BEETLEJUICE: ASSORTED MISCHIEF
"Criminy Court"
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. NEITHER COURT – DAY
The next hearing of the Neither World equivalent of the Supreme Court is about to open session, and the colorful array of monsters gathered in attendance are talking loudly among themselves in anticipation.
Standing at the prosecution is BEETLEJUICE, a specter wearing a mottled black-and-white pinstripe suit, with bone white skin, a patch of lively moss for hair, and a set of scuzzy teeth that are in severe need of a major dental intervention.
Beetlejuice motions for THE BULLIFF, a huge minotaur whose bulging abdominal muscles threaten to tear through his uniform at any minute.
BEETLEJUICE
Say, pal, where exactly is the order in this court?
Beetlejuice points to the bustling audience of ghosts, ghouls, and demons over his shoulder. Beads of sweat are forming all over his face and neck.
BEETLEJUICE
It's not that I don't appreciate a Guillotine Court as much as the next guy, but these jokers are really making me lose my head!
Beetlejuice's head flies off his neck for the punchline. The Bulliff catches it, but looks annoyed by the whole ordeal.
BEETLEJUICE
...if you know what I mean.
THE BULLIFF
This next case is s'posed to be a big deal.
The Bulliff begrudgingly fits Beetlejuice's dislocated head back in place.
BEETLEJUICE
Uhh...why's that? Seems pretty cut and dry to me with all the evidence that's presented.
THE BULLIFF
Since when is any case involving a human s'posed to be cut and dry?
BEETLEJUICE
Listen, when you've been doing this for as long as I have, bud...
The doors leading into the courtroom open before he could finish. In walks REGINALD, a bloated amoeba-like green mass with a white mustache and pair of glasses with round lenses for eyes, who speaks with an elegant Southern American accent.
REGINALD
I apologize for our tardiness, your honor. My client became non-compliant during transit, so severe measures had to be taken in order to restrain her.
FAVOR LYDIA DEETZ,
a young woman with grey hair that crests the sides of her face and thin, elegantly aging features, as she is pushed into the room on a wheelchair behind Reginald by a sunglasses wearing gorgon in nurse attire.
BEETLEJUICE
I must not be seein' right.
Beetlejuice slaps the back of his head to make his eyeballs DROP OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS and fall into his extended palm. He then turns them around, and plops them back in.
BEETLEJUICE
Oh, I just had them in backwards again. No, it can't be!
Reginald and Lydia take their place at the table opposite Beetlejuice,
FAVORING LYDIA.
BEETLEJUICE
Lydz? After all these years.
FLASHBACK TO:
INT. NEITHER COURT LOBBY – AFTERNOON (six months prior)
Monsters are flooding out of the courtroom, crowding into an open area. At the center is a grimy fountain featuring a stone Eldritch Abomination endlessly spewing murky green water from what one could only hope is its mouth.
FAVORING LYDIA
as she is running her hand through the fountain basin's disgusting depths.
Beetlejuice meets with her after emerging from the courthouse.
BEETLEJUICE
I almost didn't recognize you this morning with your hair up like that.
Lydia, whose hair is tied in a messy bun, smiles as Beetlejuice takes her hand.
LYDIA
I can't thank you enough, mister Beetlejuice. You don't know how much winning this case means to me.
BEETLEJUICE
Welp, after getting to know old Wizzy I think I've got a fair idea. That guy was nuttier than a foot cake!
LYDIA
No kidding. Maybe now that he's gone I can finally make something of my life.
Lydia giggles awkwardly, the flashy diamond ring still on her finger at this point sticking out like a sore thumb.
BEETLEJUICE
Let's scoot. I've got a big mess about a revoked banshee permit to deal with later, and
something tells me I'll be needing a new pair of earmuffs.
Beetlejuice turns to leave, but is stopped when Lydia grabs hold of his arm.
LYDIA
Got any plans for lunch?
BEETLEJUICE
Well I was gonna dig up some cockroaches.
He pulls one out of his ear and shows it to her.
BEETLEJUICE
What d'ya think?
She brushes the offensive offering away.
LYDIA
I think a scary ghoul like you deserves a whole lot better than those.
BEETLEJUICE
You figure I'm classy enough for spiders?
LYDIA
Now that's more like it. Come on, I know a good place not far from here. That is,
if you're okay with having a former client for lunch...
Beetlejuice laughs and wraps his arm around her shoulders.
BEETLEJUICE
You kidding? I've eaten plenty of my clients! But, uhh...I promise I'll just stick to the spiders this time.
INT. TARANTELLO'S DINER – MINUTES LATER
The restaurant with 'the best charred tarantula in town' is a happening joint, and you immediately know this because it has The Monster Mash playing on loudspeakers throughout all hours, as waitresses in varying states of decay whirl around on rollerskates serving vile entrees and noxious drink to creeps and freaks on their lunch break.
One drops off a tray of Parmesan-roasted Wolf Spider unto the table of Beetlejuice and Lydia, who are seated across from each other at a booth by a filthy, green, cobweb infested window.
BEETLEJUICE
You were right – this stuff looks absolutely disgusting!
LYDIA
Well, dig in! You won't know for sure until you get your hands greasy.
Beetlejuice tears off a leg and swallows it whole.
Lydia laughs.
BEETLEJUICE
You liked that one, huh? Well check this out!
He rips off another leg, throws it upward, and catches it midair like a frog would a fly with his tongue.
LYDIA
(playful)
Where does a big shot lawyer get off playing with his food?
BEETLEJUICE
Don't judge a spook by his old haunts, babes. Besides, I'm great at parties.
Beetlejuice glances over the menu.
BEETLEJUICE
Now I'm thirsty. What should I get?
LYDIA
You've got to try the new Spook Shake. It's, just like the commercials say, simply to die for.
BEETLEJUICE
I've been dead for five hundred years, but hey, you're the boss. If a five dollar shake is worth it to you, there's plenty more where that came from.
LYDIA
Five dollars and maybe another fifteen minutes, with how fast this place is filling up...
Beetlejuice was never one to hold back, especially for a new lady friend. He hailed a waitress that had been busy tending to a family of levitating jars containing brains suspended in a liquid that changes color to reflect their emotional states.
BEETLEJUICE
What's a guy got to do to get some service around here! Don't you know who I am?
SKELETAL WAITER
Oh, you're that Attorney from the Ghoul Hill Strangler trial?
BEETLEJUICE
You can bet your shinbones on it, honey! I want a Spook Shake here in
the next five minutes if you know what's good for ya!
SKELETAL WAITRESS
Yes, mister Beetlejuice, coming right away!
The Skeletal Waitress whizzes away.
Beetlejuice turns to Lydia calmly, as if did not just draw the ire and awe of the entire restaurant, not to mention the bright red anger of one particular family of dislocated brains.
LYDIA
Name recognition goes a long way, huh?
Beetlejuice grins as he brings a cigarette to his dead lips.
BEETLEJUICE
Lately, any case that's tried at the court passes through me at some point, but don't give me that 'ole speech about how 'with great power comes with great responsibility'.
Beetlejuice attempts to get a fire going on his lighter several times to no avail, growing visibly frustrated.
BEETLEJUICE (CONT'D)
Between you and me, babes, the straight and narrow just isn't my thing. Never was.
Lydia surprises him by revealing her own stashed lighter.
LYDIA
Looks like we both prefer to live our lives dangerously.
Beetlejuice manages a light on his first try.
BEETLEJUICE
I wouldn't have it any other way than this.
BACK TO PRESENT
at the sound of Judge Mental, the meanest, creepiest living skeleton of them all, pounding his gavel.
THE BULLIFF
All rise! The Neither World Civil Matters Court is now in session! Judge Mental is presiding.
Everyone shuts up.
JUDGE MENTAL
Please, all of you sit so we can just get this over with...
Beetlejuice glances at Lydia, but there is still no sign of life in her eyes.
FAVORING JUDGE MENTAL
as he examines a scroll that The Bulliff hands to him.
JUDGE MENTAL
The human, Lydia Deetz, is charged with simultaneous first degree counts of stupidity, burglary, armed robbery, and...
Judge Mental looks up from the page while clearing his throat:
JUDGE MENTAL
Conspiracy to commit an act of terrorism.
Many gasps erupt throughout the room, prompting Judge Mental to call for silence.
TIGHTEN ON Beetlejuice, struck speechless.
FADE OUT