Disclaimer: I do not own Discworld, but I can't save money, because I own two of the books, and I keep buying them. This is my first fanfic for the Disc and I've only read Thief of Time, Maskerade, The Light Fantastic, Sourcery, Maurice and his Amazing rodents (or something), Eric, and Men at Arms.

***

"Er." The Bursar's head popped in to the Library and looked at Rincewind pointedly.

"Yes?" Rincewind looked up from the desk he was sitting at next to the Librarian, reading a book.

"You have some visitors." The Bursar looked uncomfortable, which isn't saying much, but he was more uncomfortable than usual.

"Yes?" Rincewind raised an eyebrow, not sure if he actually wanted to meet these visitors. This is what you do ordinarily with visitors: you meet them, greet them, and, if you can, feed them. Rincewind was just thinking how not to meet them, let alone greet or feed them.

"Should I send them, er, in?"

"Yes."

In they came.

Rincewind stared for a minute, and shook his head hastily, and looked again.

There stood a girl.

Or, more precisely, a young lady, who looked old enough to be Rincewind's consort (if he wanted one) but young enough to have a mischievous childish grin on her face that means trouble. She had long, curly black locks, which surrounded her dark, tanned features. She wore a dark brown explorer jacket over a white men's shirt, and a short, minute white pleated skirt, and, for some reason, blue summer sunglasses. She had long lanky legs, and on her feet were black boots that looked very out of place. Altogether, she looked out of place.

From behind her came Cohen the Barbarian. Rincewind blinked, stood up, and went up to him.

"Hallo, Cohen." Rincewind put out a hand, not sure how to react. "How are you?"

Cohen flashed him a diamond smile. "Fine. Have you met anyone for you yet?

"Well, no. It's not like I need…" Rincewind trailed off and stared at the woman behind Cohen. She had long, wavy, chestnut hair, and was beautiful.

"Is that-is that—"

"Yep. My wife, Fara." Cohen grinned, and put his hands roughly on the young woman Rincewind had seen before's shoulders. "And this," said Cohen, happily, "Is my daughter, Ella."

Ella stared at Rincewind with great, big, green* eyes. She gave him a Look, and stared at his hat for a moment, before saying,

"Nice hat."

*Green, but not as in emeralds. Or of green pickled toads, either. If you were to fly over the Amazon and looked out at the green rain forest below, it would look like that. Without the leaves.

"Thanks." Rincewind's hands went up consciously to his hat. It was a grubby hat; with the letters WIZZARD spelled out by someone whose needlework was worse than their spelling. The point was hardly a point anymore; the star at the end had lost all its sequins.

Ella raised an eyebrow, something Rincewind was usually very good at. She took a breath, and said, "I want to be an investigative reporter. Will you take me to Ankh-Morpork and help me find a job as one and a place to stay?"

Rincewind stared at her.

"What?"

"I said, will you take me to Ankh-Mor—"

"No, I mean…you want to be an investigative reporter?"

Cohen smiled again. "Yes, she does. Ella's old enough to get her own job, and she's very good at being an investigative reporter. Well, since me an' Fara—" He grinned at the woman behind him "—are going on our honeymoon, we thought you could take her."

"What?"

"C'mon, Rincewind, it'll be quick. We have to go to Ephebie."

"But, um—" It was too late. Cohen smiled, said goodbye, and left with his latest wife.

"Um." Rincewind stared at the girl some more. She had a suitcase with her as well, and was looking at him in a very bored way.

"Oook?"

The Librarian came up to Ella, who smiled at him.

"An investigative reporter is someone who goes around the Disc to investigate things, like mysteries, and has adventures, then writes stories about them."

"Oook."

"Yeah, like an adventuress."

"Oook."

"Hey!" Rincewind glared at the Librarian, who grinned, showing many yellowed teeth.

"Is he? You're right, he does strike me as such." Ella went up to Rincewind, cocked her head, and nodded. "Yes, it's a bit obvious."

"I may be a coward, but it is an art."

"Oh…good for you. Must be a very hard art to learn."

"It is."

Ella shrugged, and looked around at the Library. "It's so beautiful. All the books…beautiful, really."

"I think so too."

Ella muttered, under her breath, "She would probably order for all of 'em to be burned, the hussy."

"Excuse me?"

"You know the woman my father was with? She's an absolute cow."

"Is she?"

"Yes. Well, I don't expect we can go now, can we? It's a bit late." Ella looked out the windows of the giant Library, which were absolutely dark.

"Yes, I'm going to bed."

"Where do I sleep?" Ella paused. "They don't have a women's section here, do they?"

"Well…the cooks and servants sleep there."

"Oh. Is there room for me…?"

"'S'pose s—Ow! What was that for?" Rincewind rubbed his arm, where the Librarian had pinched him.

"Oook."

"Where else can she sleep, anyhow?"

"Oook."

"In the Library? But—"

"Fine by me." Ella intercepted. "I'll stay here."

"Um. Okay. So, um, good night."

"Bonne nuit."

"Oook!"

*

"Where is she?"

"Oook."

"D-downstairs?! Why?!"

"Oook."

"She was hot? Well, it is pretty warm in here."

"Oook."

"You go get her!"

"Oook."

"So what if I'm her guide?"

"Oook."

"Fine." Rincewind slowly went down the stairs to the cellar, where the University kept the, um, erotic* books.

Ella looked at him from the position she was in. Which was, upside down, hanging from one of the Librarian's ropes that he'd hung up. She was reading How To Have a Kinky and Erotic Relationship by A. Non-virgin, and since she was upside down, she kept pulling on her skirt so that it would cover her panties. Rincewind kept his eyes away from her skirt and looked at her.

Ella flipped over and landed on the ground with her feet. She looked at the book again, and looked at Rincewind.

"Do you know where to buy leather in Ankh-Morpork?"

"I think you can buy it anywhere."

"I thought so." Ella and Rincewind went upstairs, and they went out into the Ankh-y Morpork-y-ness of Ankh-Morpork.

*Not kinky. At least, the wizards think. No one actually reads them. But erotic and kinky are two different things, though a wizard might not notice. There is a difference between using a whip and eating chocolate-covered strawberries.

"The little darling…" The owner of the deep, smooth voice that said that slid a hand gracefully over the globe.

"Is she the reincarnation of—?" A squeaky voice broke all the elegance of the moment.

"Of course."

"But, if she, she, she—"

"Spit it out, already!"

"If she and he…you know…if they…"

"Understood. Yes."

"Isn't that…bad, guv?"

"Why do you think I'm looking in the globe?"

"You're bored, guv?"

"No! I have to watch them so it doesn't happen!"

"Isn't that a bit immoral, guv?"

The owner of the deep voice sighed. "Isn't our whole plan immoral?"

"Yes…"

"So that makes it okay, then."

"Guv?"

"Yes?"

"But she's a woman…and you're a man…"

"Obviously."

"But, then, guv, doesn't that make it so that you're a peepin' tom? Guv?"

***

A/N: Well, I'll update soon. PLEASE review. This is hard. Very hard. Suggestions ALL WELCOME. Please email me some at callie_black@yahoo.com.

Sucks to be me. XP

By the way: If you're all "ew, are they pairing up? Isn't Rincewind old?" Well you know what? No, he's not THAT old. In Eric, he tells Eric that they are both too young to fight. And in Sourcery, he has a libido. And he falls in love with Conina. Seriously, people! Number 1, he can't have a libido if he's as old as depicted on the other covers. And he wouldn't fall in love with a girl so young. So, altogether, I've gathered he's around 17-18. Okay? If you want a picture, go here-- . This picture is © to Alice Wack, or Alicey. She does not own the characters depicted. (Alicey is my friend)

Okay? Got it? Good.