You made us all believe you were immortal, didn't you Sunshine? I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. My name without yours bellowed through the corridors. My name without yours isn't mine anymore. It's just what I used to be called.
My back, without you watching it, isn't my back anymore. It's just lonely bone and sinew. I have to finish my sentences now. No one hears the unspoken words. I have to explain the joke. I do joke. Sometimes I laugh. But it's not the same. My laugh without yours.
I still make tea, can't do without tea. But it's not the same without you. It's just a drink without you.
I clean my gun, you're not here, so that's just habit now. Just something to do. Something to fill the empty time. Not something to do with you. Or waiting for you.
I bought something yesterday. You wouldn't have liked it. You would have said so. But I liked it, so I bought it. I don't have to explain it. Nobody cares what I buy. No other eyes spot the new things the minute they walk through my door. I have to point them out now. I have to explain that they are new and that I bought them because I liked them.
I still drink lager and go to the pub. It's not the same without you. A half without you. The barmaid remembers you, we talk about you. Remembering you. I remember how you left, but it doesn't wake me up anymore. Progress, I'm told.
Sometimes I talk to Cowley about you, he remembers you. Pours a whisky and remembers you. Everyone says polite things about you. Everyone except Cowley. Cowley doesn't say polite things about you. When I'm with Cowley I can complain about you. Be angry with you. Feels good being with Cowley and being angry with you. I don't know how to be polite about you. How to do anything without you.
I used to know. Before. When I didn't know you. Now it seems wrong, doing things without you. Sometimes I dial your number when there are things I want to do, so I can do them with you. Go to the pictures with you. You never answer. But mostly now, I remember not to 'phone. Progress, I'm told.
Asked one of the girls out yesterday. Not been doing much of that lately. She's nice, you'd like her. I can say that now, don't have to worry about that now. You're not here now. I expect I should be grateful. Silver lining.
I did the washing up yesterday, the radio was on. I didn't think about you at all. Just how the glasses sparkled, drying in the rack. I looked at the glasses for a long time. Staking them out. I shouldn't have let them dry like that. They have water marks now. Next time I'll use a cloth. These are the things I think about. Instead of you.
I run without you. Sometimes with one of the lads. Sometimes the old places. The places we used to run. They're still there without you. Haven't changed without you. It's not the same without you.
I get Chinese and Indian and chips. You never nick any. Or complain about my choice. It used to annoy me sometimes when you did that. Other things annoy me now. I don't remember what they are. You're not here. I wish you were here.
But you're not. Cowley says I have to deal with that. No good to him if I don't. So I deal with it. Every day. Without you. Try and remember who I was, before you. Who I wanted to be, before you.
Car's playing up. The gearbox is shot. Needs replacing. Using yours at the moment. Thought you should know. Cowley says they're getting old. Taken too much punishment. Looking at scrapping them, or trading them in. So that'll be a change.
Winter's coming. Already here. Bought a new coat. You'll never see it. Know I'm there because of it. Yours went to charity. Everything to charity. Expect that's best. Didn't keep much. Cowley's got your watch. It's in his desk. I thought that was right. I didn't need it. He's got others. Never says, but they're there. Maybe one day he'll have mine. Or someone will have his. Way of the world.
I'm being picked up soon. Some of the lads. Going back home. Trouble back home. Terrorists back home. Going mob handed. Without you. Villains without you. Burger vans without you. Wasteland and warehouses without you. Shooting without you. The job without you. Progress without you.
You made me believe you were immortal, didn't you Sunshine? I knew that you weren't. Angry because you weren't. Scared because you weren't.
You're not here and I wish you were here.
But you're not. Not anymore.
Just me.
Alone.
Coping without you.
Progress, I'm told.
END