The Office: Red vs. Blue.
Episode One, None Sense!
"CHURCH!!!" The man in Cyan yelled to his boss in the room behind him.
"What the hell is it this time Tucker?" He said arising from his chair.
"Someone put my desk in the restroom again!" Tucker whined waving his hand through the air where is desk once was as Church walked out growling.
"Who the hell did it this time?" Church asked looking suspiciously around the office. His only response was everyone looking at him for a split second then went back to typing on their computers, "Who was it?! If someone doesn't tell me and they know, they're fired." Suddenly everyone, but Tucker and Church pointed at Tex. She was sitting typing then turned slowly to look at them, "It wasn't me."
"Like hell it wasn't." He said irritated.
"He helped me!" She yelled pointing at Wash watching them.
"Go fuck yourself Allison." He said frustrated.
"Like hell I will." She countered watching Church.
"Bring his desk back out NOW." He walked back into his office shutting the door behind him. Then Wash and Tex chuckled hitting knuckles and then they spun back in their chairs to face their desks. And Tucker scoffed.
(Plays Office Theme Song)
(Ends)
Tucker is sitting at his desk and Grif walks up to him with a blank stare wearing and Orange suit. After a few seconds of blank staring Tucker looks up to him, "What the hell are you doing?"
"Can you look this file over for me?" He asked holding one out he'd been holding under his left arm. Tucker looked at it then his face a few times then grabbed it nervously, "Sure."
"Thanks." He walked back to his desk as Tex watched him from her corner desk. Then after he was out of view Tex looked at Tucker and he shrugged sitting the folder on his desk. Then she went back to typing on her computer.
Church walked out of his office a few minutes later rubbing his temples as he walked into the break room as Tucker watched him confused as he opened the folder Grif gave him then looked back it then shut it quickly as his eyes got big.
"What is it Tucker?" Tex asked carelessly not making an effort to look at him. He said nothing only passed it to her and she opened it and laughed and covering her mouth with her right hand in an attempt to hide it. Tucker only rolled his eyes as she tossed it back gently and he grabbed it and walked over to Grif's desk.
"Did you review the file?" He asked in a serous tone.
"You wish." He joked tossing it on his keyboard.
"Come on! It was funny!" Grif said laughing.
"For you. Not me." Tucker said rolling his eyes.
"Isn't my butt fine?" He joked opening the folder and pulling out a photocopy of his butt.
"Not really." Tucker said walking off.
"Where 'ya go'in!" He yelled sitting the copy on his keyboard.
"Away from you." He pasted Simmons' desk and he was laughing.
"Get it together you ass." Tucker yelled spotting his laughter as he walked to his desk and sat down. Tucker sighed as he spotted Sister laughing at the receptionists desk.
"Tucker!!" Caboose yelled running over.
"What Caboose?" He asked as he stopped next to him.
"Can you help me?" Caboose asked nervously.
"With what?"
"A.. Girl." Caboose whispered biting his lip. Tucker smirked and snickered, "My specialty. First, who is it?" Caboose looked around warily then whispered to Tucker, "Sheila."
"The new temp?" Tucker asked surprised.
"Yeah." He whispered a bit louder.
"Does she even know your name?"
"I'm not sure."
"Just go and ask her how her day is going."
"Okay!" Caboose ran off toward her desk and Wash turned to Tucker, "That's not going to work."
"I know." He started looking through a file laying on his desk and Wash turned back to his computer screen. Church walked into his office and shut the door. He sat down at his desk and touched his five o'clock shadow while spinning slightly in his chair. Then he dialed a number and his boss answered, "Hello." Wyoming answered with his strong accent.
"Hey Reginald." Church responded nervously leaning back in his chair and putting his hands behind his head.
"Leonard. What's with this bizarre phone call?"
"I heard that your not to happy with my department, correct?"
"Yes. You're a bunch of slackers."
"Slackers? You have no proof." Church said defensively.
"Yes, I do. I asked one of your EMPLOYEEES to send me a fax of their work over the past month and they sent me a fax of a cat karate chopping a dog in the face. It might have been damn funny, but the point is that your WORKERS are complete and utter slackers." He explained and Church listened nervously.
"Who was it?" Church asked confused.
"Michael."
"Caboose?"
"Yes." Church sighed and leaned against his desk, "Explains everything."
"Why?" Wyoming asked confused.
"I'll handle it Reginald."
"You better Leonard." Then the line went dead and Church sighed hitting his face with his hand. Church then jumped as Caboose hit face first on his glass door. Then Caboose pulled away from it and opened the door walking in, "Sorry Mr. Church!"
"Don't ever. Ever. Do that again." He said slowly squeezing the bridge of his nose.
"Who were you talking to!!?" Caboose said excitedly sitting down on one of the chairs in Church's office.
"No, one."
"I do that a lot. Sometimes when I'm at home alone I talk about stuff." Church sighed looking outside his office, "Please leave."
"Okay!" Caboose ran off and Tucker stopped him.
"Did you go talk to Sheila?" tucker asked looking up at the young boy.
"Not yet! I'm going now!" Caboose ran off in a random direction. Tucker sighed and continued looking at a file, "I hope Church promotes me." Tex scoffed at Tucker's hope.
"What's with you little miss nasty much?"
"You, me and everyone else in this office knows that if Church was going to promote anyone in this office it would be me."
"That's only because you got in his pants." Tex turned and looked at him with a nasty look, "That's not why."
"Then why would he?"
"Because I'm a hard worker." Tucker scoffed, "If you call playing pranks on your co-workers all day work then yes."
"And I do it very well." Tucker rolled his eyes as the camera zoomed closer in on his back. He sat for a few seconds then turned around and looked at it completely strait face as it made no attempted to move. After a few more seconds Tucker looked away and back at the papers on his desk. Then it went to interview mode as Church was sitting at his desk looking at it.
"Everyone in this office is fucking insane." He stated and Caboose walked up to Sheila at her desk.
"Hello Sheila." He said nervously.
"Hello Michael." She said typing at her computer. He scoffed his dress shoe on the ground and then broke their uncomfortable silence, "How's your day been?"
"Good. Good." She looked at him smiling.
"That's… Good. Bye." He walked off nervously and she rolled her eyes and went back to typing.
Tex and Wash were whispering facing each other in their chairs, "I think Green jello is an excellent idea Wash."
"Yeah, but I really like your idea with the pumpkins." He smiled evilly and looked over at Tucker who made eye contact suspiciously. Then Wash looked back at her, "I have a better idea."
"And that would be?" He asked confused and she smiled evilly looking at Tucker, "Both."
"Sounds good to me." She nodded and twisted her chair back to face her computer and Wash did the same almost completely on queue and Tucker looked at them strangely. Then Tex looked at her computer screen to see Wash sent her an instant message reading, 'I'll get the jello.' She smiled and sent him one reading, 'I'll handle getting the pumpkins.' Then Tucker's phone started ringing it and he answered it, "Paper And Co. this is Luverneus Tucker, how may I satisfy your paper needs today?" Then the person on the other end spoke with a high pitched voice, "I was thinking of buying some paper from your company."
"That's obvious, why else would you call a paper company?" Tucker pointed out annoyed by the very voice.
"I don't appreciate you being a smart ass sir." Red Zealot responded.
"Sorry. How may I help you?" Tucker felt like a complete idiot.
Simmons walked over to Grif's desk with a completely serous look and handed him a folder and he accepted with no words exchanged. Then Simmons walked away and Grif opened it to see a picture of sister making out with Simmons in the break room. Grif felt fumed as he stood up and walked to Simmons' desk and tossed it on the keyboard, "What the hell is this Simmons?" He looked up at Grif, "What's it look like?"
"It better not be what it looks like or I'll have your head on my desk as a decoration despite Donut's complaints that its trashy." Simmons snickered, "You lazy ass. I just mashed two pictures together with Photoshop and made it look like I was kissing her."
"Then who in the hell was she REALLY making out with?" Grif asked worried and frustrated.
"That tucker guy I think. It might have been Leonard though. I can't tell." Simmons chuckled as Grif grabbed the picture and went to Sister's desk and tossed it on her keyboard, "Who was it?"
"What are you talking about?" she asked confused.
"Who the hell fucked you? Was it Tucker? I'll kill'em."
"Tucker? No."
"Tell me who it was." He demanded and she giggled, "Simmons silly."
"That little fucker." He whispered looking at Simmons sitting at his desk. Then Simmons spotted him and started running as Grif took off. Church opened the door spotting them, "Stop slacking off." They chased each other despite his orders until Simmons ran behind Church, "Save me sir."
"Don't be a damn sissy. Get back to work. Both of you." He walked into his office and shut the door. Grif acted like he was about to attack him, but stopped and Simmons flinched and walked back to his desk as Grif did the same. Church sat down at his desk and touched his face sighing and then Sister spoke up on his phone's speaker, "One of your costumers is on the phone, he says he's dissatisfied with his service. Shall I patch him through?" He sat up strait, "Yes, please." Then she patched him, "What's the problem.."
"Call me Red."
"Red." He said confused.
"I'm very dissatisfied with your employee.. Mister Tucker's performance."
"What did he do?" Church asked eyeing tucker through the closed door.
"He was a smart ass and completely disrespected me through out the entire buying process." The Zealot explained.
"I'm sorry. I'll do what I can. Would you like to complete the buying processes with a different one of my employees?" He asked considering Tucker's dumb behavior.
"Yes, please."
"Just hold for a moment." Church pressed a button on his phone and Tex picked up the phone, "I'm redirecting one of Tucker's pissed employees to you."
"Okay." He switched him to her and sighed. Church walked to Tucker's desk, "What the hell is going on with you man?! That's the second person I've had to transfer to the beautiful Allison today!" Tex shot Church a flirty look while taking the call.
"I just need a break from this damn office." He said breathlessly.
"Well get out for today. I'll see you tomorrow." He said sternly.
"Really?" Tucker asked in shock.
"I don't need you sitting around here giving damn useless service. Its better if you leave it to Tex."
"Sweet. Thanks." Tucker got up and walked out as Church sighed as Tex hung up the phone and looked at him. He started to walk to his office, but she stopped him and hugged him from behind, "Its okay. I know MOST of your employees are incompetent." He turned around and hugged her back, "Don't remind me. Are you the only good employee around here?" She looked up at him, "I would guess so." He kissed her and she kissed him back and Wash rolled his eyes and returned to his computer screen. Then Church pulled away and walked into his office closing the door as she walked to her desk with a smirk.
"I know the only reason your going out with him is to get promoted." Wash said as she sat down and rolled her eyes looking at her desk, "Go fuck yourself Wash."
"I will. I'll write that under my top priorities." He said with a smile knowing it pissed her off even worse, "Why don't you put it right under fuck Sarge?"
"And you can put this under fuck the boss to get a promotion, GET AN ADDITUDE AJUSTMENT." He shot back as Caboose listened from Tucker's desk. Tex said nothing and Wash snickered.
"I'm bored." Caboose said and Wash spun in his chair to see him holding a folder, "Make ONE copy of EACH page in this folder for me." Caboose grabbed it gleefully and skipped off to the copier where Sarge was copying some files.
"Hey Sarge!!" He scoffed ignoring the young boy and grabbed his copy leaving and Caboose looked at the copier strangely.
"It couldn't hurt." He looked around to see no one and then started looking at it with a flirty expression, "He baby, come around this part of town often?.. You do? Bow chicka bum bum!!" Church was walking by and heard him stopping in his tracks looking at Caboose with a twitching eye. "I was practicing for Sheila!" Church turned on his heel to face away, "I hope so." He walked to his office.
The next morning Tucker arrived pleased to find his office in its original place and smiled sitting down as Wash and Tex watch him, "Good day to be Tucker." He opened his desk drawer to find it covered in Green jello, "Oh fuck berries." Then Church walked out his office pointing behind him toward the window and sipping some coffee, "Tucker your car is totally screwed." He ran to the window and looked out to see it covered in smashed pumpkins as Wash and Tex started laughing uncontrollability, "And its April." Church said with a smile as Tucker fumed.
(Credits Roll) I don't take credit for Red vs. Blue or anything not mine. Including The Office.