MacSHHH!
Reginald: And now for scenes from Shakespeare's classic tragedy, Mac-
Whole cast: (storms onstage, shouting) NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!
Reginald: What!
MacDuff: What are you thinking, saying that name in a theater? You want someone to get hurt?
1st witch: Couldn't you have left it at "Shakespeare's classic tragedy" and let the audience figure out which one?
Reginald: Oh, that. Really, I thought we were all too cultured and sophisticated for silly superstitions like that. Rest assured, no one is going to get hurt just because I say the name Mac-
Whole cast: (sputtering) SHHHHHH!
Reginald: (mops face with handkerchief) Very well, then. Places, everybody. (exeunt cast) Set crew, could you please remove the scenery?
Crewmember 1: WHAT!
Crewmember 2: Remove the scenery? We worked so hard on that!
Reginald: How many times have we been over this? Shakespeare's productions in the Globe Theater never had any scenery, and we are following that tradition.
Crewmember 2: Well, we're not following the tradition of men playing women.
Reginald: Shh! They don't know that!
Crewmember 2: Right. (Crew exeunt, removing scenery, with much muttering and complaining.)
Reginald: Ladies and gentlemen, now that we have that settled, I am proud to present highlights from Shakespeare's tragedy… MacBeth.
Whole cast: (gasps of horror)
Reginald: Oh, put a sock in it! We begin after our tragic hero has just won a critical victory for Scotland, thus earning him the position as third in line for the throne.
(Reginald steps aside to his armchair, as witches enter.)
First witch: Where hast thou been, sister?
Second witch: Killing swine.
(a drum sounds)
Third witch: A drum! A drum! Mac-
First and second witch: Shhh!
Third witch: I mean, he whose name we dare not speak doth come
(enter MacB)
MacB: So foul and fair a day I have not seen. (notices witches) Speak, if you can. What are you?
First witch: All hail, thou whose name brings a curse on all who speak it. Hail to thee, Thane of Glamis.
Second witch: All hail, thou whose name shall henceforth strike fear into the hearts of actors the world over. Hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor.
Third witch: All hail, Mac-
Second and third witch: Shhh!
Third witch: I mean, all hail, thou who knowest perfectly well thine own name and needst not hear it from me, that shalt be king hereafter.
Exeunt.
Reginald: Driven by his wife's mad ambition, the newly appointed Thane of Cawdor assassinates King Duncan and frames his guards. Those who suspect political foul play flee the country, as do the king's sons, Donalbain and Malcolm. Or, as is the case with the MacDuff family, they face certain peril.
(enter Lady MacDuff, son, and Messenger.)
Messenger: Bless you, fair dame. I am not to you known, though in your state of honor I am perfect. I doubt some danger does approach you nearly. If you would take a homely one's advice, be not found here; hence, with your little ones. To fright you thus, methinks I am too savage. To do you worse were fell cruelty, which is too nigh your person. Heaven preserve you! I dare abide no longer. (exit)
Lady MacDuff: Whither should I fly? I have done no harm. But I remember now I am in this earthly world, where to do harm is often laudable, to do good sometime accounted dangerous folly. Why then, alas, do I put up that womanly defense, to say I have done no harm -What are these faces?
(enter murderers)
First Murderer: Where is your husband?
Lady MacDuff: I hope in no place so unsanctified where such as thou mayst find him.
First murderer: He is a traitor.
Son: Thou liest, thou shag-eared villain!
First murderer: What, you egg! (raises very fake looking rubber knife)
(enter Lady MacB in a bathrobe and fuzzy slippers, carrying a taper)
Lady MacB: Yet here's a spot.
Second Murderer: Hark, she speaks!
Lady MacDuff: (breaks character) What is she doing here?
First murderer: Her eyes are open.
Second murderer: Aye, but there sense is shut.
Lady MacB: Out, I say! One- two -why then 'tis time to do't. Hell is murky. Fie, my lord, fie! A soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?
First murderer: Do you mark that?
Lady MacDuff: Foul whisperings are abroad. Allow me to softly attend to the Lady.
Lady MacB: The Thane of Fife had a wife. Where is she now?
Lady MacDuff: Anon, milady, but thou art in the wrong scene. Return when 'tis thy scene. (leads Lady MacB offstage)
First murderer: Right. Now where were we?
Son: You were about to-
Lady MacDuff: (covers son's mouth)…to let us be on our way. (exeunt Lady MacDuff and son.)
Murderers: Right. (pause) Wait a minute… (murderers charge offstage. Lady MacDuff screams from offstage)
Audience member: Oh, the violence! Tell me when it's over!
First murderer: (steps back out onstage) Just be glad this isn't Titus Andronicus! (exit)
Reginald: That was interesting. And now this time we'll do the famous sleepwalking scene, where we see the Queen's guilty conscience express itself… (enter waitress) What is it now?
Waitress: We can't find her.
Reginald: WHAT?
Waitress: We can't find her. She just sleepwalked off somewhere, and…
(CRASH!)
Lady MacB: (sobbing) All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand!
Waitress: There she is. (goes to lead Lady MacB back to her dressing room)
Audience member: So this is method acting gone bad. Get thee to a sleep clinic!
Reginald: (sits back down in his armchair and clears throat) Shall we continue?
(Enter MacB, wearing a paper crown and carrying what will be revealed to be a plastic toy Star Wars light sabre. Red, of course. MacDuff follows, carrying what will be revealed to be a green toy light sabre. They "ignite" their sabres and begin to fight.)
MacB: Let fall thy blade on vulnerable crests. I bear a charmed life, which must not yield to one of woman born.
MacDuff: Despair thy charm. (starts to struggle with lines) The angel whom thou hast served… ne'er… ne'er told thee the truth about my mother.
MacB: (forgetting what production he actually is in) He told me enough. He told me you killed him.
MacDuff: (completely giving up all hope of remembering his lines) No. I am your father.
MacB: (a la Luke Skywalker) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Reginald: (crosses to roughly usher/ politely shove MacDuff and MacB offstage) I should have never let them watch that Star Wars parody. Anyway, with MacDuff's defeat over the usurper…
Audience member: MacDuff strikes back!
Reginald: Malcolm is able to ascend to his rightful place as King of Scotland…
Audience member: Return of the crown prince!
(enter Lady MacB)
Reginald: … and we managed to get through this without anyone getting hurt, which just goes to show…
(Lady MacB sleepwalks right into Reginald, shoving him offstage. The resulting chaos and noise wakes her. Utter chaos ensues. Whole cast gathers before the stage, and carries Reginald backstage)
Whole cast: (shouting whenever and however) He's hurt! Get an ambulance! What happened here? (exeunt)
Lady MacB: (freaking out) I KILLED HIM!
(Enter Lady MacDuff, leading Lady MacB offstage. Exeunt)
(Enter waitress)
Waitress: Ladies and gentlemen, due to these unfortunate circumstances, we will be taking an early intermission.