RESPONSIBLE

BY

AllyinthekeyofX

Summary – This picks up from where Mulder is hospitalised following the events of the second movie (I want to believe) and Scully's reactions when Skinner comes to her with some startling news. I'm not yet sure how long it will be but will take us up to 'My Struggle II' It will alternate between Scully's POV and Mulders POV

Disclaimer – Legally they don't belong to me and as such I make no money out of them. Morally they belong to all of us. We deserve it after all these years ;)

ONE

I watch as the EMT's load Mulder on to the stretcher. He is wrapped loosely in a foil blanket, the kind they throw around marathon runner's shoulders as they cross the finish line on the verge of collapse, a way to conserve body heat, to stop the system from falling in to shock after the rigours it has been put through. I've never understood why anyone would want to push themselves beyond the physical limits the body is designed for, to keep running until limbs are loose, feelings numb as the adrenaline peaks and barriers are broken.

But tonight, that's what Mulder did. Only his version of running was to battle the elements in his singular quest to find the truth, almost killing himself in the process of gaining affirmation for God knows what – his sense of worth perhaps, a final acknowledgement that despite the years that have passed, that he can make a difference, that he still has a place in a world that for almost a decade has pretty much denied his very existence.

I am lucky – if that word can ever be used to refer to either of us – at least in the sense that I have managed to carve out a semblance of a life for myself and while my career in medicine hasn't exactly covered me in glory, it has garnered within me a self respect that is just adequate to keep my demons at bay, to keep me from just closing my eyes and letting the past overwhelm me. I have a purpose; no longer merely a half of a team that spent long years chasing shadows that were as elusive as they were suffocating, shadows that stole our souls and destroyed us in increments as the darkness spiralled downwards and we spiralled right along with it and for a very long time it lived within me, clouding my every waking moment with regrets and self recrimination of choices made so long ago that set my feet on a path that seemingly had no end; a path that almost took him from me.

I remember that night in my apartment as though it were yesterday and occasionally, when the darkness surrounds me in the stillness of the night I hear the voice of John Doggett inside my head, those four words that shattered me in ways I thought were inconceivable each one delivered like a dagger to my heart and everything, everything I had gone through in the previous years had simply fallen away in to insignificance.

Death

By

Lethal

Injection

Four words that rendered me incapable of speech, of rational thought as the blood seemed to turn to ice in my veins, as my heart almost broke free from me along with any semblance of sanity I had fought so hard to hold on to during the previous terrible months. Knowing that he was to be taken from me and that this time there was to be no miraculous return from the dead; that he would just be gone from my life as though he had never existed at all, without ever giving me a chance to really love him, to be with him, to make amends for my decision to give away our precious son. So much loss, so much pain that I literally just started to sob in to my hands, unable to breathe, unable to think, unable to see past those words that stole every shred of hope away from me. Because we had failed; in every conceivable way we had failed and right then, our failure was finally coming home to roost, that they were going to kill him. Finally, irrevocably he would be taken from me.

I don't remember much after that. John told me later that I had started to scream; that my cries had escalated with such intensity that eventually I had collapsed in a boneless unresponsive heap on the polished hardwood floor; that the shock and the grief had been so intense that I had simply shut down; was unreachable in any palpable way as my mind refused to adequately process the horror of those four words; a way of protecting myself from completely unravelling right there on my apartment floor.

I woke up almost 24 hours later to feel a hand gently squeezing mine and for a single breathtaking moment I had allowed myself to imagine he was right there with me, while knowing even then that it couldn't be so. But I had forced my eyes open nevertheless, my breathing gone harsh and ragged as I fought against the sedative that I discovered later, the hospital had administered in an attempt to allow my mind to rest; to repair itself before lasting damage was done; not knowing of course that the damage had begun a long time ago; by a sequence of events that had been meticulously planned and executed from the start. To destroy Mulder. To destroy me.

But as I finally locked eyes with my boss, a man who had risked everything in the past to stay allied to us, I had a moment of clarity so blinding it literally took my breath away. Because right there, right then, I knew that he wasn't going to allow this to happen. That he would take a final gamble to save Mulder, to save us all. And he had leaned forwards, still holding on to my hand as he brought the other to my face where he rested it gently on my cheek, an action so reminiscent of Mulder that it took my breath away, brought his face close to mine to deliver his message; his words whispered softly in my ear that somehow allowed me to come back; that suddenly there was just the tiniest spark of light in the darkness.

We're going to get him.

And against all the odds, he had prevailed. He had delivered Mulder back to me and we had survived. Together, somehow, we had survived and despite how enormous the stakes had become, we had somehow managed to carve out a life for ourselves. By anyone's standards it could never be described as a normal life, but it was life nonetheless and we would take it – we had taken it. And in as much as we were able to lay our demons to rest, we were happy and we settled for what we could get because it was after all, so much more than we had ever dared hope it would be.

We were alive; we were together; we were slowly repairing the damage those long hard years had wrought upon us and truly, I had started to allow myself to hope that things would be okay. That the worst was behind us.

Until that terrifying day when the FBI came calling, stopping me in the corridor and rendering me almost speechless with fear as John's words came crashing back to me from so long ago. As I vainly tried to appear normal, stuffing my hands in to the pockets of my lab coat lest the sudden trembling give away my lies. Because I was so sure that they had finally come to take him away from me I was already planning our escape; prepared as I was to simply go get Mulder and start running again, that whatever it took I would try to keep us safe.

And I think that's what prompted me to do what I did. That as the realisation set in that they were seeking out Mulder for wholly different reasons, finally, this was a way to end this for both of us; to allow us to stop running.

So I had heaped the pressure on him to acquiesce to their request. To make the deal they offered that with minimal effort on our part would put an end to all the darkness and the fear and the daily unease that perhaps this would be the day that they would come for him.

But as I watch the harsh light of the ambulance interior swallowing him up, his inert form broken and bleeding once again, I am starkly reminded of how stupid I have been. That somewhere along the way I had forgotten the man Mulder is. The intensity that burned as brightly within him as it ever did, intensity tempered through years of inactivity but never extinguished. Just waiting for a spark to ignite it once again, sending him spiralling back in to the darkness I stupidly imagined no longer had a hold on him and the tears start to gather, my throat closing as I realise that this is my fault; that I am responsible for all of it.

Continued chapter two