Title: Struggles
Series: Gundam Wing
Pairings: 1+3, implied 1+2+1, 3+4+1, 2+H
Category: Angst
Warnings: Shounen-ai, slight OOC
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.
Author's Notes: The story hit me after my friend Archangel read 2 fics to me 'bout Trowa getting married to Quatre. I had always wanted to write an explanation about the *thing* that happened between Trowa and Heero that led to their separation and *this* is only one of the ideas that I've had in mind. I got this thing in my head that said, "You *must* write this fic!" The OOC was really needed for the story to be effective ^_^

//--past events--\\

"Struggles"
by Fall

"...'Winner-Barton Nuptials'...We are honored to inform you of this forthcoming union between Quatre Raberba Winner and Trowa Barton...We request the presence of Mr. Heero Yuy and company...May you grace their happiness with your compliance as to attend both the ceremonies and the reception..."

Heero sat at the edge of his bed, staring at the wall in front of him, unable to comprehend the whole truth that the formal invitation had wrought in him. He was in such state as when Trowa had left him half an hour ago.

This can't be true, he thought to himself, still reeling from the blow that Trowa had given him. Yet, I could still remember all that had happened a few minutes ago. I thought I would die right then and there. But I wouldn't give in then and show him that.

He was proud. Too proud in that sense. But that same pride of his had saved him his dignity while he felt the sting of Trowa's words. He could still feel the pain and anguish that swallowed his whole being as he took in the whole meaning of Trowa's visit. Heero's eyes dimmed with unshed tears. He knew only too well that tears would not change everything that had happened. But tears of sorrow couldn't be diminished by sensibility, especially if the heart has something to do with it. Defeated, he lowered his head and let his tears flow...and his mind went back to the memories that had caused him so much grief...

------------------------------

// Knock-knock.

Who the hell would knock at this point of time? Heero grunted to himself, as he groggily went to open the door. Don't they know that it's late---

"Um...hi Heero...uh...mind if I come in?" It was Trowa. And he had seemed somewhat unsure of himself.

Heero was speechless then. He hadn't expected a visit from him...not after...

"Um...I know that its already late. This would only take a minute. Please..." Trowa had added. "This means so much to me."

It was all Heero could do to keep from shutting the door in Trowa's face. He was quite mystified with this visit. "Sure. Come in." He remembered saying in his perfect Spartan way.

As he closed the door, he had felt that familiar atmosphere of tension that pervades them both whenever they're within an eye's view of each other. He swallowed the lump in his throat and turned to face his guest. Trowa had seemed careful with his own eyes then. He seldom looked Heero in the eye squarely; they were both trying not to have eye contact.

"Sit down and start your business." Was all Heero could think of anything proper to say.

"Thanks...but I think you'll need it more than I'll do." Trowa had said, seemingly intending to say the right words too.

Without a word, Heero accepted this. He sat down at the chair nearest him, and faced the other pilot. They both remained in silence, waiting for the other to commence their conversation. Both felt the barrier that stood between them, a wall so thick and tall that they found it hard to get over it. The barrier that had haunted them both all these time...the same barrier that had shielded them both from any more hurting all these time... Trowa was the first to break the ice.

"Um...Heero...I know that we had had a few misunderstandings, a few months back...but I think its now time to forget them and leave everything behind." Trowa had said.

"Are you saying that we should call a truce? " Heero had said in measured words. "But we don't need to fix anything. All we did was to make the decision that best suited either of us. Nothing more, nothing less."

"Yes there is something, and we both know it."

"Let's leave that damn thing closed!" Heero practically spat out.

"See. You're not even letting us piece the broken fragments that we've left scattered." Trowa had said in a calm tone, as all uncertainties appeared to be erased completely from his countenance.

"This argument won't lead us nowhere. Spill it out now." Heero had said coolly, as he tried to conceal the strange feeling of agony in his heart.

"We need to straighten out things first before I tell you what had really prompted my going to see you here." Trowa had said with determination in his calm voice.

"Now out with it. You want us to have a truce right? " Heero had said, his voice cold and uncaring, masking the increasing panic in his chest.

"Yes."

Heero only looked at him quietly, waiting for him to appease the alarming distress that had seemed to echo in his mind. But Trowa remained silent. Slowly, he walked to the window and turned his back on him. It was like he was burdened by something. Something that he was about to do. Heero had sensed this. He could hardly contain his bursting sea of emotions.

"What's the catch, Trowa?" he suddenly asked.

"Huh?"

"There is one...right?"

Trowa had lowered his head at these words. It was like he was weighing something heavy in his conscience...it was like he was hesitating...but maybe Heero was just imagining it all...or maybe not...Why is he doing this?, the thought reverberated through his mind. Maybe he was right. There *is* a catch. There has to be. Trowa's not just doing this for the mere sense of restoring their lost relationship...as Heero had thought...he was doing this for something else...or maybe...

"What is it?" he'd stood up too and went to face Trowa. But as he uttered these words, Heero felt a twinge of fear cascading through his veins. But he had to ask him...he just had to know.

Without a word, the emerald-eyed pilot looked away as he slowly handed the cobalt blue eyed one an envelope. With trembling hands, the perfect soldier painstakingly opened the envelope and read its contents. As soon as his eyes fell on the first sentence, he felt as if he would die.

It was an invitation for a wedding.

Trowa and Quatre's wedding.

They're getting married...this can't be..and these words repeated itself over and over again in his mind.

Trowa had at last summoned the courage to face Heero in the eye. But when he looked at him, all he saw were his moss green locks of hair. Heero had lowered his head to hide the aching of his heart, for the words had crumbled his world into pieces. Trowa couldn't bear to see him distressed like that. He had to be, for as he placed a hand on the other boy's shoulder, he felt the uncontrollable shaking that had taken over Heero's delicate frame.

"Forgive me," he had quietly said.

"So...you and Quatre are getting married in a month...why didn't you tell me sooner?" These words had cost him so much to speak, and his voice had a slight quiver in it. He affected to place the invitation back in its envelope carefully, so as to avoid eye contact with the tall boy.

"I've been meaning to...but I was quite afraid of its impact on you...you know why..."

But Heero wasn't listening. He was still stupefied from the shock that hit him. All he could think of was ...this can't be true...

"Heero..." Trowa had said, in a voice he remembered so well. "Before I...before I commit myself entirely to Quatre...I would like to be assured of our friendship... I don't want us to stay cold and distant from each other...and...I would like to break down the barrier between us...I'm so sorry for everything...please, Heero..."

"That's what Quatre had wanted you to do, isn't it...?"

"Yes...but only partly...I mean...I had really wanted to do this for so long..."

"Then tell him that he need not fear for I won't come anyway."

"But you have to come..." It was now Trowa's turn to fight back tears. "Please, Heero," he added, as he took both hands into his, as Heero refused to look. "You have to be there...I...I want you to share in my happiness...please...It would mean so much to me..." and his voice trailed off.

How about me? Heero had wanted to scream. You came here to invite me to attend your wedding, in which my attendance would mean so much to you? You want me to share in your happiness? How about me? The mere thought of your marrying that damn blond boy crushes me into pieces. What more if I attend it? I would die of heartache when the 'I do' part comes in!

"Heero..." Trowa had spoken his name quietly.

Reluctantly, he had looked into those intense emerald eyes that never gave him peace, even in his sleep. Without thinking, he raised his lips to his, and kissed him passionately, yet softly. Trowa had neither fought nor surrendered to him. He just said softly, "I'm sorry."

Heero struggled to contain all the pain and anguish that he felt as he pulled away. He won't let him see the tears that dangerously threatened to flow from his eyes. "You love him so much...don't you?" He abruptly pulled his hands away from Trowa's.

"Yes...you're right. I do love Quatre so much." Trowa admitted. "But I did love you then, if only as a friend. You *are* my friend...the best I had...next to Quatre...please say that you've forgiven me after all this time..." and again, his voice trailed off.

Friend..."You did nothing...we're both to blame...I made the decision...see...I was right after all...it turned out for the best...you're happy now...and its all that matters..." and Heero held out his hand; the cobalt-blue eyes were shining with repressed tears. I was only his *friend*...

Trowa received it and thanked him sincerely with his eyes.

"I wish the both of you happiness on your wedding day...I hope the best for you...and..."

"Promise me you're coming."

"I'll try. But don't entirely expect on it."

"I wish you'll come..."

"Depends."

And with that, Heero sat down at the edge of his bed, with the envelope still held in his hands, and avoided Trowa's eyes completely. His eyes were swimming in unshed tears.

"So...I guess...see you then...goodbye, Heero...sorry for the trouble and...thanks for everything."

Yeah...I guess its goodbye...Trowa...Heero had said to himself then.

Seeing that Heero won't look, nor speak a word, Trowa slowly stepped out of the room. But he did look back once, as if waiting for something. But Heero had too much pride as to let him see the glistening mist in his eyes. He just stared at the wall facing him, observing the other boy at the corner of his eye. Trowa shook his head as he closed the door, leaving Heero in such state. Only then did he let the tears so long held flow freely from the depths of his cobalt-blue eyes. \\

-------------------------------

Shaking his head to free his mind from this haunting memory, Heero struggled to contain them.

I was trained to be a perfect soldier. He reasoned out. I shouldn't be crying like this over such a small thing. All my life I had been struggling to bury and fight back feelings of any kind. I was taught not to surrender to grief; I was told not to cherish any soft spot in my whole being; I wasn't suppose to show any emotion to others; and I never did. All my life...this was the case...except once...and from here, Heero found himself reminiscing his past...

I remember a time when I had been so cold. I never cared for anything...not even for anyone...But once in my life, I learned to live out that side of me that I had never thought to exist: and I owe it all to one person. And...it was to him...Trowa Barton...eyes shimmering with tears, he took out from his pocket, the necklace that the emerald eyed pilot had given him, three nights after Heero got hurt in a mission.

He gave me this a few months back...and Heero held tightly the object. I remember waking up to a vision of a worried Trowa, hovering by my bedside. He was clutching my hand tightly...it was as if he was afraid that I would altogether slip away forever from him, once he loosens his hold. So weak was I then, that I couldn't quite keep my eyes open for a bit longer. But the tears that fell on my arms had felt so real. He smiled tearfully at the memory. I then tried to pry open my eyes...and there he really was: the love of my life was crying. He was sorry. He said he was. He had blamed himself for coming too late to my rescue...but no. It was my fault. It was my stubbornness to blame. I had wanted to go alone. It was supposed to be our mission...but I hadn't wanted him to get hurt...the mission was a dangerous one. Heero looked at the object in his hand. The result: I nearly got myself killed with that blasted self-destruct device. He shook his head in disgust at his own recklessness. "It was a foolish thing to do." Those were his precise words. He did lecture me on that thing for what seemed to be the thousandth time. A deep sigh escaped from him, and he tightened his grip on the precious keepsake. Trowa had given me this as a talisman against all kinds of hurts...he'd told me to keep it always with me...never to lose this...for with this being with me...he was assured that I'd always be safe...from anything...even if he's miles away from me...but now...his eyes fell on the envelope that he still held in his other hand. He let the paper fall to the floor.

He'd taught me how to love and how to be loved; he had taught me the true meaning of love. For the first time in my life, I had wanted to live: I had wanted to live for him...yes...he taught me to have emotions...to let them all out and be all right...but the same lessons had prompted me to lose my beloved teacher...he sighed deeply.

Heero gazed at the object in his hand: hanging on the chain was an angel of goodwill; and it was holding a harp. Behind the figure was an inscription bearing the precious words, and with Trowa's name inscribed:

I love you always. Trowa.

Yes...once we were together...but I had to make a decision...Heero stood up and walked over to the window. At that time...we each have our own lives...you have your Quatre...and I have my Duo...he smiled bitterly. It was so wrong of us to follow our desires when we were committed to others...But what could I do? I was only human, as you've said. You even teased me that I should follow my feelings, that it was my turn to practice what I preach. You came at the point when I was so vulnerable...I gave in...it isn't for nothing...its because...a fresh batch of tears welled in his eyes. He found it so hard to say the words he never has the chance to say to him...ever again.

I've loved him then...and I'll always do...I was a fool to let him go...but that was the right thing...eyes blurred by tears, he lifted them up to the night. It *was* the right thing to do...Duo came first...and in his case...Quatre came first...we couldn't go on and hurt the ones to whom we were committed first...ours wasn't destined to be...the emotions that he had so carefully nurtured in me had made this decision...he closed his eyes as he pocketed the necklace.

I let him go...for Quatre's sake...and for Duo's sake...if only we've met before...and he balled his hand into a fist and struck the wall. The impact was so hard that it bruised his fist. But he didn't care. Maybe I was wrong...but it was right...it has to be...although I was left with nothing...with no one...I share Duo with Hilde...fine by me...sometimes...Relena?...she has never meant any thing to me...she was just a friend...but Trowa....he's lost from me forever...and I can't do anything about it...and his gaze landed on the envelope by the floor...

I was right...he has found the one who deserves him...the one to love him and only him...and now they're getting married...His laptop suddenly beeped: there was a new mission sent for him. He ignored it and continued with his stream of thoughts.

He was happy with him...all these time that I had known him to be involved with Quatre...I had never seen him as contented as this...I knew he was happy...I've seen it in his eyes...especially today...he slumped over to his desk and picked up the invitation. I hope that he would find true happiness with him...but yet...I'm so lonely...I've never felt so empty in my life ever since he left it...he had been everything to me...but its not right...what am I to do...I'm so confused as to reflect on this...

His thoughts went back to Trowa's happy face when they were still together...then, it shifted to the questioning pained looks in Duo's and Quatre's eyes...then the image changed into the look of hurt in Trowa's shimmering emerald eyes when Heero finally decided to end everything...it then transferred into his own image with the identical look of hurt in his eyes when Trowa decided to really end everything...every single thing between them...and then altered to the time when he had handed the invitation to his wedding...the last image that lingered in his mind was his happy face...an hour ago...as he admitted his love for that blond boy...

Slowly...Heero got up and went to his laptop. He glanced at the message written on it, then at the invitation in his hand. He closed the laptop. He had made his decision. And there's no turning back.

He took the invitation from the envelope; crumpled it and threw it in the trash. He walked out of the room and closed the door gently. He walked slowly towards to where his gundam was, hardly caring for the chilling breeze that shrouded him.

Before going up to his gundam, he threw something onto the gundam Heavyarms next to his: a rolled up paper. It was the invitation, and tied to it was the necklace that he had so cherished, forever so long. It landed on the floor, next to Heavyarms.

Seeing this, Heero closed his eyes as he got inside his gundam. Only then did he whisper, "Trowa…thank you for teaching me to let go..." As he flew into the cold and chilly night, tears were falling from his eyes...

Someone approached the place wherein Heero had let fall something. He picked it up and held the paper tightly to him. He recognized the necklace tied to it...and his shining emerald eyes followed the flight of the gundam into the night...

- End