Disclaimer: Touhou Project is a bullet hell video game franchise created by Team Shanghai and ZUN. This is just a fan work and is not related to the original work that brought us little girls who specializes in shooting lasers while wearing frilly dresses and weird hats.
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I woke up with a huge headache and from the racket that was being made outside. I tossed the blanket aside and stretched myself in order to get some energy pumping in me. I'm not really looking forward on what will I'll be doing for today but I have to do them anyway if I want to keep this place maintained.
I looked around in my room and saw everything is in order. Books are on the bookshelf, my laptop is on the desk, my cabinet is closed, the door's shut and a blonde woman wearing a purple and orange tabard over her white dress with a mop cap on her head is currently seated on the chair of my desk, reading a letter that I could have sworn that I didn't have…
Wait, what?
"I must say that whoever is this ROB person, he is quite a troublesome and irresponsible mischief maker." the blonde woman said as she put the letter down on the desk, "I believe that you are its latest victim, no?"
What…
"Such callous beings these ROBs are, displacing you from your homeland and bringing you to this place." she dramatically said while I pulled the curtains aside to look outside.
Oh sweet merciful deities… My neighborhood was supposed to be filled with old houses that have an architectural design that is dated back in the 1960-70s with a small computer shop and a small convenience store in front of my home and a clinic at the side. There are usually cars parked in front of those old houses and old people usually roam around, walking their dogs and talking about stuff that I'm not interested to.
This place however, is not what my neighborhood looks like! In front of my home, a gathering of men, women and children in clothes that I'd see from history books about Japan before the Westerners appeared. They started getting noisier when I've peeked on them from my window with some of the kids with them pointing fingers at me until a blue haired woman in blue and white dress with some kind of a pagoda shaped thing with red ribbons on her head told them to stop. Behind the crowd are wooden huts and houses that you wouldn't see unless you're in the rural parts of Japan or have travelled back in time and a rice paddy, which is the most normal thing that I've seen as of this time since I usually see them all the time. I also saw some little girls flying about in the sky as well, with some of them looking at my direction with curiosity, probably because of my home being out of place in the rural Japan-like setting.
Then it struck me like a thunderbolt. I remembered a conversation that I had with my manager one month ago. He asked me if ever there was a setting I would go into, what it would be, what I would take along with me and what kind of powers would I have. I thought that it was just small talk and I've answered Gensokyo, where little girls throw around stuff with lasers. What I would take along will be my house, with all of my stuff in it since I'm not going to freeload from anyone on that setting and I don't want to be some generic gappy tourist who moves from one house after the other. As for powers, I always dreamed of being able to use magic so I said that along with being able to access some interdimensional junkyard just for the kicks.
Of course I said that I have just as much chances in getting transported to Gensokyo with my house and my powers as I have just as much chance to see mankind going extra-solar before I die on my bed. We both laughed it up and went out along with my other buddies to a restaurant to celebrate a job well done and our manager's announced resignation since he got a better job offer somewhere.
The manager that I've once worked with also saw cases of my coworkers going missing after speaking with him about science fictions and fantasy worlds two to four weeks later. I had a hunch when one of my friends went missing that the manager was a serial killer but I couldn't bring that one up since I'm not really sure about it so I had to leave it be. Strangely, the man had been somewhat wary of me when I've started sniffing about on what happened to the others two months ago.
He suddenly wanted to befriend me after he saw me visiting SpaceBattles, specifically the Creative Writing section that some guy from the internet linked to me. He told me a lot of things about Self Insert fictions and how the forum's writers use the Random Omnipotent Being as an excuse to kick off stories. These ROBs are also well known for victimizing people who managed to get their attention or out of sheer boredom by dropping them off on some fictional setting in order to see them thrive or suffer in it.
He's also been talking about the ROBs for at least once a day whenever a new SI fanfic is posted with me. The people who talked to him at least once about what kind of a world would they like to be into that went missing came back to me. Was he clueing me in on-…
Oh…
Oh my god… What the fuck… Why didn't I realize this until now…
I've been working with a ROB all along for the past two years and I didn't even notice it when he started talking about them. No wonder my some of my coworkers mysteriously disappeared without any trace or a clue. This is a whole new level of nightmare fuel for me since that ROB's out there, probably giggling and getting off on the thoughts of whom he'll be displacing next for his personal amusement.
"Am… am I in Gensokyo?""I asked to the blonde woman who is now standing in front of me. I had to confirm it, even if I know what the answer is.
"Why yes, my dear." that smile that she is wearing promises nothing but mischief and schemes with me as a part of it, "You are now in Gensokyo, and I am Yukari Yakumo, the Overseer of this Paradise.""
I let that last statement sink into me. I got uprooted from my boring but safe and easy life and replanted into a magical tourist death trap filled with little girls who are most likely to eat your guts if you're careless and stupid enough to antagonize them.
"Tell me, do you have a name that I can call you with, my dear?" the gap demon asked my name, might as well give her my name then-.
PAIN!
"HRAAGSJNAVKFAWKFAGAGD!" I can't think of anything aside from my body collapsing and violently shaking on the floor while my mind is getting an instant infodump. I keep seeing words, pictures and diagrams that I have no idea of.
"Oh my, so the part where your body will be undergoing a seizure due to your request has begun." I can barely hear what she said due to the gibberish from nowhere that I keep hearing, "Oh, it seems that the villagers are moving in to get to you. They probably saw you collapsing on the floor." I saw a gap with many eyes and two ribbons on both ends of it, "I believe that we will continue our discussions some other time, most likely when you are not going through this stage and when the villagers are not present. Oh and I've unlocked the doors for you, ta-ta.""
Yukari Yakumo left the building and the villagers came in as soon as the gap is no longer there. My consciousness is slipping as my body is being lifted by them. They stuffed my mouth with some cloth to stop me from biting my tongue and started talking about stuff that I can't make out of due to the gibberish getting louder than before.
I can tell despite my body being wracked by pain, unknown images and gibberish from nowhere that they are moving me to a place where they can properly give me treatment. I don't even understand what they're saying since my mind is too focused on the pain, the gibberish and the images that appear in my eyes like a bunch of popup ads. After a few minutes of getting lifted out of my house and put on a stretcher, I fainted.
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Keine Kamishirasawa is happy to know that the young man that they've brought out from his strange looking house is no longer having an epileptic seizure. The were-hakutaku is quite familiar with the events where occasional outsiders found their way to Gensokyo.
Many of those outsiders are either eaten by marauding youkais while the few who are lucky enough had reached the Human Village where they will be protected and assimilated if ever they decided to stay instead of getting an escort to the Hakurei Shrine and leave Gensokyo for good. She usually conducts classes for outsiders on the rules of Gensokyo and the youkais that dwell in this realm in order to keep them from getting into trouble with some of the dangerous and short tempered ones that roam outside the boundaries of the village.
Outsiders that stays in the Human Village tends to be a great boon to them since the knowledge that they have can benefit the village and the humans. Sometimes, an outsider who manages to get to the Human Village, brought technologies with them and have some knowledge on how to recreate it are quite a rare catch.
The outsider that appeared into the Human Village however, has brought a treasure trove of technologies when he suddenly appeared this morning. While she wished that they didn't do so, the few villagers decided to get touchy with the contents of the boy's house in order to investigate the strange objects and found themselves amazed at them. Knobs that suddenly makes the room colder or warmer at a twist, a box filled with moving images of people, a pad that can be used as a writing device (though Keine is unsure on how will the device put the written works on paper), an ice box that keeps the food within it cold and fresh without using any slabs of ice, a number of switches that can bring light to the room and a strange pipe with an oddly shaped end that can bring forth water once the knob is twisted are the most interesting things that the villagers saw.
By now, the elders are more or less thinking of ways to convince the outsider to stay instead of making a beeline to the Hakurei Shrine and through the border, though she doubt that the person in question would be able to leave since his house is now in Gensokyo and the Hakurei shrine maiden has not been seen for the past months after the incident involving demons getting loose from Makai and acting like tourists.
Keine had to admit that were quite courteous despite being demons.
"Uurgh…" the young man groaned as his slowly eyes opened, "What happened?"
The red eyes of the protector of the Human Village fell to the young man who is slowly waking up.
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I woke up once more, this time my body's no longer in pain and my senses aren't flooded by strange images and obnoxious gibberish. Still, I can't hear anything clearly and my sight's blurry so I shook my head a little and rubbed my eyes. I think I've seen a blue thing coming towards me and heard it say something but all I could make out of it were 'lie', 'rest' and 'exert'.
Maybe aunt came by my house and saw me lying on the ground. I'll probably end up getting forced to go with her to the hospital to get me a diagnosis for seeing me like that.
"Calm…" my vision's getting less blurred now. I think I'm having a hallucination because I swear that I don't remember my aunt having blue hair and red eyes, "Take it easy now…"
I looked around me and saw more beds, some bedside tables, privacy curtains with some of them already drawm out to cover the patient within them and a door large enough to let three or more people through. There's also a window on the opposite side of the door but its curtains are drawn. I must be in the hospital now and that getting transported in Gensokyo must have been a bad dream.
"Fuuuuck…" I massaged my eyes and cussed, the blurred facial expression of the blue blob's head looked rather displeased with me for saying that for a bit, "Where am I?"
"You are in the Human Village's Infirmary." wait, what? "We had to get you here before you end up getting more injured after your seizure." oh fuck.
My cleared vision did not comfort me of what I saw, which is the same blue woman whose name I finally remembered. Keine Kamishirasawa, the Protector of the Human Village, a teacher and the resident were-hakutaku is sitting at my bedside and this place is clearly not the type of medical ward that I see in a modern hospital. I sat up before putting away my blanket, surprising her at my sudden movement.
"Wha…" underneath my blanket, I'm wearing a white patient's robes over my skivvies and white shirt, "Oh God's no… I…"
"I know that it's hard to process what has happened to you for the past hours and you've just suffered a seizure as well." Keine calmly tries to soothe me before I do something really stupid like dart past her, run outside and probably act like a crazed maniac while looking for a way back to my home and to my world.
Luckily for her, I had enough sense not to try my luck in running out on her. She'll probably drag me back here and she's stronger than me. Hell, I don't want to be the receiving end of her headbutt.
"This isn't happening… This isn't happening to me…" denial was the first thing in mind while I try to wake up from my sleep. It's not working and I'm wide awake in the middle of fictional world, "It's real… Everything's real…"
Ironic considering that I'm in a goddamn fantasy sink.
"You must be hungry after lying in bed unconscious for half the day." Keine stood up while my eyes widened over the fact that I was out for that long. I couldn't even believe that I was out for that long, "Not to worry, I will inform the staff that you are awake now and in need of food. Take a rest for the time being." she added before she made her exit.
Keine left the room, leaving me alone to mull on everything that happened to me. My ROB of an ex-manager sent me to this place just because along with my house. I had a bad case of sudden pain and somehow got high on it since I was hallucinating on it for some reason. Then I met two of the entire cast of the Touhou Project series on my first day. Finally, I woke up the second time in the Human Village and on the Human Village's Infirmary.
Wow, my Sunday sucks balls and I think I'm having another shitty day.
The consolation of this entire debacle is that I get to keep my house and I no longer have to move out.
"Fucking ROB…" I wish I could punch him in the face right now. Give him a fucking black eye or two after doing this shit, "Can this day get any worse?"
"Well…" I heard the voice of Yukari, "You were being scouted on by that vampire's maid on her master's orders." I turned my head to the source.
Yukari Yakumo is seated on the empty bed on the left. She's also holding the same letter that she had read this morning, only this time it is folded. She's also wearing the same smile that promises a life time of someone getting shat upon once her attention caught by that someone.
"I had to visit the vampire personally and told her that you are now under my protection." fuck, there goes my plan to remain unaffiliated with any of the youkai big shots in this place, "You don't need to worry yourself too much about the maid suddenly kidnapping you from your home and serving you up as that vampire's food." she said that like as if I was some kind of fresh meat- oh wait, they're youkais.
"By any chance, are you referring to Remilia Scarlet and Sakuya Izayoi?" while I'm rather interested on their actual motives, I still don't want to be involved with whatever Remilia Scarlet plans to do.
"Oh, that maid has a name?" the gap demon answered with false astonishment, "And I thought that she was an automaton."
Wow, that's kind of rude. Good thing Remilia isn't here to hear that comment or else she would have taken that insult personally.
"By the way, Theodore Nathan Ebner, I believe that you must read this." Yukari must have read my name from the letter. She gapped the letter to my lap, "While I know that reading someone else's letter is rather invasive, your circumstances had forced me to do so in order to know if you are an actual threat or not." she took out her fan and used it to cover her mouth, "It turns out that your "benefactor" is a bigger threat to Gensokyo than you. I'm not sure what I should feel after finding out about the ROB."
"I do." I can sense her smirking behind that fan of hers, "I felt betrayed, angry and a sense of longing to punch ROB's smug face."
I can hear voices talking nearby, one of them is Keine. There's also the sound of wheels squeaking, must be a cart carrying the patients' dinner.
"Hmmm… the were-hakutaku is going to be back here." she opened another gap on the floor and closed her fan, "Well I guess that this is my cue to leave, Theo dear. I'll be watching you." she then slipped down and entered the gap.
She's as eccentric as she is dangerous and manipulative. I looked at the letter on my lap that came from manager ROB, the bastard that displaced me here. Part of me wanted to tear the letter to shreds but I want to read what that bastard wrote for me and keep the letter for future references.
I breathe deep to calm myself down first, I don't want to blow this up by getting apeshit rip and tear mad at the first sentences. I opened the letter and began to read what that ass of a ROB wrote.
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To my friend and former coworker:
Mr. Theodore Nathan Ebner,
I am pleased to inform you that I have successfully transplanted you from your world to Gensokyo, all of your possessions intact and in place. Your house's utilities such as electricity and water are unavailable as this moment and right now, you're using the backup water tanks and power batteries that your parents installed in your house so you might want to find ways to get some alternative source for those two.
Maybe you could find some alternative power sources from the junkyard that you are able to access or do some research with your magic to create water out of matter. Speaking of which…
Giving you magic isn't an easy task since humans from beyond the fourth wall aren't used to having them and astonishingly, their bodies are emanating an aura that prevents supernatural elements from fully harming them if ever they end up in another realm to a certain extent. The same is also applied to any beneficial effects as well. I really didn't want to turn it off completely but you're going to need powers since the Spell Card Rules are not yet fully implemented and you're an acceptable target to the hungry youkais so I had to weaken it in order to enable you to use magic. If you can find a blue, leather bound book with a pair of keys crossed behind a shield on your bookshelf at your room, you are now a fledgling mage.
Oh and don't worry about turning youkai though, you still have some of that aura left that will prevent you from turning into a youkai magician in that setting.
The side effect of acquiring your new powers however is one time only. You will be in pain since your body's going to be readjusted to accommodate your new powers. You won't die from the pain but it will take you out for half a day. The cause of the pain will be your aura trying to purge your body of the foreign energy like an invasive virus getting attacked by white blood cells.
Finally, the current date of Gensokyo is February 4, 2001. As I've said before, the Spell Card Rules are not yet fully implemented so you might want to keep your head down for a while and try not to get into too much trouble with the residents. It's up to you whether you want to become some hotshot incident resolver, some background character, a Mary Sue or whatever, just stay safe and be careful.
Have good and long life in Gensokyo, old friend.
Your former manager,
Robert O. Basanto
P.S. I had to instill into you the knowledge of being able to speak Japanese but you'll have to learn how to read and write Japanese on your own. Oh and if a certain gap youkai is reading this, I would like to tell you that we are unstoppable. No boundaries will prevent us from coming. No barriers are powerful enough to block our path. You are only ignored because we have little interest in you.
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I am really conflicted right now after reading this. He sends people left and right to any dimension at whim. He ruined the safe and comfortable lives of the ones who got ROB'd just to be entertained. Not to mention the fact that I can still remember how many of my coworkers' family, friends and lovers had searched every places that they know of to find the ones that he put in other dimensions out of shits and giggles. Hell, I'm more worried about my aunt finding an empty lot where my house was once standing and her going hysterical after losing the last of her sister's son than surviving Gensokyo.
Yeah, it wasn't a great decade to have Ebner as your family name.
After putting me through his shit, now this bastard started caring and gave me some magic while telling me to stay safe and have a long life? A while ago, I only wanted to punch his face. Now I want to punch his face and then kick his balls repeatedly. This act of kindness will not erase the fact that he destroyed a lot of people's lives just because he wants to entertain himself from our misery and struggles. He wants to prolong his entertainment material and he knows that I will do whatever I can to thrive in this horrible situation.
Fuck you, ROB. Fuck you for everything. On the side note, he has balls for threatening the Sage of Gensokyo like that and can actually back up his threats.
"Sorry to keep you waiting." Keine, along with two women wearing dark green yukata underneath their white aprons and a white armband with a red cross sign on it and bringing in medicine and food on the small, wooden carts. I'll think about that bastard later and hid the letter from sight, "We had to speak with the elders about your awakening and convinced them to postpone your meeting with them until you're no longer in a state of shock."
Elders huh, they must be the ones in charge of keeping the village up and running. My appearance must have made them really anxious about me being some kind of a youkai or if the fluff's correct, they saw me as an opportunity to gain more knowledge about the Outside World and how to incorporate it to this place. I'm not blaming them for looking into them since youkais are scary as fuck and who wouldn't want to live comfortably? They probably heard a lot of stories about the Outside World from the outsiders that decided to stay here.
"So uh… when do I get to leave the hospital, Miss Kamishirasawa?" I asked the were-hakutaku/teacher, "Not that I'm in a hurry or anything, I just want to know."
"Well the doctor who is in charge of you can't be too hasty about letting you off without giving you a series of medical checkups." she smiled at me as she took one of the trays filled with food on the cart and signaled the two to attend on the other patients, "You might be able to leave this place before lunchtime."
She put the food tray on the end table first and opened the compartment underneath it and took out a small table that can be used when a patient's on bed. I've seen this in some anime back in the 2000. I can't remember the name of that anime, let alone the name of the thing. She set up the table thing on my bed and put food the tray on it.
I looked at the dinner served in front of me, which are a plate of rice with two fishes on it and a bowl of vegetable soup. They also provided spoon, fork and knife too instead of chopstick. I guess that they're prepared for outsiders who are not Japanese.
"Thank you, Miss Kamishirasawa." I'm pretty grateful about this. Doubly on the fact that they don't think that I know how to use chopsticks like any generic foreign gappy OCs from fanfics do.
"You're welcome, mister…" crap, I forgot to introduce myself to her. Better fix that now.
"Theodore Nathan Ebner, or Theo for short." there, she knows my name now.
As I eat and talk to Keine about what I will do now, I began to plan on my next move from here on out. The Human Village's elders, Yukari Yakumo and Remilia Scarlet have their eyes on me. Their objectives are pretty much something that I don't know about until I get to properly interact with them. I have an aptitude to become a mage as well but I need help in order to learn more about magic since self-study isn't going to cut it and it's incredibly risky unless I'm Marisa Kirisame. Finally, making sure that my protectorate status that I got from Yukari wouldn't end up with me doing her bidding while holding out that status over my head.
As much as I don't want it, this is my life now and the future is filled with lasers, incidents, youkais and frilly dressed little girls.