Disclaimer: I don't own the world of Harry Potter, sadly.
"Not even Veritaserum could make me express how much I'm truly attracted to you."
Slap. Everyone in the Great Hall looked up as Marlene McKinnon angrily stomped out, leaving a, given the circumstances, surprisingly calm Peter Pettigrew standing in between the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables. If it wasn't for the red handprint on his left cheek, nobody would've guessed that he had just tried, and failed, to hit on a girl.
He caught James' eye and shrugged apologetically. Noticing that everyone else's eyes were still on him, Peter quickly made his way out of the Great Hall as well.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to apologise to Marlene for what just happened. But then again, perhaps it wouldn't, because then, Lily was sure to find out what was going on.
"Hi, Marlene," Peter said, flashing her (what he hoped was) a charming smile. "How are you today?"
Looking slightly shocked that Peter was talking to her, Marlene blinked. She managed to cover up her surprise quickly, though, and replied, "I'm fine, thanks, Peter. How is your day?"
"It's alright," Peter said, quasi-nonchalantly. Inside, he was nervous as hell, but he couldn't let Marlene notice that. "But it's absolutely phenomenal now that I'm talking to you."
She turned around sharply, so she was now facing him with an incredulous look covering her facial features. "What?" she asked, absolutely dumbfounded. She looked around to see whether anyone else had heard Peter. Luckily for her (and Peter himself), nobody was paying attention to them.
Peter shot her another smile, though this one was much less radiant than the ones before. "Oh, Marlene, Marlene, Marlene… I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times before, but you are a truly attractive young woman."
He noticed that Marlene was trying her best not to look too repulsed; in all honesty, Peter himself was cringing on the inside too. He wasn't much of a charmer normally, so this was rather hard to pull off. "Really now?" she asked him at last. "So you're… attracted to me?" She looked quite upset by now.
"Oh, yes. Definitely," Peter told her. "I don't think there's a single bloke in this Hall who isn't at least a little bit attracted to you."
Marlene bit her lip and Peter knew he had to be quick now. Before he could speak, though, Marlene was talking again. "Well, I'm – flattered, Peter." She sent him a weak smile. "But I just remembered that I – I have to go – feed my – eh – squid."
"Marlene?" Peter said hastily before she could run off, "I don't think I've made myself clear enough." He coughed. Here I go, he thought to himself. "Not even Veritaserum could make me express how much I'm truly attracted to you."
James could surely cross that one of his list, because if Marlene reacted like this to hearing that horrid line, Peter didn't want to imagine how Lily would react. She would probably send a few jinxes James' way and then proceed to throw him off the Astronomy Tower. She had, after all, tried that a couple of times already.
Hoping that his friends would come too sooner or later, Peter walked up the stairs to their dorm and once he arrived there, he laid down on his bed. Why did he always have to be the one trying out stuff like this? Granted, it had been the first time that James had asked him to try out a pick up line on someone, but there had been numerous other occasions when somebody came up with a 'great idea', and since it was so great, nobody wanted to actually execute it. And that was where Peter came in. They'd bribe him with some sweets and off he was, towards another most embarrassing situation.
And as always, when James had come up with the plan to let somebody else try his corny and cheesy pick up lines for him, Remus had been the first to back out. Sirius would follow soon after, leaving Peter to be fulfil the 'task'.
And yes, James really had a list of pick up lines he could use on Lily. Not that she ever fell for them; she was too intelligent for that. Peter didn't know how James could think for a second that those silly lines were ever going to work. A slap in the face, which he had been rewarded with today, was the least thing Lily did when James hit on her.
Walking over to James' trunk, Peter managed to find the list without too much effort. He sat back down on his bed, a quill in his hand, and looked over the list, ready to cross every cringe-worthy line off.
13. "Not even Veritaserum could make me express how much I'm truly attracted to you."
Well, Peter thought, that's an easy one. After dipping his quill into his ink bottle, he carefully crossed the sentence out. That was one. Three hundred more to go.
60. "Are you accepting applications for your fan club?"
No, Peter thought, that's not going to work at all.
102. "If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater."
Peter stared at the sentence for a minute before resolutely crossing it out. He didn't even want to think of Lily's reaction to this. Right when he had arrived at number 154 ("I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?") and started crossing it out, the door opened.
"Peter!" James shouted. Peter looked up; James was looking at him as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing. "What are you doing?" He stalked over to Peter's bed and grabbed the list out of Peter's hands. "What have you done?"
"James," Remus started, "stop being so melodramatic. Peter only did you a favour. I don't think anyone in this castle wants to see you make a fool out of yourself once more."
Sirius laughed at his best friend's obvious despair and took the list from a now whimpering James. "Once more, Moony? Prongs here could've made a fool out of himself until after we graduate! But I have to say, Wormtail – that was quite a show during lunch. Bravo."
Peter smiled slightly. He wasn't sure whether he should see that as a compliment or not. James was still staring at the list rather pathetically (Peter had learned long ago that, whatever everyone else at school might think, within the borders of their dorm, James (and Sirius as well) really wasn't cool all the time… like now). "Oh, come on, James," Peter tried. "I didn't cross them all out. Look," he said, pointing at numbers 47 and 129, "these might work." James just whimpered again and sat down on his bed, head in his hands.
Turning back to his own bed, Peter noticed that somewhere between his friends coming in and him getting up to comfort James, his ink bottle had fallen over. His bed was one black mess now. Lovely. Since he wasn't any good with cleaning charms, he looked at Remus pleadingly who, with one flick of his wand, managed to clean up Peter's bed.
For a moment, nothing was heard in the room except for their breathing. James was immensely absorbed in his parchment that was 'ruined' now and his three friends were watching silently. "James," Remus began, "honestly, Lily won't fall for any of those lines. So you'd better just… burn the whole list."
"Burn it?" James asked incredulously. "Moony, are you mad? This – this might just be my key to Lily's heart and you suggest that I burn it?"
"Correction," Sirius said from where he was lying, "it's the key to Lily's wrath. Prongs, I'm with Moony here. You'd better get rid of it as soon as possible. Imagine what Lily would do if she'd find it." James turned his head to Peter, obviously silently hoping that at least one of his friends would understand him. Before Peter could speak up, Sirius did so for him. "And do you think Peter's with you? If he was, he wouldn't have spent his spare time on completely improving your list."
"But they have to work!" James exclaimed. Peter was grateful that he managed to keep his voice even now; otherwise, he would've started to worry.
"Oh, they'll work, I think," Remus said thoughtfully. "On other girls. Who actually like you, or whoever is saying them."
"Or girls who are drunk. Or desperate," Sirius added helpfully. "Or simply idiotically stupid."
"Which Lily is not," Remus pressed, to make the matter even clearer to James.
James just crossed his arms. "They're not that bad," he protested weakly. "Wormtail, what do you think?"
"Uh – " Peter started, trying to think quickly. "Well – "
"Exactly," Sirius said. "What he's trying to say – "
"Peter?" James interrupted Sirius. It was as if they enjoyed interrupting each other. "Did you even really say that line to Marlene? I mean, we all saw you talking to her and then she slapped you and she walked away – but perhaps that was all part of your plan." He now looked at Remus and Sirius suspiciously. Peter, now that he was freed from James' stare, started to feel rather underappreciated. Here he was, doing all kinds of everything for his friends, and then they didn't believe him? The whole situation had been ridiculous and embarrassing, and James thought he had backed out? "How do I know whether or not the line worked if I don't even know for sure whether or not it has been tested?" James asked, sounding annoyed by now.
"That's not our fault, is it?" Remus asked. "You could've just taken your invisibility cloak and stood right next to Peter when he was talking to Marlene. Then you would've known. Besides, Peter's our friend. You know you can trust him." He smiled at Peter apologetically.
James now turned to Sirius. "Do you believe them too, Padfoot?" Peter thought he could detect a small amount of hurt in James' voice as he asked this. It made him feel a little guilty, but then again, he hadn't really done anything wrong. He was just trying to save James from embarrassment, but apparently, James didn't appreciate that.
Sirius, who was now sitting up again, shifted under James' gaze. It was obvious that he, too, was dealing with some guilt inside. He looked from James to Peter and back, and said, "Yes, I do believe them." He sighed. "You know Wormtail, James, whenever he lies, he becomes nervous and he stutters. Neither of those is the case now. But," he proceeded as James opened his mouth to retort, "if you really want to be sure, I'll give it another try."
Peter (and Remus, he noticed) sharply turned towards Sirius. "Really?" James asked, as if his most wonderful dream had just come true.
"You're insane," Remus told him flatly. "This'll be very painful to watch."
"I know," Sirius said, "but if James wants to be sure – I'll give it a go. You want to go now?" he asked James.
"What do you think!" James almost shouted. He grabbed his invisibility cloak from his trunk and bolted out of the dorm.
"Are you two coming?" Sirius asked Peter and Remus, who shrugged.
"Might as well," Peter answered, and the three of them walked out of the dorm as well, towards a very impatient James.
When they had been small eleven, twelve, or even thirteen-year-olds, the invisibility cloak was wide enough for all four of them to fit under. Now that they were sixteen, it was incredibly uncomfortable and cramped underneath it, even with only three of them. They did, at last, find a position which none of them minded too much (which consisted of them huddled closely together on the floor in some sort of foetal position). Sirius was standing nearby, whistling some tune, seeming perfectly at ease.
At long last, a girl came. Fortunately, it wasn't Lily or Marlene. It was a Hufflepuff Peter didn't know, but it seemed as if she did know Sirius. Whether he knew her too, Peter didn't think he'd ever find out.
"Hi!" the girl exclaimed happily, giggling a bit. "What are you doing here, all by yourself?"
"I could ask you the same thing," Sirius said, grinning at the girl. "But you know, I don't think I care." Even though she was standing with her back towards them, Peter could easily guess that her face must've fallen when Sirius said this. "Because now that you are here, I don't really care about anything else in the world."
Sirius, always the charmer. Out of the corner of his eye, Peter could see Remus rolling his eyes, and James watching the scene eagerly.
"Oh – really?" the girl asked shyly, while giggling even louder than before. "Are you for real?" That was like an unwritten rule at Hogwarts: never ask Sirius whether he was serious. The conversation that would unfold from there would be even more cringe worthy than all of James' pick up lines combined.
"I certainly am, love," Sirius said, grinning even wider. "But you're a very attractive girl. Wait – you probably have a boyfriend already, right?"
"N-No," the girl stuttered, and Peter thought she would choke herself while giggling.
"Well then," Sirius said, "let me tell you one thing: not even Veritaserum could make me express how much I'm truly attracted to you."
The girl visibly gaped at him. Peter didn't think everyone at Hogwarts would've heard by now what exactly he had said to Marlene, so she couldn't be thinking how unoriginal Sirius was at that moment. "Really?" she asked. "I mean – wow."
"No problem, love," Sirius answered her. "So I'll see you tomorrow then?"
The girl nodded weakly and left in a daze. Once she was gone, Sirius turned to where his friends were sitting. "That went disastrous," he said, almost panicking.
James quickly threw the cloak off the three of them and stood up as well. "Are you kidding me, Padfoot? That went absolutely great!"
"No, it didn't," Remus said. "It was meant to show you how horrible that line was, but it worked! It actually worked." He shook his head slowly. "I cannot believe this."
Sirius nodded solemnly. "Yes, since that line worked, our plan failed miserably."
Peter had no idea what to say to that. He completely agreed with his friends – nobody expected this to happen. Of course, it was Sirius, but still, they had all thought that the girls at Hogwarts had some sort of limit when it came to things like this. Obviously not.
"Wormtail, you agree with me, right?" James asked him, apparently not having learned from what went down earlier that afternoon. "I mean," he continued, turning to Sirius and Remus, "look, he's speechless, that's how impressed he is!"
"I'm speechless, yes," Peter replied, "because I'm that shocked that that line actually worked. That's all."
James, probably peeved that none of his friends was on his side, turned on his heel and walked away, the sound of his footsteps echoing through the hallway.
"Perhaps we should follow him," Peter piped up, and without another word, all three of them hastily ran after their friend. After all, whatever James was planning now, it could not end well.
By the time they reached the common room, a huge crowd had gathered there. Pushing their way through, the three boys were soon met by a familiar sight: James had, once more, managed to corner Lily, who was fuming by now.
"Well, Potter, I'll have you know," she shouted; James didn't even look scared in any way. Not anymore. "I'll have you know that I am not attracted to you in any way possible. Absolutely not. No such thing is going on or will ever be going on."
"That's too bad," James said, sighing dramatically, "because I am attracted to you. A whole lot."
Next to Lily, Peter noticed Marlene frowning in confusion. Of course, this had to be an enormous déjà vu for her as well.
"I don't care, Potter. Just piss off."
"That hurt, Lily. Really though – not even Veritaserum could make me express how much I'm truly attracted to you," James declared proudly.
Lily's jaw wasn't the only one that dropped. Marlene's did too. She looked from Lily to James, to Peter and back to Lily, obviously trying very hard to figure out what was going on.
"You're pathetic, Potter," Lily spat after having recovered from shock. "Do you think that I don't know that your friend used that line on my friend only hours ago? What is going through that idiotic mind of yours?"
Peter exchanged a quick glance with Remus. Now this was unexpected. Yes, Lily was insulting James again, but she hadn't used any physical violence – yet.
"You are?" James offered, shooting her what should be a swoon worthy grin. Lily just fumed some more, grabbed her wand and shot a hex Peter couldn't quite decipher James' way. Then she stepped forward and slapped him. Twice. Three – four times – Peter was losing count. With a final kick in the shin, Lily walked off, Marlene and some other girls following closely behind.
While the crowd dispersed (courtesy of Sirius), they helped up James, who was stammering and stuttering incomprehensible gibberish. "Mate, are you okay?" Sirius asked carefully.
"I'm fine," James managed to say, "and tomorrow's a new day, right?"
Shaking his head, Peter followed his friends out of the portrait hole. Some people never gave up. Some people really had to learn the hard way.
A/N: So, what do you think? This was meant for good fun, not to criticise people who ever fell for lines like these ;) And I know James comes off as a bit of an idiot, but that just worked for this story :) Hopefully you liked it nevertheless. Anyway, let me know what you thought, please review!