As an obsessive fan, being currently unemployed, and desperately waiting for season eight to start, I thought what the hell, why not give it a go at writing fan fiction. But who am I or any one else who has written a fan fic to even think that I can write anything like what the writers on Frasier do. But still there might be a new Joe Keenan or David Lloyd out there somewhere. Still, here is my effort. I would love to know what you think of it so let me know at kelly_simba@hotmail.com, and if the response is good I'll send in my other episodes.
As usual I do not own any of these characters.
It takes place immediately after the season
seven episode 'Something Borrowed, Someone Blue.'
Alternative Season Eight Premiere
The Bride, The Gloom, The Boyfriend and his Strife
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. WINNEBAGO — DAY — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne)
NILES, IN THE DRIVING SEAT, AND DAPHNE, IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. BOTH ARE STILL IN THEIR WEDDING CLOTHES
NILES
I can't believe this is happening.
DAPHNE
Me neither, I didn't think you were allowed to drive the Winnebago after the New Years Eve incident.
NILES
I didn't mean that.
DAPHNE
I know you didn't. It's like a dream except there's no singing dwarves or a rabbit that sounds like Keith Richards.
NILES
As long as it's a dream and not a nightmare.
DAPHNE
The only nightmare would be if you weren't here with me.
NILES
Yes because then no one would be driving.
DAPHNE
(LAUGHING) You silly sod.
NILES
Are you sure you want to do this?
DAPHNE
Well actually it was a little impulsive. Maybe we should turn back.
NILES ACCIDENTALLY MAKES THE WINNEBAGO SWERVE AS HE HEARS THIS NEWS CAUSING BOTH OF THEM TO NEARLY BE FLUNG OUT OF THEIR SEATS BEFORE HE RETAKES CONTROL
NILES
What? I thought that…
DAPHNE
Calm down, I'm pulling your leg.
NILES
You mean you're glad that you did this?
DAPHNE
Glad is not the word. I'm ecstatic and relieved.
NILES
Relieved because we got away.
DAPHNE
No relieved that you still want me after what I did to you last night.
NILES
Forget about last night, what's important now is the future.
DAPHNE
But I can't forget I'm so sorry for the way I left you. I was being a coward.
NILES
You're no bigger coward then I am. Seven years have gone by and I never said a word and I had plenty of opportunities.
DAPHNE
I was terrified in case you didn't want me.
NILES
How could you think that? Daphne I would die for you. Didn't Roz ever tell you that?
DAPHNE
Roz? Why would Roz tell me?
NILES
Well when she told you how I felt about you, she must have gone into detail about it. Weren't you curious?
DAPHNE
Wait I'm a little confused here. Roz didn't tell me about you.
NILES
Well who did then?
DAPHNE
Your brother.
NILES AGAIN AT THIS NEWS LOOSES CONTROL OF THE WINNEBAGO AND SWERVES AND THEN REGAINS CONTROL.
NILES
Frasier told you? That lying gas bag. He told me Roz told you.
DAPHNE
Does it really matter? I know. We're together and that's what's important, isn't it…Niles?
NILES LAUGHS AT THE SOUND OF DAPHNE SAYING HIS NAME LIKE A SCHOOLBOY WHO HAS JUST BEEN TOLD A RUDE JOKE
NILES
God I love you.
DAPHNE
And I love you.
AT THIS NILES ONCE AGAIN LOOSES CONTROL OF THE WINNEBAGO
DAPHNE
God this is going to be rough.
NILES
Here's the highway. Which way do I go?
DAPHNE
I don't know.
NILES
We have two options. We can either go back to Seattle or we can go away for a few of days.
DAPHNE
As nice as that sounds, I don't think we should.
NILES
What have you got against Seattle?
DAPHNE
(LAUGHING) I meant going away for a couple of days. We should face the inevitable and go back to Seattle. We can call Donny and Mel from there where it's safe and comfortable and explain. We've got the rest of our lives to go wherever we want, but right now we need to do this. Is that OK with you Niles?
NILES ONCE AGAIN LAUGHS LIKE A SCHOOLBOY
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Oh brother.
NILES STILL SMILING AND DAPHNE SHAKING HER HEAD CONTINUE DRIVING AS WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
EXTERNAL — GARDEN OF THE WAYSIDE INN — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Mel, Roz, Simon)
MARTIN AND FRASIER ARE BOTH STANDING AT THE DRINKS TABLE, DRINKING CHAMPAGNE AND PRETENDING NOT TO LOOK MISERABLE
FRASIER
What the hell is taking so long? Daphne's brothers have been back ten minutes why hasn't she come out yet.
MARTIN
You know Daph, she always wants to look her best, she's probably just putting on some more makeup or something.
FRASIER
Yeah I guess your right.
MARTIN
But when she gets out here I don't want you saying a word about last night. The situation is already awkward enough without you making her feel guilty.
FRASIER
Oh course I'm not going to say anything. She was upset enough last night when I saw her going back to her room after talking with Niles. I'm not going to make her feel worse. She's made her decision and I'll stand by her and support her, just like I'll stand by and support Niles. I'm not going to hide the fact that I'd rather be supporting them together but…
MARTIN
Hush up Mel's coming over.
MEL ENTERS WITH A GLASS OF WINE IN HER HAND
MEL
Have either of you seen Niles? He went to get some aspirin nearly an hour ago.
MARTIN
What does he need aspirin for?
MEL
Hell should I know, after all I'm just his wife. Like why should he tell me where his going or why he didn't come to bed all night.
MARTIN
He didn't come to bed last night?
MEL
Isn't that what I just said. So anyway have you seen him? I simple yes or no would be appreciated.
FRASIER
No, sorry Mel. To be honest I'm more interested to know where Daphne is. But as a new bride yourself I'm sure you must know what's she's doing to prepare before she comes out.
MEL
In preparing for my wedding I got Niles to change his jacket and tie and I took a Prozac.
MARTIN
I'm sure you'll treasure those memories forever.
MEL
If you see him, tell him I'm looking for him.
FRASIER
Of course.
MEL EXITS
MARTIN
If she's looking for him no wonder he's hiding. What have I done to deserve this? Lilith, Maris and now Mel. It's just to spoil the holidays isn't it? To make me want to move into a home.
FRASIER
If you're going to start complaining that you have been hard done by I only have to mention Sherry and her banjo.
ROZ ENTERS AND WALKS OVER TO THEM AND TAKES FRASIER'S CHAMPAGNE OUT OF HIS HAND
ROZ
You don't mind if I have some of this do you?
SHE KNOCKS BACK THE DRINK AND GIVES THE EMPTY GLASS BACK TO FRASIER AND THEN TAKES MARTIN'S OFF HIM
ROZ (CONT'D)
And you don't really like this stuff.
SHE KNOCKS BACK MARTIN'S DRINK AND THEN TAKES ANOTHER GLASS OFF THE TABLE
FRASIER
What is wrong with you?
ROZ
What's wrong with me? Your brother, that's what's wrong with me.
FRASIER
Why? What's he done this time?
ROZ
Two things. The first thing I can't tell you about for another
GRABS FRASIER'S WRIST AND LOOKS AT HIS WATCH
ROZ (CONT'D)
Three, no two minutes. But the other one. I have possibly the worst hangover of my life because of him.
MARTIN
How's that his fault?
ROZ
Last night after Simon totally humiliated me in front of Tim I decided to have a little session of sorrow drowning. I was only going to have one drink and then go to bed when Niles walks in like he'd lost a million dollars and found a half eaten Bulldog.
FRASIER
That's a lovely image Roz but are we getting to the point sometime soon?
ROZ
Yes. He was so upset and told me all about what had happened with Daphne and so we decided to do a little sorrow drowning together.
FRASIER
You didn't sleep with him?
ROZ
Are you kidding? No I didn't sleep with him. How can you think that? Me and your brother? That's almost like you and me.
FRASIER
As flattered as I am by that, can we return to your story?
ROZ
The problem is your brother has more money than you can shake a stick at and insisted on buying drinks all night for me and half the bar. The last thing I can remember is Niles carrying me into the lift and hitting the floor button with my toe. I got up this morning to take a shower and he'd thrown up it. Have you ever tried to hose down someone else's sick when you already feel like you're about to hurl?
MARTIN
Are you sure you should still be drinking now?
ROZ
The only thing I learned in collage was the best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk. So that's what I'm doing. I need something to numb the events of the day ahead. Anyway, the more I drink, the better I look in this dress.
FRASIER
I didn't realise Niles had been like that last night. He just told us what had happened and said he was going to bed. I feel guilty for leaving him alone this morning.
ROZ
Oh he's not alone.
MARTIN
What do you mean? We left him about ten minutes ago in the Winnebago, he was going to stay there until the ceremony was over.
ROZ
Let me see your watch
SHE GRABS FRASIER'S ARM
ROZ (CONT'D)
All right it's time, I'll spill.
FRASIER
Spill what?
ROZ
Not my drink, because it's empty. (TO BARTENDER) Hay you, fill this up for me please. Fifteen minutes ago Daphne cornered me in the toilet to get me to stall until they had a good head start, unless she came back and then she wouldn't have gone through with it anyway but that's beside the point.
FRASIER
What are you talking about?
ROZ
Daphne has run off with Niles. As least she was going to if he didn't tell her to beat it. And as she's nowhere to be seen, I guess he didn't.
MARTIN
They've what.
FRASIER
How could they? Neither of them have a car.
SIMON ENTERS AND PICKS UP TWO GLASSES
SIMON
Hey Marty, I just went to take me new lady friend over there (WAVING TO HER), to show her how spacious the back of your Winnebago is but to my surprise it's gone. Where have you moved it to, because the way my lucks going I could have my end away here.
MARTIN
Erm yeah, we had to move it. Receptions got the key and knows where it is.
SIMON
Sorted then. Come on dear this way. I've got no idea what her name is but she's as fit as a butcher's dog. Still it don't matter if I shout the wrong name out does it. I just want you to know though Roz that I'll be thinking of you, hopefully more than once.
SIMON EXITS
ROZ
It has to be the drink because I was just so turned on by him.
FRASIER
Oh my God I don't believe this.
MARTIN
I know jeez Roz, it's Simon.
FRASIER
Not that, Niles and Daphne. Are they really gone?
MARTIN
You heard Simon, the Winnebago's gone. Oh my god Niles is driving my Winnebago. Well now Mel and Donny won't have to kill them, Niles will probably do it for them.
FRASIER
Well what do we do?
ROZ
We? Leave me out of this. I've done my bit. I've put on this god-awful dress and covered for Daphne while she climbed out of the toilet window to run off with your weedy little brother. That's it. I'm through.
MARTIN
I can't believe they left us to clean this up.
FRASIER
They would have just wanted to get away. Niles especially in case Daphne changed her mind again. We're going to have to talk to Donny and Mel, it's as simple as that.
MARTIN
What do you mean we?
FRASIER
You don't have to say anything. You can just be my backup.
ROZ
Some backup. An old man with a cane.
FRASIER
I'll go and find both of them and take them to my room for some privacy. This isn't the kind of news you need to be told in front of a hundred strangers. Dad you get Miss. Carney to make an announcement to the group and meet me upstairs.
MARTIN
Are you going to tell them both together?
FRASIER
I don't want to have to do it twice and besides they may be able to find some comfort in each other.
MARTIN
Or they might find it easier to beat the crap out of us.
FRASIER
Why us? We haven't done anything. Niles and Daphne dumped them.
ROZ
I don't think they'll see it like that.
FRASIER
Well then maybe I should do it here where there's witnesses and a bar and trees to hide behind in case they start throwing things.
MARTIN
Just get a move on.
AS FRASIER AND MARTIN WALK OFF WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. WINNEBAGO — DAY — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne)
DAPHNE IS NOW DRIVING THE WINNEBAGO WITH NILES IN THE PASSENGER SEAT
NILES
Are you sure you don't want me take over?
DAPHNE
I'm sure. I'd at least like to live long enough to go out on one date with you.
NILES
You mean you want to go on a date with me.
DAPHNE
Have you been asleep for the last twenty-four hours? It wouldn't make a lot of sense to run out on my fiancé for the man that I really love and then not go out on a date with him. 'Well that was fun but now I fancy being an old maid.'
NILES
I know, I'm sorry, I'm not quite myself today.
DAPHNE
Didn't you get a lot of sleep last night? I didn't sleep a wink.
NILES
To be honest I don't know.
DAPHNE
How could you not know?
NILES
I went and had a drink or twenty with Roz after you left last night. I remember putting her in bed right after she fell off the barstool and the bartender kicked us out. So I took you to her room and then I remember feeling really quite ill. Then for some reason I decided that the best way to feel better was to raid Roz's mini bar. I was woken this morning by the grounds keeper prodding me next to the wishing well where I apparently passed out. I guess my wish came true.
DAPHNE
You're so sweet. You did all that over me?
NILES
Well I wasn't sick over you but the way I'm feeling I wouldn't rule it out.
DAPHNE
Why don't you lie down in the back? I'll be all right driving this thing.
NILES
I'd rather stay here with you. Besides there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
DAPHNE
If we're going to get into that now I think we should at least make a deal.
NILES
A deal? What do you mean?
DAPHNE
We take it in turns to ask each other a question. Because by the time I've finished asking everything I want to know we could have driven to New York and back.
NILES
I'm game if you are.
DAPHNE
Don't tempt me. OK me first. Do you remember when we went to the Snow Ball?
NILES
I already know where this is headed.
AS THEY CONTINUE TALKING AND HEADING DOWN THE HIGHWAY WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
TITLE CARD: 'ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET, GO…'
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S ROOM IN THE WAYSIDE INN — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Mel, Donny)
FRASIER AND MARTIN ARE PACKING THEIR BAGS AT GREAT SPEED. SOUNDS OF SCREAMS, SHOUTS AND SMASHES CAN BE HEARD QUITE LOUDLY GOING ON IN THE BACKGROUND
FRASIER
Come on dad, faster then that.
MARTIN
I'm going as quick as I can. I do have a limp and a cane you know. Try phoning Niles again.
FRASIER GETS OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS
FRASIER
No nothing, he still has it switched off. There's no way to warn them. We have to get to them before Mel and Donny do.
MARTIN
We don't even know where there headed.
FRASIER
If they're not in Seattle then there's no chance that Mel and Donny will be able to find them. But we need to get back in case they've gone home.
ROZ ENTERS AND SITS DOWN ON THE BED
ROZ
Hey guys. How did it go?
FRASIER
Oh wonderful. They're over the moon about it. They have Greek heritage that's why they've decided to smash everything.
MARTIN
Right I'm packed let's go.
ROZ
What are you leaving already?
FRASIER
We have to. We've got to find them before Mel and Donny do. That's if they've gone back to Seattle, I pray for their own sake that they haven't.
ROZ
Well, wait and I'll come with you.
FRASIER
But we have to leave now.
ROZ
Listen buddy, there is no way you're leaving me here with a bunch of other people's angry relatives. I am not going home with Simon. Between him and his brothers on the way up here I was hit on more times than a pinata.
FRASIER
Very well then, go pack.
SHE RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND THEN COMES OUT WITH HER ARMS FULL OF COMPLIMENTARY SHAMPOO AND BUBBLE BATH
FRASIER (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
ROZ
Well you weren't going to take them. And I'm not going to miss a bunch of freebees.
FRASIER
Very well, just hurry up.
SHE THEN TAKES A BOTTLE OF VODKA OUT OF THE MINI BAR
ROZ
I'll need something to help me pack.
ROZ EXITS
FRASIER
Perhaps a liver transplant.
MEL ENTERS WITH A SUITCASE IN HAND
MEL
I would just like to say thank you Frasier for the time we've spent together today. You make up the spine that your bastard brother lacks. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and find my husband and his whore.
FRASIER
Wait Mel, maybe you should stop and think about this. I wouldn't want you to do anything rash because you'll regret it in the clear light of day.
MEL
If I needed your advice Frasier I would call your show. Right now I don't give a rats ass what you think Frasier because personally I don't think removing your husbands testicles can be considered rash behaviour. And do you know why I'm going to do that? Because he's a lying, cheating bastard.
FRASIER
You act like that's a bad thing.
MEL
Are you ready Donny?
DONNY ENTERS CARRYING A BAG
DONNY
Yes. Are we going in separate cars or do you want to ride with me?
MARTIN
Listen Donny, Mel, I'm begging you. Please don't be hasty about this. Why don't you just take some time to cool down so that you can discuss this with them like calm rational adults?
DONNY
We don't want to that's why. All I want right now is to see your son's head on a silver platter.
FRASIER
Me? What have I done?
DONNY
Not you, Niles. Although I do know that you played some part in this and when I find out exactly what you did I will make you wish you never heard the name Donald Ronald Douglas. Mel, are you ready? Feel like killing a crane?
MEL
Yes.
FRASIER
Listen Donny, believe me, I know what you're going through. I was left at the altar as well. But look at me, I turned out fine.
DONNY
Divorced twice, single and living with your father. I'm so lucky I've got that to look forward to.
MEL
Goodbye Frasier, Dad.
MEL AND DONNY EXIT
MARTIN
She sure knows how to put the boot in.
ROZ ENTERS RUNNING AND CARRYING HER BAG
ROZ
OK I'm ready. Let's go.
MARTIN
We've got to beat them back there.
ROZ
Are you kidding? The way Frasier drives we'll be lucky to make it back by Thanksgiving.
FRASIER
Well I'm not letting an old man with a cane or a woman with more alcohol than blood in her veins drive my car.
MARTIN
Just get going.
THEY EXIT WITH FRASIER LEFT TO CARRY ALL OF THEIR BAGS AS WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. WINNEBAGO — DAY — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz)
THE WINNEBAGO AS BEFORE WITH NILES AND DAPHNE IN A FIT OF HYSTERICS
DAPHNE
I can't believe you did that. What did Dr. Crane say to her?
NILES
I don't know but she runs for cover every time I see her now with a look of horror on her face.
DAPHNE
I can't believe after all this time that I was Phyllis. All those wonderful things you said about her, I guess were actually about me.
NILES
And I meant every word.
DAPHNE
You're so sweet. I don't know what I've done to deserve you.
NILES
Massaged my dad's ass for seven years to start with.
DAPHNE
Seriously now though. Where are we going? To the Elliot Bay or the Montana?
NILES
Do you want to see Donny today?
DAPHNE
God no.
NILES
Does he have your key to Frasier's place?
DAPHNE
Yes he does.
NILES
Then lets go to the Montana. He doesn't have a key to there.
DAPHNE
You're just trying to get me back to your place.
NILES
How could you think that? I'm just trying to protect you so you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do.
DAPHNE
Ok I'm sorry (LONG PAUSE) but you are though aren't you?
NILES
Yes. But if Donny does come back to Seattle today you won't have to see him if you're over at my place.
DAPHNE
But what about Mel? The first place she'll go is to your place.
NILES
Then we go on to the second floor and don't answer the door. And how are they going to know we're there if we don't answer the door or phone?
DAPHNE
Fine then, the Montana it is. Although what are your neighbours going to think when you pull up in a Winnebago with a woman in a wedding gown?
NILES
That I've finally lost my mind.
DAPHNE
They have been thinking that since you moved in there.
NILES
But you know what? I don't care. As long as you're with me I don't care what the rest of the word thinks.
DAPHNE
Remind me to kiss you for that when I pull over.
NILES
I'll write it in my diary. Make out with Daphne for being so sweet.
DAPHNE
(LAUGHING) Don't you think you'd better call your brother and let him know what's going on?
NILES
What that we're planning to make out over at my place.
DAPHNE
How about you lead up to that?
NILES
OK
TAKES OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND DIALS
NILES (CONT'D)
Hi Frasier.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BMW — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER IS DRIVING HIS SPEEDING BMW WITH MARTIN, SITTING IN THE FRONT PASSENGER SEAT, AND ROZ, LYING ACROSS THE BACK SEAT, LOOKING LIKE A PAIR OF HOSTAGES
FRASIER
Niles, oh thank God, you've called. Are you both all right?
MARTIN
Is the Winnebago all right?
RESET TO:
INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS
NILES
We're fine Frasier. A little giddy and I'm struggling to contain my hormones, but other than that everything's A OK.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BMW — CONTINUOUS
MARTIN
Ask him about the Winnebago.
FRASIER
In a minute Dad. No it's not Niles. Mel and Donny are…
RESET TO:
INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS
NILES
I know and we're so sorry for leaving you to deal with it like that but we just had to get away. We're going to phone them the moment we get home.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BMW — CONTINUOUS
ROZ
Tell him I'm going to kill him for puking in my bathtub. Daphne I hope you know he's not as charming as you think.
MARTIN
What about the Road warrior?
FRASIER
Will you two pipe down? No Niles you don't understand. They are both extremely angry and as we speak hurtling down the highway back to Seattle to hunt you two down.
RESET TO:
INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS
NILES
Where are you?
FRASIER
(OVER THE PHONE) We're trying to get back before they do.
NILES
Are they really that mad?
FRASIER
Niles that tiny little woman picked up a desk and threw it across the room at me. She nearly made dad cry. Donny's so rigged with anger he had trouble bending to get into the car. The best thing that the two of you can do is lay low until they have the chance to cool down. Where are you going?
NILES
Back to my place. Donny has Daphne's key so we couldn't go back to your place.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BMW — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
OK stay there and don't answer the door to anyone but me.
NILES
Why who else is coming?
FRASIER
There is practically a procession of cars behind me. Everyone wants to kill you.
NILES
Like who?
FRASIER
Daphne's parents for one. Not to mention Donny's parents and all of Daphne's brothers, particularly Simon.
RESET TO:
INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS
NILES
Why Simon?
FRASIER
As he so politely put it 'You ran off to shag his sister while he was gagging for it himself.'
NILES
And they're all heading back to Seattle?
FRASIER
Yes and when they see you're not at my place, it's not going to take long before they head over to the Montana.
NILES
Oh my God.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S BMW — CONTINUOUS
FRASIER
It'll be OK
ROZ
Ok my ass. They want to kill him.
FRASIER
You just need to stay out of their way until they all have a chance to cool down.
MARTIN
Ask him about the Winnebago.
FRASIER
All right Dad. Niles, Dad wants to know if the Winnebago's all right.
NILES
Tell him it's fine, Daphne's driving it and doing a very good job.
FRASIER
It's OK, Daphne's driving it.
ROZ
Now we know straight away whose wearing the pants in this relationship.
FRASIER
Look Niles, everything will be fine. You just need to leave it a couple of days until everyone has had time to calm down or leave the country.
NILES
Ok, bye Frasier.
HANGING UP THE PHONE
FRASIER
They're going to kill them.
RESET TO:
INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS
NILES
They're going to kill us.
ON THEIR WORRIED LOOKS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(F)
TITLE CARD: HOME, SWEET AHHHHH…
FADE IN:
INT. HALLWAY OF THE MONTANA — DAY — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne)
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT OFF THE ELEVATOR AND GO TO UNLOCK THE DOOR
DAPHNE
That Taxi driver thought we were off our rocker.
NILES
You'd think that no one ever took a taxi wearing wedding outfits before.
DAPHNE
Mr. Crane will be glad to see the Winnebago parked in its space in one piece.
NILES
They'd have known we were here straight away if we hadn't have left it at Frasier's. But lets forget about it now. Mel and Donny may not even come here. Put it to the back of your mind until they've had a chance to cool down. Then we can sit down and talk to them like calm rational adults.
DAPHNE
Do you think they'll ever forgive us?
NILES
In time possibly. Trust me, I know people. I am a therapist you know.
DAPHNE
I just feel so guilty.
NILES
Forget about it for today.
NILES OPENS THE DOOR
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' APARTMENT — DAY — DAY/1
THEY ENTER AND ARE WELCOMED BY A LARGE BANNER THAT READS 'CONGRATULATIONS MEL AND NILES', HUNDREDS OF BALLOONS AND A TABLE FULL OF WEDDING GIFTS
DAPHNE
Well it should be fairly easy to forget about it.
NILES
The doorman must have let them in.
DAPHNE
If he lets in a bunch of barmy buggers with balloons he's going to have no hesitation of giving your wife the key is he?
NILES
I'll call him and tell him to give the key to no one but me.
DAPHNE
Isn't he going to think that's a little odd? Locking your wife out of your house four days after your wedding?
NILES
I'll say I'm redecorating and we're spending the night in a hotel and I don't want her to see what I'm doing.
DAPHNE
He's not going to believe that. He's just seen you go by with a woman in a wedding dress. He probably thinks you're a bigamist and collecting wives for a rainy day.
NILES
I don't care what he thinks. I'll just tell him he's not to give her the key. End of story.
DAPHNE
Right, while you do that I've got to get out of this wedding dress.
NILES
Well I don't have to call him right away. I could give you a hand.
DAPHNE
(KISSING HIM) Just call him. Do you mind if I borrow your dressing gown?
NILES
Of course. You can wear it everyday if you like. As long as you know I may want to share it with you after dinner, before dinner, during dinner.
DAPHNE
I don't see any problem with that.
DAPHNE EXITS UPSTAIRS. NILES WATCHES HER EXIT AND AS SOON AS SHE HAS GONE SUDDENLY LOOSES CONTROL OF HIS LEGS AND COLLAPSES ON THE FAINTING COUCH MOUTHING THE WORDS 'THANK YOU GOD' TO THE HEAVENS AS WE:
FADE OUT:
(G)
TITLE CARD: SO THAT'S HOW THEY USED TO BEHEAD PEOPLE
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S BMW — DAY — DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Roz)
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ARE SEATED AS BEFORE WITH MARTIN BEGINNING TO GIGGLE IN HIS SEAT AND ROZ LOOKING VERY ILL
ROZ
For God's sake Frasier will you slow down?
FRASIER
You're the one who told me to speed up.
ROZ
I asked you to get a move on not give me a face lift from the g-force.
FRASIER
I don't care we have got to get to Niles and Daphne before Mel and Donny do.
ROZ
They've got to be miles in front of us by now. So what does it matter if we get back in twenty minutes or an hour and twenty, we're still going to have to call the morgue.
FRASIER
Oh will you sober up, I don't want to have to service my car.
ROZ
Look I already know the ground rules for travelling in your car. If I feel as if I'm going to be sick I stick my head out of the window far enough so that I don't get any on the paint work but not so far that I get decapitated.
FRASIER
I hope they're both all right.
MARTIN
Jeez, will you calm down Fras. We passed Mel and Donny about forty-five minutes ago.
FRASIER
What?!
MARTIN
We drove passed them about forty-five minutes ago.
FRASIER
How do you know?
MARTIN
I saw them.
ROZ
You saw them?
FRASIER
Shut up Roz. You saw them?
MARTIN
Yeah, we went passed them as they pulled into a gas station at the exit.
FRASIER
How fast where they?
MARTIN
At the gas station?
FRASIER
No not at the gas station. How fast were they driving?
MARTIN
Jeez, I don't know Fras. I didn't bring my speedometer with me.
FRASIER
Well were they going faster than we were?
ROZ
How could they have been going faster than us, we over took them Frasier.
FRASIER
Be quiet Roz.
MARTIN
How could they have been going faster than us, we over took them Frasier.
FRASIER
Well why didn't you tell me?
MARTIN
Because I need to use the bathroom and I knew you'd never stop, so I figured the quicker we got back the sooner I could go.
FRASIER
Oh Dad. Do you see them behind us Roz? (PAUSE) Roz (PAUSE) Roz!
ROZ
Oh I'm allowed to speak now am I?
FRASIER
Roz, I'm sorry it's just…
ROZ
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
SHE LOOKS THROUGH THE REAR WINDOW
ROZ (CONT'D)
No they're long gone in your attempt to break the land speed record.
FRASIER
You'll never complain I drive to slow again.
ROZ
You'll be lucky if I get in a car with you again.
FRASIER
Isn't you car in the shop?
ROZ
Yes.
FRASIER
Do you need a ride into work tomorrow?
ROZ
Yes, thanks Frasier. That would be great.
MARTIN
Oh jeez. So will you pull over now?
FRASIER
You've waited this long, you can wait a little longer.
AS THEY CONTINUE DRIVING BACK TO SEATTLE WE:
FADE OUT:
(H)
TITLE CARD: WHO'S THE BIGGER DRAGON?
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' APARTMENT — DAY — DAY/1
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Mel, Donny, Mrs. Moon, Simon)
DAPHNE, NOW DRESSED IN NILES' ROBE, IS SEATED ON THE FAINTING COUCH WHILE NILES STANDS ON A CHAIR AND TRIES TO PULL THE CONGRATULATIONS SIGN DOWN
DAPHNE
Watch you don't fall off that chair.
NILES
It's fine, I've got it now.
HE STEPS DOWN OFF THE CHAIR AND SCREWS UP THE BANNER
NILES (CONT'D)
What's wrong? You look sad.
DAPHNE
I'm just starting to feel really guilty. We've ruined two people's lives.
HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER
NILES
Yes, you can look at it that way. But I prefer to focus on another angle.
DAPHNE
And what angle would that be?
NILES
Why should four people be miserable, when two people can be ecstatic?
DAPHNE
But you started with four people in that equation. What happens to the other two?
HE LEANS IN TOWARDS HER
NILES
You always get a couple of remainders left over in math.
DAPHNE
Math has never been one of your strong points has it?
NILES
Not really, but if you want me to, I can show you one of my strong points.
THEY KISS
DAPHNE
I don't like that look in your eye.
NILES
Well you're going to have to get used to that look. It comes right before this.
THEY KISS
DAPHNE
Oh doctor. Tell me more.
THEY KISS AGAIN
SFX: DOORBELL
THEY SUDDENLY BOTH FREEZE WITH FREIGHT
NILES
Oh my god. It's Mel and Donny.
DAPHNE
(WHISPERING) Keep your voice down. Don't let them know we're here.
SFX: DOORBELL
NILES
(WHISPERING) This is ridiculous. I feel like a hostage in my own house.
DAPHNE
(WHISPERING) There's no way your answering that door. It's just going to make matters worse if they see me in your bleedin' bathrobe.
NILES
(WHISPERING) Oh my god. I just thought of something.
HE PUSHES HER FLAT ON HER BACK AND THEN JUMPS ALMOST ON TOP OF HER
DAPHNE
(WHISPERING) Niles, I know we've been together for nearly three hours, but your wife and my fiancé are standing outside that door. I don't think it would be that appropriate if were to… you know.
SFX: DOORBELL
THE SOUND OF THE DOORBELL IS FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF SOMEONE POUNDING ON THE DOOR WITH THEIR FISTS.
NILES
(WHISPERING) No you don't understand. If they look through the keyhole they'll see us.
DAPHNE
(WHISPERING) Of course, I knew that. Forget what I said.
NILES
(WHISPERING) What about pencilling it in my diary to make out now?
DAPHNE
(WHISPERING) How on earth did I not notice you acting this goofy for seven years?
NILES
(WHISPERING) I hid it well. I have always been the master of deception.
THE DOOR IS THEN UNLOCKED AND FLUNG OPEN AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
My God. When I told you two to lay low I didn't mean or you to take it quite so literally.
ENTER MARTIN WHO HURRIEDLY PUSHES PAST
MARTIN
Get out of my way, I gotta pee.
MARTIN EXITS UP THE STAIRS AS ROZ ENTERS AND PUSHES PAST FRASIER
ROZ
Get out of my way, I'm gonna hurl.
NILES
Then run woman, run. Mind the carpets. Both of you.
ROZ
Daphne, come and hold my hair.
DAPHNE
I'm coming.
EXIT ROZ AND DAPHNE WHO BOTH RUN UP THE STAIRS
FRASIER
(DISAPPROVINGLY) Oh Niles, couldn't you have waited a while.
NILES
Waited a while for what?
FRASIER
You know very well what I mean mister, Daphne.
NILES
I've waited seven years for her Frasier. And in case it escaped your notice she was going to become Mrs. Donny Douglas this morning. If I had waited any longer it would have been…
FRASIER
Adultery on two counts.
NILES
Frasier, what are you saying? You now disapprove of my seeing Daphne after everything that you've done to try to push us together over the last week.
FRASIER
The bathrobe Niles. Daphne wearing your bathrobe and you've been together what, two and half-hours, at the most.
NILES
Frasier, you don't mean. (DISGUSTED) Frasier!
FRASIER
Don't play all innocent with me. I just think you should have been more careful, for all you knew it could have been Mel and Donny outside that door with a gun instead of me, a practically incontinent man with a cane and a woman who needs to book into the Betty Ford clinic.
ENTER MARTIN WALKING BACK DOWN THE STAIRS
MARTIN
I heard that. If you'd have pulled over when I said, I wouldn't now have badly damaged kidneys and print all over my pants from when you made me sit on a newspaper in case I couldn't hold it anymore.
FRASIER
Well I'm sorry dad, but I have a date on Friday. I don't want to have to pull up and say 'don't mind the smell, my dad drank too much beer at the wedding from hell.'
NILES
Listen Frasier, for your information Daphne is wearing my bathrobe because she wanted to get out of her wedding dress and all my pleated skirts and summer dresses are at the dry cleaners.
FRASIER
Oh, but you two were, well you know.
NILES
We thought that it was Mel and Donny ringing on the doorbell and we lay down so that they wouldn't be able to see us through the keyhole.
FRASIER
Oh sorry Niles. So you haven't…
NILES
No. Of course not.
FRASIER
Pencilled it in for later?
NILES
(CHILDISHLY GIDDY) Yes.
FRASIER
I have only one thing to say to you brother.
NILES
I know and we're so sorry for running off like that. But when she burst into the Winnebago and asked me to drive. There was no way I was coming back.
FRASIER
Actually I was going to save that for later.
NILES
What was it you wanted to say then.
FRASIER HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS TO HUG HIM
FRASIER
Congratulations Niles
THEY HUG
NILES
Thank you Frasier, for everything
MARTIN
(EMBRACING NILES) I'm so happy for you son.
NILES
Thanks Dad. Once again I am so sorry for leaving you two to handle everything like that. If I could do it over again then I'd come back and set everything right.
FRASIER
Oh it wasn't that bad. It was a picnic compared to my wedding to Lilith.
MARTIN
Having the entire wedding party dying of food poisoning would have been a picnic compared to your wedding to Lilith.
FRASIER
Believe me if I could turn back the clock I'd have kept the shrimp in the boiler room instead of the fridge.
ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER BACK DOWN THE STAIRS
DAPHNE
It's all right, I don't think you got any on your dress.
MARTIN
(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Would you notice if she had?
NILES
Did you make it to the toilet?
ROZ
No, I did it in your bath to get even.
NILES
Bath? (REALISING) The bath. Oh no. I am so sorry Roz. At least that explains the tile marks I found on my face before I emptied your mini bar. I apologise from the bottom of my heart, but I was a little worse for wear.
ROZ
He threw up in may bath, did the little Casanova tell you that Daphne?
DAPHNE
Have you been drinking again this morning?
FRASIER
Not so that you'd notice.
DAPHNE
Come on you, I'm going to make you some coffee.
ROZ
I'll only drink it if you put some brandy in it.
ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT TO THE KITCHEN
FRASIER
And while we're on the subject of drinks, would anyone like to join me in a celebratory one.
ROZ
(FROM THE KITCHEN) I would.
NILES
Come on, I've got some champagne in the fridge.
MARTIN
Haven't you got anything that's…?
NILES
In an aluminum can? Yes Dad, I have beer.
NILES, FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT TO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. KITCHEN OF THE MONTANA — DAY — DAY/1
ROZ IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH HER HEAD ON IT. DAPHNE IS PUTTING SOME COFFEE ON AS FRASIER GETS OUT SOME GLASSES AND NILES GETS THE CHAMPAGNE AND BALLANTINE
DAPHNE
Dr. Crane, I really must say, how terrible I feel for leaving you to cope like that.
FRASIER
It's all right Daphne, forget about it.
DAPHNE
But I feel as if I should make it up to you somehow.
FRASIER
That's fine. And I know exactly how you can do that.
DAPHNE
I feel a nightmare coming on.
FRASIER
On the contrary, all you need to do is be happy, because all the revelations over the last week have not made just one of the Crane boys happy, but all three. And all I ask of you is to be happy because I haven't seen you with that smile on your face for a very long time and I've missed it.
DAPHNE
Thankyou Dr. Crane.
MARTIN
What about me? I was at that train wreak of a wedding, as well you know.
DAPHNE
I know, I'm sorry, thankyou Mr. Crane.
MARTIN
You're not getting out of it that easily with me, I want pancakes in the morning.
DAPHNE
Well you can get them yourself then, you lazy old sod.
MARTIN
Niles, I have to say on first appearances, I don't like your new girlfriend all that much.
SHE HUGS HIM
DAPHNE
Oh come here. I'll cook you whatever you want. It's just so nice to know that I don't have to leave. I've been dreading it for weeks.
NILES
Was that only because you were going to miss home? Or was there another reason?
DAPHNE
Oh now don't you start getting all insecure on me now Niles.
NILES ONCE AGAIN LAUGHS AT THE SOUND OF HIS NAME
FRASIER
Oh so it's Niles now is it?
DAPHNE
I came to the conclusion that everyone would think it was some sort of weird, kinky, foreplay if I kept calling him Dr. Crane. And after all many people do call their boyfriends by their first names, so Niles it is.
NILES LAUGHS AGAIN
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
I hope you grow out of that. It's going to be a lot of good in church one day saying me vows 'I take thee Niles' and having you wetting yourself laughing.
NILES
Do you really see us lasting that long?
DAPHNE
My God, why on earth are you so insecure?
NILES
You met Maris right?
FRASIER
If I can just but in here, if I don't see a couple of kids and twin burial plots out of this I shall be sorely disappointed. Well if I may, I'd like to propose a toast.
THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES APART FROM ROZ WHO REMAINS ALMOST ASLEEP ON THE TABLE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
To Niles and Daphne. Some people go through their entire lives without finding that one true person they are meant to spend the rest of their life with. The person who sets you soul on fire each morning. After eight years, you've finally found each other and Dad and I couldn't be happier for you. Congratulations.
THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES AND HAVE A DRINK
SFX: DOORBELL
THEY ALL FREEZE AND THEN JUMP AS THE DOOR IS BANGED ON
DONNY
(FROM THE HALL) Niles, you bastard, open the goddamn door.
MEL
(FROM THE HALL) We know you're in there you little tramp.
NILES
Oh my god, what do we do?
FRASIER
Nothing, they can't get in. In a minute they'll realise your not home and leave. And with any luck cool off a bit.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' LOUNGE IN APARTMENT — DAY — DAY/1
THE DOOR THEN UNLOCKS AND MEL AND DONNY ENTER
DONNY
We know you're here. You can't hide forever.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN — DAY — DAY/1
NILES CROUCHES ON THE FLOOR AND PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN SLIGHTLY TO SEE WHAT MEL AND DONNY ARE DOING
MEL
It doesn't look like they've been here. I knew we should have gone to his brother's tacky hole first.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN — DAY — DAY/1
FRASIER
Hey.
NILES
Shhhhh.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' LOUNGE — DAY — DAY/1
DONNY
What was that?
MEL
What was what?
DONNY
That noise.
MEL
I didn't hear anything. Come on let's go, they're obviously not here.
DONNY
Probably shacked up in that god awful Winnebago some where.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN — DAY — DAY/1
MARTIN
Hey
DAPHNE
Shhhhh.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' LOUNGE — DAY — DAY/1
MEL AND DONNY NOTICE THAT THE SOUND IS COMING FROM THE KITCHEN AND MOVE QUIETLY AND SLOWLY TO THE DOOR.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN — DAY — DAY/1
NILES CLOSES THE DOOR AGAIN BUT STILL REMAINS CROUCHING ON THE FLOOR
FRASIER
(WHISPERING) I can't be right all the time.
DAPHNE
(WHISPERING) How have they got in?
NILES
(WHISPERING) I don't know. I got the spare key off the doorman. Oh that's right.
MARTIN
(WHISPERING) What?
NILES
(WHISPERING) I gave her, her own key.
DAPHNE
(WHISPERING) You said they wouldn't be able to get in. I knew you were just trying to get me up here.
NILES
(WHISPERING) Well I'm sorry. I'm still a guy after all.
FRASIER
(WHISPERING) It's gone awfully quiet. Maybe they've gone.
NILES GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR A CRACK AGAIN TO LOOK OUT BUT AS HE DOES MEL PUSHES THE DOOR HARD FROM THE OTHER SIDE WHICH HITS NILES RIGHT ON THE HEAD AND SENDS HIM SPRAWLING ON THE FLOOR
MEL
Hello honey. How nice to invite your family and your whore to our marital home.
DAPHNE
Don't you speak to me like that.
DAPHNE LUNGES TOWARDS MEL BUT FRASIER GRABS HER AND RESTRAINS HER BEFORE SHE HAS CHANCE
MEL
I never realised how feisty you were Daphne. Now I know why you decided to go slumming it Niles.
DONNY
How could you Daphne? For him.
DAPHNE
Donny, I'm sorry but I love him.
MEL
Now isn't that sweet. But unfortunately I think you're out of luck Daphne. Shag a servant day was last week. Oh, and I forgot to get you a card, I hope you'll forgive me.
NILES
Don't you speak to her like that.
DONNY
Niles, don't pretend like you've got a spine.
NILES
Well thankyou both very much for stopping by, but this is my home and I would appreciate it if you left.
MEL
Our home honey.
NILES
Mel, don't.
MEL
After all I am your wife aren't I. It was only four days ago that you told me you loved me. Married me and then we made love all night. You do remember that don't you?
MARTIN
I didn't need to hear that.
MEL
Then why don't you leave Dad?
NILES
Look, leave them out of this. It's between you and me. Not them.
DAPHNE
Donny, I'm just so…
DONNY
Don't Daphne. You disgust me.
FRASIER
Donny, that's below the belt.
DONNY
And what they've done to us isn't?
FRASIER
Why don't you two both just go home before you say something that you're going to regret?
MEL
Why don't you go home before I do something you'll regret?
DAPHNE
Niles and I…
NILES CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH AGAIN
DONNY
You think this is funny do you?
NILES
No Donny, I don't.
DONNY
Because if you think it's funny, you're going to find this hysterical.
DONNY PUNCHES NILES AND ALMOST MAKES HIM FALL ON ROZ WITH THE FORCE. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY RUSHES TO HIM
FRASIER
I've lost all sympathy now Donny, so just get out before I call the police.
DAPHNE
Donny, I'm sorry, but this isn't going to solve anything.
DONNY
You know, I can handle being left at the alter, I can handle being humiliated in front of everyone I love, I can also handle the fact that you don't love me Daphne. But that you left me for him. That is inexcusable.
DAPHNE
Donny, I didn't plan any of this it just happened.
MEL
Oh please. D-Day had less time spent planning it. If you didn't plan it then how come he was already waiting in you're little getaway tank for you.
ROZ
Will you people keep it down some of us are trying to sleep.
NILES
Look Mel it's over. I'm sorry. I'd planned to say it nicer and not be so blunt but you've left me no alternative. We're finished Mel.
MEL
You don't think I know that? I wouldn't have you back now, even if you came crawling on your hands and knees which we all know you're particularly good at. You've dipped your wick elsewhere and I wouldn't want it back now.
DAPHNE
Then what are you doing here?
MEL
Just wanted to say hello to my in-laws. Oh and introduce you to my new divorce lawyer.
NILES
Mel, divorce doesn't need to be brought into this. It can all be done simply and easily by annulment.
MEL
But I don't like simple, and I sure as hell don't like easy. I think I have a pretty good case for getting this place in the settlement. And as the bathrobe proves, I can now add adultery to my case against you.
DONNY
When I'm through with you it's going to seem like Maris was just after your loose change.
MEL
Goodbye then honey.
KISSES NILES FOR A SECOND BEFORE HE PULLS AWAY THEN SHE WHISPERS IN HIS EAR
MEL (CONT'D)
If I ever feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, because I love and miss you, all I have to do is this. Conjure up the memory of this moment and the taste of that tramp on your lips.
NILES
I don't care. No matter what you do, you won't be able to hurt me. I have the love of my life that's all that matters.
DONNY
How sweet. You're a lucky man Niles, because God I'm going to miss that sweet ass of hers.
FRASIER
Donny, that's enough, now get out of here.
MEL
When he gets tired of slumming it, he'll be back Daphne. I'd prepare myself for it now if I were you. That type of humiliation is hard to live down, knowing that you've been out classed.
DAPHNE
Not as hard to live down as the fact that your husband always thought of his brothers housekeeper when he had sex with you.
MEL
You won't have anything by the time I'm through with you.
MEL EXITS FOLLOWED CLOSELY BEHIND BY DONNY
DONNY
Oh Niles, I'll be in touch.
DONNY EXITS
MARTIN
I have to say, I think you got out of the pretty lightly.
NILES
Daphne, are you all right?
DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO CRY AND BURIES HER HEAD INTO HIS SHOULDER
NILES (CONT'D)
Don't worry, it's over now. You don't ever have to see them again.
DAPHNE
But when all's said and done, they're right.
NILES
Right about what?
DAPHNE
About what I've done. I am a tramp and a whore.
NILES
Listen to me. Don't you ever believe that. You have done nothing wrong. This has been my fault from the beginning. If I had any sort of a spine I'd have told you years ago but I kept my mouth shut. You just got caught up in it.
FRASIER
Daphne, they're both hurting. They've said a lot of things that they don't mean and will regret. Trust me, I've been there, I've said them.
MARTIN
In a few days, they'll realise what they done and apologise.
ROZ
Apologise for what?
FRASIER
Did you just miss all of that?
ROZ
All of what?
FRASIER
The screaming and the yelling and the punching. Mel and Donny have just been here.
ROZ
Really? I must have dozed off.
FRASIER
How could you doze off, it was like world war three?
ROZ
I feel terrible. I'd sleep in the middle of Puget Sound if you gave me an inflatable whale and a rubber ring. Niles, why is your lip bleeding?
DAPHNE
I'll get you a cloth.
NILES
Daphne, come with me a moment will you?
DAPHNE
What for?
HE GESTURES FOR HER TO GO INTO THE LOUNGE
NILES
We just need a minute alone.
FRASIER
Take as long as you like.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' LOUNGE — DAY — DAY/1
NILES LEADS DAPHNE TO THE FAINTING COUCH AND THEY BOTH SIT DOWN
NILES
Daphne, do you still want this?
DAPHNE
What?
NILES
After everything that's been said. After you've seen Donny again, do you still want me?
DAPHNE
I was a little doubtful after the vomit in the bathroom story. My brothers will be so proud of you. How could you doubt it?
NILES
I just don't want you to think that you've made your bed and now you have to lie in it. If you don't want this then, now's the time to say so.
SHE LEANS ACROSS AND KISSES HIM
NILES (CONT'D)
I thought so. It was nice while it lasted. All three hours of it.
SHE SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE ARM
DAPHNE
Oh you. Come here.
THEY HUG
NILES
What they said is not true.
DAPHNE
I wish I could believe that.
NILES
Daphne, you are an angel. You are everything that's right with the world. One smile from you makes me go weak at the knees. Everything you touch, you make beautiful. To know how special you are you've only got to look at the people who love you. My father has despised every woman that Frasier and I have been involved with. Yet with you, dad has been miserable for weeks because you were leaving. That's how special you are. You're a…
DAPHNE
Dragon.
NILES
That wasn't exactly what I was going to say but…
DAPHNE
You have a dragon.
NILES
What?
DAPHNE
By the door. You have a dragon.
NILES
Oh that. Roz bought it for me as a thankyou. It's hideous I know.
DAPHNE
It's perfect.
NILES
It's exquisite isn't it?
DAPHNE
How long have you had it?
NILES
Since about this time last year. What's all this about?
DAPHNE
That vision I was having about the man in the red bow tie.
NILES
Go on.
DAPHNE
I had another one a short while later and my mystery man was standing with a…
NILES
Dragon?
DAPHNE
Yes. I don't believe this. After seven years I've finally found you.
SHE GOES TO KISS HIM BUT NOTICES THE BLOOD, THAT IS STILL OVER HIS LIP
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Hold on, your lips still bleeding.
SHE DABS AT IT WITH THE CLOTH THAT SHE STILL HAS IN HER HAND
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Some of it's gone on your shirt and your tie. I don't think I'll be able to get the red out of that.
NILES
It's a shame it's not a bow tie.
DAPHNE
It's close enough.
THEY KISS AGAIN AS FRASIER CAN BE HEARD COUGHING IN THE KITCHEN. NILES THEN GETS UP AND WALKS QUIETLY OVER TO THE DOOR. HE PULLS IT OPEN AND FRASIER, WHO HAD OBVIOUSLY BEEN LISTENING SPRAWLING OVER THE FLOOR
FRASIER
Sorry, lost my contact lens.
NILES
You don't wear contact lenses.
FRASIER
That's because they keep falling out.
MARTIN
So is everything all right?
NILES
Well I've got a semiconscious woman in the kitchen, my brother doing belly flops on the floor. So yes everything's perfect.
MARTIN
The hard parts over now. From now on it's only good times.
DAPHNE
I hope your right.
NILES
(HUGGING HER) Nothing else can possible happen.
MRS. MOON, FOLLOWED BY AN ANGRY GROUP OF DAPHNE'S BROTHERS INCLUDING SIMON, ENTER THROUGH THE OPEN DOOR
MRS. MOON
There you are. You've got a lot of explaining to do young lady, running off like that? Do you have any idea how much it cost for all fifteen of us to fly over here?
DAPHNE
Mum, you don't understand…
SIMON
And you little bastard. What do you think you're doing with my sister?
NILES
At the moment, not a lot in the foreseeable future.
SIMON
See I told you Mum, this is the one whose baby she's having.
DAPHNE
Simon, how many more times do I have to tell you?
MRS. MOON
Shame on you. Taking advantage of my daughter. Leading her astray, you ought to be bloody castrated.
SIMON
I knew something was going on last night.
MRS. MOON
(SLAPS HIM) You knew about him last night and never told me?
SHOUTS OF 'WHEN'S IT DUE', 'I'M NOT BLOODY PREGNANT', 'I BET HE MADE YOU GET RID OF IT DIDN'T HE?', 'I DID NOTHING OF THE SORT', 'HOW DARE YOU SHAG MY SISTER', 'I HAVEN'T, BUT IF YOU DON'T MIND LEAVING' ARE HEARD AS FRASIER AND MARTIN SLOWLY MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS THE DOOR AND EXIT
END OF ACT TWO