Summery- James Potter: Husband of a hormonal pregnant woman and soon to be a dead lump of flesh. You'd think magic would be the perfect way to soothe the soul of a pregnant woman. Not if you happen to be James Potter and his best mate, Sirius Black. Not when you go days upon days figuring out how to make her happy again, her being Lily Potter, who was known infamously at Hogwarts for a fiery temper and irrational patience. Or lack there of. So what happens when James, aided by Sirius Black, probably the world's biggest prat in the female eye, spend sleepless nights and ever-lasting days trying desperately to give Lily what she desires? Magic won't help them now, here in this hilarious work, Expressway to the Couch.
Expressway to the Couch
Chapter One
James sighed happily. Even though it was a time of great unhappiness, with Voldemort massacring several people, James was finally with the girl of his dreams, who was pregnant with their first child. James' best friend, Sirius (also known as Padfoot, or when James wanted to be annoying, Paddy) had teased him mercilessly about it of course. "Finally settling down, eh Prongs? Next thing you know, you'll be sitting in a rocking chair, smoking cigarettes, telling everyone in hearing distance stories of when you were a young lad."
"Yes I would, Paddy, if I lived in the last century." James had agreed.
"I am mortally offended." Sirius replied, hand against his heart, with a mock sad expression on his face. He had stayed in that position for a couple seconds before both burst out into laughter. James chuckled as he recalled, and picked a piece of grass from where he was lying down, and chewed on it. Yup, he could always count on Sirius to make him laugh again when times were hard.
"James!" Lily cried from inside the house.
"The missus is calling." A voice said behind James said, making him jump. Speaking of the devil.
"You better make sure she doesn't hear you saying that. Speaking of which, don't you think you are taking her invitation of coming any time too seriously?" James warned, saying the last part jokingly.
"James!" Lily called again, sounding irritated.
"You know the saying 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'? They should add in pregnant before woman. That would have been more accurate." Sirius commented, before picking an apple from a nearby tree and taking a huge bite out of it.
"Coming!" James shouted, ignoring Sirius and smiling as he realized he sounded like a child replying to his mother. Of course, in a way Lily was his mother. She watched over everything he did, and scolded him if necessary.
Once inside the small cottage Lily had inherited from her grandmother, Lily came over, stomach huge, and gave James a quick peck on the cheek.
"Dinner is on the table." She said, and walked over to the table herself. James noted that the table was set for three. Then again, Sirius was over so much these days pretty soon they would need to set up a room for him. Not that he minded. He loved hanging out with his old friend, the only friend he saw much these days since Remus had gone in search of a job, and who knew where Peter was these days? It was almost as if Peter had disappeared from the face of the earth, and had only showed up to go to James' and Lily's wedding.
As he sat down at his spot of the table on the side (even though the husband usually sat at the head of the table, James knew it was Lily who was really in charge) he noticed Sirius was glancing suspiciously at his sandwich. But James wasn't the only one to notice this, Lily noticed too.
"What's wrong?" asked Lily, sounding almost hurt.
"It's tuna." Sirius said slowly.
"So? I thought you liked all kinds of sandwiches."
"But you're a vegetarian."
"I know, I know, but the doctor said it would be healthier if I ate meat. Besides, how do you know my eating diet?"
"Well, back when James was in his stalker phase- ouch! I mean, at your wedding you were giving Jimmie here a hard time about him ordering meat plates as well as a vegetarian one." Sirius said, glaring at James, who had an innocent expression on his face. But when he saw Lily's furious expression, he took a bite without another word. James, eager to change the subject, said brightly to Lily, "Look how big you're getting! Soon we'll need to get more clothes!"
Lily had tears in her eyes (something that shocked James. The only time he had ever seen her cry was at her parent's funeral) and said slowly, "Are you saying I'm fat?"
James giggled nervously. Lily angry was not a pleasant experience, and often times after an argument he would wonder if he would make it to old age, or if she would kill him long before then. "Not at all, darling. You aren't fat, just pregnant." But he could tell this was the wrong thing to say. Without a word, Lily got up and threw both his and Sirius's sandwich away, and stormed up to her room, slamming the door.
"Nice going, mate." Sirius said sarcastically as he got up to make himself something to eat. James just stayed where he was, stunned.
A/N- This was a response to LadySophieKitty's (my own) challenge on the forums. This should be short, nor more than five chapters. I hope you enjoy, and please give me feedback!