Missing Forever
"You're missing the truth, Himemiya. You're missing forever."
She had only said those words to me an hour ago. I didn't know what she meant then. Missing the truth? What truth? The way I have been living, for as long as I can remember, has always been the truth. My truth, but not 'the' truth. As the dark surrounds me, I sit awake. Thinking, though Utena has already gone to bed. That's how things always are. I hardly sleep. I can't. Before, I thought of my meaningless existence. My life, which meant all to others, but nothing to me. No, I never asked for this. But I can't say I don't want it. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to want.
"Don't answer me as the 'Rose Bride,' answer me as a friend."
A friend? I answered her. Only because she told me to. It was then that I wasn't sure how to feel. And though I am still not sure, I want to release something. Something I haven't felt in my eternal soul. A stir, the way I feel whenever she touches me. To pat my back, or when she casually brushes past me. And I can't. I can't explain why. Is it because she treats me as an equal? Or that to her, I am not a possession? She never has seen me as the key to revolutionize the world, as an object, or as a slave to her every desire. From the first day, she has only wanted to protect me. And I don't know how to deal.
"I won't let anyone harm you, it's not fair. for you to live like this."
If only she knew. She says these things. They all seem just and fair to her, but to me, are nothing. I look up to her, sleeping on her bed. Contrary to me, she seems to sleep. A lot. The duels really wear her out. All because. of me. At first, she had wanted to become a prince. I know. Now she says, it doesn't matter if she finds her prince or not, because she will always have me. A lump arises in my throat, at just the thought of her voice. When she speaks to me. I fall captive. I feel in places I never knew existed. And though I don't want to admit it, in places I wish didn't exist. In places that others abused when they owned me. But she never touches me. Ever.
She is scared to touch me. If she loves me.
She doesn't want me to think of her like the others. The duelists who used me in ways women shouldn't be used. But if I wanted her to touch me, then would she? I have to tell her. She wants me to express myself, to tell her things that I think. And though I know she wants it, and I want what she wants. I tell her nothing. I want to tell her to stop. This dueling, everything. I don't want the revolution to happen. Not this time.
The only revolution I want. Is one with her.
"Utena-sama?" I finally ask into the dark, hoping that she will hear me if she isn't fast asleep. She rolled over in bed, rubbed her eyes and looked at me with concern. The same glance she always gives me.
"Himemiya? You're still awake?" She immediately asked. She knew I would be, and I knew she would ask. Every time she asks, she hopes for a different response. A real, honest response. This time, she will finally get what she wants.
"I can't sleep." I whispered, not looking at her, though I know she can't see me anyway. Just, the thought of her bright blue eyes. Staring me down with raw emotion.
Emotion. Something I don't have.
Upon hearing me say that, she immediately climbed out of bed and sat next to me. Feeling something unusual about my expression. I wasn't blank. I wasn't empty.
I was depressed. Lost, and confused. I think they give this mix of emotions a word. And I think it is 'Love.' Don't, just don't ask me why..
"Why? What's wrong?" Through the dark air I could feel her concern. Why does she always care for me? Why? How come she couldn't make this easier for me.?
If she could be just like the others. Then I wouldn't have to think about feeling this way. Because I never could. They forced me to touch them. To give in to them. To lie still, as they pleased themselves. And because of it, I don't know how to please anyone else.
"I can't. I want." I can't tell her. How do I put to words, the way I feel when she says my name? The way I feel when she looks at me. Smiling. Or when she laughs. That laugh.
How do I put to words, the way I need to feel her? I've never had the urge to touch someone. Anyone. The way I want to touch her. I want to feel her body against mine, so I can cling to my protector. To feel safe from the world.
A soft hand laid itself on my shoulder. To her, it was a gesture of kindness. But to me, it was all I could ask for. Finally, I looked up at her. The only light was provided by the moon, shining in from the window. Every highlight of her face is beautiful. Her hair, eyes. yet she looks sad. Sad, for me. Part of me wanted to scream. To scold her for caring about me. This isn't. This isn't supposed to happen.
As a surprise to her, I let my long, violet locks down. The curls flowed past my shoulders, swaying to a halt. She stared at me, for a long time. I couldn't tell what she was thinking. But all I want. My life starts now.
I saw the uncertain look in her eyes. She wanted this. But she too, was frightened. For different reasons, but she was scared of losing me, I know that much. Thinking I wouldn't love her back, simply because she owns me. And I wouldn't, if only she had treated me the 'right' way. But instead, she chose to love me. So I too, chose to love her.
Utena's face pushed back a little, as I leaned in closer to her. She tried to resist at first, but she soon gave in and allowed my lips to softly brush against hers. Both of us paused, feeling the other's breath on our face. She hardly reacted, save for a slight gasp of uncertainty. Her lips felt. soothing.
I wanted more. I want to feel her kissing me back. Maybe because I'm used to being controlled. All I know, is a body tightly grasping mine down, for fear that I would run away. This never gave me any feeling. I've always felt nothing. Emotionally, and physically. But now my entire body feels alive.
Her breath is all I can hear in the night. She isn't moving. Shock over took her being. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I need to feel more.
I brought my mouth to hers again, feeling her body melt beside mine. Eventually her eyes closed, and she gave into the warmth of love. Her lips massaged mine, coyly at first, but she was still being hesitant. When my hand came up to caress her waist, she held onto my arm and stopped.
"Himemiya." She froze. Not knowing what to say, or what to do. Her throat sounded tearful. Like she wanted to cry, for lack of understanding.
"Utena-chan." I felt myself whisper. I called her Utena-Chan. Not Lady Utena, or Miss Utena. Somehow, at that moment, I let go of the woman of stature and respect, and embraced my close companion. My friend. My only friend.
Utena was lost, not knowing why I suddenly decided, upon myself to change our relationship. Tears streamed down her face at being called that. But I know deep down, it made her happy.
"Are you sure.?" She still insisted. It never failed. She always wanted me to be happy. I nodded, and brought my body closer to hers. Utena embraced me, in those long thin arms. The shape of her firm muscles held me. In a position I was not accustomed to. She wanted me near her. She didn't touch me in a possessive way, but in a scared way. Scared to let go of this. I embraced her back, finally accepting the way she has loved me, after so long.
"Himemiya.. I love you." She spoke as I felt the tears staining my cheeks. Love. So innocently she said this. I knew she wanted nothing from me. Other than to stay with her, like this. Forever.
I wiped the tears from her face, not feeling like I was supposed to. But because I want to. I want to know that she will love me, like she says. Because that is how I want her.
"I am sure. I want you with me forever, Utena. I have found my truth, and my forever. And it is with you."
I held her hand. Her hands were warm, and damp. She always would sweat when she was nervous. There were so many little things about her I knew. I studied her, constantly. At first, it was my custom. To learn my master, so I could better serve. But Utena. I began to want to know. I want to know her. All of her.
I brought her hands to my waist, enveloping her into a deep kiss. Her breath was becoming ragged and misplaced. She was trying to hide it. Utena tried to compose herself as she felt things she probably only felt in her dreams. But as my hands grazed the skin underneath her shirt she was sighing into my mouth. I want her to enjoy this. I need to do this with someone. If this is the first time I am going to make love, it will be special.
"You always told me to do what I want. And this is what I want." I said, kissing her harder. Now she felt lost. She felt the loss I've felt all my life, because she doesn't know what she wants. And in her kiss was the nobility she always possessed.
"Himem.iya." Utena moaned in the loss of her lust. She struggled as my kisses trailed her neck. I could feel her body tingling against mine. Unbelievable, that anyone could feel this way for me. She said she loves me. And I believe it. My body urged for things I've never craved before, but now I can't think to reason. I can't think.
I just know.
Smoothly she slid herself under me, but it wasn't right. This did not become right, until her body and mine were lying naked against the other.
"I love you, Utena." I finally revealed, as I cuddled myself closer to her. She feels warm, and safe. This is what I've been missing, always. And now that I've found love, I won't ever let it go. I don't love her because she owns me. I love her, because of what she does. The way she cares for me. And now. the way she holds me. Comfortingly.
I can't let go of the conflict, and I know she can't let go of the confusion. Either way. Neither one of us want to let go of this moment.
"I've had to kiss many people. But I've never kissed love." I murmured while falling asleep. Utena stroked my hair, getting her fingers lost in the long strands. I could now finally rest in peace. Reversely, Utena stayed wide-awake, staring at my sleeping figure.
"Even if we part, I swear. I will revolutionize the world.For you, Himemiya."
~*~*~*~*~**~*~**~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A/N- Yeah, I know I was getting writer's block near the end.*typed this at insane hours of the morning* But please R&R, and maybe I'll go back and change the ending later ^^
"You're missing the truth, Himemiya. You're missing forever."
She had only said those words to me an hour ago. I didn't know what she meant then. Missing the truth? What truth? The way I have been living, for as long as I can remember, has always been the truth. My truth, but not 'the' truth. As the dark surrounds me, I sit awake. Thinking, though Utena has already gone to bed. That's how things always are. I hardly sleep. I can't. Before, I thought of my meaningless existence. My life, which meant all to others, but nothing to me. No, I never asked for this. But I can't say I don't want it. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to want.
"Don't answer me as the 'Rose Bride,' answer me as a friend."
A friend? I answered her. Only because she told me to. It was then that I wasn't sure how to feel. And though I am still not sure, I want to release something. Something I haven't felt in my eternal soul. A stir, the way I feel whenever she touches me. To pat my back, or when she casually brushes past me. And I can't. I can't explain why. Is it because she treats me as an equal? Or that to her, I am not a possession? She never has seen me as the key to revolutionize the world, as an object, or as a slave to her every desire. From the first day, she has only wanted to protect me. And I don't know how to deal.
"I won't let anyone harm you, it's not fair. for you to live like this."
If only she knew. She says these things. They all seem just and fair to her, but to me, are nothing. I look up to her, sleeping on her bed. Contrary to me, she seems to sleep. A lot. The duels really wear her out. All because. of me. At first, she had wanted to become a prince. I know. Now she says, it doesn't matter if she finds her prince or not, because she will always have me. A lump arises in my throat, at just the thought of her voice. When she speaks to me. I fall captive. I feel in places I never knew existed. And though I don't want to admit it, in places I wish didn't exist. In places that others abused when they owned me. But she never touches me. Ever.
She is scared to touch me. If she loves me.
She doesn't want me to think of her like the others. The duelists who used me in ways women shouldn't be used. But if I wanted her to touch me, then would she? I have to tell her. She wants me to express myself, to tell her things that I think. And though I know she wants it, and I want what she wants. I tell her nothing. I want to tell her to stop. This dueling, everything. I don't want the revolution to happen. Not this time.
The only revolution I want. Is one with her.
"Utena-sama?" I finally ask into the dark, hoping that she will hear me if she isn't fast asleep. She rolled over in bed, rubbed her eyes and looked at me with concern. The same glance she always gives me.
"Himemiya? You're still awake?" She immediately asked. She knew I would be, and I knew she would ask. Every time she asks, she hopes for a different response. A real, honest response. This time, she will finally get what she wants.
"I can't sleep." I whispered, not looking at her, though I know she can't see me anyway. Just, the thought of her bright blue eyes. Staring me down with raw emotion.
Emotion. Something I don't have.
Upon hearing me say that, she immediately climbed out of bed and sat next to me. Feeling something unusual about my expression. I wasn't blank. I wasn't empty.
I was depressed. Lost, and confused. I think they give this mix of emotions a word. And I think it is 'Love.' Don't, just don't ask me why..
"Why? What's wrong?" Through the dark air I could feel her concern. Why does she always care for me? Why? How come she couldn't make this easier for me.?
If she could be just like the others. Then I wouldn't have to think about feeling this way. Because I never could. They forced me to touch them. To give in to them. To lie still, as they pleased themselves. And because of it, I don't know how to please anyone else.
"I can't. I want." I can't tell her. How do I put to words, the way I feel when she says my name? The way I feel when she looks at me. Smiling. Or when she laughs. That laugh.
How do I put to words, the way I need to feel her? I've never had the urge to touch someone. Anyone. The way I want to touch her. I want to feel her body against mine, so I can cling to my protector. To feel safe from the world.
A soft hand laid itself on my shoulder. To her, it was a gesture of kindness. But to me, it was all I could ask for. Finally, I looked up at her. The only light was provided by the moon, shining in from the window. Every highlight of her face is beautiful. Her hair, eyes. yet she looks sad. Sad, for me. Part of me wanted to scream. To scold her for caring about me. This isn't. This isn't supposed to happen.
As a surprise to her, I let my long, violet locks down. The curls flowed past my shoulders, swaying to a halt. She stared at me, for a long time. I couldn't tell what she was thinking. But all I want. My life starts now.
I saw the uncertain look in her eyes. She wanted this. But she too, was frightened. For different reasons, but she was scared of losing me, I know that much. Thinking I wouldn't love her back, simply because she owns me. And I wouldn't, if only she had treated me the 'right' way. But instead, she chose to love me. So I too, chose to love her.
Utena's face pushed back a little, as I leaned in closer to her. She tried to resist at first, but she soon gave in and allowed my lips to softly brush against hers. Both of us paused, feeling the other's breath on our face. She hardly reacted, save for a slight gasp of uncertainty. Her lips felt. soothing.
I wanted more. I want to feel her kissing me back. Maybe because I'm used to being controlled. All I know, is a body tightly grasping mine down, for fear that I would run away. This never gave me any feeling. I've always felt nothing. Emotionally, and physically. But now my entire body feels alive.
Her breath is all I can hear in the night. She isn't moving. Shock over took her being. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I need to feel more.
I brought my mouth to hers again, feeling her body melt beside mine. Eventually her eyes closed, and she gave into the warmth of love. Her lips massaged mine, coyly at first, but she was still being hesitant. When my hand came up to caress her waist, she held onto my arm and stopped.
"Himemiya." She froze. Not knowing what to say, or what to do. Her throat sounded tearful. Like she wanted to cry, for lack of understanding.
"Utena-chan." I felt myself whisper. I called her Utena-Chan. Not Lady Utena, or Miss Utena. Somehow, at that moment, I let go of the woman of stature and respect, and embraced my close companion. My friend. My only friend.
Utena was lost, not knowing why I suddenly decided, upon myself to change our relationship. Tears streamed down her face at being called that. But I know deep down, it made her happy.
"Are you sure.?" She still insisted. It never failed. She always wanted me to be happy. I nodded, and brought my body closer to hers. Utena embraced me, in those long thin arms. The shape of her firm muscles held me. In a position I was not accustomed to. She wanted me near her. She didn't touch me in a possessive way, but in a scared way. Scared to let go of this. I embraced her back, finally accepting the way she has loved me, after so long.
"Himemiya.. I love you." She spoke as I felt the tears staining my cheeks. Love. So innocently she said this. I knew she wanted nothing from me. Other than to stay with her, like this. Forever.
I wiped the tears from her face, not feeling like I was supposed to. But because I want to. I want to know that she will love me, like she says. Because that is how I want her.
"I am sure. I want you with me forever, Utena. I have found my truth, and my forever. And it is with you."
I held her hand. Her hands were warm, and damp. She always would sweat when she was nervous. There were so many little things about her I knew. I studied her, constantly. At first, it was my custom. To learn my master, so I could better serve. But Utena. I began to want to know. I want to know her. All of her.
I brought her hands to my waist, enveloping her into a deep kiss. Her breath was becoming ragged and misplaced. She was trying to hide it. Utena tried to compose herself as she felt things she probably only felt in her dreams. But as my hands grazed the skin underneath her shirt she was sighing into my mouth. I want her to enjoy this. I need to do this with someone. If this is the first time I am going to make love, it will be special.
"You always told me to do what I want. And this is what I want." I said, kissing her harder. Now she felt lost. She felt the loss I've felt all my life, because she doesn't know what she wants. And in her kiss was the nobility she always possessed.
"Himem.iya." Utena moaned in the loss of her lust. She struggled as my kisses trailed her neck. I could feel her body tingling against mine. Unbelievable, that anyone could feel this way for me. She said she loves me. And I believe it. My body urged for things I've never craved before, but now I can't think to reason. I can't think.
I just know.
Smoothly she slid herself under me, but it wasn't right. This did not become right, until her body and mine were lying naked against the other.
"I love you, Utena." I finally revealed, as I cuddled myself closer to her. She feels warm, and safe. This is what I've been missing, always. And now that I've found love, I won't ever let it go. I don't love her because she owns me. I love her, because of what she does. The way she cares for me. And now. the way she holds me. Comfortingly.
I can't let go of the conflict, and I know she can't let go of the confusion. Either way. Neither one of us want to let go of this moment.
"I've had to kiss many people. But I've never kissed love." I murmured while falling asleep. Utena stroked my hair, getting her fingers lost in the long strands. I could now finally rest in peace. Reversely, Utena stayed wide-awake, staring at my sleeping figure.
"Even if we part, I swear. I will revolutionize the world.For you, Himemiya."
~*~*~*~*~**~*~**~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A/N- Yeah, I know I was getting writer's block near the end.*typed this at insane hours of the morning* But please R&R, and maybe I'll go back and change the ending later ^^