I want to say that not all challenge fanfics suck. Not all challenges suck. I saw quite a few while "researching" for this story that I positively worshipped. Some of the good challenges are even included. I'm just saying…
NOTE: This is for the "Harry Hermione and a piano makeover sex god Snape I think I prefer them fighting Lupin saw it Percy and Marcus slash crossover with the Illiad you know I love you Hermione the Bounty Hunter Rebecca Foxx I knew I loved you Remus and Sirius remember Severus Snape: Romantic Novelist Regulus Black is Sorted truth or dare what would happen if you had detention with Snape the Hogwarts staff gets drunk sex ed at Hogwarts Lucius wants Hermione married to another secret santa thought that Rowena was intelligent snakes in a fic marriage law Crookshanks seven deadly sins random paragraph the Golden Snitch is snogging Susan Bones Sirius has a confession for Remus Prince Harry's buying a slave Hermione looks into the Mirror of Erised" challenge.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Warnings: Insanity. Swearing. Violence. Sexual things are mentioned. Stories are parodied.
NOTE: There are some references to the other Latin For stories. You may want to read those first, plus there's a brief nod to 'Valentine's Day According to Lavender', but you should enjoy anyways. Have fun! The story jumps to different scenes and don't worry, they are supposed to be sort of unconnected from each other.
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Latin For Challenge
"…write out one hundred times, I must keep the spirit of the law and not the letter…"
-Charmed Life, by Diana Wynne Jones
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"I knew I loved you…" Rebecca Foxx's eyes were shining. One eye was a soft, golden brown color while the other one was a silvery blue. A genetic defect. Not because she was a twin as some had claimed, but because of inbreeding on a massive scale. "Since the moment I met you…"
Draco Malfoy was having a bad day.
He was very uncomfortable with this whole situation. Some girl was confessing her undying love for him, which happened all the time. He could handle it. Even if he had no idea who this person was. Mostly, he was uncomfortable because he was tied to a chair.
"So why do you keep trying to hide your heart from me?" Rebecca asked him in a teary voice.
"I think I could open up to you if you untied me." Draco offered, trying to give her a charming smile.
"Oh, no." Rebecca gave him a sweet smile which made shivers run down his spine. "Last time we tried that, you tried to curse me and run away. This way I can love you forever."
"That was a good try." Harry, who was tied up on a chair next to him, told him encouragingly. "But we've already tried that."
"I'm hungry." Ron, who was tied up in his own chair, next to Harry, complained.
"That's just like you, Ron!" Rebecca laughed. "You're always hungry! I love you so much!"
"Good, while she's distracted with Weasley, I'm going to try and get my chair over to the window." Draco whispered to Harry.
"And do what? Commit suicide? We're in the Astronomy Tower." Harry pointed out.
"Actually, that is my plan. This woman is crazy." Draco told him.
"What are you two whispering about?" Rebecca turned away from petting Ron to give them very suspicious looks.
"I was just saying, Rebecca's one fine lady." Draco told the lie with a straight face. "You're eyes are…so unique."
"Really?" Rebecca giggled and put her hands to her face in a show of maidenly modesty. "They're a genetic defect…because I'm a twin."
"Actually, it's because of inbreeding." Draco corrected her. "You see it all the time in Pureblood families."
"Shut up, Malfoy!" Harry threw his whole weight to one side and ended up knocking both their chairs over.
"It's not inbreeding. Mummy told me it's because of my twin." Rebecca insisted, frowning. "If you keep that up, I'm going to have to feed you to my American Unicorn. That way, whenever I ride him, I'm close to you."
All the boys began screaming like little girls and trying to get away from her, even though it was pretty much impossible, being that they were strapped to chairs, when the door opened. A snake came in the room.
"What's going on in here? I'm trying to sleep." The snake hissed.
"Sorry, this crazy woman's kidnapped us." Harry hissed back. "What are you doing in the castle?"
"It's really cold outside, so I'm hanging in the Chamber of Secrets. I can get rid of this crazy woman for you." The snake offered.
"Yeah, cool." Harry nodded. The snake bared its fangs and began chasing Rebecca Foxx all around the tower.
"This is great, just super." Draco lifted his head. "When's the snake going to use its hands to untie us?"
"Snakes don't have hands, duh." Ron shook his head at Draco.
"I know that you half wit." Draco seethed. "I'm talking about this escape plan, or lack thereof." Rebecca ran out of the tower, the snake hot at her heels. "She'll be back, you know."
"We'll definitely get out of this." Harry really wished he had thought of an escape plan for after the snake got rid of Rebecca, but he wasn't going to admit that he was wrong to Malfoy.
Just then, Hermione and Ginny walked into the tower. They looked at the boys tied to their chairs, looked at each other, and shrugged.
"I don't want to know." Hermione declared.
"We've been looking for you guys for ages." Ginny declared. Actually, Hermione and Ginny had started their search twenty minutes ago. When they saw some random girl running by with a snake hot at her heels, they knew instinctively they were headed in the right direction. "You'll never guess what was just in The Daily Prophet!"
"Naked pictures of Malfoy?" Harry guessed.
"Zabini is dead!" Ginny had just finished untying Draco's hands and he jumped to his feet.
"There weren't naked pictures of you in The Daily Prophet." Hermione told him in a voice that declared she found the whole idea utterly ridiculous. "And why would Zabini have naked pictures of you?"
"Well, we were…that's none of your business!" Draco snapped. "Let's go somewhere else to talk about whatever it is we're going to talk about."
"Wait, are you hanging out with us now?" Ginny asked.
"No." Draco denied.
The whole group went outside, to sit by the shores of the lake and watch other students in the distance. Harry sat down with his back against a tree, but quickly had to move over because although he wasn't with them, Draco couldn't be in the sunlight because he burned something awful.
"So, what was in the newspaper?" Ron inquired.
"The New Marriage Law." Hermione put down a copy of The Daily Prophet. "If you're a pureblood, you have to marry someone who isn't. All that inbreeding has caused some serious problems."
"Like Rebecca Foxx." Harry nodded his head in agreement.
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. We're getting punished for culling out all the weak genetics?" Draco grabbed the newspaper, to make sure they weren't making it up. "The Wizarding World should be thanking us, not telling us to marry Mudbloods."
"I guess this means Snape and Hermione are getting married." Ron teased the bushy-haired brunette next to him.
"Why would that mean that Snape and I have to get married?" Hermione raised her eyebrows. "He's a Half-Blood. It would make more sense if you married him, Ron."
"I guess this means I can't marry Blaise Zabini or Theodore Nott." Ginny sighed.
"Aren't you going to marry me?" Harry asked her incredulously.
"Oh…oh yeah." Ginny recalled sheepishly. "I was just weighing my options. Don't worry, Harry, you'll always be my fallback guy. "
"Oh gee, thanks." Harry rolled his eyes.
"It sounds an awful lot like I'm going to have to marry Harry Potter." Draco put into the conversation in the tone of someone who is terribly put upon. "I guess I'll do it. The bride's family is traditionally supposed to pay for the wedding and nobody wants to take a bride with no family and therefore penniless. I suppose I have enough money for the event. But if the flowers don't match my suit…"
"Um, what?" Hermione looked at Draco with a bewildered expression. "There's so many things wrong with what you just said, I don't even know where to start."
"I'm not marrying you. You're a guy. And why am I the bride?" Harry asked.
"Because you're ridiculously feminine." Draco pointed out before turning towards Ginny. "Do you have any lipgloss, my lips are awfully chapped."
"I'm overwhelmed by your masculinity." Harry cracked sarcastically. "We're still not getting married."
"I'm just trying to obey the law." Draco looked innocent. "No one will take you. I mean, you may be Ginny's fallback guy but…seriously, do you think she needs a fallback guy?" He gestured towards her. "Forget the fact that's she's not blonde."
"Redheads are better than blondes." Ginny tossed her red hair. "And my hair is shinier than yours."
"How dare you?" Draco narrowed his eyes. "No one has shinier hair than me."
"You two are being ridiculous." Hermione scoffed at the two.
"She just doesn't understand." Ginny whispered to Draco.
"It's true. Her hair is the opposite of shiny." Draco nodded in agreement. "It's so…ugh. I'd kill myself if I woke up with that."
"I would commit honorable seppuku." Ginny vowed.
"There's nothing wrong with Hermione's hair!" Ron defended.
"Thanks, Ron!" Hermione looked somewhat dazed by the sudden compliment.
"Oh gross, I hope you two can't get married." Draco wrinkled his nose. "Although I suppose the paper didn't say anything about weasels suddenly being granted rights, so we should be in the clear."
"I'm going to deck you." Ron declared, starting to get to his feet.
"No, come on, let's top arguing about hair or whatever." Harry stopped his best friend.
"Well, it's clear why he doesn't want to talk about it." Ginny commented to Draco.
"Don't have kids with him, they'll have horrible hair. I'll marry him and you can be the surrogate mother. Imagine how beautiful our children would be." Draco offered the younger Weasley.
"I don't think much of this marriage law." Hermione folded the paper. "I mean, people should be allowed to marry who they want to!"
It was then that Snape came around the corner wearing a hideous red tuxedo with a black bow tie and carrying a bouquet of flowers.
"Miss Granger, I need to speak to you." Snape told them, his eyes narrowing at their group.
"You want to talk to Ron." Hermione told him absentmindedly as she began making a daisy chain.
"There's a marriage law and that means we have to get married." Snape informed her.
"Yeah, you have to marry a pureblood, hence Ron." Hermione vaguely gestured towards the tall red-haired boy. Snape stared at her for a moment before taking a deep breath and turning towards Ron.
Ron caught his eye and jumped to his feet before proceeding to run away screaming. Snape didn't seem very put off by this and disappeared to wherever it is that out of character Snape goes to. Maybe WIKTT.
"Poor Ron. You're so mean, Hermione. You know he wants to marry you." Ginny giggled.
"He hasn't proposed so as far as I know, he doesn't want to marry me." Hermione spoke primly as Ron came back to sit with their group, looking shakily over his shoulder. He'd doubled back, hoping to throw Snape off his trail and then figured he might as well sit down with them. "So, besides the ridiculous marriage law, is there anything else going on?"
"I heard Susan Bones is snogging the Golden Snitch." Ron volunteered.
"Unless 'the Golden Snitch' is some cool new nickname for Zacharias Smith, I just don't think it's going to work out between them." Ginny told them.
"Isn't Harry having an affair with the Golden Snitch? That's clearly the only reason he always captures it." Draco folded his arms defensively. "It should leave him. I would treat it right."
"Have you ever thought about learning how to let things go?" Harry questioned him.
"Malfoys hold onto everything. Why do you think we're so rich?" Draco scoffed. "This conversation is pointless. I'm going to go. Pansy's picking out a new bathing suit and she wants everyone's opinion. I've yet to cast my vote. I hope to god she doesn't have her heart set on white. Looks terrible on her but she'll do anything to remind me of weddings. By the way, don't tell her we're engaged, she'll kill you." He walked away from the group.
"Don't worry, I won't." Harry rolled his eyes. "I hate him."
"Then maybe you should stop snogging him in closets." Ginny suggested. "You might be giving him the wrong impression."
"We never did!" Harry insisted.
"It's dinner time." Ron reminded them. "I'm hungry."
"We better go before Ron faints in distress." Hermione warned them. "And then who will not do his homework?"
"But Hermione, if you don't help me, I'll fail. You're smarter than…than..." Ron groped for inspiration. He spotted Luna Lovegood wandering towards the castle. "Rowena Ravenclaw!"
"Actually, not everyone thought Rowena was intelligent." Hermione corrected him. (She wasn't. It was just very easy to appear to be a genius when you hung around Godric Gryffindor all day.)
"If we slip one more challenge into this scene, it'll probably explode." Harry observed, rubbing his chin.
"Percy's fucking Marcus Flint." Ginny stated so suddenly that Ron tripped and fell flat on his face.
"Ginny!" Hermione exclaimed in shock.
"Sorry, I've been spending a lot of time around Nott. He's got such a foul mouth when he's not sn—er" Ginny spied the look on Harry's face. "Snaping. When he's not Snaping."
"What's 'Snaping'?" Ron asked.
"It's probably not bathing and acting like a dick." Lavender Brown commented from behind them and they turned to see her standing there with Parvati Patil.
"Lavender! Since when do you swear?" Hermione looked affronted.
"She's kind of bitter that this story isn't being told from her point of view." Parvati explained apologetically.
"I'm just saying that the writing was totally superior when it was all about me." Lavender gave the sky a look. It was then that Blaise Zabini came up to her, whirled her around in his arms, dipped her back and kissed her so thoroughly that she wasn't able to think for ten minutes straight. Yeah, he has that effect on women.
"Okay, seriously, it's time for dinner." Hermione tugged on Harry's sleeve and the group went inside to enjoy a peaceful meal.
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Lupin saw it.
A photo of a five year old Sirius, seated on a picnic blanket, surrounded by stuffed animals that he was having pretend tea with.
"And he said he didn't know he was gay until he met me…" Lupin shook his head. "Who's he trying to fool?"
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"The teacher for your sex ed class—!" McGonagall was trying to tell the room of seventh years who were all dreading what was going to happen to them but she was interrupted by Harry Potter.
"CUT!" Harry yelled. "We've already done this."
"What are you talking about?" Hermione looked confused.
"We already did this story." Harry repeated. "Draco's even kicking my chair." Draco, who'd been sitting behind Harry, and had been kicking his chair suddenly stopped.
"Nobody bring up Wizards and Their Wangs." Ron pleaded. Then comprehension dawned on him. "Oh damn."
"Ron, that book is an educational text that brings an interesting scholarly perspective to the whole subject of wizards and their wangs." Hermione defended the book.
"NEXT!" Harry yelled, cutting off the conversation from going any further.
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"What's up Crookshanks?" Hermione asked her cat.
"Not much." Crookshanks shrugged.
"YOU CAN TALK?" Hermione's eyes doubled in size.
"This challenge blows." Crookshanks sighed.
"Can you tell me how to get in Ron's pants?" Hermione asked him. "You're a magical cat, right?"
"Have you tried mounting him?" Crookshanks could only think of the strategy he used and how effective it'd been.
Hermione fainted.
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Draco was walking down the hall at Malfoy Manor. He was just passing his father's study when his father called his name. The door was slightly ajar and Draco was sure that his father had been waiting for him to come along. He was sure that his father was going to ream him out for not beating Granger in any tests. Or maybe he'd heard the rumors about Draco's boyfriend. Draco sincerely hoped not.
"Yes, father?" Draco came in.
"Come in, come in." Lucius was writing a letter but was stuck, the quill resting on his chin as he thought. "Tell me, Draco, what sorts of things do girls your age want to hear?"
"Um, what?" Draco didn't understand the question.
"Let's say you were interested in a young lady and you wanted to write her a love letter, what would you write?" Lucius inquired.
"Why?" Draco asked him suspiciously.
"I'm tired of your mother and I'm in love with another young woman but my love is taboo." Lucius explained. "I wish to seduce and bed Hermione Granger."
"Gross!" Draco wrinkled his nose. "Why on earth would you stoop so low?"
"If that's the way you feel than I think I'll cut off your allowance for a month!" Lucius threatened.
"No, no, I think she's just peaches, dad." Draco lied through his teeth. "But, just so you know, she's got a thing, and don't ask me why, for that hobo Ron Weasley."
"Well, how about 'If you don't agree to be my lover, than I will hunt down Ron Weasley and make sure he's incapable of loving you or any other woman' then?" Lucius came up with.
"Sounds good." Draco smiled and stood up. If it meant that Ron Weasley was going to die, he'd fully support his father's unnatural attraction to Hermione.
"Thank you, Draco." Lucius was scribbling furiously.
"Glad I could help." Draco left the room, whistling to himself. Today was a good day.
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Severus was married to…someone. No, really, he was! But he wasn't happy because he could never stop thinking about Hermione Granger, the girl who'd got away.
He glanced over at his wife.
Of course, anyone would have been better than Peter Pettigrew.
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Harry, Ron, and Hermione were doing their homework together in the Gryffindor common room. Ron was struggling with his Transfiguration essay and after a number of silent but extremely pitiful looks at Hermione, who didn't glance over at him, he decided he'd have to speak up to get her help.
"Hermione, I just don't understand this." Ron shoved his essay towards her. He'd gotten as far as writing the title and his name. The rest hadn't come to him. "Can you explain it to me?"
"Ron, weren't you paying attention in class today?" Hermione asked him in exasperation. "Don't you think I get sick of helping you with your homework all the time?"
"Hermione, if I don't pass Transfiguration then I won't get a good job with the Ministry and then I won't be able to buy you a house or pay for our wedding or…or..." Ron realized he was now voicing his daydreams about the future out loud. Hermione stared at him for a moment.
"Oh, Ron!" Hermione kissed him so hard that they both fell out of their chairs.
"Um, I have a question about my Potions essay." Harry didn't know if he should interrupt but he was stuck on a question about moonstones and he couldn't quite remember what had been said about them in class. "Guys?"
No answer came back, only the sounds of seven years of sexual tension finally being given release could be heard.
"Guys?" Harry tried again hopefully. He sighed. "I think I prefer them fighting."
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"Okay, if we were the seven deadly sins, who do you think would be who?" Draco proposed. For some reason that is quite convenient (we'll say a school assignment) there were a large group of students seated around a campfire outside the castle.
"You're greed." Hermione told him right away. "Or, no, wait, you're pride."
"He's envy." Harry argued.
"Envious of what?" Draco glared at Harry.
"Of Harry." Ginny pointed out. "You look like all you do is drink Haterade, main ingredient: damn you jealous."
"He's also gluttony." Pansy brought up. "He's always eating tons of sweets from home."
"Oh please, if he's anything, it's wrath." Blaise countered. "He's always throwing tantrums if Harry doesn't notice that he changed which side he parted his hair on."
"That's not true!" Draco protested.
"He's also sloth, he's way lazy." Pansy turned towards Hermione. "Did you know he only shows up for the lessons he has with Harry? He doesn't bother going to any of the others. He just pays the teachers off."
"The teachers can't be bought! What about McGonagall?" Hermione questioned, feeling outraged.
"100 galleons a lesson." Draco answered easily. "I guess this means I'm lust too, right?"
"Ginny's lust." Blaise nominated the redhead while winking at her.
"No! I'm lust! I'm the most desirable!" Draco stood up.
"Okay, vote. Who would you rather do, Draco or Ginny?" Ron declared.
"Um, Ron, do you really want to vote on this?" Hermione asked him.
"Oh, because we're dating?" Ron remembered. "Don't worry, Hermione. It's a pretend vote. I'm not actually going to sleep with Draco or Ginny…oh." Ron caught on. "Oh…oh no."
"This is a complete waste of time." Draco declared, hearing murmurs of agreement for Ginny to be lust. He'd suggested the category himself, but it was never too late to back out of it. "Now let's play 'You Know I Love You'."
"What's that?" Hermione asked.
"Oh, it's a game." Pansy, who was feeling a lot friendlier than normal towards Hermione Granger, maybe because after seven years, she'd accepted that Hermione Granger was smart and it never paid to completely burn one's bridges. "You go up to someone and you say 'Honey, will you smile?'. Then they have to say 'You know I love you but I just can't smile' back without smiling or laughing. And no tickling because that's totally cheating, Lavender."
"Do not even start with me." Lavender warned her. "You cheated by having such ridiculous shoes on."
"Oh snap!" Parvati added on.
"I'm it first!" Draco declared. He went up to Theodore Nott who was leaning away from him, looking faintly disgusted. "Honey, will you smile?"
A moment later, Draco was on the ground, Theodore having punched him instead of replying.
"…I think the game's over. Let's make s'mores!" Pansy declared.
"S'more eating contest!" Ginny yelled and everyone made a mad dash for the marshmallows and graham crackers.
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Fred and George's mouths were gaping, their eyes wider than anyone else in the room. Snape stood in the doorway, glaring with anger so great he was almost smoking. Harry took an involuntary step back, tripping over the stack of copper pots as he went. Neville cowered behind an armchair, his hair still swaying gently.
"What are you doing in my living room?" Snape finally managed to get out.
"Well…see, we thought that since Voldemort always uses the avada kedavra that we could come up with a counter-curse." Harry explained. "And we didn't know where else to practice so we came here."
"Why didn't you go to your own houses?" Snape asked through clenched teeth.
"My gran would have killed me!" Neville continued to cower behind the armchair.
"What a coincidence." Snape brandished his wand menacingly.
"We're having a party at our place and we didn't want to ruin the decorations." Fred said.
"We would have done it at Grimmauld Place but all my stuff is there." Harry shrugged.
"Did you succeed?" Snape asked them all.
"No." Harry shook his head.
"That's a shame." Snape grinned evilly and pointed his wand at Harry.
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Prince Harry ruled over the vast kingdom of Potteria but he was often very lonely. His best friends, the Lady Hermione and Ron, the kitchen boy, didn't always have time to visit him.
King James, in his most brilliant sensitivity hit upon the solution and decided to interrupt Prince Harry's fencing match to tell him about it.
"Hey dad, what's up?" Harry didn't speak at all like someone from his fake medieval-type country would be expected to speak.
"I bought you a slave." James told his son brightly. "I know you're lonely without many friends so I bought you one."
"Dad, that's so wrong. Slavery is evil and should be abolished and you can't buy friends." Harry wasn't sure about some of the things his father did. Queen Lily usually was the one who had to reign in her husband or 'bring him back to reality' as she liked to call it.
"Nonsense!" King James shook his head. "I bought your mother." Queen Lily, who was standing behind him, rolled her eyes and shook her head.
"I don't want a slave." Harry reiterated.
"I already bought him." James frowned. "Here he is. Draco Malfoy." Draco Malfoy came out, glaring at everyone with such an imperious expression that Harry thought for a moment that he might be the royal prince.
"Mom, I don't want a slave." Harry pleaded with his mother.
"James, seriously, get rid of the slave." Lily snapped at her husband.
"He's not just a slave. He could also be a concubine. You could start a harem. You like men, right?" James explained. Lily smacked him upside the head as hard as she could.
"You want me to WHAT?" Draco looked alarmed. "I can't be in a harem. I can't. Malfoys aren't in harems. We might have harems. We might violate someone else's harem, but we aren't in harems."
"I don't want a harem!" Harry told the blonde-haired young man. "I set you free or whatever. Just go."
"What, so I'm not pretty enough for you?" Draco immediately got offended.
"No, that's not what I'm saying." Harry wasn't sure if he was going to pull out his own hair or hit his dad. Either one would have been good.
"Well, you implied it!" Draco folded his arms.
"I'll take you out on Friday, just please go." Harry promised.
"Good, I expect you to pick me up promptly at six." Draco turned on his heel and stalked out of the room.
"There, is that good? Any other part of this dumb challenge to fulfill?" Harry threw his hands up in the air.
"Oh, just one more." James assured him.
Harry was suddenly wearing tights.
"I'm so glad that Voldemort killed you in the canon universe." Harry commented darkly.
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This was it. Sirius had to tell Remus once for all how he really felt. It was important. If he was never honest with Remus, how could he ever expect Remus to be honest with him?
"I…I freaking hate baked macaroni and cheese. If you make me eat it one more time, I'm leaving you." Sirius confessed.
"But…you never told me…how you felt…" Remus looked off into the distance, remembering faraway days of running and jumping and wrestling rather homoerotically on a beach somewhere.
"I know…I never had the courage before." Sirius pursed his lips as though trying to force out a further explanation that was just too hard. But finally he said, "It's that cream of mushroom. What the hell is wrong with you? Are mushrooms remotely cheesy? No. There's a reason that boxes of mac and cheese don't contain a cream of mushroom soup packet."
"If that's how you feel…" Remus wiped a tear that had rolled down his cheek away. Then he straightened up. "Let's go order sushi and eat it off each other's naked bodies."
"…that's not a challenge."
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Hermione had never looked into the Mirror of Erised before. She shut her eyes for a moment and wondered what it would show her. Ron, not acting like an immature jerk? Herself, having just aced every exam? Herself, having come up with a permanent, magical way of shutting up Draco Malfoy?
She slowly opened her eyes and gasped in wonder.
Behind her, she saw the library at Alexandria, magically restored and filled with all the books since its destruction.
Hermione spent the rest of her days in front of the mirror, wasting away until she died.
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The Slytherin's annual Secret Santa event was something that they all looked forward to and feared greatly. Everyone looked forward to it because the grand tradition was to do something insidiously evil to someone else but somehow manage to wrap it up with a bow so that the present opening ceremony was akin to waiting for a bomb to go off in someone's face. It was feared because everyone was sure that the bomb that was going to go off was going to be in their own face.
"Pansy, you must know who has who in Secret Santas this year. Just please tell me that Blaise didn't get me." Draco pleaded with her.
"I told you I don't know." Pansy reminded him for the thousandth time. She didn't know. She'd accidentally drawn herself and was the only person not dreading her present to herself (Three hundred chocolate cauldrons filled with Grand Marnier. Merry Christmas to her).
"Last year he got me those sunglasses that looked amazing but began singing that degrading K-I-S-S-I-N-G song whenever I was around my number one sworn enemy." Draco shook a fist in the air.
"Maybe you got Nott and if you did, you lucked out because I think he's going for a seven year stretch of not buying anyone a present." Pansy suggested.
"Crabbe and Goyle would never dare do anything to me either." Draco brightened. "And the younger Slytherins wouldn't dare to lay a finger on me unless they wanted to commit social suicide." Other circumstances that would result in social suicide included the wearing of red, being poor, and doing anything to Harry Potter without Draco's express permission.
"Who did you get?" Pansy asked.
"Millicent." Draco answered easily. "When she opens her present, she's going to shrink to six inches tall. It's going to be brilliant. Who did you get?"
"Oh, I got Blaise." Pansy answered, knowing that Blaise was sure to get something horrible from someone because he had such a nasty habit of taking other people's things/snacks/girlfriends.
"What did you get him?" Draco inquired eagerly.
"It's a surprise." Pansy spoke cryptically. The two entered the Slytherin common room together.
Half an hour later, they were back out, chasing after Blaise, whose head was on fire.
"I lied, I didn't get Blaise." Pansy confessed as they ran after him.
"Who got him?" Draco paused as he watched Blaise turn himself in a full circle before continuing on.
"Nott broke with tradition. I think he was sick of me pestering him and so he just put a fire spell inside his present." Pansy answered.
"Fire spell. Yeah, that sounds like him." Draco nodded. "Oh for the love of Vidal-Sassoon, Blaise, stand still!" And he shot a blast of water at Blaise, who fell over in relief.
"I'm so glad we're seventh years. I've almost died six years in a row." Pansy went to help up Blaise. "I'm going to go home after this year and put a block on any owl post from Nott ever."
"Amen." Draco agreed and the two helped Blaise to the hospital wing.
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Hermione came racing into the room, happy and breathless to see the one she loved more than any other. Her heart stopped when she opened the door. There was Harry. He was seated at the piano.
"You…you whore!" Hermione shouted, pointing her finger wildly. "I trusted you…I loved you…and you left me…for that…that…"
"But Hermione," Harry laid his hand on the piano. "I love her."
"That piano will never love you!" Hermione told him before running from the room, tears of rejection streaming down her face.
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At the end of every school year, Dumbledore over-ordered on the alcoholic beverages and threw a party for the faculty. And every year, the professors got completely drunk.
Amid the chaos was McGonagall, who was currently winning a limbo contest against Sinistra, who could barely stand anyways. Snape was no longer wearing clothing and running in and out of the staff room. Flitwick was singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of his lungs. Madam Hooch got into a drunken brawl with Argus Filch. Madam Pince was doing firewhiskey bombs with Dumbledore, Professor Sprout, and Professor Vector, who was currently drinking almost everyone under the table. Professor Trelawney was giggling next to fellow alcoholic, Hagrid.
Harry stood there, watching the scene before him.
"You know, I don't think I want to teach here." He decided.
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"Take a seat, Miss Hendrickson." Snape gestured towards the front desk.
"Um…there's a lot of empty seats. Can't I sit in the back?" Jade asked.
"No, right here where I can watch you." Snape waved his hand again.
"I can't do magic." Jade pointed out. "I'm a crappy self-inserted response to a challenge."
"Precisely why I gave you detention in the first place. We don't tolerate self insertions." Snape circled around his desk and sat down.
Jade sat down. She was at a desk. Her natural state while sitting at any desk consisted of being bent over four reference books while shouting for her thesaurus, and asking where that one blue note notebook was. She cleared her throat. "You're not going to try to…you know…romance me, right?"
"What?" Snape's tone was so cold that Jade wasn't sure she should continue.
"It's just…I've read a lot of fanfiction…mostly on WIKTT…" Jade gulped as she realized that the last time she saw Snape do the Killing Curse, it had been rather sudden. "You know what? I think I'm ready to copy lines or whatever."
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"Do you remember that time?"
"What time?"
"The time that James introduced us?"
"Yeah, he was like, 'Sirius, you've got to meet Remus, he's awesome.' He was right."
"Thanks, Sirius."
"Wait, now I've got one."
"A memory?"
"Yeah…sort of."
"Okay, shoot."
"You remind me of the babe."
"What babe?"
"The babe with the power."
"What power?"
"The power of voodoo."
"Oh, Harry Potter?"
"Wow, thanks for ruining the joke."
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She peered around the corner, a gun raised but close to her chest. Hermione would have to be careful or she'd be dead. She was the best but he was also the best and she'd be damned if she was going to let her guard down for even a moment.
Hermione was a bounty hunter.
For the library.
And Blaise Zabini had never returned a single book.
"Target's in sight, Pince." Hermione murmured.
"Shoot to kill." Madam Pince ordered through her headset.
"Hands up!" Hermione called out as she rushed around the corner, her gun in front of her. But she stopped. Blaise Zabini had stooped pretty low, but not this low.
He'd taped books to every part of his body.
"Will you shoot me and risk hurting one of your precious books?" Blaise asked.
"No. I could never hurt any books." Hermione shook her head in horror.
"Shoot him! The books aren't important! Killing him for his crimes against the library is the important thing." Pince shrieked.
"The books aren't important?" Hermione repeated. "You've lost your soul, Pince." And she threw down her weapon. "I won't work for anyone whose forgotten that books come before human lives."
And with that, she stopped being a bounty hunter, which was a totally lame job anyways and wasn't even going to be put on her school transcripts for Wizarding college.
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"I feel really uncomfortable breaking into Snape's office." Harry voiced his concern to Ron and Hermione as the two shuffled through the jars in Snape's private stores.
"Listen, we just need to find the imperial dragon daisies and then we can leave." Hermione explained patiently. "Check over there, Ron."
"There's nothing but papers over there." Ron grumbled as he picked up a few sheets and examined them. "Whoa. Wait a second. This is porn."
"What?" Harry and Hermione both rushed over and began reading over Ron's shoulder.
"Wait, this isn't porn! I know this! Parvati and Lavender hold nightly readings from romance novels! This is their favorite author Espan Rusever!" Hermione began leafing through the papers. "Omigod! I can't believe I never noticed before! Severus Snape! He's a romance novelist."
"And you'll never notice again." A cold voice made them all turn around very slowly. "Obliviate!"
Three hours later, the trio woke up and found themselves on the roof with no idea of how they'd gotten up there. Snape thought his secret was safe but that's because he thought Lavender and Parvati were too dumb for anagrams. They'd figured his secret out in the second year and hadn't bothered telling anyone because they harbored the delusion that everyone read those books and that the whole thing was terribly obvious.
He would only stay lucky until the two girls insisted they wouldn't be able to leave Hogwarts without getting their books, all 394 of them, signed.
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Regulus Black took a deep breath before sitting on the stool. This was it. This would decide his whole future. Either he'd be in Gryffindor and be thought of as 'little Sirius' for the rest of his time at Hogwarts, or he'd be in Slytherin and his parents would buy him a car in relief. Never mind the fact that cars were considered evil Muggle inventions that were beneath their notice and that he was only eleven. (The Blacks believed all Muggle inventions gave you Mudblood, which was still considered a plague in that family, and didn't seem to realize that in thousands of years of magical study, the wizarding world hadn't come up with anything better than riding whatever they could find in the janitor's closet.)
The Sorting Hat was placed upon his head.
"Ah, Regulus Black." It said in his head. "THANKS FOR TAKING THE F-ING LOCKET OUT OF ITS HIDING PLACE! IT WASN'T A HUGE INCONVENIENCE TO SNEAK INTO THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC AND GET IT BACK. YOU'RE ACES CHAMP." The Sorting Hat proceeded to grow large and swallowed him whole.
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Everyone was enjoying their dinner, the general murmur of normal conversation seeming quieter than usual for some reason. Dumbledore decided this needed to change. He stood up and banged on the table with his goblet until everyone was looking at him.
"I declare that now dinner is THE ILLIAD!" Dumbledore announced.
"We must go to war with Sparta!" Ernie yelled, jumping onto his table.
"Yes! I will get Hermione back from that Ron of Troy!" Malfoy declared.
"Okay, Ernie, if you're a Trojan than you're not the one raging war. You're sitting in your city while the Spartans lay siege. And Draco…I'm flattered you feel that I'm the face that launched a thousand ships but you need to calm down." Hermione told him. "You know how excitable Ernie gets…" Ernie had pulled Susan Bones out of her seat and onto the table with him.
"This. Is. HUFFLEPUFF!" Ernie yelled and kicked Susan Bones off the table.
"Wrong war, Ernie." Hermione reminded him as Zacharias Smith dragged Ernie off the table and socked him in the face. She stood up. "Everyone, I declare this dinner no more wine for Professor Dumbledore."
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Lavender and Parvati had never had detention before. Snape had given it to them which was terribly unfair because all they'd been doing was talking in class. If he didn't want them to talk in class, then they both felt that he should make it his social duty to talk about something that wasn't so boring.
"Are we doing lines?" Parvati popped her gum in her mouth. Snape shot her a look and she almost choked on her gum.
"I thought you two should scrub the entire dungeon floor." Snape sneered at the two of them.
"Um, professor?" Lavender raised her hand. "I can't because I just did my nails. Look, they're chocolate blood!"
"Omigod, really? Let me see!" Parvati squealed as Lavender held a hand towards her. "That looks soooooo good."
"You're not excused. Quit your blathering and get to work!" Snape snapped at the two girls. They both looked at him for a moment, blinked slowly, as though just realizing he was there, and then turned back towards each other.
"So, I read Pride and Prejudice and it was really good. It's sooo romantic!" Lavender told Parvati. "You should totally read it. It's got like some social commentary and it talks about the importance of one's environment. Plus, Mr. Darcy is totally hot."
"I hate to break up the book club meeting but if you two aren't scrubbing those floors in ten seconds…" Snape broke off warningly. He was also slightly confused. The two girls didn't seem to be the least bit intimidated by him.
"Did you read Anna Karenina?" Parvati asked as she got out a copy of Witch Weekly to flip through. Lavender pulled out a compact so she could check to make sure her mascara still looked good.
"Oh, no. Is it good?" Lavender asked.
"Ugh, no. I mean, sure, Tolstoy can write about the litany of human weaknesses all he wants, nobody wants to read about some girl who throws herself under a train. She totally needs to learn to get over it." Parvati rolled her eyes. "Can I see your compact?"
"Yeah." Lavender handed it over. "Anything good in your magazine?"
"There's a love quiz on page 64." Parvati passed the magazine to Lavender.
"I'M GOING TO CURSE YOU BOTH UNLESS YOU START SERVING DETENTION!" Snape yelled at the two of them in frustration.
"Like, calm down professor." Lavender told him.
"Yeah, take a chill potion." Parvati advised. "We're serving detention. We'd much rather be in not a drafty old dungeon. Have you ever considered hiring an interior decorator?"
"I've got lots of tips about how to maximize space." Lavender added helpfully. "We could make it so much less gloomy in here! Then you'd be less gloomy!"
"Omigod! You know what would totally make him less gloomy?" Parvati turned towards Lavender in excitement.
"Makeover!" They both cried together.
"No." Snape shook his head, taking a step back.
"Oh, Professor Snape, you should let us! We can make you over into a total sex god! You don't want to be a groady old potions master for the rest of your life, do you?" Lavender asked him as she stood up. "I've got plenty of stuff. Where do you sleep? I need to look at your wardrobe!"
"I'll make a hair potion." Parvati volunteered, running over to a cauldron and starting to gather things up. "You won't believe how easy it is, professor!"
"Stop this nonsense at once!" Snape ordered.
"Professor, don't shut us out. You need help to change yourself. It says so in Witch Weekly." Lavender told him knowledgably. "We're here to help you. You need to get out there and date. Then you wouldn't be so uptight about everything."
"Yeah, you have to get it regular." Parvati agreed from where she was pouring things into the cauldron.
"Stop talking about—I get it just fine—scrub the floors!" Snape sputtered.
"Gets it just fine, huh?" Lavender raised an eyebrow in amusement at Parvati, who smiled. "I heard you're totally carrying a torch for Potter's mum. Newsflash, get over it."
"Yeah, otherwise you'll throw yourself under a train." Parvati nodded wisely.
"Why aren't you scared of me?" Snape demanded to know.
"Because I read this book, right, what was it called? Frank-something." Lavender trailed off.
"Frankenstein?" Snape guessed.
"Right, Frankenstein. Anyways, the moral is to be nice to ugly things or they'll get way angry." Lavender was closer than ever and he was sure that the two girls were going to spring on him and do god knows what to his hair. Probably wash it.
"NOOOOOOOO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Snape ran out of the room and didn't stop, running from the castle, and fleeing from the grounds.
"I told you we'd find a way to get out of detention." Lavender winked at Parvati. "Are you really mixing a hair potion?"
"Nah, its sugar cookies. Let's totally make them and talk about Great Expectations." Parvati suggested.
"Miss Havisham is a mess." Lavender commented and the two continued their literary discussion late into the night, no longer having to worry about detention.
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All the seventh year Gryffindors gathered in the common room to stay up on their last night of school ever and party. It was quickly proposed and seconded that they play Truth or Dare.
"Harry, truth or dare?" Hermione had just admitted that she'd gone to second base with Viktor Krum and her face was still on fire. Ron was still cracking his knuckles threateningly, Harry supposed just in case Viktor appeared out of thin air.
"Dare." Harry picked.
"I dare you to end this story. I think we're all challenged out." Hermione told him.
"Okay. END THIS!" Harry yelled.
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The End
Not sure what to make of it? Neither am I. Was this written while on drugs…well, no. But I could see why one might come to that conclusion.