Silent Pain
I let out a deep heavy sigh; while loosening my tie.
My hearts were aching. My soul was breaking. My mind was quaking. And all I could think about…Was her.
She always seemed to pop up when I'd been able to forget about her for one second. She was always looking at me sadly, wishing I could see her. She didn't know I could. Or that I could hear her too. That was another really hard thing; hearing her voice.
Sometimes, when I was running around, or twirling around the TARDIS, I would let my eyes graze over hers for barley even a second. I guess she never realized just how much I wanted to see her beautiful silvery green eyes. Or her big bushy hair; or her smile, even if it was a sad one.
I would walk occasionally past her slowly just so I could be near her. Sometimes she would whisper, "Hello sweetie" which sent my hearts in a roaring rage, and I wanted to turn around and hold her in my arms and tell her I was ecstatic to see her and then kiss her with a thousand passions.
But I controlled myself. I went on like I normally would. I behaved like she wasn't even on my ship. But there were so many times in which I wanted to yell at her and tell her how much I hated being in love with her and didn't want her to be real anymore. That I didn't want to be real anymore.
But most of all, I didn't want to remember. Because if I remember; then I feel pain. And if I feel pain; then I will break. Like a branch from a tree in a thunderstorm.
That's why I can never acknowledge her. Because if The Doctor breaks, then so does everything and everyone else. And people needed me. They relied on me. Clara. Amy and Rory, even if they aren't here anymore. Even her.
I needed to be strong. For everyone. And myself; as hard as it was. Because it's hard being The Doctor.
And it's hard being a Time Traveler; and a friend. And it's especially hard being a Husband.
Especially when you're married to a ghost…
Hope you guys enjoyed. I wrote this with The Eleventh Doctor, obviously. I just thought he deserved some light to his thoughts about River. I thought I'd show just how much he loves her, even if he doesn't show it much in the show. Not like Nine/Ten and Rose.
Reviews are welcome. Sorry if it's rushed a little. I hope you found it romantic like me. And if you've read any other fanfics of mine, you know I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm going to do a Nineth Doctor and a Tenth Doctor oneshot about Rose. I'm going to have to go deeper with those two… Also, thanks for reading!