This fic is for flowergarlic, who made my day with a review she left me. This is my way of saying "thanks for reviewing! Love ya!". Now, she requested for a bit of slashy humor starring cute Remus
and crazy Sirius. Hope this fic lives up to your expectations, dear!

Spread the love, Read and Review!

Charlie

People tend to go a little crazy about me. For some, it just takes a look at me and, without further ado, they become completely besotted. Mind you, it's a rare phenomenon that happens to 1 out of 100,000. Still, it happens often enough for me to be cautious around people in general, which is why I'm not a flirtatious kind of bloke. My guess is that it has something to do with werewolf's pheromones.

Anyway, it's not like what happens with Sirius: he's handsome and charming, so it just takes a smile for girls all over to swoon. He's so sought after that any normal boyfriend would go green with jealousy. And he likes to flirt too, the insufferable prick. But I don't care; I'm not the jealous type. He wants to flirt? He can do it. He wants to smile seductively at our blonde, fit waiter? He's a free wizard, I won't stop him. He wants to ask in the roughest, sexiest tone for a plain glass of water? Go ahead, Sirius, I don't mind.

I'm not the jealous type. I'm just the vindictive type. And two can play this game.

'It's getting so warm in here, right?' I ask, removing my scarf slowly. The waiter seems a little shocked; he probably must have never noticed me in the first place. But that's alright, its normal when you hang around with someone like Sirius.

'Beg your pardon?' he says. He's not bad looking: tall, dark, with piercing green eyes. Must be why he's acting like such a self-confident whore.

'I said-' I remove my sweater '-it's really warm in here-' I flung my hair from side to side '-don't you reckon?'

The waiter, John Doe, is frozen. I look up to him with my golden eyes full of lust, clad in a denim shirt in the middle of winter, eyeing him up as if he were the most delicious piece of meat ever. And what do you know, he's blushing bright red.

'Ahem' coughs a voice beside me. John Doe is so transfixed he's forgotten all about the grey eyed creature sitting next to me. I smile devilishly, like Marlon Brandon on that black and white movie in which he's a sexy, obnoxious prat. John Doe starts to sweat.

'That'll be all, then. Check, please' says Sirius. The waiter nods absently, having heard nothing at all. A voice inside me laughs maliciously. Sirius does not like to be ignored. He'll surely be hitting the table in three, two, one…

A bang drags the waiter from his reverie, still red on the face and sweaty on the palms. I smile again and bow my head, focusing on my coffee. I can feel Sirius shaking slightly by my side.

'Ah, so I've got your attention back. You might want to try doing your job and stop flirting with your costumers, how about that?'

The waiter nods, obviously embarrassed, and runs to get us our check. Poor man, hopefully that'll teach him to flirt only with his right hand, instead of my boyfriend.

'Having fun, Remus?' asks Sirius with his voice full of anger. Honestly, the hypocrisy!

'Yes, it's been a most enjoyable evening' I say, looking at him with perfectly innocent eyes. Now that I see him, he's kind of red in the face, his jaw slacked and his eyes almost black. Good.

'You enjoy flirting with the waiter, I see' he clenches his fists. I smile tenderly, like a little girl would smile to a newborn puppy. Or like a hungry werewolf would smile to a little girl.

'In the name of my cleanest woolen socks, I have no idea what you're talking about' I answer, winking an eye at him. He's furious by now, I can see, and it would take nothing for me to set him off completely. But I wouldn't do it, only a Slytherin sort of person would do something like that.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I grab my coffee cup and, in a (not really) discreet manner, eye the arse of the waiter. It's lanky and unattractive, but I behave as if Merlin himself had bewitched it to be the most wonderful arse in the story of Male Arses. Sirius will go mad in three, two, one…

'Why that little piece of…! You!' Sirius jumps off his chair, the force of his enraged magic pushing it all over to the wall. He heads towards the poor waiter, who looks terrified by now. He can't do anything to avoid the predictable – and yet unstoppable- fist that comes his way and ends on his jaw. The waiter's mouth starts to bleed, the male customers of the café grab Sirius by the shoulders, the women scream, the children cheer, the employees shoot towards Sirius. And I…I do the most sensible thing. I blush, mutter an "I can't believe this!", shake my head with embarrassment and walk out of the place. Without paying the check.

Sirius will follow me in three, two, one…

'Rem! Rem, wait!' I hear him yell. I don't turn around, not even when he grabs mi wrist and tries to stop me. I avoid any eye contact (if I look at him I might just burst into laughter), and he takes it as if I were ashamed of him. Predictable old Padfoot.

'Rem, I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Please look at me! Please, love, don't do this to me!'

Should I surrender now that he's begging? Or do I make him beg a little longer?

Then, a lovely brunette girl walks past by us and eats him with her eyes.

Let him beg.

'I go crazy when lads throw themselves at you, Remus, you know that. I'm a jealous prick, forgive me! Don't leave me, I was such an idiot!' He's desperate. Took him ages to convince me to go out with him and now he's always afraid he'll lose me. Serves him right, someone must keep his ego under control.

We've reached a deserted alley which is perfect to Aparate from. I turn to him and see his state: there are two bruises on his cheeks (probably were the employees hit him trying to defend their partner), his hair is ruffled, his black turtle neck sweater disheaveled.

He's got that sexy I-just-battled-against-twenty-Death-Eaters kind of look that I love. Should I give in now? Has he suffered enough?

'You just got us banned from my favourite coffee shop. I don't know if I can forgive you for that' I whisper, as if I really gave a dead rat's head over it. He has the decency enough to look ashamed.

'That bloody twat was flirting with you. He didn't even blink when you were taking off your sweater' he half accuses. I growl.

'You mean I was provoking him? You think that low of me?' I spit, offended. Alas, I was provoking the poor lad, but that's not even remotely the point.

'No!' he amends 'I mean that he was ready to eat you. He fancied you' says Sirius, taking a step forward. I take a step back.

'That's not really my fault, is it? He was probably just trying to get your attention. You know, after the whole "Can you get me a glass of your best water, please?" show!' I say, imitating his rough, sensual voice.

He then takes another step forward, and I another step backwards.

'I like to make people squirm, Remus. You know that'

I frown. He moves forward again, I hit the wall with my back.

'You should establish your squirming priorities then, Sirius' I whisper, bowing my head a little and giving him that look that drives him mad. He begins to sweat.

'I like to make you more than squirm, Moony' he says, putting his hands on each side of my head and leaning.

'Oh, really? I don't know, keep flirting with random people and I might not allow you near me ever again…'

'I won't even look at anyone again' he says, his voice rough and sexy and jealous. When he finally leans forward and kisses me, I smile. My mother was right, I'm an evil little man.

I'm not the jealous type. Not at all, am I?