AN: This is going to be sad and angsty and probably not for the faint of heart. Read at your own risk. Dark themes and such.
Ch.1
Tony DiNozzo was sitting at home on his very expensive leather couch, drinking an also very expensive glass of whiskey, not really his style but it seemed fitting, for he had not been himself for quite some time now. Or maybe he had. It was becoming hard to tell what was real anymore. The only thing that was constant was pain. Of course, the very expensive whiskey helped to take the edge off of that. If only Gibbs could see him now he'd be headslapped into next week. And I'd deserve it. For this and all the other things I've fucked up.
If only Gibbs could see him now, staring down the barrel of his gun. But if Gibbs were watching this that would be melodramatic which was not really his style. Not that he knew anymore. He hopped his father would hear the news; he would hear it and blame himself with any luck. One last fuck you to the man who had made his life a living hell. Now that, that was definitely his style.
He should be scared, nervous at least, but he wasn't. Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo doesn't get scared. I've jumped out of airplanes, dead-dropped onto aircraft carriers, and I've killed people. I've gotten the plague, kissed a transvestite and been tortured by the best the Middle East has to offer. No I don't get scared. Not scared, but perhaps hopeful. Maybe he wanted someone to burst through the door, see the gun in his hand and beg him to stop. But that wouldn't happen. Only in the movies he loved so dearly. There would be nobody to stop him.
To think it all started with a case. One god-damned case had torn his life apart. If only it hadn't been him to get the first call at three A.M that night. It could have been any other team, hell they didn't even half to call NCIS. Maybe if they would've called someone else he wouldn't be considering eating a bullet. Maybe two lives could have been saved. But they called him. Life really was a bitch sometimes. Looking back, there was so much that could've gone differently. So much he could've done better. But it was too late now, and hindsight was always 20/20.
-One week prior-
It was nearly three in the morning and Tony was woken out of a fitful sleep by the sharp ringing of his cell phone which was charging next to his bed. This wakeup call beat waking up from a nightmare screaming by just a few seconds and for that Tony was thankful. A phone call was easy to explain to whatever girl he picked up at the bar, screams not so much. Not that it mattered tonight, since he was sleeping alone. That was becoming the norm for him, although he'd never admit it.
"Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo" he answers groggily. The response from the other end of the line woke him up immediately. "I'll be there as soon as I can." As soon as I can and I still might not be fast enough.
Not having time to be picky about his choice in outfit he pulls on a pair of jeans, a plain white t-shirt and his NCIS windbreaker, forgetting just how cold it was in D.C. during December. He calls Gibbs as he runs out to his car, shivering the second he steps out into the cold. Gibbs answers on the third ring and was predictably angry for being woken up at 3 AM.
"What the hell do you want DiNozzo?" Gibbs snaps, and Tony was sure that he was glaring at the phone.
"Navy Petty Officer snapped. He's got his kid and wife at gunpoint. They want us to talk him down or take him out. I'm on my way to the scene, local LEOs have handled it so far." Tony says then gives him the address and a few other necessary details before he hangs up.
He didn't usually get nervous about his job, he was Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo and he didn't get scared. But there was a kid involved. Being held at gun point by his own father. Hopefully Gibbs would get here fast because he wasn't sure if he could keep it together. He gets out of his car and goes to the first cop he sees, and is then pointed to the man in charge.
He introduces himself quickly, just a flash of his badge, and no more pleasantries are exchanged. It's pretty damn obvious he wants to get down to business. The man in charge, a short little man with a military haircut who strongly resembled a bulldog, gives him all the details they have on the case.
"The guy thinks his wife cheated on him, went totally nuts. Got a gun swinging back and forth between the wife, the kid, and his own head." The cop relays all the informational quickly and surprisingly calmly. If Tony had to guess he'd bet that this wasn't the first time the guy had been in a situation like this.
"Where's he got them?" Tony asks, noticing that the house was already swarming with police officers.
"In the kid's clubhouse in the back yard. He says if anyone comes farther than the back porch he'll take out the wife."
"Names?"
"Gunman is Petty Officer Gregory Harris. Wife's name is Julie, the kid is Daniel."
Tony nods and walks through the house onto the back porch with the cop trailing behind him by a couple feet, the man unable to keep up with Tony's long strides.
"I'm going to talk him down, it's what you wanted NCIS to do isn't it?"
The cop doesn't really have an answer for that, not that Tony would've let any local LEO's tell him what to do after they called him at three AM anyways. He takes a step closer to the steps that lead to the backyard, where the child's clubhouse resides.
"No closer or I'll kill her!" Harris calls out, his voice carrying remarkably well.
"Just take it easy, I'm staying right here." Tony says, speaking loud enough to be heard but in a calm and even tone. The last thing he wanted to do was piss this guy off.
"What do you want then?" Harris asks.
"Just want to talk, sure would be easier if I didn't have to yell across your yard." He says cautiously, wanting to get closer but not wanting to provoke him. He hadn't handled one of these situations since he was a cop in Philly but it was coming back to him as the situation demanded it.
"You're not coming any closer unless you want a close up of this bitch's brain!"
"Petty officer, I'm unarmed and I just want to talk." Tony says rationally. If he could just get in there he could make sure the wife and kid were ok. It would be a small step towards talking him down but anything was progress at this point. He couldn't just let the guy kill his family, especially since a kid was involved. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he didn't get the kid out alive.
"You know what, if you can get all the police out of my house, you can come in here."
Well, Tony didn't very much like that compromise but he was going to have to work with it, He calls over the guy in charge once more and explains Harris' demands. Unsurprisingly the cop hated the idea almost as much as Tony did. It was stupid, uncalculated risk that might end up getting a federal agent killed and making no progress at getting the family out alive. For some reason Tony would never be able to understand, the plan was approved. Tony hands over his weapon to one of the cops, telling him with a dead serious face to take good care of it. The cops tape a tiny microphone to his chest under his shirt so that they could hear what he was saying and then the house was emptied, all the cops taking residence on the front lawn.
Tony walks back out onto the back porch his hands shaking slightly from the cold and nerves so he shoves them into his pockets to hide it.
"Harris, all the cops are out, can I come over now?" Tony calls out.
"Jacket off, hands up, spin around slowly; I want to see that you're unarmed."
Tony nods slowly and complies, dropping his jacket onto the railing of the porch, putting his hands in the air and turning in one slow circle. "No weapons. Are we good?"
"Yeah. You can come over, real slow, no sudden movements."
Tony moves to pick up his jacket but is quickly stopped by Harris yelling from inside the clubhouse. "Leave that there."
He swears under his breath, knowing that he would freeze wearing only a thin t-shirt but leaves the jacket anyways. Moving slowly he walks down the porch steps, keeping his hands slightly raised, and walks across the snowy yard to the clubhouse. The damn thing looked like Harris had built it himself; it certainly wasn't anything you bought from a store, it looked about big enough for Tony to stand up in although anyone bigger would probably have to crouch. He was sure that once inside it would be crowded and cramped.
The door swings open from the inside, and Tony takes a step inside. The child had opened the door, and Harris was crouched in the corner using his wife as a human shield. Damn coward. The space inside was larger than he expected, it was about the size of his bathroom at home and if he stood near the door there was at least eight feet between he and Harris.
"Daniel, move away from the door" Harris growls harshly, and Tony can see the boy flinch at his tone.
"Take it easy Petty Officer; you're scaring your kid." Tony says calmly.
"How do I know he's even mine?! This slut has been screwing every guy on the block!" Harris says, jamming the gun into his wife's neck.
The wife stiffens and lets out a shrill cry, only to be silenced by a hard slap to the face. It was all Tony could do to not try and strangle the Petty Officer with his bare hands.
Outside the House (Gibbs)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs pulls up to the house driving even faster than he usually did. It took him longer than he expected to get to the scene but he already knew Tony had beaten him there. He saw Tony's car parked in front of the house along with those of about thirty police officers but there were no other signs of Tony.
He makes his way over to a cop who seemed to be dishing out orders and hears the sound of Tony's voice; he looks around for his Senior Field Agent then realizes it's coming from the cop's radio.
"What the hell is going on here?" Gibbs snaps angrily, the whole ordeal pissed him off to begin with but now he had no idea what was going on with the family or his agent. When the only thing his question gets is raised eyebrows and angry scowls he flashes his badge and ID. "Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. Where the hell is my agent?"
The same cop Gibbs had originally been walking towards speaks up. "He's in the back yard trying to talk down the Petty Officer."
Gibbs gives him one of his signature glares and nearly shouts "And who the hell are you?"
"Sgt. James Mason. We were the first on scene, guy was with the Navy so we called NCIS."
"How long has DiNozzo been in there?" Gibbs questions angrily.
"Almost an hour, he's been trying to talk him down, he's managed to get the kid away from Harris but from what we can tell he's got the gun leveled at his wife."
"Why hasn't he taken a shot yet?" Gibbs asks, wondering why the hell Tony would should the guy at the first chance he got.
"He went in unarmed. Only way Harris would let him in."
"Why the hell would anyone let him do that?" Gibbs growls, thinking that now would be a good time to strangle the cop for letting Tony pull a boneheaded move like that.
"He was the only one in a position to do anything, there was no use trying to stop him anyways. He was dead set on getting in there with Harris."
Gibbs sighs knowing how careless Tony was when his own safety was involved, he also knew that when Tony set his mind on something there was little chance at talking him out of it. Unless of course, headslaps were used but he really couldn't expect the cop to know that, no matter how helpful it might've been.
Inside the club house- 2 hours later- Tony
"Is this really worth it Greg? Do you really want to hurt your kid" Tony asks, glancing over at the small boy who was shivering uncontrollably in the corner of the club house. If the poor kid lived through this he'd probably never step foot in this clubhouse again, and honestly Tony couldn't blame him.
"How many times do I have to say it? He's not even my fucking kid!" Harris yells, causing Daniel to flinch and try and push himself farther away from his father.
"You raised him, Petty Officer, since the day he was born you did everything a father should do for a kid and you're saying he's not yours. What does it matter if he's yours biologically? You were the one with him on Christmases and birthdays, the one who taught him to ride a bike, the one who took him to his first day of school. You still love him don't you? Even if he wasn't yours?" Tony says, on the verge of pleading with the man but still managing to keep a calm demeanor that hadn't broke since he stepped foot inside the club house.
For the first time that night, Tony started to see reason in Harris' eyes, started to see him thinking rationally. Taking this opportunity Tony keeps going. "Let Daniel go inside Harris, the kid's freezing and scared. I'll stay and we can keep talking but just let the kid go. You really don't want to hurt the boy."
"No, I don't but this bitch has to pay for what she did!" Harris says and raises his gun, aiming it at the small boy cowering in the corner.
Tony takes a step in front of the boy, blocking any shot Harris might have had. "Really think about this Greg. You don't want to do this. You hurt this kid and what do you have left?"
"I was starting to like you Tony, but dammit I'll kill you if I have to." Harris says his voice wavering, sounding slightly unsure of himself.
It was slightly unsettling to be on a first name basis with a crazy Petty Officer who was planning to kill his family but Tony didn't let that feeling show in the slightest. Over the past three hours Tony had managed to maintain a perfectly calm and rational appearance while on the inside he wanted to kill the Petty Officer himself. Harris had aimed his gun at Tony quite a few times during the last couple of hours but it was actually sort of a relief to have the gun pointed at anyone but the child. He just wanted to get the child out alive. But now at nearly six in the morning after three hours of standing in the freezing cold wearing just a t-shirt Tony's perfect façade was starting to crack ever so slightly, the only thing holding it together was sheer willpower, and the desire to keep the kid alive.
"Come on Greg, just let the kid go inside." Tony says, his voice cracking ever so slightly on the last word,
Harris sighs heavily and says "Fine the kid goes, but you and the bitch are staying in here."
"Fair enough, I'll stay as long as you need me to." Tony says to Harris then bends down to talk to Daniel.
"It's alright kid, you're going back inside. Everything will be alright, just go back inside the house." Tony says softly, not wanting to further traumatize the kid.
Daniel nods, and runs out of the club house, stumbling through the rapidly piling snow towards the house. Tony breathes out a small sigh of relief as the kid walks away. "That was a good thing you did there Petty Officer. I knew you didn't really want to hurt your kid." He says, feeling just a bit lighter now that the kid was far away from Harris.
Harris nods slowly and looks out the small window of the club house, to see his son nearly to the back porch when a cop emerges from the house and starts towards the boy. In a matter of seconds the Petty Officers features go from perfect calm to rage. "I said no cops in the house!" he roars and raises his gun, pointing at a target that Tony can't see out in the yard but he can only guess it is either the cop or the child.
Tony knows instantly that there is no talking him out of this shot and he also knows that he will be an instant to late when he throws himself at the Petty Officer. There sound of the gunshot echoes through the small space, and even as Tony tackles the Petty Officer to the ground he knows that the shot hit his mark. Call it a gut feeling, but he knew he was too late. Trying to push that thought out of his head he tries to wrestle the gun from the Petty Officers hand with little success. Harris shoves Tony off of him and hits him in the head with the butt of his gun, not quite hard enough to knock him out but hard enough to drop him to the ground. At that moment Tony expected to die, he thought the Petty Officer was going to put one right between his eyes. But he didn't, and that's something Tony would later come to regret.
"I had just started to like you Tony." Harris says, before leveling the gun against his own head. With a final pull of the trigger Harris slumps to the ground dead. His wife who had been shocked until this point starts sobbing in the corner of the club house and it is made even worse when she looks outside and sees the body of her son, lying in the snow with a pool of red around him.
Tony had told the kid everything would be alright. He was wrong. But that hadn't sunk it yet, the only thing he could feel was the dull numbness of shock and cold and for that he was grateful. He was aware of the blood dripping from his head, yet he made no move to stop it, he just sat in the small club house with his back against the wall, the look in his eyes as dead as Petty Officer Harris.
The head wound would not be fatal. But this was the day that Tony DiNozzo died.
(Gibbs)
At the sound of two gunshots all the police start running to the back yard, weapons drawn, Gibbs among them. The first thing he saw was the dead boy laying in the snow, he knew there was no hope for the child, the bullet had went right through the back of his head. The second thing he saw was that Tony was still nowhere to be found. Following the other cops into the tiny club house he sees Harris slumped dead on the floor, his wife sobbing in the corner, and Tony leaned up against the wall with a blank stare.
Gibbs kneels down in front of his agent, slapping his cheek lightly when he doesn't respond in the slightest. He could hear the faint sounds of sirens in the distance and he knew an ambulance was coming, not that Harris or the boy would need it, Of course Tony might, and normally he would argue being sent to the hospital but Gibbs didn't think Tony would be arguing much of anything for the time being; the agent had yet to move from his spot against the wall.
"DiNozzo!" Gibbs says sharply and shakes his shoulder in hopes of getting a response. Tony jerks up like he's been shocked, takes one look at the dead Petty Officer and then at Gibbs and mumbles almost to quietly to be heard "I let the kid die." His words slurred together slightly and he says it all very slowly like it takes a great effort to talk.
"We'll get you to a hospital DiNozzo, that thick skull of yours is bleeding pretty bad." Gibbs says, going on as if he hadn't heard him say anything because honestly his response to what Tony had said was just too painful to say out loud. He knew Tony had done everything he could to save the kid, and yet he also knew that he would blame himself for everything that had happened.
"No hospital…Just want to go home." Tony says softly.
Present time- Tony
He downs another glass of the very expensive whiskey, trying to ease the pain that came with reliving the memory. But it didn't work. It never did. Drowning his sorrows was really not his style. Yet he did it anyways. He'd been doing it every day for the past week. He knew Gibbs had noticed when he came to work with alcohol on his breath, yet he didn't say anything. Nobody did. And Tony appreciated that, he really did. He didn't want to be reminded that he was a coward and couldn't face what his own mind tortured him with. He didn't want anyone's help. Because he hadn't helped Daniel. He still ended up dead in the snow.
Tony picks up his gun, the familiar weapon fitting perfectly into his hand. How many lives had he saved with this gun in hand? Not enough. Now he would take his own life with the same gun. It seemed rather fitting to him. He laid his NCIS badge on the table next to the empty glass and half full bottle of whiskey. He cocks the weapon. No going back now. Don't be a coward DiNozzo. His finger wraps slowly around the trigger. He squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. No more pain, no more sorrows. I'm ending this now. He knows exactly how much pressure he had to put on the trigger to fire, he knows that he could still change his mind at the point. But he can't do it. Not alone.
"I'm sorry Gibbs. I guess I can't save them all."
He pulls the trigger.
No bullet is fired. The only thing coming from his gun is an unsatisfying click. He drops the gun as if it is on fire, letting it land with a heavy thud on the floor. The door to his apartment bursts open.
"Merry Christmas Tony!" The happiest goth he's ever met runs into his house, not yet noticing the scene in front of here.
Ignorance is bliss.. Then Abby takes in the scene in front of her, The tears start to well up in her eyes.
"Oh god, Tony no." she says softly.
Tony smiles, a small, tired, sad smile. "Merry Christmas Abs."