Estupido Cupido (Stupid Cupid)
Complete
by Zukone
Tacky red and pink streamers draped the hallways, the wafting smell of chocolate filled almost every room, and students gave each other overtly "covert" fleeting glances. These were all the warning signs Jimmy needed. Valentine's Day was on it's way. With it would come the loathsome view of boys and girls walking hand in hand, annoying gibbering baby talk, and the desperate slinkering of single girls skulking through the hallways trying to snag a temporary boyfriend. For him, there would be more. The worst thing loomed just on the horizon, quite literally in fact. That fierce tempered woman of mayhem was just up the hallway talking about Einstein knows what.
Cindy, as usual, would harass him and call him a loser because he remained unaccompanied on Valentine 's Day, and, as usual, his defense was simple. There was no need to participate in such superficial activities designed for the vacuous of mind. However much that was true, this year he had something else in mind. He wasn't even going to let her get a chance to laugh. Taking the preemptive, he had contacted April detailing an invitation for this silly earth celebration. Sure he had a bigger crush on Betty Quinlan, but he needed something a bit more certain. The Gorlockian warrior had a little thing for him, so he was sure he would be able to convince her to come. She hadn't confirmed yet and concern etched its way onto his face. If his plans didn't solidify, he'd have to come up with something else, and there weren't that many choices.
He looked at the flier in the information booth and almost considered grabbing one. Taking another glance at the ever popular Cindy heading towards him in the corridor, he shook his head. "That's completely out of the question. She'd rip me to shreds if she found out." He gladly passed it up and went on his merry little way leaving the horizon to fend for itself against the pending volatile vortex it was about to encounter.
-o-
Cindy looked around her searching for Jimmy's remnants. It was the only reason she headed this way. She swore she had just seen him. Exhaling her dissatisfaction, Cindy lamented that she wouldn't get to poke fun at him even if a little. On her road to maturity, she had to take baby steps, and well, being overly nice to Jimmy was too giant of a leap right now.
She focused this year's growth on a stronger sense of independence. Valentine's Day was the perfect installation for this self-reliance. Every other year before had been the same ritual. Get some spiffy looking kid to take her to a school Valentine's Day dance, pretend to know the joy's of love as the sap lavished his attention on her, and then realize how unfulfilling it all was. The season was altogether disappointing. Scanning the school's bulletin board, Cindy knew exactly how she was going to be different. To prove that she was an independent woman, she wasn't going to get a Valentine's date. After all, it never phased Neutron that he was single, even after all the hazing that she did. There. It was settled.
Yep, she was going it alone, going solo, going stag, going- what the freak was she thinking?
She hastily grabbed a pink flyer, slapped it against the wall, and began to fill the form on the back. After a few moments, she held the form up and scrutinized it realizing she left one box empty. She lifted up the pen and filled the last square. Then, she paused. Her penned hand began to tremble. Noting this, she tried to ease it fruitlessly with her other hand.
"I can't do this!" she said pitching the blue pen away from her. "I haven't crossed into Loserville yet!" She left the fuchsia paper drifting in the air as she peddled her way down the busy corridor.
-o-
The usual teen chatter surrounded the air of the cafeteria during lunch time. There was a heavy tilt on relationship gossip, but that was par for the course this time of year. Jimmy begrudgingly sat down next to his best buds since elementary, Sheen and Carl. It's not that he had anything against them. It was just that they were both deeply entangled into Valentine Day's saccharine blah. Carl had officially started his relationship with Elki, and Sheen was still going strong with Libby. Both of them had been engrossed in making that day just perfect for their special someone. Each passing day they outdid themselves as to just how much boredom they could beat into him.
"I hope you don't mind, guys," said Sheen, "I'm gonna go sit with Libby today."
"Huh. Oh sure, Sheen. We understand." Jimmy said. He stretched his head upwards and then rolled his neck around trying to fight the dulling of his senses. Just out the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of the Mexican's "Egyptian goddess" walking the opposite end of the cafeteria. Of course the girl was accompanied by Cindy, and that snapped him into an upright sitting position. A million neuro-cells went into action as he figured out what he was going to do to avoid the lady. He surmised that he'd have to forestall her by sending Sheen over to meet Libby.
Before he could process it, Sheen was making a spectacle of himself trying to get her attention. Jimmy gesticulated for him to cut it out, but it was too late. The duo of girls were already on their way and Cindy had a particularly unholy smile he could see more clearly as they approached. Jimmy's resolve solidified. Today he wasn't going to play as the clever little mouse that he often did. He was going to play a very clever hawk. After all, he deserved to be higher on the food chain. He smiled.
The girls made their way over to them, predictably with Sheen happily meeting up with Libby and with Cindy and him facing off in the semblance of friendship. Who were they fooling?
The tit for tat and false pleasantries was to be expected. All throughout the conversation Jimmy waited for what he knew was her trump card. Now, in this game, he didn't have his trump card, but he had the illusion. And that was just as good. He wanted to reveal it only when it would hurt the most—right after she thought she had won.
"So then," the talkative blond said. "I see Sheen has a date. And Carl's going out with that girl, what's-her-name."
"Elki."
"Elki. Right." she said whirling hand around, "So who're you going out with for Valentine's day?"
Despite how nonchalant and friendly she delivered that question, Jimmy could see her mal intent for what it was. He had to give her kudos for how she was setting it up. She really was going to bring it down on him. Too bad he wasn't going to let her.
Jimmy played it cool pretending to be interested in finishing the bite of food he had in his mouth. Muted glee spilled from the corner of his lips even before he spoke.
"You'll see?" was all he said.
Cindy's mouth dropped. She recovered and continued the conversation as neutral as possible but failing a little bit, "That's so surprising," she said. "Do I know her?"
"Why would that be surprising?" he asked with a forced air of offense. "Anyway. You might know her, but I'm not going to tell you who it is."
"I see," she replied.
Jimmy knew he had won when nothing else came from her mouth. At least nothing directed at him. She was soon pestering Libby with trite conversation, no doubt in an effort to hide her embarrassment and ire over her unexpected failure.
-o-
The school day was over for most, and the students rushed the hallway ready to leave. In the midst of the commotion, Cindy frantically asked every available guy she saw, with a few exceptions, to be her Valentine. The reply was always the same. "Sorry, I'm already taking Gina.", "Too bad you didn't ask me before.", and "I would have said yes but..." Cindy's frustration grew. This was all Jimmy's fault. She spent the last few days trying to grow up and he had to go ahead and pick a fight. And she had been so nice to him in that cafeteria. Now was not the time to be angry though. She needed a solution to her socially crippling problem.
"I can't let Neutron see me without a date now that I know he has one." She said to her friend.
"This is getting ridiculous," Libby replied. "If you go any lower, I don't know if I'll be able to associate with you."
"It's not that bad. I just have to expand beyond my usual high standards." Cindy said optimistic. The girl anxiously peered down the hallway and then craned her neck the other way ready to pounce the next oncoming prepubescent male.
"Booger boy turned you down." Libby smarted. "You have no more standards."
"Wait! That's it!" the blond said in a wave of euphoria. "Standards! I'm doing all the work, but I can have someone else do it for me. The school compatibility test is perfect. Why didn't I think about it earlier?"
"I don't know. Maybe because you said that only losers would need to fill one out." Libby shook her head at Cindy, "Never mind. It's a whole lot better than what you're doing now."
"We'll it's not like I'm going to marry the guy. I just need a Valentine date who's somewhat compatible with me."
The blond grabbed her friend and headed hastily down the hall. It wasn't the best solution, but it would do.
-o-
Jimmy didn't know how to stop the smile on his face from taking over. He pulled down on his face with his hands to make it more serious. Then he remembered what happened in the cafeteria. It was one of those rare moments. He had made Cindy speechless. Slowly, his euphoria returned and he was grinning again. He might as well keep the smile. He deserved to be happy.
Jovially, he skipped through the hall, rounded a corner, and took giant leaps to his locker. He unloaded his books and reloaded his pack for homework. The young man punched out his hand and then bent his elbow so he could read his watch. The display read "one message." He pressed a button and looked intently at the video message being played.
"Hi Jimmy." April said in awkward stance. "I got your message. Sorry it took so long to reply." April staved off an attack. "We've been engaged in battle against the dreaded Blikontians." April left the screen for a few seconds to finish off an enemy. "I won't be able to make it." She said when she returned.
Jimmy's smile dropped. He rushed down the hall. Now his only hope was that stupid test.
Jimmy slammed the fushia paper down on the desk and cringed after he did it. The things he did to get to Cindy. The deadline, he knew, was long past. However, with his hypnobeam in hand, it was not a factor.
-o-
"I can't believe I missed the deadline," Cindy said.
"Will you finally just suck it up and admit defeat." Her best friend said.
"I'm not defeated. It's just. Listen, I may not have a date but it's only because, because, because I don't want to stoop that low." She said raising her head high, "I bet if I did take that compatibility test it wouldn't find me a match because they wouldn't be able to find anyone good enough."
"Girl, your story changes every 2 minutes."
"Never mind that. Are you with me?"
"I don't really have a choice do I?"
"No."
"Then I'm with you." Libby said.
-o-
Jimmy took a stroll down the hall just a couple of days before Valentine's Day. Right in front of him, a pretty boy came out of the student social committee office with pink "Cupid" T-shirt and an open side satchel bag. Immediately half a dozen girls ran through not caring who they trampled on the way. Jimmy threw himself flat to the wall letting the girls throng the poor unsuspecting livery boy. A few moments later, they dispersed with papers in their hands leaving the boy practically beat up on the floor.
"You know if you just waited I would have delivered them to your lockers!" he yelled back after them. "I hope you all end up with trolls!"
Jimmy reached out offering the boy a hand up. When the blond boy grabbed, Jimmy tugged until the boy could get to his feet. The guy dusted himself.
"Thanks," he said. "They're friggin' animals!"
"I guess you really enjoy the festivities of the day of Amor."
"What? Are you kidding me? Valentine 's Day is filled with pretense and lies. The girls don't really care about love. They just want attention. You should hear how they drone on as if they would die not to have a date. And the guys- opportunists. I think it's turned into a marketing scheme for the chocolate and flower corporations, and don't get me started on the jewelry indus-"
Perplexed, Jimmy merely pointed to the boy's shirt and the boy obliged to look.
"Oh. Sorry about the rant. Uh, yeah. They thought it would be 'cute' if I wore this thing delivering the results for the compatibility test. It's hideous isn't it? What self respecting guy would wear pink? Anyway's, I fixed it." the boy moved the strap to his satchel to reveal the other word, care of a sharpie marker, above the T's originally inscribed "cupid."It read stupid. "Ya see that." the boy said, "Styoopid Cyoopid."
"Uh, OK" Jimmy said.
"Sorry, I was about to start up again. My manners. You took a test too, right?" He asked.
"No," Jimmy shirked denying fervently that he did.
"Sure you did. You're Jimmy Neutron right?"
"Shhhh," Jimmy said flailing his arms trying to hush him.
"Oh, I get it." The kid coarsely whispered, "You want to be discreet."
Jimmy grinned annoyed and nodded while he spoke through his teeth. "Yeah, kind of."
"Thanks for not trying to kill me earlier. Just for that you get a good one." The boy smiled and handed him the paper in a handshake. He grabbed the lid of his cap to bid him farewell.
"Love Match Results," the paper said. Jimmy hid it quickly in his shirt and snuck into a corner of the hallway. He tentatively opened up his paper.
-o-
Cindy dragged her backpack to her locker. This was one of the downsides to taking so much on. Her backpack was always overstuffed with the heavier books from her "gifted child" classes. She dialed the combination and threw the door open. The girl grunted as she tossed the backpack into her locker.
After reaching to grab something else, she noticed a taped envelope on the inside of her door. "What's this?" she said just as she was about to grab it realizing what it was.
"That's what I want to know!" and angry boy said. "Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?"
Cindy slammed her locker door shut afraid that Jimmy saw just how low she'd sunk. "Wh..What are you talking about?" she said. The effect of this whole scene gave Jimmy the impression that his suspicions were correct.
"You know what I'm talking about, Vortex!"
"No," she said, "I don't. And calm down before you turn into the incredible orange dork again!"
"It has your name all over it." He said throwing a crunched up paper in her face. "It just reeks of something you would do."
Despite her anger, Cindy picked up the balled piece of paper. "I still don't know what you're talking about." She said as she uncrumpled the paper. "But it better be good."
"Just read it."
"Our test indicates you are a h.." Cindy started to chuckle. "handsome young man with a large cr… cr… cranial capacity. -hahahaha that's fancy talk for King Cranium-"
"The results!"
"Okay alright, alright. Your ideal woman is an emotionally balanced independent thinker who appreciates your intellect. You have a 100 percet compatibility rating with CINDY VORTEX!"
"There's more. I was supposed to get at least 2 other choices, but you're listed 3 times! It's statistically bizarre for something like that to happen unless someone was playing a joke! Our differences are too great! Plus, there's the fact that I know you wouldn't be caught dead filling one of those out. This makes it impossible for me to get you as a choice. "
"About that." She said sheepishly, "I filled out one too."
"What?" Jimmy said. The look on his face went from angry to perplexed in less than a second.
She opened her locker door, grabbed the paper and unfolded it. "The test, I didn't put it in, but someone must have found it and put it in for me."
Her eyes scanned the paper. She nodded as she read with her eyes getting wider after each insulting word.
"So you really didn't know. Let me take a look." he said grabbing the paper from Cindy.
"Hey!"
"You're confident girl who has high standards… blah, blah, blah… lies, lies, lies. And by the way, when they say confident, I'm sure they mean bossy or that other word that means the same thing. Ah here it is. You're ideal man is an intellectually sophisticated, dapper young spirit. You have a 100 compatibility with Jimmy Neutron. It's the same thing. Someone's messing with us. We're not compatible in the least."
"Like I'd even consider it."
"I'm merely stating what we both know to be true. You're a mediocre looking girl who's mean spirited, quick to anger, and envious in character. You lack the basic logical facility, for, well, you know. We'd never make an ideal pair!"
"For your brains it's a wonder you're so clueless," Cindy spewed, "It's obvious for other reasons. There's big difference between intellectually sophisticated and full on nerd. I'm way out of your league, geek. "
"I've had about enough of your insults."
"I'm merely stating facts."
"You're misusing the word."
"Hey there!" the Cupid T'd guy said giving Jimmy the thumbs up. "A real hottie right?"
"You!" Jimmy said. "You're the one responsible!" Jimmy lunged at the boy, grabbed him by the collar, and slammed him against the lockers.
"Well," the blond boy said, "Yeah. But I thought you'd be happy."
"Who'd be happy about this," Cindy said holding her paper up. "This test says he's my ideal match."
"But he is."
"Listen here girly boy. I can do a lot of damage to those pearly whites of yours." Cindy threatened jumping into a standard Tai Chi stance.
"And I can rip your atoms apart and reassemble them any way I like," Jimmy added. "painfully."
"Alright. Alright. I'll come clean if you let me go." Jimmy released him but kept a keen eye as did Cindy. "We kind of thought it would be a great idea since you two hated each other so much."
"We?" Cindy asked.
"The people I work with."
"He means at the social committee." Jimmy clarified.
"Yeah I kind of got that, Jimmy. It just bothers me that there was a conspiracy against me."
"It's more likely it was against me. I have more real enemies."
"It's the best joke. Don't you think?" the boy interrupted.
Jimmy grabbed his forehead. "At least we uncovered this mystery."
The blond boy smiled. "I'm surprised you didn't try to make a machine to find out your own compatibility. Aren't you a genius?"
"Good question." Cindy interjected, "but if he can't cure himself of geekdom, what makes you think he could find a match?"
"You'll see!" Jimmy said, "I'll make a machine that will tell you who your 'perfect' guy is, no matter how much it hurts to see a fellow man fall. Then you'll have to eat your words."
"I won't hold my breath." The girl said.
Jimmy's eyes squeezed into narrower slits.
Cindy just rolled her eyes at the gesture. She was sure the little nerd was going to hustle right over to his lab after school to work on this project. The kid didn't have one ounce of common sense. Either you liked someone or you don't. Who really needed a cockamamie compatibility test if you really cared about someone.
Only he would try to make a test that actually worked and take all the fun out of doing it the long way. There were also other good points like all the nervous and awkward feelings, the sweating profusely, and the pain of rejection. Well, OK maybe he was onto something, but did he have to be such a nerd about it?
-o-
The crowd watched in amazement as Jimmy hauled his latest contraption onto the lawn. "A little help please?" He asked.
"We're good." said the laid-back delivery boy. "I just want to see how this turns out."
Cindy released her arms from their crossed position and walked over to where Jimmy was. "Kya!" she yelled with a kick, sending the machine flying to a more central location.
"Thanks Cindy."
"Oh. Don't thank me. I did this for myself. This failure is going to be one of your greatest."
"Anyway," Jimmy said standing next to the machine which now bore a dent. "Ladies and Gentlemen. May I introduce you to CUPIDO, the perfect matchmaker."
"Why didn't you just call it CUPID?"
"It was taken." Jimmy coughed, "Let me explain how CUPIDO works. Just put this helmet on, and after it has compiled all of the data, it will give you your ideal match. The data is raw, and, unlike the fill out forms where people can lie or make mistakes, it retrieves a true description of the person wearing the helmet. Watch as I demonstrate." Jimmy placed the helmet on and in a matter of seconds a ping was heard and large letters appeared on the screen saying that the test was done. A short physical and emotional description of Jimmy appeared next on the overhead monitor. "See. Painless."
"Where are the results?" A random kid asked.
"The machine is only collecting Data. I'd have to switch the mode and power it with the switch on the helmet when a person has the helmet on. It's a safeguard against misusing the machine. Only you can retrieve your ideal match."
"Then do it."
"Well, my ideal match right now could only be me because I am the only one in the system. When more data is inputted, it will tell me who the best choice is. That is, of course, assuming that a good match is here in this crowd."
-o-
After much ado and the last of Retroville's finest, Cindy tried the helmet on. She allowed the machine to collect her data and then took it off.
"Okay, now let's see who your Sole Mate is." Sheen said ominously while Jimmy switched the machine's mode from data collection to analyze.
"NO!" Jimmy all but exploded. He calmed himself at the awkward outburst and then continued with an explanation. "Let's see your results first, Sheen. I mean, Libby is your girlfriend, and if you two aren't a match, then we'll know if the machine needs to have a few more kinks taken out."
"Good idea, but I don't need no stinkin' machine to tell me that."
"But that's not the purpose of having you go first."
"I don't care!" Sheen said. "I don't want to put that thing on!"
"What are you afraid of?" the boy genius said.
"What are YOU afraid of?" the Mexican replied.
"Give me the dag on thing back." Cindy said. She put the helmet on and hastily flipped the switch. Jimmy gulped as it digitally flipped through various names on the display. The machine started to slow down and the names passing stayed for a bit longer than the previous. Every time it seemed like it was going to stop on some name, he had an awful reaction in the pit of his stomach.
Then the thing hit Nick Deen. The girls gasped, Deen just shrugged his shoulders, and Jimmy got angry.
Cindy pointed to the result. "Hah! That's more like it." she said. "Now, let's see what kind of she-monster you get."
"Whatever." he replied. But before the girl could get the helmet off, the name ticked over to say "Jimmy Neutron."
Everyone gasped this time. "Wait no!" the girl objected. "It's probably not the last choice. It just has to roll over once more." She said as she and everyone else looked up at the screen. The name started blinking with the words "Perfect Match" displayed on top. "This can't be happening." She said after she took the helmet off for the second time.
Jimmy all but snatched it from her hands and angrily put the thing on his head. Enough was enough. As his results scrolled through, they went noticed neither by the masses nor by Cindy who was now in a heap on the ground. The girl was a nervous mess. Then Cindy tilted her head conscientiously towards him wearing a wriggled smile.
Jimmy's choler rose because of indignation. He was only occasionally a deformed monstrosity, and those were only because of an invention malfunctioning. That hardly ever happened now. There was no reason for her to have such an exaggerated reaction.
CUPIDO finally revealed his "perfect match." Predictably, it was Cindy. Even though he expected it to be her, as he was her "perfect match", somehow seeing it made him even angrier than he already was. He decided to blow things out of proportion, just like she did.
Throwing up his arms he hollered, "What! I can't wind up with a whiny girl!"
Cindy jumped to her feet at the statement. "Whiny?" she said, "You should be thrilled that broken machine landed on my name."
"I forgot. She's vain too."
"Look, buster! That thing says we're a perfect match. So you have two choices. Admit the machine was right, or, more logically, admit that your machine is imperfect." the girl smiled.
"You would love that wouldn't you?"
"Hey. It's the only obvious answer."
"I guess we have no choice then!" he yelled. "We're going out!"
"Fine!" Cindy yelled back in his face. "Huh?"
"Fine!" He said grabbing her hand, "We're a couple!" The boy still carried an angry scowl on his face.
Cindy looked at her hand, then to Jimmy's fuming face, and then she scowled just as hard. She nodded sharply. "Right!"
He spitefully pecked her on the cheek and she gave him the same angry kiss before they both looked away. The interaction worked its way in their minds. Their linked hands warmed each other and the still moment amplified the process of emotions.
Then the silence was broken by the subtle, raw heaving of one boy. "I like you!" Jimmy vociferated trying to emulate his previous ire, but bombing at the attempt. It ended up sounding very much like what it was- a firm confession.
"I like you too!" she yelled even less irate than he.
At this point, Jimmy's demeanor had completely changed. His eyes were softened until they strained in a vulnerable way. "Really?" he asked.
The present blush on the girl's face reddened. "Well, yeah."
"OK. This might actually work then." He said squeezing her hand.
Cindy smiled at him flirtatiously. "It just might." She said.
Cindy and Jimmy remained quietly watching each other as a gaggle of girls once again trampled over the former delivery boy. -All this just to get to CUPIDO and find their ideal match. Sadly for them, Sheen was already dealing with the machine.
"This thing is obviously broken." He said ripping the helmet off the contraption and calling it estupido.
-o-
Jimmy wisely spent his time preparing for his and Cindy's first mutual Valentine's Day date. He conferred with his friends his own elaborate plan for making the day flawless. It wasn't a topic that was nearly as boring as he thought it was before. Although, he had to admit that none of the boys really knew anything about how to make the day perfect. They had only crackpot theories of what they thought would work. Sheen planned an Ultra-Lord themed Valentine and Carl a Llama themed one. Libby would be expecting it, and Elki would be fine, but would Cindy really want a piece of his dwarf star as a gift?
Jimmy wondered if it would be too late to read her mind to find out what she wanted. Then he thought about it and smiled. The girl probably already had him figured out and would be expecting something that was so completely him. He forged a head with his half-already-planned, science-themed Valentine's Day adventure date. Cindy would not be disappointed.
-Fin
AN:
The blond delivery guy is not a self-insertion. I deviated from my original plan to have the blond boy be someone called Destiny. If you've read about Cupid, you find out that he wasn't so cute. He was very mischievous, and almost everyone who he struck with his arrow ended up dead because it was a stupid match. Cupid was also a bit of a momma's boy.
My original idea was to have a more angelic character (Destiny) be the driving force for a union between Cindy and Jimmy. This character would have also been a kind of rival to Cupid's work. (You will see allusions to that in this story.)
In order for this Destiny person to come full out during the end and for me to do everything I wanted to do, I would've had to have alluded to it better. When I wrote it in, it seemed forced, and no matter what changes I put in, it just didn't seem to work. So, I pulled it out and opted for a more natural story.
I haven't changed the title, because I think it still works with the machine being called CUPIDO.
Another idea I had while writing this one was that I could have had Cindy and Jimmy dating angrily- Jimmy for spite and Cindy for being Cindy. I think that could have been fun to do if it wasn't over the top. Then I realized that I wanted to be done with this puppy and I shoved those ideas out of my head. I'll save that for another day and another fic. You might see it in two to three years. :)
I feel my biggest weakness is in the ending and in the overall fast pace. All in all, I think I wrote a decent story. I'm posting, but I am sure I haven't caught all of the errors.
Reviews are always welcome and honest critiques are valued.