I slowly open my eyes to the sound of thunder, not really having fallen asleep anyway. My soul is in a state of unrest, my heart disquieted. It's all your fault, really - thoughts of you march unceasingly across my brain, threatening to drive me crazy if I don't find a way to stop them. I feel so far away from you, and yet I know you are just across the hall, sleeping.
Unable to relax, I pull myself into a sitting position, my long black braid falling over my shoulder. The thunder roars once more, a sound that I oddly find comforting. Sometimes you can be so stupid, Kenshin, so utterly dense and set in your ways. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes - maybe then you could learn to forgive yourself. Yes, at one point in your life you were the hitokiri, but not anymore. He will always be a part of you, but he does not govern you. The only control he has over you and your life is the control you give him - can't you see that?
I may be young, but I'm far from stupid. I'm tired; tired of all the excuses we give ourselves, tired of all the hours of watching you torture yourself for the sins of your past, sins that you've long since atoned for.
Another loud rumble of thunder.
Perhaps it's the weather, or maybe I'm just losing my mind, but I suddenly leap to my feet, careful to be quiet. Clad in nothing but my nightgown, my braided hair still slung over my shoulder, I slide open the shoji doors of my room and pad into the hallway. The whole house is quiet, save for Yahiko's light snoring.
Idly wondering if I've gone crazy, I open your door as quietly as I can, peeking into your room. There you are, asleep on your futon in the middle of the room, red flame hair unfastened and fanning out against your pillow.
What exactly do I think I'm doing?
I heard you the minute you opened your bedroom door. What are you up to now? I waited for a moment, waiting to see if I needed to get up. Oddly enough, I heard you open my door a few seconds later, intriguing and mildly surprising me. You've never come into my room so late. You don't sound panicked in any way, so I opt to feign sleep.
You pad slowly toward me, obviously believing me to be asleep. What could you possibly want in the middle of the night? Has something frightened you, made you flee your room?
Another loud burst of thunder. You're not afraid of the storm, are you?
You seem to hesitate a moment, then softly seat yourself at my side. Now what are you up to, Kaoru? I keep my eyes closed, determined to discover your intentions. What an odd girl you are, sneaking into the room of the battousai in the dark of night. I have killed men for that, I'm sure you are aware. You don't seem frightened, however, and I begin to wonder why not. The mere sight of me can make grown men, fierce men break down and cry - so how is it that you, a mere seventeen year old girl, do not? But then, you've never been afraid of me, have you? You never flinch when you hear the name battousai, never seem to care that I once was a cold blooded killer, that I could be one again. You have this unwavering faith in me, a faith I do not deserve.
The sound of your honey voice fills my ears as you begin to speak, your voice soft but full of conviction.
"I don't understand you, Kenshin," You say, "I don't know how someone so smart could be so stupid."
That's an oxymoron.
"I don't care who you used to be, or how many men you killed in your past. Can't you see how you've changed? You are Himura Kenshin - a rurouni who finds peace in doing the laundry. Battousai is a part of you, but not all of you. Why can't you forgive yourself for things that happened a long time ago?"
I understand what you're saying, I know the words you speak are true - so why do I suddenly find myself so angry? You're so innocent, Kaoru, so oblivious to the truth of my past. My hands are forever stained with their blood, their lives are on my hands. You don't know the guilt I feel, the anguish that suffocates my soul. You're a child, an innocent, naive child.
Angry at you, at myself, I spring myself into an upright position, my hair flying over my shoulders like a crimson cloud. You don't jump, you don't even flinch, but your sapphire eyes spark with resolve.
"I knew you were awake," you address me calmly, "You don't fool me."
"What do you know?" I hiss, "You are a child, an innocent child with no idea of what it's like to be me. You've never tasted blood, never felt the familiar surge of adrenaline as you run your sword through another man's gut. So tell me, child, what do you know of my life? What do you know of murder and pain and guilt?"
Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that this is wrong, that I shouldn't be yelling at you. It's not your fault that you're pure, that you're a better person than I am; but oh how I covet your soul, your pure untainted soul!
You look as though you would like nothing more than to reach out and punch me, but you don't. You merely sit there, perfectly still as the thunder cracks outside. The only things moving are your eyes, which spark and dance dangerously.
When you speak your voice is low and controlled, your anger at me thinly veiled.
"I may be young, but I'm not as stupid as you take me for. I know of what I speak, and you know it too. You are bent on punishing yourself for a past you cannot change, and I have tried unsuccessfully to make you see what you are doing to yourself. But you know what? I'm done. I'm done with trying to help you, done with trying to show you that I care. You're not worth it, Kenshin - you're just not."
Something inside me snaps at your last sentence, and just as suddenly as it came my anger dissipates. But it's too late, the damage has been done. I watch you rise gracefully to your feet, your bridled anger radiating from you. I am frozen to my spot - all I can do is watch you leave.