Writer's note:
Here's something I've mulled over for a while.
A narrative of 2D's experience after D-day- told from the point of view of a young man with severe brain damage.
This started out as a poem, but gradually became a story. The grammar is supposed to be fucked up at the beginning, and it gets better as he becomes more aware.
This one's for Karen O.
Love, Cat
People will say all kinds of things
But that don't mean a damn to me
'Cause all I see is what's in front of me
And that's you
- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
he is on his face
he tastes gravel and metal and dust
the metal is red and comes from his mouth and his nose and his eyes
he can only see what is straight ahead of him and has to turn his face to look around but it hurts his head when he does it
he can't remember anything
he tries to stand and falls on his knees
he does it again and stumbles to his feet
he can't remember
he can't think straight and his head HURTS
he tries hard to think
he tries to think of his name
wanker
tin can
can
soup can
"Campbell?" he says and it's not right
he tries to say his dad's name
"Brown girl in the ring- tra-lala-lala" he sings "Brown girl in the ring- tra-lalalalala…"
no
no no no
"He's an old altar boy, lying out there in the street, an old altar boy…"
"Bound up in leather and chains…"
no
no no no no thats not it
not at all
what was your name
it was jeff
no it wasn't jeff
no
think harder
"Oi, you! Stewart!"
YES thats it that must be it
but it isn't
but it is
it is and it isn't
he turns around and his head hurts more
he looks at the man who is calling him
"Wos that you? Were you the one singing Tom Waits?"
tom waits, but what for?
his dad used to say that
"Answer me, dullard!"
the greasy man is his friend
he knows Stewart's(?) name
but Stewart doesn't know who he is
"Euh… who you..?
"Murdoc Niccals. Your, ah, bandmate."
"Uh'm, ah, en-en eh band?"
"Yeah, with me!"
"Woh do uh play?"
"You sing, of course! Unless you can do anything else."
but i can play the the thing
the boring
the bored
"The lock."
the key
"The key-bored."
"Key board? That's good! That's very- I've got one in my studio, would you like to try that one out?"
no not now
"Head… hurts."
i need mum mum will know
"Pills. For head-hurts."
"You're talking nonsense, boyo. I'm taking you back to the studio."
"Woll ther be pills?"
"Yeah, whatever."
inside the studio bathroom there is a mirror
but the reflection is not right
i have eyes
i had eyes
faces should have eyes
"Whar are…"
he touches his own cheek and his head keeps hurting
how can i see with no eyes
"Don't stress, mate. Think of it as an improvement. A-a unique image. It'll draw crowds. The man with two holes in his head. Two-dents… Two-D!"
2D
2D 2D 2D
"Twoooo-dy."
it is easy to say and spell and he is sure of it
not like 'Stewart'
"Yeah, 2D! Not bad at all! Now, to business!"
Murdoc wants him to play the key-bored
2D plays Ziggy Stardust and Freddie Mercury and something he doesn't recognize- maybe he made it up
but Murdoc likes all of it and 2D decides he also likes Murdoc
then 2Ds head hurts too much and he keels over and vomits and he isn't awake anymore
bright light
too bright
head hurts
white sheeps
shh-
sheets
bed-sheets
hospital
mum
"Mum?" but the room is empty but for him
but mum should be here
this is where she gets the pills
"Muuuuuhm?"
there are voices outside the door
"…heard him, he's awake! Let me in!"
there is arguing and a fight and the door opens and a girl rushes in
he knows her and he knows he likes her
"Rachel?"
she only stares at him
"Stew-pot."
no not Rachel
Rachel is mum
he keeps looking at the girl
he can't remember her name
she has big front teeth like the rat from Toad Hall
"Ratty!" he says but that's not it
Murdoc laughs from the door
"No, dullard, but close!"
"You did this to him, cunt!"
she's yelling at Murdoc and calling him names and Stew-pot knows he's upset her but he hadn't meant to
but he has to remember
then she won't be so upset
"He doesn't know who I am anymore!"
"Didn't you hear him? He's on the right track."
but i know i swear i know i just can't remember
it's not a rat
it's bird
some kind of bird
cockatoo
toucan
"Seagull."
albatross
"Canary."
no
mynah
hummingbird
mustard
mustard is not a bird
peacock
pelican
"Emu."
is an emu a bird?
parakeet
no parrot
yes parrot
pieces of eight
polly wonna-
"Paula." he says and he's finally got it
she's not mad anymore
she takes his hand and suddenly nothing is wrong
The refrigerator makes a loud buzzing noise
It makes his headache even worse
"Ken ye turn it down?"
"Turn wot down?"
"The-the thing. The buzz."
"The what?"
"The fuck. The frick. The white box what buzzes."
"The fridge?"
"Yeah, the frick- the fridge."
"I can't control the noise it makes, Stew."
no you can't
like I can't control what I say
"…head hurts…"
She leads him out of the kitchen and back to bed.
She gives him his medicine.
Paula writes his name on the door of his room, so he won't forget which one is his and that's when he sees that his name is STUART, STUART with a U, not STEWART with an EW.
And that's good because who wants to be STEWART with an EW.
Murdoc doesn't like Paula.
He doesn't like the ways she plays guitar.
He thinks she's ugly and bad-tempered.
"I dunno what you see in her, faceache."
Murdoc passes 2D a bottle.
He does not drink it.
Drinking gives him headaches.
"She's a slag. She'll only ruin the band's image."
Murdoc drinks a lot.
For him the headache only comes the next day.
the head-over
the HANG-over
"I luff her. And she luffs me."
Murdoc's laugh is loud and adjacent.
adjacent
obtuse
obscene
"Believe me, mate. There'll be plenty of birds out there for you once she's gone. Especially when you're famous."
but I don't want another bird
I want parrot-
Paula.
"But Paula says it's a waste of time. She says the music in-distry manufactures all its new acts."
"I don't think you even know what that means."
2D is silent.
It's too dark for him to see.
He can feel her mouth on him.
On his skin and his face and neck.
On his mouth.
Paula asks for permission and he nods.
She wraps herself around him.
She's the only real thing left in the world, her and the sheets and pillows they're nestled in, and her body moving against his.
She thrusts and he tries to keep up.
She relaxes.
She rests on him.
He wishes he could give her more.
The new band-mate is big.
Big and scary.
Like a whale.
Or Big Bird.
Or a whale.
He has milky white eyes.
2D wonders if he is blond.
Blind.
Murdoc and Paula brought him to Kong with a bag over his head.
They are getting along better than they used to.
That's good.
Right?
Because they don't fight anymore.
Right?
"Ello. Uh'm 2D."
"You got a little something down your chin."
2D wipes his mouth.
Drinking is easier than it used to be. It doesn't make his headaches any worse but he can only handle one or two before he falls asleep.
It bothers him that he can't respond the way he wants to when he's with Paula. It always happens too fast and she's always the one who leads.
He knows it's never satisfying for her.
She's alone in the recording room, strumming her guitar. She looks metabolic.
No no
Melancholic.
Her hair is unkempt and her face in unwashed. Her eyes have dark shadows under them. There is a black smudge on her nose where she's wiped her
Cologne
Cologne is perfume
Eye-SHAT
Eye-SHOWER
Eye-SHADOW
Eye-LINER!
Mascara?
MAKE UP, her MAKE UP
She's looking at him.
"Rabbit."
No, Ratty.
NO, PARROT-
DO'H!
"Yea, honeybear?"
He's turning pink now.
"Paula." He corrects himself and sits down next to her.
He feels dumb and defective beside her. Surely she deserves better than a man with a broken face. A half-wit who can't remember her name.
He can't please her. He can't tell her his feelings. He can't even hold a decent condensation.
Conversation.
"Uh'm sorry."
She stops playing.
"Don't be sorry."
"But I-"
"Don't. Don't feel that way. Don't apologize."
She's crying now.
"It's not your fault. Really its not."
He's upset her again like a complete idiot.
Stupid stupid stupid stupid-
He wants to hold her and tell her it'll be okay, that he's mending himself; in time he'll be able to talk proper.
But he can't talk right. Not to her.
He takes a pill from his pocket and drops it in her hand.
2D loves singing. When he sings he doesn't have to stop and think about the words. He doesn't make mistakes. It all flows perfectly out of his mouth.
Paula seems distant and
Engine
Exhaust
exausted. She keeps missing cues and snapping at Murdoc when he berates her for it. Russel is at his wits end.
"One more time."
Paula keeps talking about Russel being obsessed
Possessed
by a dead rapper. She says she saw the ghost emerge from his head while he slept.
Murdoc says Kong is driving her bonkers. He says she won't be around for long.
2D doesn't want her to leave, even if she is slowly going mod
Mad.
Russel says that last night he found Murdoc and Paula together in a bathroom stall. Murdoc is at the quack's getting is nose bandaged up. Paula left during the night.
2D doesn't believe him. He goes to her room and finds it empty.
He feels sick and angry and betrayed but most of all abandoned. Murdoc had stolen her, his parrot.
It's PAULA
PAULA PAULA PAULA
Not that it matters anymore.
Not that anything matters anymore.
2D is crying. He has no eyes, but the tears are dripping hot and fast down his face.
She was all he had left. She was the only real thing left. And now she's gone.
The crate is large and has the word FRAGILE written in big block letters. It has small holes on the side.
A little kid emerges from it.
The child is minuscule and cute. Russel says it's a girl.
The little girl only says "Noodle". She doesn't speak any English. No one understands her.
No one understands 2D either.
But she can play guitar and likes watching zombie movies with him.
She doesn't think there is anything wrong with him.
He's always wanted a baby sister.