Running On Empty
Prison gates won't open up for me/
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
From the trees I watch my mother weep. She's in a black dress, and not the kind that you wear because you feel sexy in it. No, she's not wearing it as a fashion statement. On one side is Billy Black and on the other my brother. Both in black pants and white shirts. Her sobs rides on the back of the wind, reaching my shadowy retreat. I can feel my own tears creeping up on me.
So I run.
The cold harsh wind whips through my fur. I feel like a yeti. I know I'll have to get my hair cut to make moving in wolf form bearable. Cut my hair. My hair that I grew for years, until it reached my waist.
It was my fault.
Sure it was a shock when Seth turned into a wolf, but he was a boy. It was expected. The burden was carried by male line of the Quileute Tribe. When I turned it was too much to handle, the shock had been to the extent of a heart attack. I felt sick. Seth, Jacob and even Sam had tried to tell me it wasn't, but I could hear their thoughts. There was still a small part of them, that felt the same way I did. Guilty.
At least now I knew why Sam had left. He had no choice. Imprinting. I think I preferred it better when I thought he was a sleaze ball. It made it easier then. He looked like the villain and I looked like the victim. Now the roles were reversed. I was the shrew that couldn't help thinking bitchy thoughts, and he was the wolf that had no choice.
I stop running when I reach the river. I look into the clear water, to see my reflection. Long grey fur and watery black eyes. I growl and look away. The face of a monster. I slump down on the white pebbles and fallen leaves. Transforming back to human form.
As dusk looms over the forest, for once I badly wish I can feel the cold breeze against my skin. I let the wind blow my hair around like a black twister, fully aware of leaves falling on my back. Maybe if I stay here long enough, the leaves will cover me whole and when I surface again things will be back to normal.
I stir when I hear noises. The sound of footsteps crunching on fallen leaves on the forest bed. It first sounds like four footsteps, but quickly turn to two. A wolf. Or someone who decided to stop crawling, but the scent gives it all away.
"Leah," the voice says, and I feel a sudden sense of humiliation and irritation. It wasn't like he hadn't seen me naked before, because he had, only this time he doesn't have an invitation to. No doubt Emily will find out about me acting like a wilted flower - all pathetic, Leah. I pretend the nakedness doesn't bother me. He's probably naked too, now that I think about it. I refrain myself from looking back at him. He is my cousins now, after all.
"What do you want, Sam?" I keep my voice nonchalance. The air of a women pretending she doesn't give a damn.
"Where are your clothes?" He asks.
"I don't know." I roll my eyes and shrug. I don't know. Probably all over La Push. They'd exploded into confetti after I'd transformed in a moment of anger.
"C'mon. Lets get you home," he says. He's acting all macho, but his voice is laced with pity. I want to punch him.
"I don't need you to hold my hand," I reply. I'm quiet proud of myself.
"Leelee-" This time I do look at him. A look that shuts him up mid-sentence. He has no right to call me by that anymore.
"I'm sorry about your, father," he finishes. I don't reply this time, but just look at the freckle on my forearm.
I feel something flutter beside me. A white shirt. I stand up, brushing myself off mindlessly, ignoring his gift of modesty. I feel irritation at the look of pity and guilt in his eyes, but try not to react to it physically.
"I don't need saving, Samuel." Everyone tells little white lies, but for today it's the truth. Today I don't need him. Today I have finally gotten over him. I'm a free girl.
I walk past him, looking ahead until I'm hidden by the trees. I transform into wolf form and run, as far and as fast as my legs can take me. I want to enjoy my freedom today. Because I know, tomorrow, I'll go back to loving him.
All I need is you/
Come please I'm callin'/
And oh I scream for you