The X-Men Present: Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Summary: The X-Men star in my parody of Alice in Wonderland. I own naught, not even the format (Chellerbelle's).
Disclaimer: ^ up there ^
Chapter 1- Down the Rabbit Hole
Jean was idly picking daisies to make a daisy chain, which fell apart because she lost focus and it was shoddily made.
She finally gave up on her fruitless ventures and instead looked over the shoulder of her sister, Emma, who was reading a book-
'Who's Emma?' was the general chorus that heralded the arrival of Emma Frost, a buxom blonde with icy blue eyes that lingered a few moments (a few moments too long, in Jean's opinion) on Scott.
Be nice, everyone. She'll be part of the cast from now on. Hehe…
'I don't trust that expression on her face,' muttered Rogue.
'You're not alone, chère,' reassured Remy.
-titled 'Pride and Prejudice'. It had font of an ungodly small size and absolutely no pictures.
'What's the point of a book without illustrations?' wondered Jean, who was beginning to feel the effects of the blazing midday sun in the form of drowsiness.
Just as she was about to doze off, a White Rabbit wearing a ruby-red visor dashed by.
Jean found that quite unremarkable.
Neither did she feel curious when the Rabbit mumbled frantically to himself, 'If I don't get there on time then my name isn't Scott Summers! Oh no! I think I like my name as it is... I don't really want to change it...'
Scott angrily yelled,' Why am I the Rabbit? No, scratch that. Why am I A rabbit?'
Because I felt like making you the Rabbit, that's why.
Scott opened his mouth to further protest, but whatever he was about to say was cut off when a giant glob of cheese descended upon him.
And now you have all seen for yourselves the many wonders of cheese...
In retrospect, she should have wondered about that, but at the time it all seemed quite natural.
Jean's curiosity was finally aroused-
REMY! Don't laugh! This story is rated K!
-when the Rabbit took a watch out of his waistcoat pocket, glanced at it, and frantically hurried on. Jean jumped to her feet. There was definitely something odd about a rabbit that wore a visor and had a waistcoat to pull a watch from.
She dashed after him, just in time to see him pop down a large rabbit hole. Recklessly, Jean jumped in after him, never once stopping to consider how exactly she was going to get out again.
'Very wise,' said Wanda sarcastically. 'Jumping down a rabbit hole to who knows where. After a rabbit that is wearing clothes and talking.'
The rabbit hole stretched straight downwards like some kind of massive tunnel. Either the hole was very deep or Jean fell slowly, because she had plenty of time to look around her and wonder what was going to happen next.
Firstly, she tried to look down to see where she was falling to, but it was too dark to make anything out. Then she looked at the sides of the hole and noticed that they were laden with cupboards and bookshelves. Here and there maps and pictures hung on pegs.
She randomly snatched down a jar as she passed it. It was labeled 'Orange Marmalade' but to her immense disappointment, it was empty. She, being a considerate little girl, did not want to drop the jar for fear of killing someone below. Thus, she put it back onto a shelf as she passed it.
'After a fall like this,' Jean mused,' a tumble down the stairs at home shall be a mere trifle. Why, how brave they'll think me! I wouldn't say anything even if I were to fall off the roof of the house!'
'Maybe, but I think your parents would be more than a little bit alarmed,' said Rogue.
Down, down, down. The fall seemed virtually endless. She wondered how far she'd fallen. 'I must be getting near to the center of the Earth. Let's see, that would be about four thousand miles.'
Jean had learnt several things of this sort at school. Although there was no one to listen to her show off her knowledge, it was still good practice to repeat it. 'I wonder what latitude and longitude I've reached!' she said, even though she had absolutely no idea what those two words meant. She just thought they were nice grand words to say.
'I wonder if I shall fall right through the Earth! When I finally land, I shall have to ask people what is the name of their country. If you please, ma'am, is this Australia? Or Antarctica?' She tried to curtsy as she spoke, but whoever heard of curtsying while falling through air?
'What an ignorant little girl she'll think me for asking!' sighed Jean. 'Never mind. Perhaps I shall see it written up somewhere.'
As she continued falling, the bored girl began to talk again- this time about her beloved cat, Wolvie.
Logan growled at the same time as Remy nervously asked,' If you're turning every male into an animal, what am I gonna be?'
The Mock Turtle.
The expression on his face was priceless.
I wish I had a camera.
'Wolvie shall miss me very much tonight,' cried Jean. 'Oh, I hope the family will remember his tray of fresh meat at tea-time. Wolvie, dearie, I wish you were here with me! There are no mice in the air, sadly, but there might be a bat or two, and that's very much like a mouse, you know. But do cats eat bats, I wonder?' Presently, Jean began to get rather sleepy and went on talking to herself in a dreamy voice. 'Do cats eat bats? Do cats eat bats? Do bats eat cats?'
Since she couldn't answer either question, it didn't really matter how she phrased it.
She dozed off and dreamt that she was walking with Wolvie. She very earnestly asked him, 'Now, Wolvie, tell me the truth-have you ever eaten a bat?'
Suddenly, she landed in a heap of sticks and leaves. The fall was finally over.
Having been jolted awake, she leapt to her feet. The leaves had cushioned her fall and she was not hurt.
She looked up but it was completely dark overhead. Before her lay another long passage and the Rabbit was still in sight, hurrying along. As Jean ran after him, she heard him say,' Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!'
She was hot on his heels but when they rounded a corner, he was nowhere to be found. It was almost as if he'd vanished straight into thin air.
Jean found herself in a long, low hall, lit up by a row of lamps hanging from the roof.
There were doors all around the hall but all were locked. Jean tried every single one of them, feeling despondent when none opened. How was she supposed to get out?
Suddenly she happened upon a three-legged glass table with a tiny gold key lying on it. Jean figured that it might belong to one of the doors in the hall, and she excitedly tried opening them with the key. Alas! None of the locks fit the key, which was too small for all of them.
However, when she whirled around, she saw a low curtain she had not noticed before. Behind it was a little door of about fifteen inches. Jean tried the gold key in the lock and it fit! Delighted, she opened the door and found it led into a passage about the size of a rat hole. Looking along the passage, she was mesmerized by what she saw: beds of bright flowers and cool fountains, statues of marble that stood tall and birds that chirped merrily. It was the most beautiful garden she'd ever seen.
Unfortunately for her, she couldn't even get her head into the doorway. 'Oh, how I wish I could just close up like a telescope!' she exclaimed- for so many strange events had happened that she had begun to think that few things were truly impossible.
There was no point in waiting by the door, so she shut it and went back to the table, vaguely hoping to find a book of rules on closing people up like telescopes. Instead, she found a little bottle which had certainly not been there earlier. Around the neck of the bottle was a paper label with the words 'DRINK ME' printed on it in large elegant letters.
Jean was a smart girl, though, and she definitely wasn't going to drink it in a hurry. It could have been poisonous, for all she knew. She promptly checked the bottle for a 'POISON' sign but found none. That didn't mean anything- if someone had wanted to poison her, they wouldn't have labeled the bottle 'POISON'.
Still, it was worth a shot- the little bottle seemed safe enough. She tasted it and found it heavenly- with the flavors of cherry tart, custard, roast chicken, white lotus mooncakes and candy. It tasted like heaven and she soon drank it all.
'How odd!' she exclaimed. 'I appear to be closing up like a telescope!' That was exactly what had happened. She was now only ten inches high- the perfect height to get into that garden. But first, she decided to wait and see if she shrunk any more, if she suddenly went out like the flame on a candle. Just in case.
After waiting for a while, finding out that nothing else had happened, she decided to go into the garden. But poor Jean! The door was locked and its key was lying on the glass table, way out of reach. Jean tried to climb up the leg of the table, but it was too slippery and she only exhausted herself by trying.
Distraught, she sat down and cried. 'Stop crying! It's of no use to you. You wicked, wicked girl... This is definitely retribution for all those times you were unkind to the dog around the corner!' She generally gave herself excellent advice but she rarely followed it. Sometimes she even scolded herself so severely that she brought tears to her eyes.
'Jean... Are you feeling alright?' asked Rogue cautiously. Jean rolled her eyes.
She really is insane in this one isn't she?
The curious girl liked to pretend to be two people- herself and another little girl she named Phoenix. She even occasionally played croquet against herself. 'But now there's hardly enough of me left to make one complete person,' Jean sighed.
As she dried her tears, she spied a little box under the table. She opened it and found a small cake on which the words 'EAT ME' were beautifully marked with currants. It looked mouthwatering, and the rumble of her stomach suddenly reminded her that she hadn't eaten for a while.
Jean decided to eat it. Her logic: if she grew larger, she could reach the key. If she grew smaller, she could creep under the door. Either way, she'd get into the garden. So she set to work and ate every morsel of the cake- poison or not, it was worth a shot.
She just hoped she wouldn't regret it.