Non-Judge-Mental Day (PG-13)
Bad language, gratuitous, comic book violence and sexual references galore
Setting: Farscape/Sarah Jane Adventures/Sarah Connor Chronicles crossover. Perhaps. Is this a crossover, or has one of the characters been watching too much TV, trying to learn English, and is now having a booze-fuelled dream? You decide.
Ramblings: The following idea hatched out of the mud mind when I learnt about the sad death of Elisabeth Sladen, who played Sarah Jane Smith in Dr Who and it's spin-offs, combined with the fact that we've just had Judgement Day from Terminator. I do get confused in my mind between the Sarah Jane Chronicles and the Sarah Connor Adventures. I'm odd like that. Now imagine how much worse it could be if one of the characters on such a story had just got stinking drunk because her not-boyfriend appears to have gone off with another woman?
Thanks to SarahJane for allowing me to act in a very silly manner in her Sex And The Street (Farscape) sandbox. Find that fabulous story here on her website thesarahjanechronicles dot com
Disclaimer: None of it is mine except the hangover. Actually, not even that.
No beta owing to a crazy urge to post as I type.
Words: 2025
Non-Judge-Mental Day
The two women simultaneously and breathlessly stumbled into the long, harshly-lit corridor through opposite doors. Both instantly came to the conclusion that the unknown woman standing opposite them was not a threat to them: Any threat more likely came from the manic, red-eyed, possibly horribly beweaponed robots heading rapidly towards them from down the corridor.
The willowy, athletic, younger woman slung a large shotgun over her black-leather clad shoulder and grabbed the arm of her unarmed, much older, yet sprightly companion.
"We should run!" the younger woman ordered as the first, curiously inaccurate shots from the robots missed them by inches.
"Agreed!" The older woman concurred, following her new ally away from the approaching, psychotic cyborg hordes down the twisting corridors of the strange location they had found themselves to be in. The corridor rocked as a grenade, tossed by the younger woman to cover their escape, exploded amongst the robots.
"Sarah Jane Smith," the older woman introduced herself cheerfully in a precise home-counties English accent as she ran, as though this were an everyday occurrence and she was simply introducing herself to a new face on the school run. "How do you do?"
The younger woman frowned, obviously having trouble dealing with the fact that Ms Smith seemed to think that manners suited to a vicar's tea party in an English village were appropriate to their current circumstances. "Sarah Baum," she mumbled back in an American accent as the pair continued to run for their lives.
A moment later, the duo found themselves in a dead end, save for the door in front of them. The sound of their pursuers seemed to be getting closer again. Presented with no other sensible options, they opened the door and rushed through.
They found themselves in a small room. A young woman with remarkably long, sable hair, dressed in a revealingly short black minidress, had been asleep within. She woke and stood, albeit a little unsteadily, almost instantly the door was opened.
"I got a bit dren-faced last night. You two weren't at the hen party, were you?" the room's occupant asked with a confused frown as she pushed her long, jet-black hair from her face. Both Sarahs quickly conformed that indeed they weren't at that party.
Oh hell, another Brit, Sarah Connor thought on hearing her accent, although she was confused by some of the weird vocabulary. Now she had two women who obviously wouldn't have a clue how to stay alive in such circumstances and who she'd have to try to protect. Hell.
"Sarah Jane Smith," the older woman said with the enthusiasm of someone who had surely been head-girl in her school days, holding out her hand to the dishevelled party-goer. "Pleased to meet you." The younger woman looked a little perplexed, but took the offered hand in a vice-like grip and shook it once. The overall impression was as though shaking hands was something a bit alien to her.
"I'm Sarah Baum," the other newcomer drawled over her shoulder, shoving the door shut. "Perhaps you two can exchange recipes some other time over tea and cake?" she added snarkily.
"Well, I'm not Sarah-anything," the third woman remarked. "My name is Aeryn Sun, fomer Special PeaceKeeper Commando," she added, feeling the need to clarify, as Sarah Connor turned to face her, that neither recipes, tea, nor cake were on her agenda. Aeryn fixed her with a bleary, bloodshot eye, trying to work out if Sarah Connor might have snurched any of the ex-PeaceKeeper's everyday clothes.
"Hey, you're that alien soldier, aren't you?" Sarah Connor asked. "I recognize you off the TV."
Aeryn shrugged, not used to or comfortable with being recognised. "I could say the same for you," she riposted, half because she wanted to close down that line of conversation and half because her new companions did sort of look familiar to her. There was a brief, uncomfortable silence after that, whilst a variety of frowns, glares and slightly embarrassed smiles were exchanged.
"Well, this is Jolly," Sarah Jane remarked, trying to defuse the tension as the two younger women eyed each other up. "Erm, there doesn't seem to be any other way out of this room other than the one we came in through," she added, stating the obvious with cheerful enthusiasm.
"And there's a bunch of crazy robots roaming around out there trying to kill us," Sarah Connor added, thinking that her contribution was somewhat more pertinent to their current information needs.
Aeryn shrugged, making her little black dress ride up slightly, which was unfortunate as it was already somewhat more revealing than she was comfortable with. She grunted and pulled down the hem of the way-too-short dress. In doing so she drew the attention of the other two to the pile of sex-toys and assorted, related lotions and rubs, spilling out from a bright pink plastic carrier bag, which was lying on the floor behind her.
"Frelling stupid bar. Frelling stupid dress. Frelling stupid robots." Aeryn grumbled under her breath.
At that moment three of the aforementioned robots came bursting through the door, seemingly intent on murder. Sarah Connor managed to blast the first attacker with her gun but that merely gave the second robot a chance to grapple her.
Sarah Jane pulled a small, metal cylinder from her handbag and fiddled with it frantically, half aiming it towards the other robots.
Aeryn twisted and ducked down, snatching the largest, most phallic sex-toy from the pile spilling from the bag. She flicked the power on and smashed it against the wall to expose the electrics within before plunging it, dagger-like, deep into one of the orifices on what passed for the robot's head. The robot was knocked back, away from Sarah Connor, by the force of Aeryn's lunging attack. Aeryn continued to stab and probe with her improvised weapon and, a few seconds later, knelt astride the now barely-twitching robot. "Well, I would say that's you completely frelled," she smirked to herself and the robot. Satisfied with her handiwork, Aeryn stood, leaving her impromptu weapon impaled in the robot's face.
In the meantime, Sarah Jane seemed to have gotten her own smaller device working: When she pointed the sonic screwdriver at the third robot, it's head exploded in a shower of sparks.
Aeryn stood and pulled down the hem of her dress again "Frelling stupid dress. Doesn't even cover my eema half the time," she remarked to no one in particular. Ignoring the shocked look from Sarah Jane and what might have been a lopsided grin from Sarah Connor, Aeryn closed her eyes and rolled her head and shoulders, working to shake off the effects of the hangover. Then she pulled herself up, as if to attention on a parade ground.
"That feels better," Aeryn remarked and then held her hand out towards Sarah Connor and snapped her fingers. "Gun," she insisted, her eyes adding to her demand to be handed one of the many guns the other woman had about her person. Sarah complied, impressed with Aeryn's handiwork and recognizing the need to maximize the fighting capability of her new allies.
Aeryn took the offered gun, quickly checking it over and passing judgement with no more than a derisive snort and a grunt. Sarah Connor was just about to protest that if Aeryn didn't like the gun then she'd have it back when Aeryn spoke.
"Come on, I think it's time to blow this pox cycle stand!" Despite both Sarahs finding Aeryn's vocabulary a little peculiar, they enthusiastically agreed.
"I reckon the central chamber's this way," Sarah Connor indicated, gesturing with her gun as they made their way cautiously down the now deserted corridors.
"How do you know?" Sarah Jane asked in reply. "Do you come here often?"
"Several men asked me that last night," Aeryn put in with a frown, trying to work out whether Sarah Jane was trying to ask Sarah Connor to recreate with her. "I think I had to hurt one of them to make him go away," she recalled.
The Sarahs exchanged a perplexed look at those remarks.
"Erm, this way," Sarah Connor indicated, grateful for the distraction that they had reached another intersection.
"What are you two doing here?" Aeryn asked, as they hoped that they made their way ever closer to the central chamber.
"I was investigating a plot by alien robots to take over the world by getting humans to make some sort of super computer…" Sarah Jane began, before pausing and frowning. "Anyway, it's all frightfully complicated, and now that I actually come to tell someone else, well, does it all seem a little far-fetched to you?"
"You've seen the killer robots, right? So 'No.'" Sarah Connor replied, adding, "I'm here because this might be one of the places where Skynet got started."
"Skynet?" Aeryn asked.
"A supercomputer, which is going to try to take over the world and wipe out humanity." Sarah Connor explained. Sarah Jane gave a smile to indicate that she was happy that her tale had been corroborated. "What are you doing here?"
"I got dragged along to a hen night, got drunk in a bar and probably passed out," Aeryn shrugged. "I've not got a frelling clue beyond that."
"Oh!" Sarah Jane exclaimed. "Umm... Do you do that often?" Aeryn grunted non-committally.
"I reckon this is it," Sarah Connor commented as they arrived in front of a set of double doors.
"How can you tell?" Sarah Jane demanded in her best school-mistress manner.
"You seen any other double doors in this place?" Sarah Connor snapped back. Sarah Jane's mouth worked like a fish as she struggled to find anything rational to say to that.
"Works for me," Aeryn replied offhandedly, checking her borrowed gun. Sarah Connor checked her pump-action shotgun. Sarah Jane checked her screwdrivery thingamajig.
They burst through the doors, to find themselves in what could only be described as a typical evil geniuses' lair. A handful of red-eyed robots moved to attack them as what appeared to be the evil genius herself looked up from her dais on the far side of the chamber. Despite her red eyes, their leader looked otherwise quite human. Indeed, for one of her three uninvited guests, there was no mistaking the identity of their opponent.
Aeryn fumed, even as she shot down the closest robot guard to her and she and her comrades pressed into the chamber towards the robot's leader.
A few seconds later, one of the robots managed to knock the shotgun from Sarah Connor's hands, only for it to fall almost at Aeryn's feet. Aeryn went into a forward roll, tumbling towards the robot leader and grabbing the shotgun as she went. Ignoring events behind her, Aeryn came to her feet just a few steps away from her opponent. Aeryn advanced on the figure, shooting repeatedly with the pump-action shotgun.
"You!" BANG "Frelling!" BANG "Blonde!" BANG "Tralk!" BANG "Caroline!" Aeryn hissed as she advanced on her foe, almost oblivious to the robot guards, even those whose heads hadn't yet exploded in either a spray of sparks or bullets. Soon, nothing remained of her nemesis except a dark, pockmarked area on the wall surrounding a large, fresh hole. From the sunlight streaming through the hole it was clear that it lead outside.
Deeply satisfied with how things had gone, Aeryn turned to indicate that they should leave through the hole, noting that Sarah Connor now seemed to be laying some sort of charges around the room. Aeryn shrugged and decided that it might be best if she checked outside to see if they could actually get away if the place was about to be blown up. Still clutching the shotgun, she climbed out of through the hole.
"I reckon our friend has some deep-seated anger-management issues," Sarah Connor remarked to Sarah Jane, nodding towards the hole in the wall to indicate Aeryn. She made towards the hole without waiting for a reply.
"Oh, I don't know," Sarah Jane returned, taking one last look around before making for the hole in the wall herself. "Did you see the size of her grin just now?"
The end