Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note. Or the Cosmo quiz.
A/N: So, This is pretty much random crackishness. I actually wrote it in the waiting room at my dentist's office.
The Waiting Room
"Did you want it at four o'clock or six-thirty?" The secretary asked. Mello had a cavity and needed to schedule an appointment with the dentist to get it filled. He was not happy.
"Either one. I'm flexible." Mello said, not hearing the approaching footsteps.
"It's true, he's like a rag doll." Said a voice from behind him. He whirled around to see Matt standing there, playing his Gameboy.
"Matt! What the hell are you doing here?" He said.
"I have a check-up. You have a cavity don't you? That's what happens when you eat so much chocolate." Matt was annoying. Mello scowled.
"When did you become a self-righteous dentist-lover?"
"What?" Matt laughed.
"Psh, I bet you actually floss everyday." Mello continued.
"No, I don't!" Matt said.
"You should." Interjected the secretary.
"Yeah, we already know what you think, lady!" Mello said, pulling a chocolate bar from his pocket, unwrapping it, and stuffing half of it in his mouth. The secretary looked a little frightened as Mello chewed it, bits of it falling out of his mouth as he glared at her.
"I'm just going to schedule you for four o'clock, so now you can leave, okay?" She said.
"Fine." Mello said around the chocolate. He turned to leave, but Matt grabbed his arm.
"Wait, I don't want to sit in this waiting room by myself! I mean, look at all these freaky people!" He whispered, gesturing toward the little room, in which there were four people sitting.
Two of them were middle aged, one was a teenage girl, and one was a toddler who probably belonged to one of the adults, but was presently walking in circles around the island of uncomfortable chairs. Mello raised a quizzical eyebrow. The secretary scowled at Matt as he dragged Mello back into that room to sit with him. After they sat down, Matt turned his attention entirely to his gaming, ignoring Mello.
"Put that thing away now and pay attention to me!" Mello screeched. Matt obeyed out of fear, and also because he was Mello's bitch.
"Well, what do you want to do then? We'll probably be here for a while." Matt said.
"I don't know! We're in a waiting room, it's supposed to be boring!"
"Calm down."
"You calm down!"
"I am calm. You are screeching."
"I am not screeching!" Mello screeched.
"You're hot when you're angry."
"I know that!" Mello said indignantly.
"We should have sex right now." Matt said. One of the middle-aged people coughed loudly at that and Matt briefly glanced at him, remembering that they were not alone. The teenage girl in the corner was trying to watch them subtly, with obvious eagerness in her eyes. Matt flashed her a dazzling smile and she blushed and looked down at her magazine. Mello smirked.
"What time is your appointment supposed to start anyway?" Mello asked.
"Two o'clock." Matt replied.
"But it's already two-fifteen."
"Clearly you don't understand the world of dentistry. They're very busy people, Mello." Matt said. His hands were twitching as if desperate to hold his Gameboy again. Mello was about to screech about this, but just then the dental hygienist came out the door.
"Matt?" She called out. Matt jumped up.
"That's me! Wait for me, Mello." He said. Mello would have been angry about having to wait if he hadn't recognized the hygienist as his very own Linda, the most sadistic dentist on the planet. She loved to scrape her sharp metal tools under her patients' gums much deeper and more painfully than was necessary.
Mello cackled as they went through the door, wondering if he'd be able to hear Matt's gasps and screams from the waiting room. As he pondered the fate of his bitch, he felt something softly hit his leg. He looked down to see that the toddler had toddled over to him and was trying to climb his leg and drooling all over his knee. Mello restrained himself from kicking it and looked up to determine whom it belonged to. None of the other patients were watching it.
"Hey, whose kid is this?" He yelled. No one answered.
"Seriously, people should keep an eye on their babies!" Nobody answered again. Mello scowled and slumped down in his chair. The toddler reached up and grabbed Mello's inner thigh. He jumped and yelped.
"Augh! Get away from me!" He shouted at the kid. It started to cry loudly. Wonderful. Everyone else in the waiting room was staring at him, and he glared at each of them in turn, daring them to comment.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing to my son, you menace!" A woman's voice said. It was the secretary.
"I didn't do anything to your stupid kid, it molested me!" Mello yelled. The secretary's eyes widened in a shocked and disgusted expression.
"Pervert!" She screamed as she slapped Mello in the face. Then she took her kid and brought it behind her desk with her. She sat there and glared at Mello, who glared back, rubbing his face where she'd hit him, until she let out a yelp and stood up.
"Now what did Mommy tell you about personal space?" She said to her toddler, who had apparently just molested her. Mello laughed and pointed at her and she glared at him some more.
Eventually the glaring got old, and Mello looked around the room for something else to do. He picked up a Cosmo off the end table and began to flip through it. There was a quiz called "Is he only after your body?", so Mello picked up a pen and began filling it out, talking to himself all the while.
"Let's see…which does he do more often, hug you or squeeze your ass?" Mello thought hard for a moment and circled the second one. Matt did that all the time. Often in public.
"Okay…did he try to get in your pants the first date or wait until he knew you better?" Mello circled 'first date'. He remembered it very well.
"Now then…when you get in a fight, how does he like to make up? By talking things out, or by kissing and stroking you?" Mello circled the second one. He went on in this manner until he got to the end of the quiz and added up the points. He gasped at the result.
It said, "He only wants one thing. Your guy is so physically drawn to you, he'd use a naked photo of you as his screensaver at work if he could." Mello considered this, and decided to confront Matt about it the moment he got back. Or maybe when they got home. Or perhaps he would just wait and throw it in his face the next time they fought.
Nah, he needed to talk to Matt about it right away. But it would probably still be a while before the appointment was over, so Mello flipped a few pages and became thoroughly absorbed in a fascinating article about the hair styling secrets of the stars.
Matt emerged from the other room about ten minutes later and laughed when he saw Mello reading Cosmo. He was grateful that Mello had waited for him while he endured the most painful twenty minutes of his young life. Mello didn't notice him until he went and tapped the blonde on the shoulder.
"Come on, let's go." He said, and Mello silently got up and followed him out the door. When they were outside, Matt slipped an arm around Mello's waist, pulling him close and kissing his cheek.
"I'm glad you stayed." He said. Mello sighed happily. Maybe Cosmo was wrong about Matt after all. Still, it didn't stop him from wondering.
"Matt, you don't have a naked picture of me as a screensaver, do you?"
"Uh…no. Can I?" Matt asked as if it was a brilliant idea that had never occurred to him. Mello scowled and threw Matt's arm off him, and Matt tried to figure out what he'd done wrong.
A/N: Review me, man.