SPOILED
Seimei had made it an order. Never to be questioned and never, ever to be disobeyed.
The memory seems surreal now. The way fury drained all light from eyes that were dark by nature – in more ways than one - flecks of saliva flying off flashing teeth, bared to their fullest in animalistic rage as he shouted. I made no move to resist or defend myself as Seimei lunged for me, driving his fist deep into my stomach.
That was the only time Seimei beat me using just his fists. On abnormally humid days, the bridge of my nose still hurts beneath my glasses where it was broken.
It was a night of many firsts and onlys. It was the closest he ever came to killing me. It was the only order he ever reversed, in a way. And it was the only time I said that to him.
It might not have been so bad if I hadn't repeated the words, kept repeating them, but I couldn't stop, whimpering it again and again until I was silenced by a punch to my jaw. The world dimmed for a moment as my head cracked into the floor, almost making me miss the bellowed order to shut up. A trail of warmth started down my chin as I pressed my lips tightly together, and I realised my upper lip was gashed. The acrid tang of blood greeted me as I moved my tongue. Two of my teeth felt loose.
Seimei was shouting, I could just make out his voice through the worryingly loud ringing in my ears, but I recall nothing after his first words, his voice raw and high, nearly hysterical.
'How dare you taint those words!'
He began to beat me in earnest. I let him do as he pleased, never doubting it was what I deserved, remaining motionless despite the growing number of contusions and fractures.
That changed, however, when Seimei pulled back. He flung himself towards the opposite wall, knuckles bruised and stained with his blood and mine, panting heavily. His usually fair features were contorted into a mask of rage, the sheer intensity of his anger making his angular visage seem cutting. I still shudder when remembering the voice with which he gave that devastating order. Barely restrained through clenched jaws, it was the rumble of a wrathful god of punishment through the voice of a fifteen year old teenager.
'You will never say that again.'
I knew what was expected of me. I could taste the words through the blood in my mouth, but, once again for the first and only time, I could not form the phrase of acquiescence that had been instilled in me. I clearly recall giving a wail of horror, managing to claw my way across the floor until I was on my knees at Seimei's feet, pleading, beseeching, begging for him to revoke his command.
He kicked me, hard, temporarily winding me, but I crawled back, gasping his name in blind desperation. I went as far as to fist my hands in the fabric of his trousers, pressing my bruised face to his knees, and staining him further with blood and sweat and me as I babbled garbled pleas.
'No, please, no! Please, Seimei-! Don't order me to-! I...' There was nothing I could promise, I had already pledged myself to him. There was nothing I could offer, he already owned me.
Tiny lights whizzed through a split second of darkness as Seimei's knee connected with my left eye, and I was sent sprawling. The side of Seimei's shoe was wedged beneath my chin as he stepped on my throat, and I froze as I was forced to stare up at his face, which was suddenly blank and perfectly impassive. Terror seized me and I knew it was hopeless, even while I ceaselessly begged in my mind.
'I order you, Soubi.'
I remember that, later, as I lay on the floor, quaking body unresponsive due to shock, I was obscenely grateful that Seimei hadn't punished me for the tears that leaked into my hair as I replied with a strained gasp: 'Understood...'
Things are different with Ritsuka.
He ignores me, accuses me of being a liar, or tells me to shut up, but he never orders me to stop saying it, and he has certainly never beaten me for it. That knowledge, that freedom, is intoxicating. I know I might be a bit excessive at times, but I can't help feeling I should say it while I'm still permitted the chance, the only words I occasionally blurt out without really thinking.
'Ritsuka,' I have to call his name a second time before I get his attention, 'Ritsuka.'
'Hmm?' He looks up, distracted, one ear canted.
Smiling through the heady feeling I always experience at the thought of all the things Ritsuka will allow, I say:
'I love you.'
A/N: Thank you very much for reading!