*Beautiful, stereotypical fantasy-genre scenery. Two women on horses being chased by a group of men, also on horses.*

*Guy shoots arrow, hits Denee. She falls to the ground- in slow motion.*

Kahlan: Denee! Noooez!!

Denee: Take this book. Just take it. Leave me to die!

Kahlan: *runs off*

The men have her cornered at the giant, green boundary of doom.

Fain: There's nowhere left for you to run!

Kahlan: *gets out mysterious blue orb* Ahh, but I have this!

*Hole in the boundary appears. She goes through it. Men obviously follow*

*Enter Richard, shirtless, for all the fangirls to squeal over. He's building a small bridge.*

Richard: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go... oh! Who's that pretty lady running? Hurr... looks like men are chasing her. I don't approve of this behavior at all so I shall interfere!

Kahlan: *Sticks palm out* Stop! In the name of love...

Men: *laugh*

Richard: Leave pretty lady alooone!

Fain: You're making a mistake, stupid pretty boy! *bitch slaps Richard*

Kahlan: Oh hellz no! *grabs nearby man by the neck and does some crazy voodoo on him to make him attack the other men*

*Only Fain is left now. As he attempts to kill Kahlan, Richard gets up and shoves him off the cliff.*

Richard: What's up with those men? Why were they trying to kill you? And what did you do to that man?

Kahlan: I have to go. You're getting way too nosy for me. *flees*

*A vine wraps itself around Richards leg, then bites his hand.*

Richard: Ow! Not cool! *stomps on vine*

*Enter Fain and Chase*

Chase: Drop your weapons! I'm the councilor's guard! Now, what's going on?

Fain: Take me to your leader!

*In the forest*

Kahlan: Come my glowy blue orb of light! Show us the waaaay!

Richard: *stalking* Wha?

Fain: I come from D'Hara and am tracking down a dangerous witch from The Midlands. She used magic to cross the boundary, and had help from someone on this side! He was wearing this tooth necklace!

Michael: Zomg! That's my brother's!

*Richard home with his father*

Richard: And there was this girl who did this weird thing with this man and it looked like magic! Was it Pa? Was it really magic?

George: Yes. She and these men are from the Midlands. I feared this day would come. You see Richard-

*Fain and men show up at house*

George: Leave, LEAVE! Run to Zedd's house!

Richard: Zedd? That crazy chicken man? What's going on? I WANT ANSWERS DAMMIT!

George: JUST LEAVE, DAMMIT!

*Richard leaves. Men come in.*

Fain: Where is your son?

George: I dunno, he went off to build a bridge- shirtless.

Fain: Okay, we're going to try finding him. Stay here, in case he comes back. The witch could put him under control so he might need Daddy's help. Chase, leave a few men outside because I know this man is lying.

*Men leave*

*Enter Zedd, naked, holding a chicken.*

Zedd: Precioussss chicken. I shall eat you one day!

Kahlan: Oh dear spirits! Of all the scenes to actually keep from the book series it's this one! Listen wizard, I need your help. But get some clothes on first.

Zedd: Well, it was a nice couple of decades but now back to trouble.

*Richard shows up, feverish, on horseback.*

Richard: Pretty lady.... *faints*

*Zedd and Kahlan bring him into the house. Zedd chants some spells.*

Zedd: Oogedy boogedy boo, hocus pocus, EXPELLIARMUS! The power of christ compels you!

*Snake bite heals, Richard slowly wakes up*

Kahlan: Great. Now that that's over with, you need to appoint a seeker!

Zedd: There he is! *points to Richard*

Kahlan: What? NO! He can't be the seeker. He's barely reached puberty! And I think he has some strange obsession with me. We only talked two minutes and already I caught him stalking me.

Zedd: You wanted a seeker, deal with it!

Richard: Seeker? What's that?

Kahlan: You never told him! What have you been doing all this time?!

Zedd: Getting naked, talking to chickens. Stuff you can't get away with in the Midlands.

Kahlan: My sister gave up her life for this?! He is the first true seeker in a thousand years! The prophesy says-

Zedd: Prophesy be damned! I tried averting it but then you show up demanding I appoint a seeker. Then, when I do, he's not up to your standards! There's no pleasing you, woman!

Richard: Stop! I'm so confused. Who's the pretty lady again? And what's a seeker?

Zedd: A seeker is a hero who seeks out evil and tries to save the world. But first, you need to know about Darken Rahl. He's probably the sexiest villain in the world. In fact, I think he's sexier than you. Anyway, a prophet told him that a seeker would defeat him so he sent men to kill every first born child in Brennidon. Except for you! I kidnapped you before they could get to you and gave you over to two kind-hearted strangers.

Kahlan: I think I'll take this time to tell you that I'm a confessor and that every seeker needs a confessor. All I'm gonna say is that we try to find the truth no matter how hard someone tries hiding it. My names Kahlan, sorry for being such a bitch. I came to bring you this book!

Richard: Yay! Porn!

Kahlan: No, It's The Book of Counted Shadows. Darken Rahl is trying to steal it. He can use it to take over the world. The seeker shall use this book to defeat Rahl!

Richard: What the hell? I can't read this. It's in German!

Kahlan: Ah, but every seeker can read German without learning it first. Give it a try!

Richard: *reading* One shadow... two shadow... three shadow... four! Whoa! When did I learn German?

Zedd: Because you are the true seeker.

*Enter Fain and Chase*

Fain: Nice blade you got there. It's long and slender. *snicker*

Chase: Richards trail ends here. He's good at masking trails. He's been practicing all these years when he should've been learning how to become a seeker.

Fain: Whut?

Chase: Nothing.

*Back at Zedd's*

Kahlan: Give him the sword!

Richard: What sword?

Zedd: *Conjures up sword*

Kahlan: This is the sword of truth. You shall use it to kill Darken Rahl. Even though, in the books, Darken Rahl is protected by the magic of Orden and cannot be killed by anything magical. But the boxes of Orden in the books are too complicated to explain on nighttime television, so we'll not mention that at all!

Richard: Wha? No! I don't want to kill anybody! I'm not a seeker! I don't want no swords or book and George Cypher is my father! Goodbye!

Kahlan: Richard wait! I just realized that I think your cute! Sorry I made fun of you...

Zedd: Let him go. It'll sink in soon enough. Then we'll name him.

*Richard gets attacked by killer mutant flies.*

Richard: What the butterscotch?

Kahlan: *leaps out from nowhere and covers Richards mouth* Don't make a sound.

*weird dragon-like creature swoops down and eats Richard's horse. Zedd shows up and shoots fire at him. He dies.*

Richard: What was that?

Kahlan: God you ask a lot of questions! It was a gar. It uses it's blood flies to get it's prey.

Richard: You guys are freaks! I'm gonna go find my father before something happens to him too. Don't follow meh!

*Richard arrives at his house to find it on fire. He goes in to rescue his dying father.*

Richard: What happened? Who did this?

George: D'Harans. They're looking for you at Zedd's. I'm going to die now but first you must know that everything Zedd told you is true. I am not your father, but I will always be your father. *dies*

Richard: Nnnoooooooooooooo!!!!!

Michael: Richard! What's going on?

Richard: He's dead.

Michael: Whut? The witch made you do this, didn't she?

Richard: She's a confessor, dammit. And no, the D'Harans killed him!

Michael: I don't know what to believe. And by the way, he's MY father, not yours.

Richard: Wtf? You knew?!

Michael: Yes, but I swore not to tell. But since he's now dead and I'm such an asshole, I'm going break my promise and tell you anyway.

Richard: *flees to Zedd's house to get revenge*

*At Zedds house*

Richard: AAAAAAHHH! Oh, that's just a chicken.

*sword points at his throat*

Fain: Tell me where the witch is or I'll kill you!

Richard: No! You killed my father. I challenge thee to a duel!

*Dramatic sword fight. Fain knocks the sword out of his hands, then sees Richard's saddlebags.*

Fain: The book. Victory is mine! *steals*

Richard: Noooooo!!! *chases Fain to an old wooden bridge.*

Fain: *From the other side of the bridge.* Later sucka!! *cuts bridge's ropes*

*Kahlan and Zedd show up*

Richard: Fain has the book!

Zedd: We can still get it! Fain can't get across the boundary unless he has a glowy, blue orby thingy! You are the true seeker. You can stop him! You have a destiny. Plus, you lost everything so you might as well go on this epic quest to stop an evil lord.

Richard: Okay fine. Name me seeker!

Zedd: *dances merrily around the seeker.* Bibbity bobbity boo! Do you take this sword to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Richard: I do.

Zedd: I now prounounce you seeker! You may kill Darken Rahl.

Richard: Sweet.

*In a land far far away...*

Darken Rahl: *Abrubtly awakes* Oh sh-

Loyal Servant: What is it, my Lord?

Darken Rahl: I had that dream again! Where that marshmallow king forces me to wear a dress made out of Twizzlers and dance the Macarena!

Loyal Servant: I am so sorry, my Lord.

Darken Rahl: And also... the seeker lives!