Disclaimer: I do not own any recognizable characters here within.
Warnings: Scandalous, salacious attempts at humor. Not much else.
"Today, I shagged my boyfriend for the first time. Wanting to impress me, he attempted to cast engorgio on his 'wand'. He missed and ended up making his knuts at least double galleon sized. FML."
Draco sniggered at the misfortune of another poster. It was probably a mudblood. Any wizard with a proper upbringing would know not to make the elementary mistake of casting engorgio on one's self, especially - Draco involuntarily flinched - one's wand.
Another new disaster waiting to be laughed at began etching itself out in blue ink on the page, pushing all other scrawled paragraphs down the page. Draco closed the book with a sigh and checked the clock. How ninety minutes had slipped through his fingers so easily, he didn't understand. It certainly wasn't an odd occurrence anymore. He had become addicted to titillating stories of bizarre misfortune that befell these strangers. The anonymity of it made it all the better. That poor unsatisfied witch could have been just as easily his neighbor as an Icelander living in an igloo - or whatever they call themselves.
Without a second thought, Draco opened the book again and started reading.
"Today, my mom decided the best way to stop me from wanking while home for break was to enchant my bed to react every time I start indulging myself and exclaim loudly such things as "Merlin, make it stop," "Watch where you're pointing that thing, I don't want any to get on me," and many more gems. The sad part? I've realized my bed's voice turns me on. FML."
A dramatic, mock yawn was needed. An odd and embarrassing event to be sure, but Draco felt no remorse as he drew out a quill and circled the words "You totally deserved it."
He continued.
"Today, Slytherin house, third year, Professor Snape's "dragons and unicorns" speech. Need I say more? FML."
A full body shudder wracked through Draco's body. He didn't even bother circling the option of sympathy. Nothing could help recover the innocence lost after experiencing that lecture, if it could even be called that. As brilliant of a potions teacher as Snape was, he seemed to leave every third year Slytherin more confused than they were before his mandatory talk.
Draco felt a duty to provide what he could in the way of sympathy for a fellow Slytherin. He tapped his quill on the small paragraph. The book automatically flipped a page. The same story filled in at the top, along with several comments running under it. In a blank box, Draco wrote:
"You have my apologies. We all had to experience Snape's horrible way with words when coming to the delicate intimacies between witches and wizards. Its one of the things that made us stronger and the superior house."
Draco stopped and reread what he wrote. Scoffing at himself, he began to cross out every line. He was definitely getting soft. He needed to go kill a muggle or something - get the old Slytherin spirit back. Quickly, he scrawled out a comment that would actually make this poor Slytherin feel better.
"At least you weren't a bloody Gryffindor. Legendary stupidity aside, they're probably up in their common room wondering why that old bat, McGonagall, decided to enlist the use of a house elf and large cucumber in her lecture.
Satisfied with his comment, Draco added it to the list and shut the book once again. This time, only ten minutes had slid by without his notice. Surely, if he had devoted all this time wasted on this bloody book to other pursuits, he could have cured werewolves by now. Yet, it was a proven fact that saving thousands of lives was nowhere as much fun as witnessing the misery of thousands of others.
These odd and horrendous stories were truly the highlight of his day, probably only beaten out by sex. He had to wonder how people got themselves into such situations. Sifting through his own memories, Draco couldn't think of a single time he had had a truly "FML" worthy moment.
Slowly his hands worked the book open, taking advantage of his wandering mind, for he would never willingly let himself fall back into it after having already wasted over a hundred minutes of his precious time today. His eyes ran over the latest "Today," scrawled at the top of the page. An odd shimmer from the corner of his eye caught Draco's attention - a green shimmer.
Draco quickly slammed the book shut and coldly greeted his intruder. "Potter." Standing against the door, with his arms folded, and a damnable smirk on his face stood Harry Potter, the Boy Who Could Go Fuck Himself. Not that he particularly felt much animosity towards him anymore, their rivalry from school long passed, but Potter still had a direct line to his pissed off bone. This situation was especially aggravating.
"Enjoying my book, Malfoy?" Harry drawled, mocking Draco. Smug? That bastard had the audacity to be smug? What happened to the soft-spoken boy who was no greater than anyone else? Draco preferred that one much more. He was easier to deal with.
"I figured I'd give it a quick glance and be one of the few people to actually crack the thing open besides the sad excuses of life that write this drivel." Draco snatched up the book as he stood and studiously ignored the rolling green eyes, piercing so easily through his irritated façade - damn him. Though he was slimmer, Draco didn't hesitate to shoulder Harry out of the way as he stomped out of the room.
Doing his best to shut out the rich, ringing laughter, Draco stomped down the hallway and slammed a door shut to put a physical barrier between him and Potter. He was sure it was not lost on Harry that he had taken the book with him. Not that he planned on reading any more – it had just happened to be in his hands as he made up to leave, which he had had to do rather quickly.
Still holding the book, Draco sat down on his bed and folded his legs under him. Yes, it was all Harry's fault. With a conversation that collectively lasted longer than about a minute, he had managed to ruin Draco's entire mood. Damn him - that sentiment bared repeating. Sometimes, he calmed himself by chanting it.
The book rested on his knees innocently. Draco flipped it open angrily, nothing like a bit of schadenfreude to alleviate his frustration. Of course he loved the book, who wouldn't? A massive network of magically linked books where people could anonymously share their horrid stories and others could read and laugh at their expense; it was the kind of idea that made one think: what a brilliant idea, why didn't I think of it first? Not that he would ever admit the sheer brilliance of such an invention to the creator. Harry's head was already inflated enough, being touted as the greatest new inventor of the twenty-first century. This being just one of the many insanely popular inventions he had spent his time creating. Spending his time creating and selling items to supply himself a nice life instead of continuing to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders as Head Auror – what a wonderfully Slytherin thing of him to do. Draco would even admit it, he was proud. And that was one of the things that caught his eye.
Gray eyes slid down along the book.
"Today-"
A smirk slid into place over Draco's face, his Slytherin mind jumping at the opportunity to get some use. Just like that, his mood was turned around entirely. He ignored the post he had been about to read and tapped his quill at the top of the page, which causes all other posts to scoot down to make room for his new contribution. He started out "Today," although it had happened months ago. It must have been a rule or something if every sad witch and wizard out there used the same format. They continued to crawl down, the very bottom disappearing, as he finished up his very own sad memory.
"Today, after my prompting to spice things up in bed, my boyfriend decided to incorporate Polyjuice potion into our sex life. His idea was to be a teacher and to take advantage of me during detention. Sounds hot, right? I thought so, too. That is until I saw the teacher administering detention. Standing there in a ridiculously undersized witches outfit, greasy hair and all, was one Severus Snape. FML."
A self-satisfied smile overtook the smirk as Draco shut the book. What was the fun of unpredictable life if he didn't have a few FML moments of his own to share with the world? If his understanding was correct, it'd only take fifteen or twenty seconds before he got his satisfaction of a job well done. A voice yelled from the living room sooner than he thought.
"Draco!"
Ah, life is good. No need to fuck it.