A/N: We all know Bella was suffering when the Cullens moved away, but here's a peek of Edward's affliction. I don't know if this is completely accurate, but I tried to make it believable. Let's call this a long oneshot. Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all Twilight/New Moon, etc., etc.
0OoO0
Carlisle watched the passengers of the plane flood into the terminal. At last, he spotted Edward. Edward looked completely crestfallen, and when he spotted Carlisle, he gave a forced smile. "Good flight?" Carlisle asked him.
"Yes, it was okay."
In silence, they walked to the luggage terminal. Edward did not look at all well. Carlisle prodded gently, "Everything alright?"
Edward shook his head. "It's better this way," he said quickly, nodding slightly as though to convince himself. "Now we'll be safe; we'll be apart. That's better, isn't it?"
He turned to Carlisle as if asking for approval. Carlisle didn't know how to respond so he said, "What does your heart say?"
"I don't have a heart," Edward said bitterly, picking up his suitcase. "I'm heartless monster: I should have left Forks long ago. And now look at what I've done,"
Carlisle had to increase his speed to match Edward's angry stride. "You're putting to much blame on yourself-"
"No, I'm not," They stepped into the parking structure. Walking up to the car, they got inside wordlessly. Carlisle did not start up the engine. Edward said, "Let's go, I need something to distract me,"
"It's not good to keep all your feelings bottled up. Talk to me,"
"Please, Carlisle, don't do this to me," Edward whispered in a dangerously low voice. "I've had a hard enough time living with myself."
"Edward, you're not being rational,"
"I'm so thoughtless," Carlisle had to strain his ears to make out Edward's quick, angry words. "I shouldn't have even talked to her. But she doesn't understand: she refuses to believe how dangerous I am. And I let my desire control me. I should have stopped it much earlier. Now it's too late: the damage is done. You couldn't even imagine how lost she looked when I said goodbye. I…"
His voice faltered and he fell silent. Carlisle noticed that Edward hadn't even used Bella's name. It probably brought too many memories. Carlisle started up the car. "Esme has missed you."
No response.
"She's been worried about you."
No response.
"Edward…" Carlisle sighed. He knew it would be a long drive.
0OoO0
Pulling the key out of the ignition, Carlisle glanced at Edward. He had not moved the entire time. The door of the house in front of them sprang open, and Esme stepped out. Edward mechanically got out of the car and walked up the steps, followed by Carlisle. "Edward," Esme murmured, running her fingers through his bronze hair. "Did everything work out alright?"
"If you meant I gave her the news we were moving, then yes."
Esme waited for more, but Edward remained silent. She sighed and said, "Well I suppose we'll go inside now, no sense in standing out here,"
After looking around the house, Esme and Carlisle sat down in the kitchen, were they could see Edward on the couch, knees drawn up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them. He looked out the window, but his eye and thoughts were elsewhere.
"How is he?" Esme asked Carlisle as quietly as she could. A lost effort, for Edward could hear them anyway.
"Not good…" Carlisle said slowly.
"Let's go for a walk," Esme suggested in a slightly louder voice. "Edward," she called, "Your father and I are going for a walk. We'll only be a while,"
Edward did not break his gaze, but moved his head a centimeter up and a centimeter back down in acknowledgment.
0OoO0
Once outside and considerably away from the house, Esme turned to Carlisle. "Was he like this the whole way here?" she asked, concern in her golden eyes.
"I'm afraid so. I asked him to vent some of it out on me, just to get it out of his system, but there's a lot still inside him."
"If he even made a comment, smiled once or twice, even paced around, I wouldn't worry as much. I mean, Edward is usually active and- and expressive and…" Esme bit her lip in worry.
"I'm sure he'll come around with time," Carlisle replied, although he started to question this statement.
"I certainly hope so…"
0OoO0
A couple nights later, Edward showed no signs of improving. He sat on the stairs, knees drawn up to his chest. Esme and Carlisle were reading in the living room. All was quiet, except for an occasional car or the buzz of the lights. Esme shifted to cross her legs and Edward caught a glimpse of what she was reading- Romeo and Juliet. His mind whirled as he quickly made his way upstairs, not wanting Carlisle and Esme to worry. He almost made it to the bedroom before collapsing in the doorframe, shivering uncontrollably. Curling up into a tight ball, Edward bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. The world around him seemed to be falling apart, and the emptiness inside him burned.
Edward lay like this seemingly forever, until he had managed to sit up, arms still wrapped around his chest. Thoroughly depressed, he sat there, leaning against the wall broken and lifeless. Downstairs the phone rang. He heard Carlisle answer: "Hello? Oh, hi Alice. Glad you called…. No, I'm afraid not. No. I don't think he'd be up to it; I'll try though. Just a minute,"
Edward heard Carlisle starting up the stairs. He slumped back against the wall. "Edward," Carlisle said, "its Alice. She wants to talk to you."
"I don't want to talk," Edward whispered. "Please, Carlisle, tell her to call later."
Carlisle nodded slowly and walked back downstairs. He talked to Alice for a while, and hung up. "Maybe she could visit here and liven things up," Esme suggested.
Her husband shrugged. His only reply was, "It's getting late. We should start turning off some lights,"
0OoO0
Esme and Carlisle were out today. Edward lay on the living room floor, staring at the ceiling. The phone rang. He didn't answer it, but instead let the message machine take it. After the beep: "Hi, this is Alice. Just calling to say hello… call me back. Bye."
Five minutes later, she called again. "Hey, it's Alice again. Anyone home? Hello? Oh well, talk to you later. Bye."
After another few minutes, she called yet again. "This message is for Edward Cullen. This is Alice Cullen and I would like to talk to you so when you get this message please return my call. Bye."
Edward sighed and moved over to sit against the side of the couch. Again, the phone rang. He sighed; Alice would probably keep it up until Carlisle and Esme got home. The message machine said, "Edward, I know you're there. Pick up the phone. It's no use avoiding my calls. Edward-"
"I'm here Alice," he said wearily into the receiver.
"Edward! How are you? Is everything okay?"
"Alice, I'm not in the mood to talk,"
"Please talk to me for a bit. How do you feel?"
It was no use lying to Alice. "I don't know how to describe it."
She sighed. "Jasper and I miss you,"
He said nothing; after all, he felt the least pain when he was alone.
"Well I won't pester you anymore, but call me sometime soon to let me know how things are,"
"Maybe. Bye Alice-"
"Edward?"
"Yes?"
"I love you. Please be careful,"
"Love you, too. Bye Alice,"
"Bye Edward," she said reluctantly and the phone line buzzed.
0OoO0
Esme opened the door of the house that night and was greeted by silence. Carlisle was touring the hospitals around the area and Edward… she didn't have the slightest idea where he was. Flipping on a light, Esme walked into the living room. "Edward," she called. If he were inside he would have heard her. She checked upstairs, to find no one. Rushing back downstairs, Esme started to worry.
It worried her how lifeless Edward was; he hardly talked. No longer did he listen to music, or tinker with cars. He always seemed to disappear when Alice called and kept to himself. She often found him lying around the house, weary and inert.
She pulled out her phone and called him, only to jump when it rung on the table next to her. Letting her hair fall down and cover her face, she whispered, "Oh Edward,"
0OoO0
In fact, Edward was up on the roof, his eyes closed. Around him, the trees were silent. Almost like the trees… there. She was there. And he was here. Edward clutched his chest as a wave of aching crashed over him. He felt heartbreak tearing him apart, burning every part of his being. His shoulders shook with silent sobs as everything around his fell to pieces. Letting out a moan, Edward rolled over, coincidently, off the edge of the roof.
0OoO0
Esme heard a crash outside her bedroom window and rushed to see what it was. Once outside, she saw Edward, curled up in a ball, eyes shut tight.
"Oh God, Edward are you alright? Please say something. Edward!" she cried.
Suddenly, Edward stood up, although he was trembling slightly, "I'm okay Esme, sorry to bother you,"
He started to walk away.
"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, come back here this instant!" she called, grabbing him in a hug.
"Edward…" She pulled him closer. "I… well, you… oh!"
Esme had a million things to say to him, but a million more to ask him. Be happy. Be safe. I love you. What's wrong? Talk to me. I want you to be happy. You scare me- you're not yourself. Is the real Edward back in Forks? I know you miss Bella. Is that why you're so lifeless? I want to see you smile, to hear you laugh. I miss your loud music. I miss hearing you and Rosalie talk about cars. Could your siblings cheer you up? I know it's bad if you won't talk to Alice. Jasper misses you. I miss you. I'm worried about you. Your family loves you. I feel as if I've lost you. You will always be my son. What would make you happy? Would Bella make you happy? Would she make you sad? I wish you could see what a beautiful person you are. You're not a monster. Not even close. You're a good young man. Edward, I love you.
Instead, Esme hugged him for a long, long time, rocking back and forth gently. He would know what she wanted to say. He remained rigid, and his golden eyes seemed dull. She stroked his back and ran her fingers through his hair. After a while, she finally let him go. She still wanted to talk to him, but said, "I love you,"
If vampires could cry, they would both be teary eyed.
0OoO0
The next day, Esme and Carlisle came back to the house rather late. The house was quiet as a tomb, and had an air of absence about it. Carlisle bit his lip and turned to Esme; "I'm going to put my coat upstairs…"
They both knew that was a lie. He wanted to see if Edward was upstairs.
Carlisle came back quickly, shaking his head. "He might be outside," Esme whispered, "Last night he was on the roof…"
He raised his eyebrows but remained silent. Esme wandered into the kitchen. Carlisle gazed out the window into the darkness- and then he heard a gasp.
"Esme,"
He rushed into the kitchen to find Esme clutching a piece of paper. "He's gone," she breathed.
Carlisle took the paper and immediately wished he hadn't. It was a short note from Edward:
I have decided to go elsewhere. I cannot stay here any longer. I need a distraction. Please don't worry about me. I hope you understand: I need a purpose, a goal. If I stay here I will only infect who is with me with my own grief; I can't do that to you. Please let me go.
Carlisle read it again and again, waiting for the message to finally sink in. Edward's usually flowing and precise handwriting was muddled and unsteady. Esme wrapped her arms around her husband and buried her face into his chest.
Even thought Carlisle was sure Edward was far away by now, he still made his thoughts manifest: Be safe, Edward.