My Little Discord: Chaos Is Magic
"Chaos is a wonderful, wonderful thing." Discord laughed as he refilled a glass full of chocolate milk. He loved chocolate milk, even though it wasn't very chaotic. He started to take a sip when he heard a voice.
"Not as wonderful as friendship!" Twilight Sparkle exclaimed. She walked towards Discord, who was staring at them with an amused look in his eyes. Usually this would scare the ponies, but they had a mission. They didn't look scared. Not even Fluttershy looked scared. In fact, she was probably the scariest looking one of all. But Discord didn't let his fear show. A person gets a pretty good poker face after an thousand years or so of ruling.
"Why, hello ladies. You look different. Did you get a haircut?" He scanned the group.
"Nah, that can't be it," He decided. "Maybe you've all gained some weight." With a quick snap of his fingers, Discord turned the ground the ponies were standing on into a giant bathroom scale. He quickly checked, and shook his head. Suddenly, a broken light-bulb appeared over his head.
"I got it! You've got your colors back!" He slithered up to Twilight Sparkle, dropping his chocolate milk in the process. It stayed suspended in the air, as if resting on an invisible table.
Discord pinched Twilight's cheek, like an annoying relative who seems to think that pain and affection are the same things.
"I knew you'd figure it out eventually, Twilight," The playful tone dropped from his voice, quickly replaced with malice. The Draconequuis casually wrapped his arm around Twilight Sparkle. "You're a smart pony. You might even be smarter than your beloved Princess Celestia. Wait, I take that back. You are smarter than the Princess. You know it, and I know it, and even Celestia knows it. Why else would she keep you in Ponyville?"
Discord felt his arm vibrating, violently. He looked down, and saw that Twilight had gone back to grey. He smiled, and snapped his fingers. A cage instantly erected itself around the group and Discord, who went around and took the Elements of Harmony off of the pony's. The bars didn't seem to bother him, seeing as he just walked right through them.
Fluttershy feelings of badassness earlier had faded. She sat down, and started crying. Discord hated crying. His hand went and started stroking the shy pony's mane, making soothing noises. He walked over to Rainbow Dash, his arm stretching the length of the cage.
"Psst. Rainbow!" He whispered. The tomboy Pegasus looked up. "I have an offer to make you. Listen closely, now. You hate seeing Fluttershy cry as much as I do, don't you?"
"What makes me think I'm going to tell you anything?" Dash spat in Discord's face. It hit an invisible barrier, leaving a wet spot. Tiny windshield wipers quickly came down and cleaned it up.
"Fine, don't say anything. Just listen. I'm willing to let Fluttershy go free. And that's no lie. I see no useful purpose for her."
"Wadda I have to do?" Asked Dash, interested.
"Well, you'd just have to become my second-in-command. I could use a pony like you. You have girl-balls." Discord stuck his hand out. "Are you in? Or out?"
Rainbow was quiet for a few minutes. Discord was about to poke her, just to get a response, when he felt a hoof bump his hand.
"We have a deal."
"Good, good." He turned to the yellow pony. "Well, Fluttershy, it seems today's your lucky day! But, before you go, I need to do something first." Discord sent some magic into his hand, which was still stroking the pony's pink hair. Fluttershy soon lost her coloring, and became Flutterbitch once more. Discord snapped his fingers, and teleported Flutterbitch back home. He grabbed the bars, and pried them apart to make a hole big enough for Rainbow Dash to fit through.
"If you try to leave, I'll kill your friends." Discord said, grinning. "Anyway, let's get down to business."
"Business?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Of course, you silly pony. We need to have a good plan if we're going to take down Canterlot."
-
"Pssst! Applejack! Are you awake?" Pinkie Pie whispered to the blonde farm-pony who was sitting in the corner of the cage, looking through the bars. Well, at least she thought she whispered. I mean, this is Pinkie Pie that we're talking about. Applejack turned to face Pinkie. Tears ran down her face.
"What the hay, Pinkie? Are you trying to get us in trouble? Keep it down!" Applejack sighed out of frustration.
"I just wanted to see if you were awake." The party pony pleaded, pathetically.
"I didn't even go to sleep! Now shush! I'm trying to spy on Discord!"
"Oooh! Can I spy too? I could be a great spy! I can blend in with the shadows!" To prove her point, she crouched as low as she could on the ground. "See! Try and find me!" She giggled.
Applejack face-hoofed as Discord turned around.
"Durn-it, Pinkie!" She whispered. "Now our efforts are in vain!"
It didn't really matter, though. Discord could hear them. Discord hears all. But he had to tone them out. Rainbow Dash and Discord were plotting a very perilous plot. Well, a very perilous plot for the Princess, perhaps.
Dash leaned over Discord, looking at the scale-replica of Canterlot.
"So," she said to her leader. "If I lead most of the army through here and here," She marked the places with giant X's. "We'll have enough time for you to sneak in with some ponies through the back and capture the princesses!" She looked to Discord for approval, who shook his head. Rainbow Dash's heart broke. She just wanted approval. Her deadbeat father had never given her any.
"Your plan works, Dash, but I've thought of a better one. If you lead most of the army through here and here," He marked the places with giant Q's, a few streets down from where Dash had left her X's. "We'll have enough of a diversion for me to sneak in with my best ponies through the back, easily capturing the princesses."
Rainbow Dash looked at him, fire burning in her eyes. Discord picked up a fire-extinguisher, and put out those fires.
"Sorry, Dashie-kins, but the second-in-command never comes up with the plan. Never ever ever!" He laughed, and then turned grim. "Prepare the troops." He said, and then turned to the prisoner ponies.
"How're you finding your stays at the Discord Hotel? Are the living conditions adequate? No matter, I'm just here for one thing. I need you guys." He suddenly was dressed in an Uncle Sam outfit. He pointed at all of the ponies. "I want you to join the Discordian Army. Except for you, Sparkly-poo. Nobody want's a sad-sack leading an army. It kills the morale." He let all of the other ponies out, but left the monochromatic Twilight all alone in her cage. "Let this be a lesson to you. You do not fuck with Discord."
"Me? In the army? Oh no no no no no! This simply won't do. I wouldn't want to be caught dead in those horrible outfits! Especially if we're going to be attack Celestia! Which brings me to my second point; I don't want to attack Celestia!" Rarity complained, her face a look of pure agony. Discord wasn't fooled. He had no empathy for the posh pony. She reminded him too much of his mother. Discord snapped his fingers. With a loud cracking noise and a puff of smoke, Rarity's muzzle was transformed into a zipper. She pawed or, more accurately, hoofed at the zipper in a desperate attempt to get it off. Sadly, her lack of digits impeded her in this task.
"Listen up, my dear Rarity. You will attack Celestia. And you will wear the uniform. I made it myself!" Discord said with pride as he held up a horribly-sewn army jacket, buttons and zippers placed in places that don't need buttoning or zipping. Even the colors were messed up, a constantly swirling blob that seemed to attack the eyes. Poor Hoity Toity would have a heart attack. It was as chaotic as the being that created it.
"If you don't do as I say, Rare-bear, I'll let a certain friend of yours deal with you." Discord snapped his fingers. In a poof, Tom Dan appeared, his sunglasses reflecting beams of light all over the place. You may ask yourself, dear reader, why Tom Dan needs the glasses. To be honest? He doesn't. It just gives him a false sense of authority. Well, it would, if he could have feelings. Discord snapped his fingers again, giving the rock arms, legs, and thought. Then he snapped his fingers for a third time, making it loyal to him. It looked to him, or at least to his general direction, and saluted. Rarity cringed instinctively.
"Are we agreed?" Discord glared at her, as did Rainbow Dash. Tom tried to glare, but ended up looking in the wrong direction. "You're supposed to be glaring at Rarity, Dan! Not at a tree! What did that tree ever do to you?" Discord's eyes filled with rage. Tom Dan pointed to the tree. "Dammit, Dan! Stop pointing at the…" He stopped, mid-sentence.
"Hey, dweebs! Prepare to die!" Gilda growled. She was flanked by Flutterbitch, and a bunch of random griffons and ponies, all armed with a makeshift weapon of some kind. And that wasn't just a tree that they were standing on.
"Bloomberg! You're alive?" Applejack shouted. The tree waved. "Wait, you can move? On your own? What the hay! Are you an ent now?"
Discord snapped his fingers, arming his ragtag group with weapons. Applejack got a machine-gun mounted on her back. Pinkie Pie got knives, which she held in her teeth. She also got explosive cupcakes. Rarity didn't get anything. She didn't need anything. Her horn was enough.
"Charge!" Rainbow Dash Yelled. She made a beeline for her former best friend, and bro-hoofed her right in the beak. It broke.
"Dashy, what the hay are you doing? Are you insane? Discord is evil!" Gilda shouted. She struggled to be heard above the chaos of the battle. Suddenly, a muffin splattered violently against her head. Blueberries and crumbs noq, littered the battlefield. Gilda turned around, "Dammit Derpy! No! Not me! Hit them!" She pointed.
"Tonight! We dine! On muffins!" The blonde mare yelled as she charged into battle, her eyes trying their best to stay focused. Despite her efforts, she plummeted straight into the ground.
Gilda sighed. "Heh, classic Derpy for you." She looked back at Rainbow Dash. "Dash?" She was cut short by Rainbow Dash cannonballing towards her. Time seemed to grind to a halt. Her eyes widened, and she tried to fly out of the way. But she wasn't quick enough.
Rainbow Dash hurtled herself into Gilda at lightning-fast speeds. The griffon hit the earth and left a crater, yet miraculously survived. She was too dazed to get up, so she just laid there. She figured it was safe, seeing as Rainbow Dash had flown incredibly high up in the air. Gilda couldn't see her anymore.. Suddenly, she was blinded by a flash of multi-colored light and was deafened by a boom. The blood-curdling scream that came from her beak was the last noise she ever made. Seconds later, Rainbow Dash crashed into her, living up to her embarrassing nickname. The griffon exploded feathers and blood going everywhere. Rainbow Dash looked up from the bloody site and scanned for her next target, eyes narrow and jaw set. She was terrifying looking. Her once well-groomed mane was covered with blood, and her flank had all sorts of scratches and wounds.
Discord was standing off to the side, decked out in a full cheerleading uniform. He looked surprisingly attractive. Sure, he wasn't that good of a cheerer, but it would have to do.
Tom Dan and Bloomberg were locked in a surprisingly epic struggle. Every slow swing thrown by Tom was effortlessly dodged by his far more graceful tree adversary. However, the tree was getting sloppy. His movements slowed ever so slightly, too slight for most ponies to notice. However, Applejack wasn't like most ponies. Time seemed to slow down as she rushed towards her dearest friend. Bloomberg was always there for her. She remembered back to her days as a filly, back when Bloomberg was her only friend. He listened to her. He was her shoulder to cry on, even though he was very rough on the skin and had no shoulders. She wasn't going to let him die. It wasn't going to happen anytime soon. And certainly not by a rock! Tree's make paper, and, as we all know, paper beats rock!
Discord stared, his jaw so wide that you could probably step into it, as Applejack dove in between the fighting forces of nature, and kicked the rock as hard as she could.
"Get the fuck offa my friend!" Applejack yelled, beating the rock with her hooves and screaming obscenities. She quickly regained her composure. "We don't need to kill 'em. He could jus' be onna our hostage's."
Discord seemed to like this idea. He smiled, showing dagger-sharp teeth and a disregard for dental hygiene, and snapped his fingers. Bloomberg was suddenly bound and shackled. Tom Dan dragged him over to his master. Applejack smiled and turned back to the battle, her machine-gun firing as fast as she could make it fire. "Yee-haw!" she yelled, filled with the sort of enthusiasm one finds in a young child. Everypony who was unfortunate enough to be in her line of fire was transformed into a red mist.
Whilst Applejack was going on her rampage, Pinkie Pie was skipping across the battlefield. In her mind, or what little of it she had left, she had decided that a battle was a lot like a giant party! Suddenly, music started. "Oh! This is my jam!" Pinkie shouted. Nobody heard her. She started dancing on the battlefield, jerking her head violently. Her knife was accidentally stabbing anybody who got too close. The music started to swell, it's once graceful sound morphing into something hectic and demonic. She looked up and waved. "Hi! Hello Fluttershy! Hiya!" She waved frantically until she got the other pony's attention. "I'm so glad you could make it to my party!" She reached down to her belt and grabbed a cupcake grenade. "Here. Have a cupcake!" She threw it at Flutterbitch.
Pinkie, being in her delusional state, didn't realize that she was throwing a grenade at her best friend. She honestly thought it was a cupcake, and she loved cupcakes!
Flutterbitch panicked, seeing the grenade fly towards her at a surprisingly fast speed. She tried to move out of the way, but she couldn't seem to move. It was as if a weight was holding her down. She struggled against the invisible bonds, but to no avail. She just stood there, awaiting her fate, eyes welling with tears. She didn't want to die. Her world ended in an explosion of fire and confetti (which soon caught on fire,).
Pinkie Pie snapped out of her delusional state, becoming lucid and thinking coherently. She stared at the chunks of Fluttershy, which were slowly turning back to their original yellow color, and vomited.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She screamed, her voice cracking. She curled up in a ball, driven insane(er?) by the guilt.
With Flutterbitch and Gilda dead, the remaining troops scattered. Those who could escape were lucky. The prisoners of war, on the other hand, weren't. Discord had managed to snag Doctor Whooves and Derpy, and a bunch of other ponies. Discord had won, or so he thought. He snapped his fingers and poofed his hostages and his troops back to the base. He walked up to Doctor Whooves, who was chained next to Derpy.
"It's a shame, Doctor. We've been apart for so long. How did our last meeting end?" He pondered for a minute. "Oh, yes. You broke my heart and decided to side with Celestia and Luna!" He slapped the earth pony. The colt's pain caused Discord to smile. "I have something special in store for you. Something you'll remember for the rest of you're miserable existence." He turned to face the multicolored pony behind him. "Rainbow, go and round up the troops." He turned back to the Time Pony. "It's been fun, but I really must go. I have a meeting with the Princess that I can't miss." He turned back to Rainbow Dash, who had rounded up the troops in 10 seconds flat. "Rainbow Dash, allons-y!" He shouted, snapping his fingers. As soon as he and his men had dissapered, Doctor Whooves wept. Derpy, meanwhile, was just worried about her daughter.
Lyra, Bon-bon, Octavia, Vinyl-Scratch, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders watched this entire battle from the bushes. As soon as they saw Discord disappear, they climbed out of the bushes. They had managed to avoid the battle. They hurried away from the scene of the battle and regrouping at Sweet Apple Acres. Lyra used the walkie-talkie as best as she could with her hooves. "Big Mac? This is Lyra speaking. It was carnage. Total carnage! We'll give a full report when we get back. We're going to need more ponies than we thought. The fate of Equestria is in our hooves."
"Eeyup." Big Macintosh responded. Lyra waited for more, but only silence followed. He sure was a pony of few words.
Lyra gathered up her group and made them move out towards the farm, where they would plan their next course of action.