I haven't watched DBZ in a while and just read a lot of fanfics, but I hope I'll be able to entertain with some stuff I thought up playing Budokai and Budokai 3 and on the spot. I own nothing.
Foreword
Let's see…the plotline is that Cell, for whatever AU-ish reasons of randomness, is now living at Capsule Corp in some spare building or another and he's really obnoxious to a certain prince. That's just the base plot that this'll develop from. Not sure of the time period but…guess it's post-Buu? Anyway, let's move on.
Chapter 1
Cell awoke in his cushy bed at 6:30 in the morning. He smiled as he looked out the window at the sun rising over the horizon and decided to jump up and sing.
"Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a beautiful day!" the odd android cried in a fine, bass tenor (if that even makes sense). He skipped merrily to his bathroom and began to sing louder as he turned on the shower and started to scrub off the grime he'd managed to accumulate the day before when he had been heading to the grocery store and made an unscheduled detour through a manure truck and the sewers (don't ask). Drying off and looking at his handsome, white face in the mirror, he winked at his reflection and asked it, "Who's that sexy, perfect devil?" As the readers cringed (or not), he skipped merrily out the front door, singing again, louder this time, as he made his way over to the building that Vegeta and Bulma lived in, intending to raid their fridge because his was empty. "Oh, what a beautiful day!" he sang very noisily as he pulled out a card key from who-knows-where-or-wants-to-know and opened their door. As he entered the main room, still singing at the top of his lungs, a ki-propelled shoe suddenly came shooting down the stairs and clocked him in the head.
"Knock off that infernal singing you bug-like freak of a so-called perfect android!" came a certain Saiyan prince's angry voice from his room upstairs.
"Quite the curveball!" Cell called back merrily. "You need to teach me that sometime!"
"Go to HFIL!" Vegeta retorted, throwing a ki-propelled TV at the silly android. Cell ducked it and decided to proceed to the fridge and relieve it of all of its meat and dairy products. Whistling his theme, which, by all rights, he shouldn't even know, he proceeded to cook up breakfast with Bulma's stove and utensils.
"Ugh…Cell?" Bulma came into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes and stifling a yawn. "What are you doing here?"
"Making breakfast, my good Bulma," the ever-chipper Cell replied as he put three plates on the table, two of which were heaped up beyond sense and physics. The android-like guy immediately put his open tail over the pile of greasy meat products and began eating them rapidly with many nauseating and unnecessary slurping and sucking noises that were questionable in origin. Not noticing Bulma turning a bit green, he sipped at some coffee he'd made. "Would you like some coffee with your food?" he asked politely. She politely declined, heading to the bathroom to throw up about something else and wonder why he couldn't use his mouth for eating but he'd still sip coffee with it (the former was more prevalent than the latter, though). Shrugging, Cell went back finished his breakfast, with an odd gulp that was sure to make normal people ill, and went back to his coffee.
"Disgusting!" Vegeta commented moodily, coming into the kitchen in his black jumpsuit, rubbing his slightly bloodshot eyes. "Can't you eat without sounding like a freakin' blowjob orgy?" Hiding his slightly bruised feelings, Cell decided to greet the prince genially.
"Ah, Vegeta! Care for a large plate of various breakfast fare?" Said Saiyan merely grunted, grumbled, and sat down to indulge in said fare. Though he would never admit it, even Vegeta had to agree that Cell was a good cook.
"I hope that you'll be getting your own blasted food from the store today," Vegeta griped through a mouthful of bacon. "I don't ever want you in my house in the morning,"
"Oh, yes. I'll be going later," Cell replied conversationally, sipping at some more coffee. "I just hope the sewers don't call me back. Ha, ha, ha!" He laughed merrily. Vegeta snorted, accidentally sending a piece of sausage flying across the room and probably grossing out a lot of readers, not finding the previous day's events very funny, as Cell had gotten crap all over his living room. The cleaning drones had taken care of it, but that was beside the point. "Well, I'm off to visit the local 8-Twelve!" He ran out the door and flew off very fast, leveling Vegeta's tulip garden. The Saiyan prince let loose a growl and blasted a manikin of Cell that happened to be sitting in the corner of the room.
"I believe I can fly! I believe I can touch the sky!" guess-who sang loudly as he flew a few blocks to the 8-Twelve, waking up half of West City. He mistook the jeers for cheers and gave a bow to the many people shaking fists out the windows before jetting over to the store and landing. As he walked in, he grabbed a shopping basket and set off to the dairy isle to get some milk.
"Cell!" a gruff voice suddenly shouted out from the cereal isle. Said android turned around to see none other than the world champ and his ridiculously big afro.
"Oh, hello, Hercule," Cell replied a little nervously. He and Hercule didn't really get along for reasons that were pretty obvious if you hung around them long enough to see the banter they usually exchanged.
"I see you remember the champ's name!" Hercule shouted, pointing at the ceiling for no real reason. "But that won't help you now! I won't allow you to destroy this convenience store and it's products! Hi-yah!" He did a flying kick at Cell, who turned slightly to the side and allowed the afro guy to smash into the milk display and get buried by the bottles that hadn't gone flying. Sweatdropping, Cell backed away slowly, grabbing an intact bottle of milk, and moving on to the bread isle while Videl pretended she didn't know her dad and walked off while whistling nonchalantly. Cell began whistling some song about bread as he put a couple of loaves in the cart and grabbed some peanut butter and jelly from the other side of the isle. Next, he went to the pasta isle, where Goku was, for reasons beyond him or Chi-Chi, who was with him, was piling the cart full of spaghetti.
"Goku, what are you doing?" Cell asked with genuine curiosity, putting a hand on his hip and eyeing the ludicrously tall and gravity-defying pile of pasta boxes.
"Me and Goten're having a pasta-eating contest today and we need to be ready," Goku replied, now piling macaroni boxes in the cart, somehow.
"Oh…that's…nice," Cell replied slowly, weighing each word. "Well, I've got to go get some meat," He beat a hasty retreat while Chi-Chi pretended she didn't know the crazy guy buying all the pasta and went quickly elsewhere.
"Oh, hello, Cell," Gohan commented as he tried to find the biggest leg of giant animal in the meat section, glancing over at the 7-foot-plus android.
"Ah, Gohan, buying some meat for dinner?" Cell replied.
"No, Krillin and Roshi are having a barbeque in a couple of days and I'm stuck catering," he replied, adjusting his dorky glasses.
"That sounds nice," Cell said, looking at the meat and stuffing some ground beef into his basket while he was at it.
"Cell!" Hercule showed up at the end of the isle, covered in milk and wearing a bunch of bandages that he didn't need. "I will repay you for what you did to the milk isle!"
"But you're the one who-" Cell tried to object, feeling wrongly accused.
"No time for begging! Megaton Punch!" he ran at Cell but a big leg of T-Rex fell in front of him, for whatever reason, and took the punch, breaking the champ's hand in a way to violent to describe but involving buckling bones and spraying blood. "Ow! How can this hurt so bad if this is a dream?" He started rocking back and forth in a wussy fashion.
"Wait a minute," Gohan said, examining his father-in-law. "He's sleep-walking again,"
"That would explain it," Cell commented.
"Well, he'd still act like this anyway…" Gohan scratched the back of his head. "You better get outta here before he gets back up,"
"I will do so, " Cell replied, heading for the check-out counter, but grabbing some cereal en route.
The city was more awake now as he headed back home, but they still appreciated his singing just as much as before. In other words, they were yelling, shaking their fists in his general direction and, in a few cases, firing anti-aircraft fire in his general direction, missing, and blowing up random kitten hospitals that happened to be in the way. Cell, displeased, went over to save the kittens, but ended up getting clawed badly by the ones that weren't dead or on fire (actually, the latter clawed him worse).
"Alas for those poor kitties!" Cell sobbed as he landed back at Capsule Corp and entered his house, only to find a bunch of graffiti on his kitchen wall. "Who would do such a thing!" Had he refrained from running out of the room to cry like a wussy to Bunny Briefs, he may have seen the graffiti read VEGETA WUZ HERE!.
Sorry if anybody is offended by how silly Cell or Hecule is but you mock the characters you love, right? Some feedback would be appreciated and FYI the next chapter is less dull (at least to me.)