehow with eyes and hair blacker than death and a jet black sword strapped to his side that seemed to radiate cold and finally a smirking young man with green eyes that held a mischievous twinkle, sun kissed skin and black hair rounded out their strange group.
The Hispanic boy looked down at his orange shirt with fiery red lettering.
Name: Leo Valdez
Race: Demigod - Son of Hephaestus
Universe: Greek Olympian
Features: Annoying Fire User/Smith
"Well, whoever dressed me up in this had me pegged down to a button, eh Jason?" he said easily, interlacing his fingers behind his head.
The blond boy gave the tanned young man a wry smile before looking down at his own purple shirt, which turned orange as he looked down, decorated with sky blue writing.
Name: Jason Grace
Race: Demigod - Son of Jupiter
Universe: Roman Olympian
Features: Cocky Lightning User/Flier
"I'm cocky?" Jason asked curiously as he read his own shirt. "I don't think I'm cocky."
Leo patted him on the back companionably, "And that, my friend, is exactly why you are," he said as Jason gave him a bemused look before turning to the other pair. "So you're that Percy Jackson dude that everyone's been looking for?"
The black haired green eyed boy arched an eyebrow, "People have been looking for me? And yeah, so my shirt says," he said in befuddlement as he gestured to his shirt which seemed to shimmer between the colors of Orange and Purple and was emblazoned with aquamarine writing.
Name: Perseus Jackson (Percy)
Race: Demigod - Son of Poseidon/Neptune
Universe: Olympian
Features: Likable/Idiotic Water User/Warrior
The black haired boy arched his eyebrow at his friend's shirt, "I suppose that's accurate enough", he said with a wry smile before he looked down to his own.
Name: Nico di Angelo
Race: Demigod Son of Hades
Universe: Greek Olympian
Features: Reclusive Stone User/Necromancer
"Um," Percy interrupted the various assembled teens inspection of their non-extant surroundings, "should we be worried about the sparkling dude over there? He doesn't exactly look human."
Jason realized the other boy was right and narrowed his eyes. He pulled a coin from his pocket, flipping in the air. It landed tails. He pointed his new golden spear at the threesome, "You three, don't make any sudden moves and state your intentions."
Leo smiled and waved the three over, "Please excuse my over excitable friend here, we're just used to strange things happening to use, and we don't usually get trapped in strange universes with friendly people, if you catch my drift." Despite Leo's assuring words, however, he dropped one hand to his tool belt. Just in case.
Nico pulled his sword out but left his arm by his side, not feeling threatened at all by the three of them, "Well, he's less human and more dead, in my opinion," he said as he looked the sparkling male up and down.
Bella's eyes widened in shock, "How could you know that?"
Jacob rolled his eyes, "Bells, the leech is sparkling and looks whiter than fresh snow. It's not exactly hard to associate that type of coloring with a corpse."
Edward growled but otherwise refused to comment.
Percy yawned and patted his jeans, checking for his trusty ballpoint pen, "It also helps that our friend here is the son of Hades. You know. God of the Dead and all that jaz," he said as he leaned up against thin air.
"Uh…how are you doing that?" a newcomer asked. He was short and looked to be in middle school. His canted eyes looked almost inhumanly large and were a deep ocher brown. He was dressed in plain jeans and a sky blue tee-shirt with fiery orange lettering:
Name: Sawada Tsunayoshi
Race: Human – Vongola Mafioso
Universe: Mafia
Features: Scardy Cat Powerhouse
"I'm not exactly sure," Percy said as he smiled widely at the newcomer, "I just wanted something to lean up against and got," Percy waved his hand at the empty space that his shoulder appeared to be resting against, "this."
"Does anyone know where we are?" Jason asked, striving to keep the interactions tense.
"You're in character creation." Said a cat in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Bill Murray's. The cat, like everyone else, appeared out of absolutely nowhere, and appeared to be a cat breeder's dream from the Persian bloodline. It was ugly as all hell.
"Um…" Nico said, laying his face in his palm, "you're joking, right?"
Bella was wondering if he was referring to where the cat said they were or if the cat was talking.
"Not at all. Allow me to make proper introductions. They," he pointed to the threesome with black shirts using his tail, "are from Twilight, you four," he said, twitching his tail in the direction of the demigods, "are from Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and he," swishing his bushy appendage yet again, "is from KHR."
Percy's brow furrowed, "What's that stand for?"
The cat's face remained impassive, "A Japanese manga with a difficult to pronounce name. Suffice it to say, I represent the author in this instance. Should you prefer, the author can appear to you in the form of billboard."
"Please," Jacob said, pinching his nose with his forefinger and thumb. He hadn't imagined anything could smell as offensive as vampire, but that damn feline had sure as hell come close.
The cat was instantly replaced with a billboard without any accompanying theatrics.
"Now then. Please get to know one another and the extent of one another's abilities before I send you on your quest. Enjoy." The Billboard displayed this in big bold black lettering.
"Hey, Nico, you seem to know what's going on. Spill," Percy said as he tried hanging upside down in midair. It worked.
Nico glared at his friend, who responded, "Basically, we're at the mercy of a 'GM,' game master, who is going to set us up on a quest at some point. This is basically Dungeons and Dragons…with preset characters. Our GM also apparently decided to scrap the whole, 'You all meet in a tavern,' scenario in favor of," he waved his hand expansively at the landscape, "this."
"You still have yet to explain who you are," Edward said as he pointed at the assembled humans.
Bella shook her head and answered for them, "They're characters from a book. It's not a bad series, actually. They're all sons of Greek Olympians, they go on quests to save the world, etcetera," she said as she sat down on empty space as if it were a chair.
"Strange," Jason said as he turned his coin back into a coin, "I was about to say the same about you. You're all characters in a fairly popular teen series."
"Oh God!" Percy exclaimed, his eyes widening as he pointed at the threesome, "You're that Edward and Jacob! Like…Team Edward and Team Jacob! Kill me now…" Percy sighed as he slid onto the ground.
"I don't get what the big deal is," Leo said, his head tilted to one side as he started fidgeting with various do-dads and whazzits in his pockets.
"You wouldn't. It was before you came to camp. The Aphrodite cabin had a little war concerning who was hotter, Jacob or Edward. It lasted days," Nico bemoaned as he slumped onto the ground next to Percy.
"They even got the girls in the other cabins involved! Hell, even Clarisse read those damn books! Now Anabeth won't shut up about it," Percy groaned into the floor, refusing to look at the subjects of what had become some of his worst nightmares.
"Just out of curiosity, who won?" Jacob asked.
Percy and Nico both glared at the offending werewolf. Tsuna sat down next to the slumping teens, curious as to what they were saying, and wondering why he had such an easy time understanding English all of a sudden.
"Neither. That's the whole problem. You two nearly started another Trojan war in our camp. Except, it wasn't over any sort of stupid Helen, who by the way, was so much hotter than Bella, it was over who was hotter! It was over a guy! Do you know how much trauma the guys at camp went through cause of you two?" Percy said, glaring from his position on the floor. He got up as he continued to rant about the damage done to the cabins and how much time and effort he had spent breaking up cat fights.
"Uh…sorry?" Bella asked more than apologized.
"Here, let us stab sparkly over there and we'll call it even," Nico said as he pulled out his Stygian Iron sword.
"Sure," Jacob replied immediately.
"Jacob!" Bella exclaimed as she slapped Jacob on the arm in such a way that she herself wouldn't be injured.
"It's alright, dearest Bella," Edward said calmly, "even if they possessed Herculean strength, as their status as Demigods implies, I doubt they'd be able to cause me serious harm or injury."
The four demigods all exchanged amused glances. Not the Titans and Gods they had bested in single combat, the four of them had heard posturing remarkably like that countless times by countless monsters. This ought to be fun.
"How about I go first since he's already technically dead?" Nico asked his friends. Percy and the others waved him forward.
Edward smiled as Nico plunged his sword into the ground. A huge white fissure of whiteness opened up swallowing the sparkling boy whole and closed right behind him.
"That…was strangely easy," Nico said as he hung his sword on his hip again.
Edward popped back into existence, "Over already? I thought you were going to do something spectacular?" he taunted. Jacob immediately broke down laughing while the others merely looked at the Billboard. It's text remained unchanged. Tsuna, acting on his superior intuition, walked up and snatched the front page off.
"Instantaneous Respawn, with wiped memories, is provided of course."
"I suppose that means it's my turn," Leo said as he moseyed towards Edward. "Hey, you vampires still burn and stuff, right?"
Edward's brow wrinkled, "Yes…why?"
"No reason," Leo sung out as he started digging through his tool belt. He pulled out a super soaker.
Edward laughed, "Planning to squirt me to death?"
"I am," Leo said as he started pumping, "but you're already dead."
He sprayed Edward in Greek Fire. As he was spraying, Leo set the stream of liquid aflame, coating Edward with sticky fire.
"Hey," Percy asked as Edward ran around, on fire, "you got marshmellows in that thing?"
"Why are you doing this? Put him out!" Bella screamed, held back by Jacob, who was desperately trying to hold back a smile.
Jason shrugged, "It's not every day a demigod gets the chance to fight a vampire."
But the young Roman flipped his coin again, having it land on heads, and quickly decapitated the squirming vampire with his sword. As Edward's venom acted as a combustive liquid, he quickly exploded only to reappear seconds later.
Edward frowned, "That's strange. I feel warm…"
Jacob, once again, devolved into laughter.
"What's so funny, mut?" Edward growled out.
"Oh, just the fact you keep getting your ass handed to you." A feminine voice said. Standing before the assembled party were four women. The first was wearing a white shirt emblazoned with gold embroidery spelling out, "PocketAces," and was *CENSORED*. She quickly ran over to Tsuna to glomp him and stuff a puppy into the dazed young boy's arms. The second appeared to be *CENSORED* and was wearing a shirt similar to the first, but with the words, "sowrong" emblazoned on the front. The third was smiling and holding the cat from before in her arms and appeared to be *CENSORED* with a shirt that claimed her to be "little furry cannibals." The fourth merely stood there, a bright smile on her *CENSORED* as she appeared to be in her *CENSORED* she too was wearing a gold embroidered shirt that spelled out "sfiddy."
"Who are all of you?" Edward asked petulantly.
little furry cannibals snapped her fingers. A two ton anvil appeared over Edward's head and flattened him. However, before gruesome details could become apprehensible, his legs rolled up into themselves, leaving ruby…he reappeared.
"She's been waiting forever to do that," the cat said.
little glared at her cat, "You know very well I can do that whenever I please, Vatan," she said, replacing the S in Satan with a V.
The cat narrowed its eyes, "I prefer Van," he said as he hopped down, only to be picked up by sfiddy.
"Can I try that next?" she asked.
"Try what?" Edward demanded, now upset that he appeared to be the center of some sort of elaborate metaphysical cosmic joke.
sfiddy snapped her fingers, causing a grand piano to appear so that Edward could die in true Looney Toons fashion. Her finger snappage also changed Jacob's "Features" section to "Fuckhot" and Edward's to "Deadward." Though Edward appeared not to notice his change in apparel.
Nico frowned, "I thought this was character selection. Who does that make you?"
All four ladies answered simultaneously, "God."
"Um, Nico?" Tsuna piped up from being snuggled, "how are they doing all of that?"
The four ladies beat Nico to the punch, "Magic."
"Really?" Bella asked.
Nico sighed, "It's essentially the GM's ultimate tool. If he, or she," Nico said as he pointed to the assembled ladies, "ever want to make a players life hell, they do whatever they want. And they call it either 'divine intervention' or 'magic.'"
"So…" Leo tilted his head to one side, "they don't have restrictions like the Olympians do?"
"Nope," answered PocketAces. She snapped her fingers and a cute little Marmoset appeared perched atop Edward's picture perfect sex hair.
"That doesn't exactly look like an engine of destruction," Jason commented wryly.
Nico paled, "Rule number one: never, ever, comment on a trap or dungeon like that. You'll only make it worse."
At that exact moment, the marmoset let out a little marmoset cry in its marmoset tongue calling 2386 of its marmoset brethren, each of a different color and with a different marmoset hairstyle, to swarm Edward. They tore him apart, ripping his *CENSORED*.
Edward reappeared moments later, apparently none the worse for the ware, "I just had the strangest dream…"
"So, in a nutshell, don't make us mad," so wrong said with a smile, making her look *CENSORED*.
"You haven't rained down fiery doom on Deadward yet, so, I think you should have a go at it," little said.
"Well," so glanced at the three Twilight characters, her expression hesitant, "I'm not sure that would be fair to Edward," she said at last, "maybe I should do something to Jacob."
Jacob's jaw dropped open and his eyes widened as he waved his hands in front of them, "No need, I'm fine as is, thank you very much."
His pleas, however, came too late, as so had already snapped her fingers.
Jacob got a cube with hearts on it.
Jacob took a moment to look at it, "What's this?"
so just smiled, "Your best friend!"
"But this thing is-" Jacob was interrupted by Quil's voice.
"Come on, don't tell me you don't recognize me!" said the cube.
"Uh, Quil?" Jacob asked haltingly.
"Jyeah?"
"Why are you a box?"
"Cause it's kinky!"
Jacob stared at so in the eyes, "Is there a return policy?"