.

Everchanging

~life is constant flux~

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6 days ago

Tonks bubblegum pink hair matted to her face with tears. She could not believe her ears. She didn't want to believe that Remus was doing this again. After months of waiting for him to come around, they'd finally got to the point of dating and now he started to pull back away again. Just as they were in her bedroom and she'd managed to take his shirt off, he decided to break it off.

"I'm too old, too poor and too dangerous for you Tonks, you need to find someone your own age..." he kept saying.

What part of 'I love you' didn't the bastard understand? As if she had any choice to feel this way about him.

Already he was putting his shirt back on, refusing to look at her or the bed where she'd been hoping he'd stay the night.

"No you're not going to do this to me again..." she pulled at her hair, "You're staying! You're fucking staying!"

She tried to grab the shirt of his hands to keep him from leaving. When that didn't work, she tried to wrap her arms around his neck, to make him look at her, to grab her, touch her. But he was having none of that.

He batted her away like an overattentive puppy he wanted to have nothing to do with. He refused to touch her.

"No Tonks. I can't stay. Merlin do you know what would happen to you if I lost control just once?" Remus said sharply as he disentangled himself from her hands.

"I don't care! You're bloody fucking condition is just an excuse!"

Remus was staring at her as if she were crazy, his amber eyes wide with confusion. "Don't speak about things you don't understand Tonks. You have no idea what it's like being a werewolf," he shouted with new anger.

"Just let me! How can I understand if you don't let me in?!" she shrieked and followed him out to the hall. He tried to open the door to let himself out but she grabbed at his arm.

Remus finally lost his temper. "I shouldn't let it get this far! This was all a mistake Tonks, can't you see that?" he shouted and grabbed his arm back. "This is all a mistake."

"Don't," Don't you know how much I need you?, "D-don't you," she choked on her words unable to get them out.

Tonks tried to steady her breathing and not break into a choking whimper though nothing hurt her more than what Remus was doing to her right now. His cold detachment was like a splinter to her heart. Growing up she'd been called a freak and every other name for being a metamorphmagus. But nothing hurt more than finally telling Remus she loved him only to have him reject her and leave.

She tried to reach out to but he moved away again.

"Don't..." she pleaded through her tears.

If you go it will break me.

"I'm sorry. I have to," Remus said quietly as he rushed out of her apartment, not turning back.

No. No. No. No. No. She felt her insides tearing up.

Later she threw up and lay down on her bathroom floor.

Then she threw up again. It felt like pure grief was pouring hot and heavy out of her body. Heaving with the same rejection that Remus had thrown at her.

3 days ago

"Tonks why aren't you eating?"

It was Sirius who noticed that she wasn't right in the days after. While Remus kept his distance, probably in the belief that a cleaner cut healed faster, she saw Sirius everyday as she headed in and out of Grimmauld Place for the Order of the Phoenix. Dumbledore always kept the auror busy and work was the only thing that kept her from crumbling apart completely.

"Tonks did you hear me?"

She said nothing again.

"Nymphadora?" Sirius finally said.

This time she looked up at him.

He was smirking.

God why had she never realized how handsome he was until now?

99 days ago

It was the first time she stepped into Grimmauld Place, shortly after joining the Order of the Phoenix. McGonagall was in a quick hurry to show her around. The headquarters of the Order was a surprisingly derelict and dusty old manor, not at all what she'd been expecting when she joined the secret organization.

As they came back downstairs, passing by the shrunken house-elf heads on the wall, a man stood there.

McGonagall cleared her throat, "Nymphadora Tonks I would like to meet-"

"Sirius Black," Tonks said instantly before McGonagall could finish.

Tonks looked hesitantly at the man whose face she knew well from wanted posters and newspaper stories that told of his grisly crimes. Suddenly she smiled. "You know it was funny growing up knowing I was related to you. Most people would've been ashamed to be have a mass-murderer in the family, but I thought it was kind of cool. The other kids knew not to mess with me when I mentioned you."

Sirius seemed taken aback but returned her smile. "Good to know being related to me was helpful for one thing," he extended his hand to shake hers, "I'm sorry we couldn't meet til now. What did you tell the kids about me?"

"That you were my mass murdering uncle," Tonks said coyly.

"Umm Nymphadora you know he's innocent.." McGonagall corrected her.

"I know," Tonks shrugged, thinking me and my big mouth, "I'm sorry, I was a stupid kid."

"No, it's fine," he smiled, "Though I don't believe I'm actually your uncle. Your mother Andromeda is my cousin."

"Which makes you second cousins," McGonagall said.

"Right," Tonks said, trying to find a family resemblance but finding none.

Sirius' grey eyes stared intently into her own as he felt himself scrutinized.

Suddenly another man stepped up behind Sirius. Whereas Sirius had long and dark hair, this man had short light brown almost blonde hair. He seemed about Sirius' age and carried himself with an almost formal reserve.

McGonagall smiled pleasantly at this man, as if the sight of him pleased her much more than did Sirius. "Oh Remus there you are. I want to meet our newest member, she's an auror at the ministry. She came on Kingsley's recommendation. Nymphadora Tonks."

Tonks internally gritted at being called repeatedly by her first name but decided not to press the issue to people she just met. Once she got to know them a bit, she'd bring up her name preference.

"Pleased to meet you." The man called Remus extended his hand to shake hers.

Tonks looked up at the tall man and met his eyes for the first time.

She felt something like a kick inside her.

"Tonks," she said automatically, "I prefer to be called Tonks." And then mentally pinched herself for making those the first words she said to Remus Lupin.

98 days ago

"Sorry why do you keep calling each other "Mooney" and pad-something, is that supposed to be code for something?" Tonks asked nervously, twirling a strand of her now violet hair around her finger. She had only been part of the Order for a few days and wondered if she was missing out on something.

"Mooney and padsomething?" Sirius barked with laughter.

Remus also grinned as if it were an inside joke. "It's Mooney and Padfoot," he said to her, "I'm sorry, we should've explained. They were our nicknames when he were at Hogwarts."

Tonks raised her brows, "You went to school together?"

"We were mates."

"Best mates."

"Really?" Tonks raised her eyebrows again.

"Mooney and I go back a long way," Sirius said languidly and crossed his fingers, "We used to be legends at Hogwarts for our pranks, marauders. Though you wouldn't believe it to see him now." He nodded his head suggestively in Remus' direction and Remus rolled his eyes.

87 days ago

Tonks kept nervously fiddling with her hair and tapping her wand, like a drum stick against her palm, as she patrolled the grounds of Hogwarts with Remus. It was a starry night and they had seen no suspicious activities except for a few seventh years who snuck out of the castle to make out by the willow tree.

Tonks grinned cheekily as she pointed out the couple to Remus, "What d'you think, Remus, should we prank them?"

Remus looked in embarrassment at the teenage couple who had gone past second base and were close to shagging on the willow tree.

Remus sighed tiredly and scratched at his neck. "I don't think so Tonks. We're here to protect Harry Potter and make sure no death eaters come about these parts. Not bug seventh years."

Her smile faded hearing him speak so severely. He sounded almost disappointed in her, like he was a professor and she was a misbehaving student. Maybe Sirius was right about him. But she tried again. To get him to smile.

"Oh c'mon Remus! Look at them, they're practically shagging on the Hogwarts grounds, they must be breaking at least ten different rules!"

Remus smiled sheepishly. "Yes, well it's really no business of ours. If they get out of line... their professors can reprimand them for it."

"Well, I was hoping we could reprimand them...for a laugh."

She morphed into Professor Snape and mimicked his voice saying, "No sex on Hogwarts grounds!"

Remus finally burst out laughing, and her shoulders began to shake as she laughed with him. The sound of her own throaty husky laughter mixed with Remus' laughter under the quiet starry night.

86 days ago

"Does Remus seem a bit off to you?" she asked Molly one day.

He seemed so tired, and worn, when she'd seen him today.

Molly gave her a sad smile. "Don't you know?"

Tonks felt a painful lurch in her stomach. "Know what?"

Molly's lips pressed together into a tight line, emphasizing the fine network of wrinkles around them. "Remus is a werewolf." The older woman shook her head, "Has been most of his life, bitten when he was about eight."

"Oh god."

Tonks covered her mouth.

85 days ago

She confronted him on it. He was as evasive as always.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know. Maybe because it's not the first thing I like to say when I meet people, 'Hi I'm Remus, I'm a werewolf, you need to be careful around me or I might maim you.'"

"I wouldn't have judged you like that! Did you really think that I'd judge you?"

"I don't know Tonks, I'm sorry." he pressed his hands to his temple, "Merlin I'd actually assumed you already knew with the way people talk."

"What people?" she snapped, "Everyone in the Order cares about you! Do you really think they're going to be talking behind your back?"

"I don't know," he repeated.

Why did he keep saying that?

She stared at his amber eyes wanting to understand. She wanted to understand so badly.

Oh fuck.

92 days ago

They were strolling through Diagon Alley, on a clear busy day.

"So what are your future plans, Auror Tonks?"

For some reason she felt nervous talking to him. She'd only just met Remus Lupin a few days ago and this was the first time they were alone together.

She bit her lip and squinted up at the sky. "I don't know," she said caustically, her voice coming out a bit deeper than she intended, "I reckon I'd like to kick Voldemort's arse!"

Remus smiled politely, "I think we'd all like that Tonks. But what of your personal dreams and plans?"

He sounded so old-fashioned when he said that. She eyed his tweed jacket mischievously. Everything about Remus J. Lupin was so formal and correct. She wished she could mess him up a bit.

She smirked to herself. "I never plan things, Remus. Never."

It was a lie. She had plenty of plans and elaborate dreams but she felt like exaggerating her bohemian personality for him.

Somehow she knew the more bohemian and carefree she came across, the more Remus Lupin would like her.

And she was right.

He looked away for her for a moment, but there was an unmistakably happy look on his face.

They were opposites. They both loved that.

Her with her pink hair and combat boots. Him with his tweed jacket and almost professor-like formality.

She loved the appreciative glances he gave her whenever she acted crazier and more careless.

It spurred her on.

She began to crave it.

56 days ago

"Nymph. My crazy fucking Nymph," he groaned as she cornered him against a desk and kissed him while straddling him.

She always had to take the initiative with him. Remus would never have made a move on her if she didn't. But he was so responsive when he didn't hold back. No matter what he said she knew he must be craving her as much as she craved him.

His crazy nymph.

That was exactly what she wanted to be. She wanted nothing more in the world lately. Than to be Remus Lupin's crazy young woman. The woman who raked her nails down his back and got under his skin.

Remus could be so frustrating sometimes. At other times he was completely adorable and she could imagine the young maurauder he had once been.

If only he would let her take it further.

72 days ago

It had become her running joke to turn into Severus Snape whenever possible. Sometimes when Snape was still in the room. She did it whenever she wanted to make Remus laugh. Lately she noticed he looked more troubled, so she wanted to make him laugh more than ever.

"Please don't transform into Snape again," Remus murmured as Snape stomped moodily off and she unmorphed her face.

"Why?" Her dark eyes were wide with hope as she looked up at him.

He pinched her nose, which had returned to its normal size.

"It's a bit disturbing."

She stuck out her tongue at him. Making sure her tongue was a shocking blue.

"You'll go too far one day," Remus said.

"I want to take it too far." She winked at him.

His eyes darkened and he outstretched a hand to push back a piece of her bubblegum pink hair from her eyes.

"No I mean it, Tonks, you'll take it too far one day."

3 days ago

"Tonks why aren't you eating?"

"Tonks did you hear me?"

She said nothing again.

"Nymphadora?" Sirius finally said.

This time she looked up at him.

He was smirking.

God why had she never realized how handsome he was until now?

1 day ago

She told everything to Sirius while they sat by the fireplace in the parlour. Everything but Remus. She omitted that detail. The detail that said she was in love with his best friend.

Luckily Sirius didn't press for details and one way or another, he ended up believing that the man she was mourning after was a young man at the ministry, one of the aurors. It made sense that she, an auror, would fall for a fellow auror. She wondered how Sirius would really feel if he knew that it was Remus she was crying over.

Hmm. Sirius didn't really seem to care about anything except her own well-being.

"Whoever he is, he's a fool," Sirius said gruffly, taking her own hand in his own.

For some reason she felt a chill feeling his larger rougher hands against her own smaller hands.

"Sirius?"

"Yes?"

It was such a personal question but she couldn't help but ask. Crying out her own story had made her lose hesitation. She felt connected to Sirius.

"Didn't you get lonely all that time in Azkaban?"

She wondered how he could take the dementors for a decade if just a week of heartbreak was killing her.

Sirius inhaled deeply, as if there were no real way to describe what he went through. He said lightly, "I'm not sure I can say Tonks, I spent most of that time as a dog...I suppose the only ones that would understand me are the dogs locked up in muggle shelters. They also wait to die for a crime they never committed."

The image was so sad and haunting that she couldn't bear it anymore.

"Sirius-"

She felt lost as she stared at Sirius' tragic eyes. They were a mirror of her own. A mirror of her own pain and confusion.

They were so alike.

"Sirius," she stretched out her hand for the first time to touch her relative's face. Sirius' skin was unexpectedly smooth for a man. Getting carried away, she trailed her thumb to trace to his lips. "Sirius..." her voice trailed off as she felt the skin around his chin.

Sirius grabbed her hand off his face.

"What are you doing Tonks?"

But she felt there was no going back.

She leaned over to give him a kiss. First chastely on the cheek, then on his lips. Tasting him. Tasting someone of her own blood.

She was surprised when she felt a chill run through her whole body.

He must have felt it too.

She stumbled backwards, knocking over a lamp, as Sirius pressed her against the wall and pinned her arms above her head.

His mother's portrait began to scream in the background. It didn't help that they were second cousins once removed. But she never felt truer words were spoken as Walburga Black's portrait screeched that she was a disgrace.

She knew she was a disgrace.

She was supposed to be in love with Remus.

22 hours ago

"Sirius when is the last time you were with a woman?"

He silenced her with a kiss that told her he knew exactly what he was doing. Before pulling her down with him onto the couch.

Though he had said he had been a dog so long that he forgot what it meant, Sirius was all man as he responded to her. More man than Remus had ever been. Despite her own clumsiness, he maneuvered them gracefully on the narrow couch so that she was straddling him. There was nothing inexperienced or rusty about Sirius.

His hands were attentive and expert.

A shiver of shook through her core as she felt his hand slide under her skirt and trace playfully along the lacy fabric underneath. Teasing her.

She grabbed him forcefully by the neck to bring his lips to hers again and tangled her fingers in his long wavy hair. He made a gruff sound as she ran her tongue along his lips before darting it into his mouth. She loved the taste of him and had to stop herself from shaking too much as she felt him against her.

She inhaled sharply as Sirius' hands roamed roughly but expertly underneath her clothes and brushed teasingly over her sensitive spots.

His long wavy hair hovered over her face as he pressed himself between her legs.

Every part of her had surrendered and responded to his touch.

But suddenly there were tears in her eyes.

21 hours and 50 minutes ago

Sirius sat back up on the sofa, trying to cover his lap, and the effect of the last ten minutes on him, with his hands.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes," she bit her lip and wiped furiously at her tears, so upset at herself for getting emotional, "Yes, I know what I want. I just want to forget about him."

"Maybe this isn't the right way to go about that," Sirius said quietly, a trace of irritability in his voice.

"Don't tell me what to do," she snapped, "I know what I want."

Truthfully she was so afraid of Sirius acting the same way as Remus and deciding she was too young and inappropiate him.

Sirius was a gentlemen but she didn't think she could take it if Sirius too tried to back out of it. Her self-esteem would plummet.

She quickly undressed herself and let the effect of her naked body have its effects on Sirius. She felt some of her power return as his grey eyes drank in her body with raw hunger.

"I don't want you to be a gentleman with me, Sirius. I just want you to fuck me."

If it were Remus, he would've ran out with his tail between his legs.

But Sirius had none of Remus' self reservation.

He complied to her request.

Greedily.

It was exactly what she needed.

21 hours and 32 minutes ago

But there were still tears in her eyes for Remus as Sirius entered her.

Sirius. Sirius Black. Not Remus.

Never Remus.

She didn't know whether it hurt or healed her with each painful stroke that it was Sirius, not Remus, inside her.

Remus had never gone so far with her. He had refused.

Why should she even care? Why did she still have to think of him?

Though she should have had no room for emptiness as Sirius filled her to the breaking point and forced her to scream out his name. His name.

Sirius. Sirius. Sirius.

Not Remus.

As if reading her mind, Sirius demanded growled something in her ear.

Sirius made few demands but he absolutely refused to release her until she came to his name. Sirius.

Not Remus.

"Sirius. Sirius," she gasped as he stroked her mercilessly, feeling herself come apart at the seams as his hand gripped even tighter on her hips, "S-sirius!"

Not Remus.

Her whole body shook as she came and she felt Sirius' seed burst into her.

Not Remus.

Oh merlin what had she done?

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A/N: to be continued...the aftermath that is if anyone is still interested! thanks