sunshine and smiles
Bones sometimes thought that Jim was hiding. Not in a physical sense he was the Captain of the fucking flagship how could he hide? but in other ways, ways that even Bones didn't really understand.
It was behind his smile that goddamn smile that made him weak at the knees and his eyes, the way he said everything and nothing all at the same time and was he trying to be annoying because it was driving Bones crazy and how he acted like a man-whore but really wasn't.
Sometimes it really hurt Bones, even though he tried not to show it, because, damnit, Jim was the best friend Leonard McCoy had ever had, and it he sure as hell told Jim everything, so why wouldn't he let him in wouldn't he tell him why he was hiding?
But Bones always tried to be understanding, because he knew that Jim hadn't had an easy life, especially compared to Bones' own. But that doesn't mean he had to hide away everything. For fuck's sake, Bones hadn't even known when Jim's birthday was until his Recent Unexplained Phenomena of the Twenty-Third Century class had covered the Kelvin incident.
He could still taste the bile that had risen up when the class had listened to George Kirk's last transmission, he had looked over at Jim's usual seat, catty-corner to him, and the sight of the pure longing had him looking away immediately. It was something that shouldn't have been seen by someone else, and Bones no he had been Leonard then Leonard had felt his heart break.
The next time he had looked over at Jim, his impossibly blue eyes were shuttered, and Leonard had been expecting it, so why did it hurt so fucking much that the kid had to hide did he feel his heart break?
Years later, when Bones because by that point he had been Bones for so long he didn't even really know who Leonard was brought it up again, Jim had told him it had been a shock, he hadn't thought they would actually play it. But Bones hadn't been able to really get rid of the unshakable feeling that Jim was still hiding.
So he just gave him a long look, the kind that screamed I may not be ancient but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday and just said "Ok, kid." And then walked off, back to his Sickbay, where his cases were straightforward and didn't look at him with cerulean blue eyes and hide in plain sight.
He really shouldn't have been surprised when Jim had snuck into his cabin at 0300 the next morning and, curling up next to him on the bed, began to talk. And he really shouldn't have been thinking that Jim next to him felt so damn right and why isn't it always like this Jim should have told him before. But he did, and then he understood why.
Because sometimes, hiding wasn't a choice. For Jim it sure as hell wasn't. And even though it hurt so damn much that Jim had reason to hide Bones would always be there, others hadn't, others had taken off, leaving Jim with sunshine and smiles and shields.
Bones had been silent for a moment once Jim was done, thinking it all over. Jim had been content to wait patiently; he knew how Bones was when there was new information to process.
Finally, when Bones spoke, it wasn't what he wanted to say because kissing Jim senseless really isn't a good idea, damnit but rather what Jim needed to hear. "I'm proud of you," He told the golden captain.
Said captain's cobalt blue eyes widened in shock. "B-but after all of that…" He trailed off, but Bones could hear the unspoken words. How can you still like me, be proud of me? After what I've done, been through?
Bones smiled at him and held back his response, because I love you, you blind man, saying, "Doesn't matter. You're still Jim."
And when Jim buried his head in Bones' stomach and cried, Bones just carded his fingers through golden hair. If some tears escaped his own eyes, well, no one saw them.
Afterwards, Bones hadn't expected anything to change, no that was a lie he really just wanted Jim to stop hiding, damnit, so when Jim still covered up who he really was with smiles that were like the sun and winks from blue eyes, it didn't hurt too much.
But when Jim would let down his shields around Bones, whenever they were alone, and Bones fucking loved it enjoyed being able to see the man Jim really was, well, no one other than Jim knew that. And maybe Jim still hid around others, but there were no sunshine smiles and shields around Bones.
Instead, those shields got lowered just a little bit, and the smiles weren't quite as bright, were more real. Bones thought they were all the more beautiful for that liked it that way.
And maybe it wasn't perfect, but that was okay, because Bones would take imperfection with Jim than perfection without him, but Bones didn't care, because Jim was with him, and that was all he needed.
Whew! This story just wouldn't end… anyway, this is my first attempt at ST:2009 fanfiction, so any feedback would be much appreciated.