This story takes place in season 18, although Noah, Jesse, and Frannie don't exist, and the events of 18x04's "Heightened Emotions" never happened, so Amanda's sister is not living with her. Trigger warnings for descriptions of physical violence in this chapter and others, and sexual violence toward the end.
This fic will be a little bit odd because it will contain quite a mix of both very light and very dark moments (although definitely more dark moments) and Amanda will be pretty out of character and childlike because of the pain pills she is taking.
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Olivia Benson can't get the screaming out of her head.
She is riding in the back of an ambulance with her blonde colleague; crouched down close to Amanda Rollins who is sprawled across the gurney beside her, the younger woman moaning and gasping in pain. There is blood everywhere, the sticky red substance coating the detective's skin and clothing and dripping onto the floor of the vehicle. Her jacket and protective vest have been removed and are lying in a discarded heap next to Olivia's feet, slash marks from a knife visible in the material, as well as on Amanda's blouse and dress pants, the weapon having ripped right through portions of the garments and lacerating tender skin. Small wounds are peppering Amanda's upper chest, arms, and thighs, and one stands out starkly across her stomach, the weapon having slipped beneath her vest during the assault.
As a paramedic works quickly to insert an IV into her co-worker's forearm, the wails that have long since subsided continue to ricochet inside Olivia's brain, the now-imaginary sounds bouncing around harshly inside her skull, deafening in their intensity and leaving her with a faint ringing in the ears. The ungodly sounds had not been coming from Amanda herself, but the large man who had been trying like crazy to stab her, their suspect lashing out wildly with a kitchen knife while the smaller woman had struggled beneath him, Olivia and Fin and Carisi doing everything they possibly could to pry the savage man off of their colleague. Aside from ragged breaths and slight grunts, Amanda had been mostly silent during the sudden frenzied attack, likely too busy trying to protect herself to utter much noise and stunned by the unexpected ferocity of the situation, having been upright on her feet one second and flung across the ground in the next.
Olivia and her squad had been out in the field, hunting down a suspect in their latest rape case, the man absolutely nowhere to be seen at his residence until he had come charging out of a backyard shed before the area could be fully secured, Amanda right in his path. The younger woman's gun had been knocked from her hand, the weapon skittering across the lawn, and he had been on her in a flash, screaming obscenities into the air and striking out wildly with the knife, the sun glinting brightly off the sharp blade. The attack had been so fast and frantic, the man's movements so completely out of the control, that the knife had embedded itself over and over into the grass while he had hysterically struck out with it, only slicing through Amanda's skin during some of his attempts to cause bodily harm and luckily missing her more often than not.
It had been too difficult to attempt to shoot the suspect without killing Amanda in the process or injuring her further, the man not responding to their shouted orders to cease and desist, a horrifying thought flashing through Olivia's mind that they were actually about to watch their colleague get murdered right in front of them and determined to do absolutely everything she could to prevent that from happening. When the man had raised himself up for a split second, a shot to the shoulder from Fin's gun had caused him to roll right off of Amanda's thrashing, blood-streaked body, and he had collapsed to the ground, wailing in agony and dropping the knife. The suspect had been subdued and hustled away in his own ambulance after the two vehicles had arrived in front of the house, sirens blaring at top volume.
"You're going to be okay, honey," Olivia assures the small detective, gripping Amanda's hand tightly and giving it an encouraging squeeze when the younger woman lets out another low, breathy moan.
Her heart is racing madly in her chest, nervous sweat matting her thick dark hair to her forehead as Olivia tries desperately to keep calm. A modicum of relief unfurls within her as the paramedic explains that the numerous wounds look to be mostly superficial, the knife having glanced off of Amanda's body more often than fully penetrating her, due to the suspect's wild lack of control while stabbing and the squad's frantic efforts to pull the man off of their teammate before further harm could be done. Although several of the cuts are deeper and likely very painful and will definitely require stitches, the majority of them are just grazes and certainly not life-threatening. There is an incredible amount of blood for injuries that are turning out to be relatively minor, and Olivia has a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, mentally urging the ambulance to go faster, as she will not feel fully relieved until Amanda has been examined by the doctor waiting for them in the emergency room.
"Liv, it hurts," Amanda whimpers, fixing pain-filled blue eyes upon her, and Olivia squeezes her hand again, listening as the paramedic tells her colleague that he is going to take care of the discomfort right away and she should be feeling better shortly.
Olivia watches as he injects something into the IV through a needle, the other woman's tense expression and bunched muscles relaxing almost immediately, the pain seeming to ebb from her body and melting away entirely. Amanda is still looking at her, the small detective appearing dazed and sleepy now, the tight grip she has on Olivia's hand loosening and becoming slack. She continues to crouch on the floor beside the gurney as they head toward the hospital, running a soothing hand over her co-worker's blonde head until Amanda's eyes begin to droop closed.
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Olivia is pacing around inside the confined space of the emergency room cubicle, listening to the buzzing of conversations all around her, the beeping of machines and the moaning of patients, an occasional burst of laughter from a merry conversation between nurses breaking up the otherwise depressing atmosphere. Amanda has been all patched up, several of the wounds requiring stitches, and is lying listlessly on the cot in front of her, Fin and Carisi having joined them at the hospital as soon as they were able. Fin is caressing an uncharacteristically gentle hand through his partner's long hair, Carisi perched anxiously on the edge of the bed next to his fellow detective, and Olivia can plainly see how worried they both are despite Amanda's prognosis for a full and speedy recovery, the other woman able to leave the hospital shortly and not even requiring an overnight stay.
The entire squad has been shaken right to the core after witnessing the chaotic scene that had played out that afternoon, one of their own nearly murdered right before their eyes. Olivia's clothes still bare the telltale signs of Amanda's struggle for life, streaks of her colleague's blood staining her blazer and pants, and there are dark red flecks stuck beneath her fingernails, leftover from when she had gripped the younger woman's hand so hard in the ambulance, originally thinking that Amanda had been hurt much worse than she had, and desperately willing her to just hold on until they arrived at the hospital.
The man who had attacked Amanda is also in the building, undergoing emergency surgery in an operating room on a floor upstairs. Fin's gunshot wound hadn't caused a large amount of damage, but the self-inflicted knife wounds that the paramedics had found on the suspect's body had. In the ensuing mayhem after the man had flung himself out of the shed and launched his large body onto Amanda's much smaller one, swinging wildly with the knife, not one of them had realized that he had also been bleeding profusely through his dark winter clothing, apparently having stabbed himself in the torso several times before they had arrived, and that his blood had been mixing in with Amanda's when the knife had been slicing through the detective's tender skin, giving the appearance that Amanda had bled from her wounds much more than she actually had.
The injuries that the smaller woman had sustained are proving to be quite painful, even without the more serious element of deeper cuts, as the ugly wounds are peppered quite regularly over the areas of her body that had been surrounding her protective vest. Olivia had felt sick when she had taken another look at the garment upon exiting the ambulance, the material designed to safeguard against gunshots and not sudden attacks by knife-wielding maniacs, parts of the garment having been slashed to ribbons. She doesn't even want to think what would have happened if Amanda hadn't been wearing it, though, as the vest had at least afforded a small amount of protection, not allowing the knife to penetrate deeper than it had.
When Amanda lets out a low, prolonged moan on the bed, trying unsuccessfully to roll over onto her side while clutching at the stab wound on her stomach, the large hospital gown she is clad in dwarfing her small frame, Fin seems to lose what little patience he had arrived with and stalks out of the cubicle to demand more pain relief for his partner.
"Hey, it's okay, Amanda, we're going to get you some more of the good stuff," Carisi assures the youngest member of their group, and Amanda nods in response, blue eyes clenched shut, her face pale and drawn, fingers squeezing the bed sheets so tightly that her knuckles appear bloodless.
Olivia reaches out to stroke a tender palm over Amanda's hand, trying to get the smaller woman to loosen her death grip on the sheets, as a nurse comes into the tiny space to deliver another shot of painkillers, Fin quick on her heels, his expression fixed into a deep scowl.
Like it had in the ambulance, the medication seems to take immediate effect, these drugs appearing to be even stronger than the ones previous, and Olivia can see Amanda slowly unraveling as they kick in; a relief overtaking the pain once again, silliness replacing the serious, and a more childish version of Amanda emerging from the adult.
The blonde detective lets out a sudden woozy giggle, and they all laugh along with her, the ice broken and the small space at once filled with a much-needed sense of comfort and consolation as Amanda's suffering begins to ease and she experiences a brief respite from the pain. Her head lolls limply on the pillow as the rest of the squad begins to discuss the plans for the night, the hours having ticked away into the late evening.
"Okay, we need to decide what's going to happen for the remainder of the night," Fin says, and Olivia nods her agreement, along with Carisi. "One of us is going to need to go home with her."
Amanda is clearly tuned into the conversation now, despite the drugs coursing through her system, and she regards them all with a suspicious gaze, blonde eyebrows pulled down into an offended frown. "I'm fine, Fin. I can take care of myself," she mutters with a seemingly unconcerned wave of her hand. "I don't need a babysitter."
"I'm afraid this is not an option, baby girl," the older man replies, his tone gentle but with an underlying current of steel, warning his partner not to argue with him. "You're injured and in pain and on lots of medication. You can't go home alone in this condition."
"You can't tell me what to do, Fin," Amanda answers stubbornly, her voice slightly slurred and her blue eyes appearing to lose their focus.
"Oh, yes I can," he says firmly. "This is non-negotiable, Amanda. Choose one of us to take you home, or we'll choose for you."
Olivia watches as Amanda appears to pout for a moment before looking at each one of her teammates in turn, spearing them intently with her hazy blue gaze, clearly considering her options very carefully, the younger woman's eyes finally coming to rest on her.
"Okay, fine, I choose Lieutenant Livvy," Amanda mumbles, pointing a shaky finger in Olivia's general direction.
"Lieutenant Livvy?" Carisi repeats with a surprised snicker, and Olivia can hear Fin snorting in amusement under his breath.
"Yes, I want my favorite boss," Amanda confirms, a drugged smile stretching across her face as she continues to regard Olivia with a foggy gaze, and her own lips twitch in response to the younger woman's confession, not sure whether to be relieved or concerned that Amanda has chosen her.
She is well aware that out of the three of them, Fin and Carisi and herself, she is by far the least-liked member of the group when it comes to Amanda's personal preferences and opinions on her squad members; Olivia and the other woman sharing a somewhat confusing relationship at the precinct, seeming to swing back and forth quite regularly with their trust of one another, not to mention a whole host of other issues that have never been fully dealt with. While Amanda shares rich and deep friendships and connections outside of work with both Fin and Carisi, the younger woman having grown quite close to the men on their team, the same cannot be said about her relationship or lack thereof with Olivia.
Carisi is still smirking in hilarity over Amanda's choice of which person to take home with her, a war of mixed feelings winding their way through Olivia's system, when she feels Fin take hold of her arm and gently pull her aside.
"Hey, Liv, I feel that I should warn you about something," the older man says quietly, the concern very evident in his tone.
"Oh? What's that?" she replies, keeping her voice at a low volume so the junior members of their squad don't overhear.
"Amanda doesn't tolerate pain medication very well," he continues, inclining his head toward his partner as the younger woman reaches out with one finger to poke Carisi in the ribs and then giggles at her action, proving Fin's point. "I spent a lot of time with her after she got shot, and her moods are all over the place when she's on these kind of drugs. One minute she's up, the next minute she's down, and things can go from light to dark with the snap of a finger."
He hesitates for a moment. "She talked a lot about monsters the last time something like this happened, but I could never get a straight answer from her when I asked her what she meant. She would just start laughing in response. Our conversations were often quite confusing and didn't make much sense, and she didn't remember anything we had been discussing when she finally came down from her high." There is another brief hesitation. "She's a bit of a handful."
"When isn't she a handful?" Olivia asks wryly, quirking an eyebrow at him in response, and Fin chuckles in acknowledgment.
"Well, I guess you're right about that," he replies lightly, and Olivia observes him grinning affectionately at his partner, Carisi wisely choosing to move off the side of the bed as Amanda's roving fingers come after him, apparently looking for a tickle fight.
Olivia shakes her head slightly at the scene playing out before her, Carisi now standing beside the hospital bed as Amanda repeatedly reaches out for him, the IV attached to her arm swinging precariously in the air, obviously wanting her fellow detective to engage with her. The younger man's ears have turned pink from the uncharacteristically silly attention being paid toward him, and Fin snickers at Carisi's clear embarrassment and discomfort with the situation.
"Well, I'm sure it's nothing that I can't handle," Olivia answers slowly, cocking her head to the side as she observes Amanda's goofy behavior, but there is a tinge of doubt in her voice as she says the words while stepping back toward the bed.
"Okay, Amanda, are you sure this is what you want?" she asks, raising her voice to be heard over the smaller woman's constant chuckles, Amanda's extreme amusement with her teasing of Carisi filling the little space with a strangely joyful noise, considering the circumstances they are currently in.
"Huh?" the blonde detective responds sluggishly, redirecting her gaze from Carisi and staring at Olivia as if having completely forgotten that her lieutenant is standing right there in front of her. "What do I want?"
Olivia stifles a sigh of impatience as she leans down to put a soft hand on Amanda's forearm, making sure the other woman's attention remains focused solely on her, so that the detective understands exactly what is going on in her drug-addled state.
"Are you okay with me coming home with you for the night?" Olivia says with raised eyebrows, wanting to be absolutely clear in reminding Amanda that she has indeed chosen her boss to be the babysitter, so to speak, but that it is okay to change her mind at any time before they leave the hospital.
"You're coming home with me?" Amanda replies in confusion, blonde tangle of hair spilling down one shoulder as she tilts her head to the side, squinting up at Olivia like the medication has made it hard for her to see properly.
Before Olivia can respond, Fin is crouching down next to the bed, letting out the same loud sigh of exasperation that Olivia had just been trying so hard to hold in. The older man's usually calm and collected demeanor seems quite frazzled now, his nerves raw and frayed to the breaking point as he grips onto his partner's hand and squeezes in both annoyance and protection, Amanda's exhausted gaze now swinging back and forth between Fin and Olivia in a somewhat perplexed manner.
Olivia lays a gentle hand on her colleague's shoulder, feeling Fin's tense muscles bunching tightly beneath her touch, and she knows that it is going to take some time for all of them to recover from this unexpectedly terrifying day; that although they are pulling together as a team to take care of one of their own while she is down and out, the array of carefully contained feelings and emotions simmering just below the surface are threatening to explode. They have been in this situation far too many times now; colleagues injured in the field, some beyond help, and although Amanda will likely be back on the job within the next few weeks, absolutely fine and fit for duty, Olivia is well aware that what had taken place that afternoon goes way beyond the physical component of healing and that she needs to keep a very close eye on her team; needs to make sure that they are all okay in every sense of the word.
"Do you remember what we just talked about, baby girl?" Fin inquires softly, moving a stray hair out of his partner's face, and Amanda gives him a drugged grin in return, shrugging her shoulders as if to say she has no idea what is going on.
Olivia crouches down on the opposite side of the bed, tangling her fingers with Amanda's other hand and grasping firmly. "Is it okay if I come home with you for the night to take care of you?" she asks very gently, any lingering feelings of impatience melting away when she observes how vulnerable the other woman looks in her large hospital gown, a dark purple bruise forming around the IV taped to her forearm and spreading out to encompass the surrounding pale skin, faint streaks of blood still visible on the exposed parts of her body.
Amanda turns her drugged grin on Olivia and grips her hand back with a surprising amount of strength, apparently changing her mind about not needing a babysitter; either unable to remember the contentious relationship that she and her lieutenant share or choosing to ignore it altogether, her eagerness to spend time with Olivia quite apparent when she speaks her next words.
"Sure, that's okay with me, Livvy!" Amanda slurs enthusiastically in response. "I want you to come home with me. I want my favorite boss to take care of me."