Notes: I'm working on a side story to this, called Dark Matter. I'll just call this the Cosmic-verse. I've never really had to work with verses before, so let's see how it goes. No particular pairings in focus, though Remus/Sirius is prevalent. Feel free to point out any mistakes.
Warnings: slash, vague sexual scenes (including dubcon, cheating, position of trust), angst
Summary: Sometimes, there is no forgiveness, particularly not in yourself.
The Singularity of a Black Hole
The core of a black hole is a singularity. It has no length, width or height, but immense gravity - so immense that even light cannot escape it.
This is where Sirius finds his thoughts leading as he sits in the library, staring at the faded, flaking wallpaper. It was hand-painted by Chinese muggles, more than a century ago, and he remembers his mother's talks about the muggles being good for one thing, and that was labour. Sirius wanted to say something about stars and how muggles had been better at mapping them out, making more powerful telescopes than wizards could, just with their science - but he knew better.
He remembers Remus's enthusiastic rambling about science and stars and the cosmos and the universe and goddamn everything, but it all passed through one ear and out the other. All but the black holes. Those have stayed with him for a long, long time. Whenever Remus starts talking about them, he pretends not to follow, but he knows as much as Remus does about them, if not more. It would surprise them all - Remus, James and Lily - since when has Sirius cared about anything but flirting-slash-sexual harassment? He's not stupid, they say, and yet, they have more faith in Peter than him, even though Sirius is obviously the more talented, more than even James. He got the Animagus transformation first. He is building an enchanted motorcycle, while all James does is coo over Lily as she throws his declarations of love back in his face, although now it's with her physical tongue rather than insults.
He feels guilty for thinking like this. It's like he's living up to his name, letting the shadows of his heritage cling to him, so he refuses to speak of it, and when Remus asks if he's all right, it's easy to dismiss him and think that he's asking whether Sirius is the secret keeper and no he isn't and it hurts that he's not even if he suggested it. When Peter starts disappearing, it's easy to think that it's because of a girl, but when has Peter ever had a girl, and Sirius might have insulted him about it except for Remus's eyes shining in the moonlight as he thrusts into him, the stubble burning against his cheek whispering he's not a girl, either, so he keeps his silence with loud words and laughter, and no one ever notices the Black creeping into his eyes when they're not looking, and he just keeps wishing they'd see, keeps waiting for the accusations.
They never come. At least, not while he expects them.
Remus is the first to go. He's blamed for having the greatest affinity to darkness, and Sirius keeps his mouth shut, even as Remus's accusing stare follows him down the hallway. He knows that it's a load of crap if he's ever heard one, as he's a Black and of the darkest family there is, right there in the range with Slytherin and the Gaunts - Sirius hated the lessons he had before he ran away from home to live with James, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know them. He knows them oh so well, and they keep simmering in his mind, and who can really blame him if his laughter isn't quite as genuine as it was when he was happy after his sorting, elated after sex with Remus, or after running away from home? He remembers the worry on James's face as he laughed himself to tears, remembers James moaning when Sirius writhed atop him on the bed, remembers James's guilty, flickering eyes and Remus's glances, how Moony had tackled him to the ground that full moon.
Sometimes he wonders if he ever did escape the Black.
-
Back then, he had been a star - he burned everything in his proximity, but he shone. He was on the way to becoming one of the best Aurors in the department, despite the background checks and evaluations he had to suffer through because of his heritage; Auror Moody - arguably the best Auror ever - had taken him under his wing, and James was his partner. He smiled and laughed and let his viciousness slide out during assignments - one and another darker spell wouldn't register on the department's radar, especially not in a wartime duel - and if James sent him a few looks, Sirius would grin and his friend would shake his head and think, 'who can blame him?' What exactly he couldn't be blamed for was unclear, but it was what James repeated every time they slept together, what he told Remus every time he couldn't meet his eyes. 'He's Sirius. We have to take care of him.' As if he was a poor animal, unable to care for himself.
When he lies next to Remus and still hears the agonising screams of a Death Eater under a blood-boiling curse of Black design - remembering how he felt when the mask was ripped off, seeing Regulus staring back at him, looking hateful and avenged all at once - eyes telling him that he's lost already, living up to his bloody heritage.
He's starting to think that he really can't take care of himself, if only because he doesn't feel like it anymore. He's seen so much, it's only a matter of time until he succumbs to his blood and either implodes or explodes.
Sometimes, he can hear the shadows whisper in broad daylight.
He loves Moony, he tells himself. He does. But as Remus holds his shaking body in the night, telling him how everything is going to be all right once the war is over, if only it'll end soon, and he doesn't believe Moony even if he really loves him - the Black is already in him, and he wants to rip everything apart and diffuse it in darkness and make it all go way and he's starting to wonder whether he's Remus's Romulus. It will never be over, but Remus doesn't understand that yet. Sirius hopes he won't have to.
-
When the time for betrayal does come, Sirius knows what Remus would say if things were normal. He'd give him a dry look and say, 'Et tu, Brute?' and James wouldn't get it and Peter would laugh even if he didn't get it and Remus would shake his head as Sirius hid his face in Remus's lap to make people think he was hiding his laughter, but only really wanted to push his face into Remus's crotch to make him remember what they did the night before and Sirius was the one being hidden in, for he blushes so prettily.
And yet, when he hears those words whispering through his mind, the ground around him is soaked with blood and Brutus has disappeared after his deed, putting another in his destined prison.
-
Cold.
The Black grows louder.
He doesn't want to listen again, but it's so cold, so cold, and if he just shrinks together and let the black surround him like a shield and cover him in anger and rage and determination, the cold can't touch him.
Brutus.
If only he hadn't listened to the voices screaming for revenge.
Peter.
The Grim is an omen of death, and he's coming.
-
Remus had believed him, despite being declared his hope's Romulus a decade ago. Sirius isn't sure whether to be happy or blame him for having believed them, but when he hated Remus for his darkness and his own darkness and James's bedside manner he wasn't much better, so he doesn't say anything. He knows how easily logic and faith and trust will fade in the face of adversary.
He hadn't planned on meeting Harry. His godson, and isn't that a strange thing, to see that the tiny baby of his godson isn't the right Harry anymore, even if that was the one the name belonged in his mind for so many years of cold and despair and hatred. Harry is growing up. Harry is young and naïve and has the mien of a badger and a narrow-mindedness fitting the House of Black, although admittedly to the other extreme; and yet, Sirius can't help but love him because he's James and Lily and bright and warm and safety.
When he flies off, he lands in theirforest to wait for dawn. Remus arrives the day after. They lie naked on the moss for hours, even if it's chilly and Sirius hates bugs, but it's all worth it to explore Remus's new scars and taste his tears and swallow his cries in the night.
He leaves without saying goodbye.
-
He hasn't imploded yet.
The tropical birds' cries linger in the air, and he finds that they overlap his beautifully. He doesn't want to leave, but his mind keeps him awake and restless, so he does anyway.
-
Harry's just starting his fifth year. Sometimes, when the light is just right, Sirius has to look away because James is staring back at him.
A few days later, window open to the summer heat as the streetlights casts a faint shimmer across their skin, he looks so much like James when Sirius swallows his cries in the night.
And he explodes, a faint whisper of "James" haunting them both.
Harry doesn't look up even once that day.
-
They have all noticed. He's going crazy, being shut up in the townhouse, and otherwise encapsuled in the Black Grim. His shaggy hair, in the golden days his pride and joy, grows shaggier by the day, and even if he sometimes does shag Remus, he just can't be bothered to eat or sleep or read or think. James's eyes turn into Lily's in his dreams, and he wakes up with dreadful screams, feeling the taste of Harry's tears on his lips, and Harry still crawls into his bed during the Christmas hols, but all he can do is hold him and whisper 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry', listening to Harry's whispers of 'It's all right' and 'I'm here' and 'I love you,' and perhaps someday they'll believe it.
-
As strange as it sounds, even in his own mind, he has missed Bellatrix. Sometimes, he just needs someone to hate him as much as he hates himself.
He doesn't blame her for what happens, even if he's surprised. His skill as an Auror has had a steep decline, so he shouldn't be. It's not like it was a mortal spell, even - they'd always hated each other, but the Blacks had imprinted the importance of family on them since they were born, as they were few and wanted the family to live on, no matter what means had to be used.
As he falls, knowing exactly where he is and where he's going, the only thing he blames her for is taking him away - and he sees James's face and Lily's eyes fade into agony as he lets himself be carried into the darkness he's been waiting for all his life.
He hopes Remus will take better care of him than he ever did, and silently tells them not to mourn. He's leaving, and he takes all his baggage with him.