-Every Time I Cry-
It was two a.m. in Connecticut. Lorelai was sitting alone in the living room of her new house watching an old black and white movie on TV. Her T.V. the one she bought for her new house, she thought as she watched it. She still couldn't believe that she had bought a house; she was beginning to feel like a real grown up. Her ten year old daughter was at her first sleep over at her friend Lanes house and it was the first night that she was spending alone in her new house. At twenty-six she was starting to think that this was the first night she had ever stayed alone anywhere. She lived with her parents and even if they were away there was always a nanny or a maid or someone in the house, and then she had Rory and moved out and this was her first night in ten years without her there. The thought of being alone was starting to get to her and the noises of the house began to make her paranoid. She calmed herself with the knowledge that nothing bad had ever happened in this sleepy little town, and if anything should happen, Babbette and Maury, her new neighbors had told her to come to them for any reason at any time.
She had just calmed herself down when there was a tap at the door. She slowly got up from her couch and walked toward the front door she could make out the shape of a person through the blurred glass. She picked up the baseball bat that sat by the door as the figure knocked again.
"Who is it?" She called from inside her house.
"It's me Lore, open up." While she knew who it was she wasn't sure that the bat was a bad idea.
"Chris what are you doing here?" She said through the door.
"I came to see you Lore." He said.
"Have you been drinking?" She asked a valid question.
"No, I just came to see you."
"It is two a.m." Lorelai said with a yawn.
"I know and, I am sorry but I had to see you, can I come in?" He asked.
Slowly she opened the door still holding the baseball bat.
"Whoa, Casey put down the bat." He said taking the bat from her hand and putting it to the side as she shut and locked the front door.
"Come on in." She said.
"What is with the bat?" He said nodding towards the bat.
"Well, not too many people show up on my porch at two a.m."
"I see." He said with a smirk.
"What I keep it for protection." She said.
"I see that." He said walking up to her.
"Chris what are you doing here?" She asked. She didn't like him standing so close to her he had a way of making her forget the way it had always been between them.
"I came to see you." He answered brushing back her hair.
"Rory's not here, she is staying at her friend Lanes house tonight." Lorelai said taking a step back into reality.
"That is awfully grown up of her." Chris said closing the gap between them again.
"She is ten, that is what ten year old girls do, they live for sleep overs, and Saved By The Bell but mostly sleep overs."
"Chris what are you doing here and why didn't you tell me you were coming." Lorelai said pacing.
"I am here because I missed you and I didn't tell you because if I did you would come up with some reason why I shouldn't come, last time it was work, the time before that you were going to be out of town it is always something."
"Chris. There is a reason for that every time you show up, you end up leaving and every time, I end up crying." She said giving him a look and sighing.
"No, no, don't, don't do that, don't start already. Just for a second Lore remember, remember that like it or not you love me."
"You know that I do, and that is dangerous information for you to have. You know I will always love you because you are her father but, I don't love you…that way…anymore." She lied.
"Something tells me that you are saying that but you don't believe it."
"Chris seriously, I can't…" She wasn't able to finish before his lips were on hers. She fought it for a fleeting moment and then gave in, she missed him. He led her back to the sofa and laid her back his body resting in line with hers. She knew she shouldn't be allowing this, she knew she had to stop him before they went to far, but there was that piece inside her, the one that was getting smaller everyday, that wanted to be reckless with him gain. She felt his hands on their way under her shirt and she snapped back to reality.
"Wait!" She said stopping him and pushing him away.
"What, what's wrong."
"We can't do this." Lorelai said sternly getting up and walking over to the window.
"What do you mean, Rory's not here…" He started.
"She is exactly why we can't do this Chris."
"What do you mean she never has to know." Chris said. His words cut her to her core. She knew then that he wasn't there because he wanted to be with her and their daughter, he was there because he wanted a two a.m. romp in the sack.
"You need to go Chris." Lorelai said walking over to the door.
"What, why. I just got here, I wanted to see you and Rory, I at least want to stay to see Rory tomorrow." Chris said.
"Fine, Chris I will call the Inn and set you up with a room, but if that is what you really want you are not staying here." Lorelai said.
"What? Did I come on to strong? I'm sorry, Lore, I miss you…" Chris said.
"And what about Rory? Do you miss your daughter much?" Lorelai said angered.
"Of course I miss her, she is my daughter." He said.
"Really, and what fatherly things have you done for her thus far in her life?" Lorelai asked him.
"Lorelai, come on we have talked about this, we agreed on this, you know she is better off without me here. This isn't who I am…"
"And you think it is who I am? You think having a ten year old kid at 26 was my life goal? I wasn't made for this whole mother thing. Half the time I am positive I am screwing her up beyond repair. I try my best and I do what I can but being a mother wasn't who I was going to be. But it is now. This is who I am now Chris, this house, my job, and above all else Rory is who I am."
Chris sighed.
"I just thought we could, be together like old times." Chris said.
"Gee…I wish that too…but…we have a kid now Chris. Does that thought even register with you? A living, breathing, human life, that depends on us, or at least me for everything. It is my job to make sure that she is safe, and to keep her safe I have to keep her from being hurt. And that is all you do Chris you just make us hurt. We can't just keep doing this. We need someone who will stick around, someone who cares about someone other than himself."
"I don't want to hurt you." He said. "I want to be that guy."
"I know you do, but you also wanted to be the lead singer in Def Leopard."
"I can be that guy." Chris said defending himself.
"I hope you can Chris, someday, I really hope you can. But, right now…"
"What? I'm not that guy. Fine!" He said defeated.
Lorelai looked at him, she couldn't believe he was almost crying.
"I never meant to hurt you Lore, you know I love you." He said softly. "I just…with the baby, and my parents and your parents, and…it all just got so messed up and somewhere along the way I lost you and Rory too. And I am just so sorry." He said to her.
"I know you are." Lorelai said.
"I came here tonight and I was going ask you and Rory to come with me to California." Chris said with a chuckle, he couldn't believe he thought she might say yes.
"California?" Lorelai asked confused.
"I got a job, I am moving to California, I leave tomorrow afternoon, and I was going to ask you to come with me."
Lorelai's heart sank, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. He had moved before but never further than a few hundred miles. The thought of him moving across country scared her, he very well could decide to never come back. The very thought broke her heart, she didn't let him know that she still loved him the way she did, but it wasn't easy to hide it, even ten years after she "let him off the hook." She wondered if that was the right thing to have done, or if she should have married him like their parents had planned.
"What?"
"I realize now, that, that plan falls under the heading bad ideas, in the big book of my life. But, I have to go and I thought, some how I thought that you guys would come with me. I thought you would believe me when I said I could be that guy. I thought I would believe myself. But, I guess I was wrong on all accounts."
She stewed with the information before her for a moment.
"What about Rory?" She asked knowing that the answer he would give would never be good enough. It broke her heart to know that the few times a year he saw his daughter would turn to none with a move like this one.
"That is why I was going to ask you to come with me. I don't want to leave you guys." He said.
"Like you have been the stick around kind before?" Lorelai said in a nasty tone.
"All right!" He yelled. "I get it! I mess everything up! I am the bad guy! Message has been sent Lorelai! But it was you who didn't want to get married and it was you who told me to follow my dreams and to find myself. I tried to be there, I offered to be a part and you turned me down. I understand that now, you are mad that I accepted that, and I left you two alone, but I am trying now okay! I wanted to make a better life for all of us. I wanted to help, I wanted to be there. I wanted to be with you again, and I wanted to be a part of our daughters' life, and that is why I came here tonight and if you aren't okay with that then fine. I will leave again and it will be the same as it has always been. I will send a check once a month and call when I can."
"What?" Lorelai said looking at him.
"I don't know what you want from me Lore…don't know what the hell you think will make this better."
"Chris, I…I…I don't want you to go." She said.
"Okay, fine, I will stay." He said throwing his hands up.
"You can't stay." She said flopping onto the couch and putting her head in her hands.
"Look, Lore, I don't know what to do here. I love you, but we both know I am not a family man."
"I know." She said.
"This job, it is, everything I have ever wanted, and it is the west coast, we always wanted to go to the west coast. I don't want to leave you, and I don't want to leave Rory, but we both know that when it comes to her I tend to do more harm than good."
"No, you don't, you are her pal, she loves you."
"Blindly, just like every kid loves their father, just wait in another couple of years she will hate me for not being there for her."
"I won't let that happen."
"You can't keep that from happening. You will probably hate me too."
"Chris…"
"No, Lore it's okay. You have every reason to hate me, it will be easier if you do."
Lorelai stood and began to pace around the room.
"Why now Chris, why is this the job, why is California the place."
"It just is." He said.
"I don't want you to go."
"We've been through this."
"I know you can't stay. I just don't want to be without you."
"Then come with me." He said.
"You don't know what you are asking. I just bought a house…I have a mortgage…I am a grown up, I have a ten year old daughter who has friends and school and has done without a lot, but is okay with it because she trusts me and knows I do the best that I can. And now, that I have a house, and a good job, and Rory is doing great in school and we are finally getting along well enough that I don't have to worry about how I am going to pay the electric and keep Rory in clothes and food, you decide that now…is when you want to come save us."
"I am not saying I want to save you, I want us to be a family, don't you think we owe that to Rory." Chris said.
"There are a lot of things I think we owe to Rory, but turning her life upside down because it suits you now is not one of them."
"She would adjust, she would make new friends."
"Have you met your daughter? She is terribly shy, she lives in books because she doesn't interact well with real people. She is just coming out of her shell, she has friends, okay friend…but that is better than before and she actually talks to people in town. We are finally okay, we are settling into a routine, I drop her off at school in the mornings and I pick her up at night. We go to town meetings, we are a part of a community, and now, you want us to leave."
"I just, I don't know another way." He said.
"You have to go. You have to go and we have to stay and we have to do the best we can to raise our daughter living on the opposite sides of the country."
"Lorelai…you know I love you."
"I know you love me. I love you too, that is why it hurts so much to tell you no. If you are going to California, you are going without us." Lorelai said as a tear fell down her cheek.
"Don't cry Lorelai."
"Why does this have to be so hard." She whimpered into his arms.
"Because when it comes to us it will never be easy."
She looked at him, knowing that by tomorrow afternoon he would be on his way to California no matter what happened between them that night.
She leaned over and kissed him. It took him by surprise. He kissed her back realizing her logic behind it, if he was leaving tomorrow at least they had tonight.
The sun was bright through her window as Lorelai opened her eyes. She looked over and saw Chris laying there beside her. Maybe last night was a huge mistake, maybe, it would forever change her relationship with Chris but, if only for one night she was back there, in that place with him. Their love was real, and it had been since they were fifteen years old and so it would remain until they took their last breath.
It was the saddest of all happy endings. Loving each other enough to realize it was time to let go. They both knew it was never going to be ideal, and they would never have the American dream family, but they were a family conventional or not.
That morning after Lorelai picked up Rory from Lanes she drove her to the airport in Boston and told her that they would be saying goodbye to Chris that day.
As the three of them stood at that terminal gate Lorelai did her best to hide her pain from her daughter. Chris knelt down to his daughter and said his goodbye.
"All right kiddo, this is it. I am gonna miss you sweetheart."
"I'm gonna miss you too daddy." She said hugging him.
"You be good and listen to your mom, okay?"
"Okay." She said as her tears began to fall.
"I love you Rory. I am only a phone call away okay?"
"Uh-huh." She whimpered.
They announced the final boarding for his flight over the load speaker and Lorelai knew it was time.
"All right. Do you have everything." Lorelai said adjusting the lapels on his jacket.
"Yeah." He said.
"I'm gonna miss you." She said as a tear ran down her face.
"I'm going to miss both of you so much." Chris said as he picked up Rory and hugged Lorelai.
"I love you daddy." Rory said.
"I love you too." He said as he kissed her and sat her back down.
He looked at Lorelai, knowing that this look would have to last him a long time.
As he hugged her he whispered in her ear.
"I will always love you Lorelai." He said.
"I love you too." She said as she kissed him good-bye.
As he walked through the gate her tears fell freely. Rory took her mothers hand and looked up at her and said the most true words anyone had ever spoke to her.
"We will be okay mommy." She said.
Lorelai smiled, she knew that they would be fine. She knew that things would go on the way they had for the last ten years with Chris, it would just take a while for her to mend her once again broken heart.