A/N: Dedicated to everyone and anyone who's ever felt like they mean nothing, are nothing, will become nothing. We're all worth something, or else we never would have been put on this planet. It's just that sometimes, we don't find that something. That's why we have to take a step out of the darkness and into the light (after all, you can't even see in the dark).
(Warning: Implied thoughts of self-harm and suicide. This is a somewhat dark fic.)
bruised and broken
but you are beautiful.
x
Take one look in the mirror then turn away.
Take one step towards the crowd then hesitate.
Take one bite then put the fork down.
Take one lie then turn it into twenty.
x
Lazy steps carry her nowhere. She wanders aimlessly as the clouds loom over, darkening the sky and her mood as well. Playing with the bottle inside of her jacket pocket, she listened as the sound of the pills' movements mocked her. She pauses for a moment, and takes out the bottle very slowly. Staring at it for what seemed like the longest time, she shoved back into her pocket and continued to walk towards where the sky and the clouds parted.
Things were going to be better. At least, that's what she kept telling herself.
It was no long until she reached the place she had come to call home, although it never felt that way. She made sure to sneak in quietly - it wasn't very hard when her parents paid for lessons on trivial things such as martial arts and other activities that forced her to learn the secrets of being sneaky and silent - and close the door softly behind her.
Even though she hated her room - it reminded her of everything she hated about her life - it was her only escape. Ignoring the trophies and certificates on the wall, she fell onto the bed with a soft thud. But there wasn't enough time for her to fall into her own world when loud pounding was heard from her door.
"Nellie! Your French lessons are in thirty minutes! Don't be late to the library!" her father's voice reminded her from the other side. She groaned into the pillow and squeezed it tight, all of her frustration unleashed in a way that wouldn't hurt. Although lately, she was tempted to see just how it'd feel like if it did hurt. Would if take away the pain of reality if it was physical instead?
She shook the thought away quickly and shed herself from her thick coat, grabbing a thinner one instead as she made her way for the door. On the way out, she passed by a mirror. She ignored it hastily as she left.
: :
It was her most dreaded class. The only one she ever contemplated ditching or dropping out of, but because her parents continued to 'encourage' her to finish the classes, she stayed.
"Nellie Gomez, it's your turn." Shakily, she stood up and made her way to the front of the class. The words were imprinted her mind just as they were on the flashcards earlier. Slowly, she began her speech. But it began with stammers and stutters, and she couldn't continue past the first paragraph. Without looking back, she left the classroom.
She spent all night trying to get out the looks on everyone's faces as they stared down upon her as they always had.
: :
She was hungry, but it didn't matter. Every time she looked into that mirror, she saw a face she hated, a body she loathed. It seemed like no matter how much physical exertion she put on her body, she never changed. She stayed boring and ugly, a face no one would look twice at.
But every day, she'd hear the pretty girls talk about how they skipped dinner last night. How they ate breakfast and came to school to throw up, how they ate one measly meal a day and it somehow kept them going. These were the girls with long legs and curvy bodies, the ones that all the boys stared at as they passed by.
Quietly, she put down the fork and excused herself from dinner. It didn't matter that she was starving because she just came back from soccer and martial arts. It didn't matter that she felt like she was about to collapse. What mattered was how she wanted to throw a rock at the mirror every time she looked at it.
She'd be pretty soon enough.
: :
All the pressure was starting to break her.
The stress from school, the exertion from all of her physical activities, the headaches from memorization, and everything else she was forced to endure - they were killing her from the inside out. Her parents looked at her with such proud eyes she never understood, and they expected so much from her, and she was -
- she was afraid.
What if she let them down? What if she ended up falling to pieces? Would they pick them up? Or would they discard her as a failure and leave her broken? Would they even care once their seemingly perfect daughter was gone?
She was no longer sure.
: :
Wobbling hands pried open the box and then the bottle. Slowly but surely, she ran the liquid through her hair and let it set in. She did not look into the mirror until she was sure it was time. She left the bathroom with shallow breaths.
She saw her reflection for the first time in her parents' eyes along with something else: fear.
A part of her was relieved because that meant she wasn't the only one.
It wasn't long until she sneaked off from classes to hang out with her 'friends'. But they weren't really her friends - they were people she met one day as she walked aimlessly around the park late at night. They dragged her out to somewhere they said would be 'fun'.
It was a piercing salon.
She came back home and a new look was again in her parents' face: disappointment.
And oh, how she hated it, but she couldn't stop doing it.
: :
It's dark and she's alone. The wind bangs against her windows, and while the sound should have been terrifying, it's soothing instead. She reaches into the jacket's pocket and feels the familiar pattern of the bottle's cap.
For the first time, she opened the bottle.
But it is in that moment that she realized how much she loved living. She thought about all she had done to get her where she was - the good and the bad - and everything she had left to do. She thought about the little kids she tutored in her spare time, and the friends - her real friends - who were still waiting for her to call them back. She thought about the promises she made to herself - to travel the world, to eat insects in a foreign world, to -
- to perhaps fall in love?
She thought about life and death and how, maybe, it'd be nice to give up everything for peace. To fall into an eternal slumber and to not have to worry about anything anymore. Grades, clubs, sports, everything. A pill fell into her hand.
A voice inside of herself told her to think harder.
She thought about her family and how they would miss her and how she was the only child, their only hope. The broken looks on their faces once they'd realize their only daughter - so strong, but so unknowingly broken - was now gone.
She thought about not having to let them down anymore. More pills fell.
One last voice came to her before her decision was made, and it was her own. Try harder.
The last thing she thought about was her unclear future before she let the night carry her away.
: :
She is now older and wiser, but foolish all the same. She cares after two children she considers her own, and every day, she watches after them as if her life depends on it.
In the morning, she looks out of the hotel window and out towards the gray skies above them. She thinks about how gloomy and desperate the world seems on this day. But, in the distance, she can see the slightest light, and she knows those days will come when the only thing seen is the blue sky and its shining sun.
She follows it every day, and never looks away.
: :
Sometimes they ask about her past, and she isn't hesitant to answer truthfully. She is not ashamed of what she had done, and she believes with all of her heart that it happened for a reason.
They never ask her about the incident though, when she almost -
- almost ruined everything.
She doesn't mind though. It is one of her fonder moments now, as it reminds her of why she chose to fight and to stay, rather than to run away. And if someone were to ever ask, she knows exactly what her reply would be:
"I saw my future and it was promising, so I stuck around. All I can say is that I'm glad I did."
: :
The future is unclear, that is all Nellie is sure of. But even though the light is blurred, it is there. It illuminates the dark world and holds a promise she wants to carry through with. Sometimes it looks foggy, though, and she becomes disorientated.
It is then when two young hands pull her out and the sky is clear once again.
A.N: Nellie is a strong character, and for that, she is gorgeous. But no one is born that way. We are who we are because of what happens to us. Even the strongest, even the surest fall. Self-doubt is the worst enemy of them all, however, because it comes from within and tears up apart that way.
(On a less emotional note, I don't know why I write everything in small parts these days. I tried not to in this fic, but that failed. Also just realized this was kind of angsty... and I owe you guys fluff. Oh, I apologize... -.-" And I kind of feel iffy about the ending. I might fix that later.)
Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed.