What can Never Be
My will is all that keeps me from draining you, taking more from you than you can give and leaving you with nothing, consumed whole by my desire. We became in a sort while so intimate, I had to touch your body for longer than was meant for an adopted sister, no, we are no longer the children we once were. You gave me your blood which now flows within me, provides me with energy, sustains my life. This helpless dependancy on your kindness, this is my only weakness, but I am no longer a man to be strong for myself. I can never know what its like to grow up without tasting blood, enjoying its heat and disgusted by the pain I inflict upon you. I no longer have a future, but the only thing I can do to keep you happy is to not finish this condemned life at my own hands.
I hide these fangs which I feel every day, pretending to be human like I once was, surrounded by carefree girls that anger me, because they do not know the danger they put themselves in by so carelessly frolicking in their innocent passions. They have a future, they are free, not bound to the life of another, doomed to suffer a slow descent into madness. Yuuki, you are the only one who truly cares, a selfless cheerful girl who would give anything to save me, to live together happily with the only family you've ever known. But now you have Kaname as your family too, which has put distance between us, memories and memories of a remembered past between us. I know in my mind that you are avoiding the pain that will eventually come for both of us, you will lose me and there will be nothing you can do anymore to hold on to me. Yuuki you believe that each day brings promise of new hope. Yet with your smile, your blood, this hope and this energy combined to sustain me, can I not stop the feelings that will never reach you? You fail always to recognize, and I hide myself well in the background of your life, protecting you in order to keep living for you. He would kill me otherwise, and he is your true prince, you glow under his affection and he would possess you completely if you weren't yet still afraid of what that could mean for yourself. I watch you with this indifferent face that pretends to hold authority, dignity, but each day it is harder to watch him make you happy with just a few words. But I suppose now you will be his. You are a vampire, you are his family, there is no longer any need for distance, and now the distance between you and I can only grow. I wonder yet if he has claimed you, soon the smooth curve of your neck will be marked by him, and I will no longer be permitted to marr what is his.
Yuuki, I will do what you wish until the end of my life, which is held completely in your power. Yet I cannot discard these selfish feelings, these useless feelings, the desire and hopes that are unfit for a condemned man. Your blood is not enough, but how could I ever ask for more when you have been generous to me? I will never ask, you cannot love me. I have no future, there is no way I could ever make you happy, though I will try until I die to serve you, as you have served me. It can never be more than this between us, and without realizing so, you have condemned me to suffer cruelly because of you, while I am sustained and cared for by you. Blood you will give me, but I will never have your heart. Until the end I will be beside you, but I will never touch your lips with mine, never hear the low whisper of your voice that tells me what I need you to say in order to be at peace. Slowly it will begin to no longer matter, and I look forward to oblivion, to the annhilation of my consciousness . There will be no more living hell, and my meaningless existance will end. I can never cause you to smile wholeheartedly like he can, because my life is a tangled mess of troubles which you have trapped yourself in, and I hope that someday you will be free of me so that you can forget the pain i've caused you. The pain we cause each other to feel.
But in the end I cannot help but state what is true, and profound,though it does not change anything. I shouldn't want it to change anything. Such a powerful emotion, and yet it does not reach you, and you do not feel it.
I will continue to protect you from this feeling, which compels me to do so.
Yet it is true, and real to me, and I cannot deny it.
I ache more and more to contain it every day that I am near you.
Yuuki, I love you.