A/N: I am so unbelievably in love with this pairing. Naturally, I had to write pointless fluff for it.
My conceptions of Alexander and Hephaistion are, I think, separate from Renault's and quite definitely separate from Stone's.
I'm not sure if this makes any sense, considering that I wrote it at 2:00 in the morning. Oh well, it was fun to write. Inspired by countless, countless boring classes.
"What do you mean, hunt down Darius?" Parmenion demanded for the third time in the last half-hour, and if Hephaistion had not been quite so tired he would have bashed the man over the head with a nearby wine jug. As it was, he was hard-pressed to stifle a yawn and force his dark eyes to remain open.
Alexander was clearly no less frustrated, but there had been plenty of friction between him and the older general lately and Hephaistion knew the King did not want to add to the tension. "It is necessary," he said, his voice calm and controlled in a way that clearly meant, I want to run you through with a spear. Unfortunately Parmenion was not nearly so good as reading Alexander-subtext as Hephaistion was.
"Your father," he began, failing to care about the thunderclouds that settled immediately onto Alexander's face. Hephaistion rolled his eyes. Then he yawned.
He did not expect the room to go silent and everyone to start staring at him.
"Uhhh," he said intelligently as the bright eyes of Alexander and the sharp gaze of Parmenion settled on him in indignation. "Sorry," he added. "I'm," he yawned again, involuntarily, "… tired."
Alexander continued to stare. Parmenion made a noise suspiciously like "hmph!" and turned away. From the other generals there were quiet sniggers, watching in amusement as Hephaistion cringed under Alexander's gaze.
"General Amyntor," said the King, in his official King voice, which was one he rarely used on his best friend and lover. He drew up in his seat with an air of menace and power, his eyes cool and disapproving, his mouth thinly set. Hephaistion gulped.
"General Amyntor," said Alexander again, "if you find yourself incapable of keeping up with the tasks that I set you, if I have been tiring you out, by all means let me know so that I can appoint another, more capable man to take your place." His stern eyes twinkled for a moment with mischief.
Hephaistion sat stunned for a moment, then quickly stifled a grin. "My King," he replied in a perfect court voice, catching on to the game, "I assure you that none is so capable as myself in the… tasks… that you set me. If you try to replace me I doubt you will be satisfied with the results."
The sniggering turned to open laughter. Parmenion sighed with the air of a man in complete despair of ever getting his point made, which, Hephaistion thought, he really should have realized much earlier.
"You overrate your abilities, General," said Alexander, eyebrows raised. "I am sure that there are plenty of men in this camp—even in this room—who would be eager to prove themselves to me, and who would far outshine your skills."
"Is that so," said Hephaistion.
Alexander nodded regally.
"In that case, then," said Hephaistion, getting up from his chair, "I suppose you are no longer in need of my services, and I therefore have no reason to remain here."
"Where are you going?"
"To your room," said Hephaistion. "I am going to take a nap." He grinned and sauntered out of the meeting rooms, purposefully showing off his long legs as he walked.
Alexander turned back to the rest of his Companions, all of whom were struggling to retain some measure of appropriate gravity. "Gentlemen," he said, his voice stately and dignified. "This meeting is now dismissed."
At the way he practically bolted from the room, even Parmenion had to laugh.
***
"So," murmured Hephaistion as they lay together in Alexander's bed, his dark eyes closed, forehead tucked into the other's neck. "Still want to replace me?"
Alexander reached a hand over, began stroking Hephaistion's curled hair. "I suppose I will have to keep you for now," he admitted mock-reluctantly. "After all, I need someone who can shut Parmenion up."
"Mmm," Hephaistion said, smugly. He yawned.
"I suppose I have been tiring you out," Alexander said thoughtfully. "I'll have to give you less work. You do too much, you know. You need to rest sometimes."
There was no response. Alexander looked down to see his lover fast asleep, curled tightly around his King. He grinned, then gently kissed Hephaistion's forehead. "And next time," he added, settling himself to sleep as well, "try and interrupt before Parmenion gets to talk. That man is driving me crazy."
Hephaistion made a small noise, burrowing deeper into Alexander's throat. "You are irreplaceable," the King whispered to him. "Always know that."
The general did not wake, but it didn't matter. He knew.